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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my mil an obsessive control freak or am I crazy

71 replies

rmm · 17/01/2010 04:33

We live 15 minutes away from my in laws. Our relationship is cordial at best.

We are on holiday in Australia right now visiting my parents and my mil has been calling dh every other day to find out how he is.

Over Christmas (and we;re not even christians) she was calling every day!

I already told him this is really bothering me and his solution is to talk to he when we get back. I feel that the damage has already been done and anyway why not tell her now?

AIBU to think this is bordering on his mother being obsessive?????

OP posts:
megapixels · 17/01/2010 15:45

It's you being crazy. Yes having your mil call every other day sounds very needy and extremely annoying, but saying that she's a control freak and that the damage has been done (what damage??) is way OTT. It's annoying, but pretty harmless.

You say she calls to find out how he is. So it's sounds like quite a short call, just how are you, what've you been doing etc.

Dh's sister used to call him every single day (we lived on different sides of the world), most times for an hour or more at a time. I have memories of dh pulling over on the side of road while on the way somewhere, and us all sitting in the car for an hour while they spoke about things like how often dh goes swimming, how he doesn't go anymore etc. But she had no life, wanted to prove a point that dh was as devoted to her as his wife and kids and she was a complete nutcase. One of my little cousins came with us on a day out once and at the end of it she was whispering to me asking if dh was mad and what was he doing on the phone the whole day. Your MIL is nothing in comparison, she just sounds like she has little going on in her life so wants to have a bit of info on what you guys are upto in Oz .

Undercovamutha · 17/01/2010 15:57

OP YABU! ESPECIALLY as you call your mum very regularly. Unless you would be happy having your DH tell you when you can speak to your parents, I would keep quiet.

I would be really annoyed if DH told me I had to tell my mum not to phone. If your DH doesn't want her to phone so regularly, then that is between him and his mother, not you.

MadamDeathstare · 17/01/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 17/01/2010 18:46

otoh she may well be controlling if she has to be speak to him every day

but that's controlling of him not of you!

if he feels controlled, he'll have to say so

if you feel that you have the right to every breathing minute of his day because you are on holiday, then that sounds pretty controlling too

what if your dh took it into his head that speaking to your mum when you're at home everyday was too much, because the time you're at home ought to belong to your family - would you think that was for him to say?

overmydeadbody · 18/01/2010 16:32

I see the OP never came back.

random · 18/01/2010 16:38

YABU

motheroftwoboys · 18/01/2010 16:52

My eldest DS is away at Uni and I can't imagine calling him every day! Why? We speak a couple of times a week with the odd text and the odd e-mail. I used to speak to my mum about once a week. My DH speaks to his dad every day at the moment as his mum is ill - and it can go on a bit but we just realise he needs to talk. I would never expect to speak to family when they are on holiday or expect family to contact me. Maybe I am odd! If I was the OP I think I would be irritated with DH rather than MIL. I would ask DH to say something like "Hi mum - can't chat atm, why don't you give me a ring tomorrow" Then do the same tomorrow - and keep extending it. She will soon get the message. However, he must be a very nice man to want to speak to his mum so often. If he really doesn't mind then it is not really a problem.

piscesmoon · 18/01/2010 17:24

A very sensible post motheroftwoboys. I am the mother of 3 boys-2 away from home at the moment and we have conversations on skype-when we feel like it. Daily phone calls would irritate them! (I am determined not to be an irritating MIL, if the time comes, and will make sure that I don't do daily phone calls!)

onefatoneshortonelean · 18/01/2010 18:10

She is only calling every other day which is not very much more than twice a week. The OP otoh speaks to her mother every day.

OP says she called every day over Christmas but lots of people would speak to their adult children on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day amd Boxing Day wouldn't they? Maybe I am odd too.

2rebecca · 18/01/2010 18:32

I think adults who speak to their parents more than once a week are a bit odd and can't imagine being married to a man whose mother phones daily. That would turn me off the man and make me view him as a mummy's boy.
I only ring relatives in an emergency if on holiday, mind you I keep my mobile turned off most of the time, husband never takes his on holiday and neither set of parens are big mobile fans.
I don't see why he can't ask his mum to wait until he returns, but if you normally chat to your mum daily in the UK he maybe feels it's tit for tat talking to his whilst in Oz.
If my kids are away on holiday with their dad I don't ring them daily, both ex and kids would find me tiresome and needy.

cory · 18/01/2010 18:57

There can be all sorts of different factors involved, rebecca. Dh only spoke to his parents once a week, but not it's every day to his Mum because she is a widow and quite lonely (also terminally ill and paralysed, but I think he upped the phone calls before then, when she was widowed)

My Mum was punctilious about not ringing more than once a week when I had just left for uni: she's not quite so careful now that I'm 46 and can fend for myself- if she feels she needs a chat or wants to ask me something, she just rings.

I feel you need to be more careful managing the feelings of a 20yo than of a 50yo (dh can take it).

Anyway, the thing that strikes me is that the OPs dh isn't really allowed to decide this one for himself. Either his Mum decides or his wife does. Big boys imho should make their own decisions.

Lulumama · 18/01/2010 19:06

why would adults who speak to their parents more than once a week be odd??

it's odd to think taht!

i speak to my folks almost daily.

why is it odd to have a good relationship with your parents?

megapixels · 18/01/2010 19:06

"I think adults who speak to their parents more than once a week are a bit odd "

Gosh that is quite sad.

megapixels · 18/01/2010 19:10

Cross-posted Lulu. 2Rebecca do you also only speak to your close friends and others only once a week or less, or should such treatment only be reserved for parents?

bruffin · 18/01/2010 19:14

"I think adults who speak to their parents more than once a week are a bit odd "

Why, I speak to my mum and MIL most days, aged 72 and 83 they might no be here much longer, what's is wrong with speaking daily to your loved ones.

BendyBob · 18/01/2010 19:14

It's invasive of your holiday to be ringing quite so much. Depends how long you're away for I guess. It must cost her a bomb. No I dont think yabu - every other day is annoying.

I have the opposite problem. Mil goes on swanky hols and constantly rings us while she's away to tell us how fab it all is and how much we should go. We stand no chance whatever of that sort of holiday atm and she knows it; so it does grate a LOT little

CirrhosisByTheSea · 18/01/2010 19:19

agree that it is not odd at all to have a friendly relationship with your parents, and speak more than once a week!

Also it makes me really sad when people judge men who have a close relationship with parents as 'mummy's boys' I think that's really sad, personally, and hope that my son in future years feels free to be my friend without worrying that other people are judging him negatively for that. It's so sad

2rebecca · 18/01/2010 21:35

Most of my friends don't talk to their parents that often. I think when I went to university I just phoned them every week or so and it's stayed that way. my dad is always out so if I tried ringing more often I'd just get the answer machine and he never remembers to check his messages so it's a waste of time leaving them. He's in his 70s so I don't buy this idea of all elderly folk as poor souls sitting by the phone desperate for someone to talk to them who may peg it at any minute. I contact my best friend 3 or 4 times a year. We live over 6 hours apart and both have jobs and children and hobbies and enjoy talking when we do.
I don't like phones much anyway.
I think some people are into regular chats on the phone to all and sundry and some aren't.
At least when I chat to my dad every week or so we have something to say to each other, if we chatted daily we'd end up boring each other silly.

IsItMeOr · 18/01/2010 22:38

2rebecca - your post made me smile, as DH and I have muttered between ourselves previously about it being odd how his mum and sister speak on the phone every day.

But there are some specific circumstances codependency in that case, as others have suggested.

megapixels · 18/01/2010 23:01

I understand that 2rebecca, I speak to my mother once a week most of the time. But saying that adults who do speak to their parents everyday are odd is, well, odd .

bruffin · 19/01/2010 08:40

The are not sitting at home waiting to day, they are both very active people. My MIL 83 is off at different clubs most days, but I still like to talk to her and mum every day to make sure they are ok. They are off on a cruise to the Norwegian Fjords together (my mum/mil that is) soon.

Seen to many of my friends losing their parents recently and DH and I have both lost our dads

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