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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my aunt dead?

48 replies

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 02:56

Shes and junkie, and a dealer into the bargin. This has been going on for years, in and out of jail etc.
She has a daughter who i'll call jane. Jane lived with my family most of her life as her mum has been in jail for the vast majority. When she was little and did stay with her mum she would come to our house to visit with this dazed look on her face and complain her legs were sore. We later found out after the house had been raided that jane was sitting inhaling the fumes from the heroin they were smoking.
Cut to 10 years later and jane is back with her mother (after spending 10 years with us)and gets pregnant (14!!!!! ) We found out through a phone call from the school saying jane had a very distinct bump. Turns out she was 38 weeks pregnant.
So jane has the baby, but her mother takes over from the minute he was born so jane never really formed a bond with him.
The baby is now 3, Jane goes to college on the understanding that her mum will look after the baby through the week and she'l come home at the weekends. Her mum gets busted AGAIN while the baby was in the house and now he's been taken into care. Jane isn't allowed to know where her son is due to child protection issues which is fair enough but is allowed 2 hourly visits weekly. She is expecting my family to take on the same role that we took on for her, but we cant do it. I have my DS, my mum is looking after her dp son so doesnt have the room.
AIBU to wish that my aunt will give herself a leathal dose of heroin and kill herself. I mean what use is she? She's had 2 bites at the cherry and fucked it up both times. Shes put 2 children through the trauma of losing a loved 1, and probably had them both withdrawing from heroin at an early age.
sorry this is long i just needed to get this off my chest!

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 15/01/2010 03:05

well I can see your point but it might be nicer to wish that she would see the light and go into rehab - losing your mum, even when she's that useless, is never particularly nice so I wouldn't want to wish it on to my cousin "Jane".

I'm not quite sure why "Jane" isn't allowed to have her son back - that bit doesn't make much sense? If I were Jane I'd be dropping out of college and taking my son back myself, rather than letting him go into care - why can't she do that?

meangreenmotherfromouterspace · 15/01/2010 03:06

How was your aunt allowed to have that much contact with the baby?

Was SS not aware of her drug use and that Jane was living with you while she was growing up?

Whilst YANBU for being angry with your aunt, given that everybody knew about her situation I can't imagine anyone is surprised by this outcome.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 03:14

SS knew and knew she was handing in dirty sample when she was on a methadone programme and still did nothing. We told them we knew she was on something, told them Janes dad was there (who is also a junkie) who can get violent. Jane has dropped out of college because she's distraught, who could blame her. Shes trying everything to get him back but its going to take ages. because he was being taken care of someone who was unfit and Jane wasn't around then he was taken to a place of safety. I think SS aren't convinced that she could cope with her son. She hasn't been a mother to jane anyway so i think she would be better off if her mother did just kill herself, at least she couldn't worm her way back into her affections.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 03:20

meangreenmotherfromouterspace, they all live together. SS knew that we had jane and were happy with that arrangement as its better if a childs with a family member rather than them having to go into care. When Janes mum got out of prison it was her decision to move in with her mum, which ss were ok with as she was on a meth programme. They were supposed to keep regular contact but janes mum kept missing appointments, locking the door not answering the phone etc. I'm not surprised at all, in saying that i'm SO angry that she's done this twice

OP posts:

meangreenmotherfromouterspace · 15/01/2010 03:25

So why on earth was the baby being left with them!!!!!

I think SS concern is that he wasn't being taken care of, either by the known drug users he was in the 'care' of or by the mum who left him with them when she should have known better.

It isn't as simple now as just handing the child back to Jane, SS will see him as being at risk from his mother (as well as by her parents) because she was unable to see that these were not suitable people for her child to be left with.

thumbwitch · 15/01/2010 03:27

Ah I see - so Jane can't have her son back because she lives with her mum. Is Jane able to apply for council housing on her own? Is there anyone else in the family who could house them for a while? It sounds so desperately sad and awful - mostly for Jane and her little boy.

meangreenmotherfromouterspace · 15/01/2010 03:32

I'd be angry too, but unfortunately, that's the nature of drug users and why this is so often the end result .

meangreenmotherfromouterspace · 15/01/2010 03:33

Have SS said what Jane needs to do to get her son back. I would imagine that if she can get her own place or live elsewhere that would be a step in the right direction - as thumbwitch said.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 12:56

She moved to a friends house in birkenhead from scotland but has since got her own place. She's only a kid herself really an is really immature, so i can imagine how stroppy she's being with SS even though i've told her that when they say jump she says how high? I've just a had phone call from her balling her eyes out and saying that if i loved her as much as i said i did i would of taken her son. But i honestly dont have the room or i would have. Feel guilty a sin now

OP posts:

LittleMrsHappy · 15/01/2010 13:01

Yes your being unreasonable, she is a addict and that in itself is a illness, and to wish anybody dead is horrid!

Seabright · 15/01/2010 13:04

If you can't take her son (an if you can't, you can't - try not to feel guilty) then I think, from your description, he'd be better off with foster parents.

Question is, do you want to find a way to take him?

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 13:06

SS have already asked my mum, me, my aunt (who has just got over cancer) and my uncle, the rest must have said no. My dp said no and i have to respect that. My mum says she's had to put jane before her own kids for years and isn't doing the same to her grandchild, and to be honest i'm glad she said that as i thought she said no for another reason.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 15/01/2010 13:08

YANBU.

The damage caused by drug addicts and the cost to society is immeasurable. As for the damage to families, it's often irrepairable.

wukter · 15/01/2010 13:09

Horrible situation, and while wishing someone dead is not particularly saint-like it's understandable while you are so angry.

Really Jane herself has to step up, though she will need a tonne of support it seems. It's easy to say but try not to feel guilty for not taking in the little boy.

For everyone's sakes, yours included, work out how much help you can give, see how Jane takes that. She's not a child anymore.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 13:10

its not an illness its a joke! the womans 50 and she's carrying on like a teenager. Throughout the years i was the only member of the family to stand up for her, even when she put my gran on her death bed. Shes had chance after chance and knows she could of came to us if she felt she was tempted. Shes a drug dealer too, which is why she's been imprisoned..is that an illness..i think not! I would love to take him but like i said i honestly dont have the room and my dp says he's not comfortable with it.

OP posts:

LittleMrsHappy · 15/01/2010 13:14

Im sorry but it is a ILLNESS, backed and also medically confirmed by all health authorities! FACT!

I dont think your being unreasonable to be angry at her and cutting her out of your life, but to wish anybody dead is below the line and shameful.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 13:15

I have offered to come to ss meeting with jane which is an 170 mile round trip for me and my ds. My mum has offered to get her a lawyer, but we haven't heard anything back. Shes like my little sister and i honestly dont know what to do.

OP posts:

StrawberriesandCherries · 15/01/2010 13:15

Yanbu for feeling like that, it sounds like you have all been pushed to the limit.

Where is the little boy's father and other grandparents in all this?

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 13:21

She stole from my gran, stole from us, brought a junkie into our house when i was young who then nearly over dosed in our bathroom. I honestly dont think is shameful to wish someone was dead when all they do is make our life harder even when shes not around. Its always me and my mum that have to pick up the pieces. She got caught with £12,000 of heroin, and a wack of other drugs. imagine how many people she's dealing that to, and destroying their life as well along with their families.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 13:25

Janes dad is back in prison, both of my grandparents died and her other grandparents aren't worth knowing for example she went to stay with her gran for a night a couple of years back, she must of been about 9-10, anyway the gran chucks her out on the street at 1 in the morning and shouts out the window i'm going to heven like your other gran. That family's nuts her uncle tried to kill her gran by stabbing her..see what i mean!

OP posts:

sb6699 · 15/01/2010 13:31

Very thread. I'm not sure if this will sound awful (I really dont mean it to) but if nobody in your family is able to take responsibility for the little boy maybe he is better off with foster parents for the time being.

Maybe Jane just isnt mature enough to look after him atm. After what her mum put her through surely she must have been able to see that leaving her son with her while she was still using/dealing wasnt a particularly wise move.

I'm not saying this should be a permanent solution but Jane needs to get herself on her feet and sort herself out. Once SS have realised she has done this, then she will stand a better chance of getting her DS back.

LittleMrsHappy · 15/01/2010 13:31

if she got caught with it, how is she still dealing it? confused.com.

yes, she is hideous in her behaviour, but its still shameful to wish another being dead.

DuelingFanjo · 15/01/2010 13:33

drug users and drug addicts are very different.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 15/01/2010 13:35

LittleMrsHappy you know what i mean! i think your just trying to wind me up, sorry not working, far to if thats how much she got caught with imagine how much she had to begin with in the 1st place! police dont just raid your house without some suspision that your commiting a crime..think about it!

OP posts:

StrawberriesandCherries · 15/01/2010 13:38

I meant the little boy's dad and his parents, do they have any input into his life?

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