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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP's family are taking the p**s?

32 replies

Eliza70 · 17/01/2010 20:40

My BIL is single, aged 44. For about 18 mths (when DP and I started living together) I had him and FIL round for dinner once a week, and him on his own another time during the week meaning I was making him dinner about twice a week, he also comes round for a take-away once a week (which we pay for event though he has a very well paid job and on the rare time he does pay he gets the money back from us).

Once we had our first child I put my foot down a bit and we have FIL about once a fortnight (and he takes us out for dinner about once a month), however BIL still phone DP nearly every day to ask what our "plans" for dinner our and to try and wangle an invitation. In addition SIL ended up living with us for 10 months and I cooked her (and sometimes BIL and FIL) dinner on average about four times a week (and she made NO financial contribution to household bills during this time - we bought all the food, soft drinks, elec bills, gas bill etc).

Now every Sunday between 4.00 and 5.00 BIL will phone to see if DP wants to go to the cinema and to ask if we have "plans" for dinner, we always have roast (and he knows this) and then he asks "is there enough for me?" It happened today and although I had resolved that the answer was going to be no (I am also 40 weeks pregnant) it just seems totally impossible to say no to him.

Am i being unreasonable to think that (a) he should learn to cook for himself, (b) stop phoning and inviting himself (c) reciprocate once in a while or should DP and I just grow some and tell him he can't come??

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 17/01/2010 20:42

YANBU. Very weird. How old is he, like 15?

heQet · 17/01/2010 20:45

Ideally, strap on a pair and tell him to sod off.

But if you can't do that, then serve him beans on toast.

Whenever he comes round, just beans on toast.

If he complains, tell him you're a bit strapped and that's the best you can do for him.

Perhaps he'll stop bothering to come if he knows that's all he gets.

(have your roast another day)

(Oh and tell him you're not doing take-aways any more - to save money or cos you are eating healthily.)

Oh - plus this way, you'll find out if he's a sponger or just thoughtless. If he's thoughtless, he'll start feeding you, if he's a sponger he'll stop coming over.

heQet · 17/01/2010 20:46

Sorry, that bit wasn't clear! I meant if up until now he has been thoughtless and just not realised it was a bit selfish, then he'll start to buy you the odd takeaway if you tell him you're strapped.

RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion · 17/01/2010 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bumpybecky · 17/01/2010 20:57

I'd get caller ID or unplug the phone, either way just stop answering it when he calls

YANBU they are taking the piss.

JjandtheBeanisaTwislut · 17/01/2010 20:59

YANBU

hes taking the piss, i had friends like this, we ended up saying there is already 4 of us to feed that costs enough we cant afford you lot too!!

Coldhands · 17/01/2010 21:44

YADNBU!! They really are taking the piss! 10 months with no contribution and phoning blatently fishing for invites.

My advice (which I would struggle to do myself as I hate confrontation) would be to politely explain that you are cutting down your food budget so cannot accommodate feeding him anymore, saying you have enough to deal with being pregnant/having baby around etc. He sounds like a lazy arse tbh. When he asks what your dinner plans are, say you and DH are going to have a nice meal together. Maybe he will get the message if you keep saying it.

Wineonafridaynight · 17/01/2010 21:47

YANBU! Totally taking the piss! I suppose with anything like this it isn't so bad if someone is grateful and returns the favour, but it sounds as though BIL and SIL are really, really taking the piss!

AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 21:53

stop taking his calls

what a user

grow a pair (or get DH to do it) and tell him he is taking advantage of your hospitality

what the hell is wrong with you both ?

Vallhala · 17/01/2010 21:53

YANBU and he is just plain rude. Perhaps the easiest way for you to deal with it is to say that as you are about to have a baby (and when he/she is born), you are so very tired and not really up to cooking so you and your DP are just going to have a quiet day together, making the most of your time as a couple/new parents and that DP is preparing you a light snack, so sorry, for the next while you won't be entertaining guests.

Failing that, tell DP that as its his side of the family and you are under enough pressure, you'd appreciate him having a quiet word with BIL to tell him that his poor wife is not up to guests and cooking.

LittleMrsHappy · 17/01/2010 21:55

Good grief I would not be putting up with that, I would grow some and tell them theirs the kitchen, and il have a cuppa while your in there

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 17/01/2010 22:04

hey hecate!

Sorry

I have an appt with surgical team to discuss same op you had! Have been meaning to email you.

Oh and OP - just don;t answer the phone between 4 & 5 on a Sunday. Yes he is taking the piss!

Abubu · 17/01/2010 22:08

What a scrounger!
Next time he comes round serve him up cabbage soup and tell him you're on a healthy eating plan for the forseeable future.

Bet that'll stop him coming round.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 22:16

sod cabbage soup

wny make yourself suffer ?

put him straight

bran · 17/01/2010 22:20

LOL at cabbage soup.

Next time he asks what your plans are say "What are you making? We might come round to yours for a change."

heQet · 18/01/2010 07:41

kew - email me! Do you have the mud one or my proper one? (I very rarely check the mud one!)

MrsVidic · 18/01/2010 07:56

I'd ask BIL to pick the takeaway up on his way over and ask for the invite round to theirs.

frakkinaround · 18/01/2010 08:05

YANBU at all. Use pregnancy/postnatal hormones as an excuse to burst into tears, rage at him and air your honest opinion of his behaviour. Then retreat, curl up into a ball and wail. That should do it.

Alternatively actively invite him, give him a list of a 'few things from the shop' and point him in the direction of the kitchen when he arrives.

overmydeadbody · 18/01/2010 08:05

I'm sorry, I agree with the others that he is taking the piss, but you've got yourself into this situation by letting him get away with it. If you don't say "no" when he calls how's he to know how you really feel?

Some people like cooking for their family and wouldn't have a problem with this set-up, so unless you actually put your foot down he is probably too self-absorbed to even think it might be a problem for you.

As for the take-awys, well you only have yourself to pay id you have ben stupid enough to pay for him?!

It's not hard to say no, or ask for his share of the money, or just say next time he calls "yeah come over for dinner, but you're cooking, can you get your supplies on the way?"

overmydeadbody · 18/01/2010 08:08

How does your DH feel about this arrangement? Is he on your side or on your BILs?

Original poster
Eliza70 · 18/01/2010 09:38

I know its our/my fault for getting into this position - it kind of crept up on me when DP and I started living together. DP sometimes thinks I am BU and sometimes thinks BIL is being unreasonable. BIL has a terrible temper, but is DPs 'best friend' so I know DP doesn't want to piss him off. There is no way to suggest he cook here (and TBH I wouldn't want him doing that anyway) but I think making it clear that he is going to have to start reciprocating is the best idea. Or saying no, but you have no idea how hard that is when he is on the phone blatantly asking 'is there enough for me.' They're a weird family anyway, all far too involved in each others lives in my opinion, it does give me and my sister something to laugh about tho!!

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 18/01/2010 10:14

Get in first.... "Oh, what are you cooking, is there enough for us?"

joanne34 · 18/01/2010 10:42

Dont answer the phone !

Bunnyjo · 18/01/2010 10:54

Oh Eliza70, I really feel for you. I have similar in-laws who seem to think it is acceptable to impose themselves like that.

I would tell your DP that things need to change. Explain how much money, time, energy etc this is taking and that all your resources now have to go on your new baby who is the most important thing. Then either you or DP explain to BIL that his company is welcome occasionally (you will need time to adjust to being a bigger family), but that you cannot really afford to buy extra food or takeaways for him anymore. We did something similar to my DH's family when our circumstances changed and they were fine with it. Although when we cooked a huge slap up Xmas dinner for everyone, MIL and BIL turned up with nothing, nada, bugger all... No wine, no soft drinks, no dessert, no biscuits, NOTHING. We even said with the invite that they could bring a bottle as all the main food had been taken care of, but I guess the hint didn't work!

It made me realise that, whilst they don't impose on us every week now, they are just those kind of people who are happy for others to pay for everything. Needless to say, they weren't invited for any more meals over the festive period!

Good luck and I really would nip it in the bud now.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 18/01/2010 11:10

YANBU. Really feel for you. I'm an only child (untill 1/2 bro at 16) and DH comes from a really tight knit mediteranean family. Think 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'
I've nearly had a nervous breakdown since Christmas, and they fed us a few times as well.
DH does love to see his family, but knows now I need a break from them sometimes. (Christmas next year cannot be so full on with another DC to cope with!!!)
I would go with the tightening of purse strings and needing some family time lines. Not to offensive, and completely reasonable.
Good luck!

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