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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my mil an obsessive control freak or am I crazy

71 replies

rmm · 17/01/2010 04:33

We live 15 minutes away from my in laws. Our relationship is cordial at best.

We are on holiday in Australia right now visiting my parents and my mil has been calling dh every other day to find out how he is.

Over Christmas (and we;re not even christians) she was calling every day!

I already told him this is really bothering me and his solution is to talk to he when we get back. I feel that the damage has already been done and anyway why not tell her now?

AIBU to think this is bordering on his mother being obsessive?????

OP posts:
tartyhighheels · 17/01/2010 10:19

I reckon his Mother fears you will go and live in Australia. I do think it is a little much for her to be calling her son every day but you might as well chill because it doesn't actually make any difference. Remember, you are on holiday and are still posting on MumsNet..... (I wouldn't do that on holiday) I think she is panicking and that's what this is all about. Annoying I know but try and be kind, we are all psycho MIL's in the waiting

onefatoneshortonelean · 17/01/2010 10:23

I'm interupting her holiday. I usually call her, or more accuratly call my sister and speak to whoever is around. I totally don't understand what damage has been done. I am not making tham stay in and wait for my call. If they are busy or can't be arsed to speak to me then they are capable of saying so.
I am not obsessed with my mother (or sister) and I do have a life but I do miss them and I like to speak to them. I didn't know that you were only supposed to speak to them once a week when they got past 6 years old .

Frankly I wouldn't want to be married to a man who told his mother that they were only allowed to speak once a week. My Dh likes his mother, he wants to talk to her. Its not about lacking independence, they enjoy each others company and are part of a family.

rainbowinthesky · 17/01/2010 10:25

You sound controlling. Imagine if the op was a man disupting how often his dw could talk to her mother. THere would be outrage.

nickschick · 17/01/2010 10:28

Thats really OTT imo....I have no parents and dh only has his Dad but I speak to his Dad on the phone at least once a day,even on holiday,if im ill and even when we've lived miles away- if I/we dont phone him he phones us its what families do.

pinkypanther · 17/01/2010 10:32

Cannot believe the responses on this thread. The OP is on holiday and having a break with her own family. IMHO it is over needy/weird/bordering on the obsessive for her MIL to be ringing so often. Can you lot imagine what it would be like if you'd gone for your annual holiday and your MIL rang every day?

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable to be a bit at this...

wukter · 17/01/2010 10:33

YABU. What damage has been done?

Squashimodo, that sounds dreadful.

thedollshouse · 17/01/2010 10:40

I think everyone is being far too harsh to the OP. When you go on holiday you want to get away from it all you don't want constant reminders of home, this is the downside of mobile phones. My mil phones us once a day, twice a day when we are on holiday, it is annoying but it has been going on for far too long to say anything about it. Unfortunately we can't afford to go on holiday abroad at the moment, we have banned her from phoning us more than once a week when we are on holiday abroad as incoming phone calls cost us as well.

I am a private person and the worst thing for me is that I find she knows far too much about my personal life because she is getting regular updates all the time. I am pregnant and had a tummy upset the other day it was only a 24 hour thing and I felt better the next day but she phoned dh to ask him how many times I had been to the loo and what consistency my stools were. For me this is way too intrusive. She isn't lonely we actually get off lightly my bil and sil get phoned at least twice an hour very annoying when we go out with them. They don't mind though they think it is completely normal.

seeker · 17/01/2010 10:41

Maybe the MIL is a bit sad and lonely - MILs are people too.

ImSoNotTelling · 17/01/2010 10:51

We both speak to our parents a lot and see them a lot, and we all live near to eah other.

But we don't ring all teh time when on hols - we do ring a bit though and text. Hols are supposed to be about getting away from normal life a bit aren't they.

I would be a little I think but laugh about it with DH. I wouldn't get angry. Maybe a teeny little bit irritated if I'm honest.

It is between your DH and his mum though, really.

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 11:49

My DS is a lot younger, single and on holiday at the moment. He texted to say that he arrived, he will text to say he is safely back. If he wants to get in touch he will do-the last thing that he wants is his mother constantly on the phone! I don't think OP is at all controlling! MIL doesn't know what they are doing when she phones-I can imagine everyone rolling their eyes when the phone goes and saying 'not MIL again!' They could email when convenient to them or phone when convenient to them-they are not cutting her off!
I stand up for MIL and I think that they get a hard time from DILs, but you do have to let go!

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 11:50

Sorry-I stand up for MILs in general.

Hassled · 17/01/2010 11:55

I think the reasonableness or not depends on what the MIL is used to re travel abroad - are they the sort of family who never ventures beyond the UK for their holidays? Is a trip to the other side of the world likely to seem big and scary? Because that will influence how much the MIL feels the need to call her son.

I know when DS1 did his gap year travels around Africa the only thing that stopped me calling every other day was the fact that he would have hated me for it. Plus, his mate texted fairly early on to say DS1 had dropped his phone in a swimming pool, so I couldn't ring him if I wanted to .

I think you need to cut the MIL some slack. One day your DC will be on the other side of the world and you will hate not knowing if they are safe and well. And that doesn't change as your DCs get older.

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 11:57

It should change when they get older!!!!As a parent you have to deal with it!

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 12:23

Sorry-it doesn't change that you worry just as much ,and of course you hate not knowing if they are safe and well, but you keep those worried firmly to yourself and don't burden the DC. You as the parent have to deal with it.

onefatoneshortonelean · 17/01/2010 12:31

There is a difference between a lads holiday with friends or a romantic couples holiday and staying with family. The OP is seeing her mother every day on her holiday, why shouldn't her DH be allowed to speak to his mother?

MamaVoo · 17/01/2010 13:11

I speak to my mum on the phone every other day but don't phone when we're on holiday as, like you, I feel that that is time just for me, DH and DS.

I do think it's odd that she's phoning to Australia every day but MIL's can be odd creatures. I think it can only really become a problem if you make too much of an issue out of it. It can't do any real damage can it?

YANBU to think it's a strange thing to do, but just shrug it off and enjoy the time with your family.

MamaVoo · 17/01/2010 13:20

Just one other thought. I wonder if she might be worried - since your parents are in Australia - that you might start to consider settling there with your own family. Her worries might just have got the better of her and so she phones her son often.

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 13:24

She is going a good way to make them want to settle in Australia!

shockers · 17/01/2010 13:24

Good point mamaVoo

Tryharder · 17/01/2010 13:27

Of course you are being unreasonable. You freely admit that you speak to your mother every day but describe your mother in law as a control freak and obsessive because she has the "cheek" to want to have a chat with her own son.

It would indeed be rough justice if one day in the future, you wanted to speak your grown up son and his wife tried to put a spoke in the works describing you as an obsessive nutter.

Chill.

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 13:34

Maybe I missed it but I didn't see anywhere that OP was talking to her mother every day-her mother lives in Australia.

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 13:35

When I am a MIL I will speak to my DS-but not very day! If I had a daily phone call I could see why DIL would get upset.

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 13:36

every

LadyintheRadiator · 17/01/2010 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 15:20

If she speaks to her mum everyday then I take back everything that I said! Of course DH's mother can do the same.
It has just never occured to me to make phone calls on holiday-the phone (to anyone)is one of the things that I want to get away from, like the TV.