to think it may be better to regret the baby you didn't have than the baby you did have?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes I'm deliberately putting this one in the fightiest part of MN.
It has been suggested to me that I think about having another baby. This may well be totally hypothetical as I am 45 with AF getting fairly erratic anyway.
On the one hand I am thinking that: I am old so risks increase
I am not exactly financially stable and having a year or so off working would make me even less so
I'd have to move house

On the other hand..
DS would love a sibling and says so
There would be a very hands on and loving daddy
Mmm lovely cuddly snuggly newborn who might grow up to be just as lovely as my lovely DS...

At 45, you do unfortunately have a much higher chance of miscarriage at 50%. That's not to say that you shouldn't have another but to be aware of the difficulties, and erratic periods might be telling their own story too.

how old is DS?

personally i wouldn't think about it too much; see if it happens. these things have a way of working themselves out. if you try and can't then you've tried and won't have regrets. i have 2 friends who had their first at 42 - 44 and both tried for second ones without success. one took a long time to get over it but the second approached it with a "if it happens, it happens" attitude and was disappointed for a bit but no more.

and of course if you try and are successful then you know what you are letting yourself in for - yes a nightmare for a bit but as you know more joy than you ever thought possible.

Yes, I think regret over not having a baby, over something that you might have had, is better than possibly regretting a real baby, or regretting the situation. Lots of people don't regret that baby, or rather, the situation that it created, but in your situation, I personally would not go for it.

Personally I wouldn't do it. The chance of miscarriage would be too high a risk for me to take, I would spend the entire pregnancy on tenterhooks worrying about the possibility of problems. This pregnancy at 37 has not been a walk in the park I couldn't contemplate doing it all again in 8 years time. Financially it would be a disaster for us and I would really worry about how we would manage in retirement. I don't want to be supporting a child through university when I am past retirement age.

But hey these are my reasons for not doing it, it is such a personal decision that only you and your partner can make. Cherie Blair did it but I think her bank balance softened the blow.

i think you'd regret not trying.

As I understand it (not being privy to the Blairs sex life you understand) Cherie and Tony didn't plan Leo, he happened and that was fine. There's a huge difference between coping with what life chucks at you - and coping with a viable and sustained if unexpected pregnancy than coping with trying and not succeeding or miscarrying. I also think that there;s a real danger in trying thinking it probably won't happen or stick - because then what if it does? Plenty of people think 'what have I done' when looking at a positive test even if they were quite sure about trying. The op doesn't seem at all sure and I think you're setting yourself up for heartache if you try without the certainty that it's where you want to go.

I'm struggling a little with this too, my only dd is 9.

I do love toddlers and miss that stage where you can talk and talk to them, filling their heads with new information and help them explore and find their way in the world. I can't do this with dd anymore, she knows too much and is quite disinterested in what I have to say. It's hard.

BUT we have fun and are unrestricted by prams and change bags and routine and it's fab. So I'm torn.

I'm sure part of my desire for another is rooted in wanting to 'rewind' with my gorgeous daughter who is growing up and away too fast. Not that I want the reality of 2 kids, but that I want to be back at the start if the journey with the child I already have.

I'm only 30 so no time pressure here, which I can see might be the motivating factor for you, though I do think that when I'm 40 dd will be 18 and gone and I'll be facing the same conundrum you are now.

I also think part of it is hormones going 'gwaaaaaaaaan, this is the last chance saloon'. but your hormones are not going to be holding your hair back when you are sick every morning, supporting you about whether to have the nuchal test/triple/amnio, supporting you through labour, colic, hourly feeding, and you'll be doing it alone

i think we are programmed to reach a certain point age wise where our ovaries scream and shout for a last hurrah, but the practicalities and realities of what life would be like as an older, lone parent of 2 children with a large age gap need serious consideration.

i get that yearning sometimes fora new born, my DCs are 10 and 4, I am 34 and sometimes struggle to think my childbearing days are over and done with at an age lots of my peers are still having children or just considering having children, when my sister rubyslippers had her DD recently, i wass almost unbearbly broody.. but it passes and i am glad !

being content with the DCs you have and enjoying the life you build with them is a good thing, you shoudl never feel obliged to ahve children because society/freinds/family/children think you should

I have two DSs, and would love to be pg again, bf again, snuggle another newborn again... But, DS2 is v.v.v.hard work. I am very scared of having another child like him. I think if I'd had two children like DS1 I would feel much more positive about DC3.

My Dsis is currently TTC, and I am a bit scared about feeling immensely broody and jealous when she has a baby, but at least I've had my turn.

I can cope with regrets about not having another baby, but sometimes I look very enviously at a friend with an only child and wonder what life would be like that. Not quite regretting DS2, but nearly, and it's not a nice feeling.

I think, in all honesty, when you are already a parent, there are things which can fill any void that the hypothetical second child might leave. Once there is a child there, there are no options. This child is yours until they leave home. Who knows what life will be like for young adults of the future? Many people are having to live with their parents well into their twenties already because of things like student debts, low staring salaries, high house prices and cost of living. Do you want to be pushing 70 and still having to share your home? And that's assuming they are fit, healthy and able enough to ever leave home - a risk which increases massively at 45.

I think regretting a baby you didn't have, and regretting having a baby are two totally, totally different things.

I don't think in your circumstances you would't regret having another baby. (Although I've never met you, so who knows!)But then you probably wouldn't be gutted if you only had one child.

Everybody is different, so It's a bit of a pointless AIBU?

As already said, there's a difference between finding yourself pregnant at 45, and trying to get pregnant, which is statistically quite unlikely to happen without donor eggs. If you set about trying to conceive and madly try to monitor ovulation and insist on having sex at just the right moment, then you are bound to set yourself on course for disappointment.

I think I'm going to say no to the idea really. I just don't think I could cope with all that again and given my age, the risks are a bit too big - I know I/we couldn't cope with a child with severe SN for instance. I suppose I have just been mulling it over with the thought that I might feel in a couple of years time when it really is too late that I wish I had gone for it...

Absolutely, gramercy - I have already said that I won't contemplate intervention and stuff. My DS was a complete surprise, I was 39 and one bonk was all it took, but that was 6 years ago and all my bits are 6 years older...

I'm impressed with the thoughtfulness and scope of the responses - often it feels like any post on MN saying 'shall I have a baby?' is met with immediate 'yes, you must, it will be fabulous'.

I agree that the main question to ask yourself is not 'do I want a baby?' but 'do I want 18+ year of baby/toddler/child/teenager?'.

SGB, do you think that if you really wanted another child you would have chosen to try for one earlier?

And that because your body is choosing for you, not you, you are almost trying to assert your will over it? Just a thought.

The stats for women who are 35-45 yrs old have a 20-35% chance of miscarriage, which is the just bracket Cherie Blair fell into when she conceived Leo at 44, but she miscarried at 47 three years later, when the stats rise to 50%+.

Solid, I am pondering similar things at the moment, trying to work out whether to try for a third child. It is really hard, especially because there are thoughts you dont even want to think, regards to how to cope with sn, etc, like you mention further down.

In the situation we are now, with my parents very fragile, the onset of dementia, and with a lot of burdens on my shoulders, I am very glad to have a sister. I dont know how I would have coped with elderly parents if it wasnt for my sister. My mum was 37 when she had me, and 21 when she had my sister, she is 75 now.I know you wouldnt think about putting a child to this world just to get more help and support in old age, but your dc would have help and support in eachother in your old age. Now, please forgive me, but I am totally and utterly drained by my own sorry self at the moment and should possibly not have posted, but it is my view at present.

Personally, I wouldn't. I'm nearly 44 and had my two at 39 and 40 and I sometimes feel broody for a third but the reality of it when the DSs are just getting a bit more independent is that I don't want to go back to the start again.

But, more importantly I think is the financial thing. I do think that that changes for older parents. If you're younger I think the lack of financial stability is not so much of an issue, but if you're looking at, for example, shelling out for university fees in your 60s rather than your early 50s it's a bigger deal, IMO.

Today i walked DD to school, and thought, oh fuck, i want another baby - im 39 and i have DD1 (19) and DD2 (4). Quite frankly, i cannot BELIEVE i feel this way - i think its society - no no and thrice no. I am permanently knackered as it is - another baby? I might just die .

I abandonded my career when i had DD2, i could, now, with effort, get it back on track sort of - another baby and thats me, mum, forever - not that mum forever is a bad thing, but im FORTY THIS YEAR no, i can't do it. I just can't

I'll accept wistful glances at babies, although its toddlerdom that i miss (yep, im that mad) and wait for my grandchildren

I was just pondering this again, having posted earlier.

I think it makes seems to make a difference whether you are going from 1 to 2 children rather than going for numbers 3, 4,5 or whatever. There is that whole thing about having somebody for your first child to play with and to have as support as the years go on. Certainly, I don't feel the need to have any more for that reason. Having DS2 was absolutely the right thing for all of us, me DH and DS1 but I don't think that having another child now would bring those extra benefits even if he or she was loved and adored by all.

Maybe you should ask yourself why you haven't tried for a second child sooner. That might make it apparent whether it is the last chance saloon hormones working or whether it is something deeper and more compelling than that.

Can I also just say to be a little bit upbeat on what is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year, that whilst the chances of having a child with SN does increase with age, it is still more likely that the child will be totally fine.

I think this might be a bad time to have another child financially... because I think that the state is going to start pulling the financial supports for children that people have pretty swiftly after the election. So to me, it would depend how I could cope financially and independently. I think the boom years of breeding with grants and tax credits are coming to a close.

Then again this is why I'M not having another baby so obviously I think it's a very persuasive argument.

I had my DC at 40,41 and 42. I was incredibly lucky to have healthy babies but the pregnancies took their toll on my health. I think you'd need to consider how you'd cope physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm glad i waited and had my DC after i'd lived a wild youth but i'm not sure i would do it again as the risks linked to maternal age are just too great.
Realistically i will be 60+ by the time they leave home. That's a big commitment at this stage of my life.
My mum died when she was 54.(I was 27 and still too young to lose my mum). If that should happen to me, my kids will be 14,13 and 12 years of age.
Sorry to sound so gloomy but the risks shouldnt be ignored for your and your existing DS's sake.

I too could have written the OP - ds is 11 now but I know he would love a sibling and would make a fab brother! Ds is on the autistic spectrum and it even though he is high functioning, it is still very hard work and I know that I would be a rotten screeching mother all, day everyday (as opposed to only most of the time!) if I had to cope with a baby so I know the answer is a no for us but that doesn;t stop me from occasional daydreaming about the what ifs...

I hope it helps to know that you are not alone - I know it has helped me.

I think Niecie's advice is wise indeed.

I am expecting number four and didn't start having babies until 31. What I am hoping is that this one will make me really feel like I am done, I knew that I wanted this one (and my DH did too) and just hope that 4 is enough because I am 40 now and 5 would mean we def have to move to our house in France because we don't have enough rooms here. A friend of mine although she has a few kids has immense regret about not having one more, it has taken her years to get over it and still is not reconciled to it.