to worry about my mother taking over once baby is born?

[OrangeAnge]

I am due any day now (actually over due by 5 days!) so don't know if my brain is just doing overtime or not. I have become increasingly worried about how to handle my mother and the in-laws once baby is born.

They are chomping at the bit - first grandchild for both of them. I get a phone call everyday to 'see if there's been any twinges', and they are both ready to drop everything as soon as it does!

I am thinking that although they are keen to become grandparents, we are just as keen to experience being parents for the first time. My mother lives about 2.5hours drive away so when she comes down she usually stays at our place.

AIBU to think about her staying somewhere else on the first night we and the baby are at home? I have suggested that the grandparents come and see the baby when we get out of hospital and then to leave us for a day or two. Is this reasonable? or will we actually be glad of the help/advice?

How do you actually word it if you want to (politely) keep them away for a bit?

Any advice gratefully received!

I don't know - I was grateful to have my mum there the day I came home as she was very helpful. I was happy when she took over as she could actually get him to sleep! And when we were sleeping she washed up, did a shop etc.

I think it's more than reasonable to suggest she waits a day or two. I know they are excited but you are the important one here.

Of course it's reasonable! Just tell them you want a couple of days alone to get to know your baby and then you'll be really glad to have some time with the grandparents and their help and advice.

It would be totally unreasonable for anybody to begrudge you this.

Aw bless they are just excited! Don't tell them til AFTER the baby is born. And def. say no to overnight visitors. Tell your mum of course you are longing for her to meet her new gc but you need a bit of time and space too.

My DH invited his entire family round when we got home from the hospital. I remember sitting there in an unreal daze as they passed the baby round. And as i had a CS, dd was 3 days old at that point.

My parents came for a look when we first got home, but my mum and MIL popped over more once DH was back at work. That was really nice - we had family time together then I had some company and help once his paternity leave finished.

Just ask them to come for a longer visit once your partner isn't around to help so much.

I think you are definitely NBU. if you don't want them to stay, then tell them so. our parents did not come to visit until a couple of days after so it gave us chance to get to grips with stuff and feel our way a bit before the family descended on us with all their (no doubt well meaning) advice!!

Welcome it with open arms. My parents and parents-in-law took little interest in both of my pregnancies. I went into shock when my first baby was born (12 years ago!) and didn't know my a..e from my elbow , I literally felt that I was going mad. At the time my parents lived 10 minutes drive away, but the only time they helped out was when I picked up the phone in tears and desperation.

They begrudingly babysit now and never have them overnight, even though they are no longer babies and they are great kids (even if I do say so myself)! So let them enjoy your newborn and let them help, you will be grateful of it now and in years to come. If they get too close for comfort, just be honest and tell them that you need some space and time alone, I'm sure they'll understand. And good luck, I hope everything goes well

Thank you for such quick replies!

I have thought that it would be a good idea to have them around more once DH goes back to work.

I guess it's just the staying over thing that is worrying me, but I don't want to burn any bridges either.

I may ask the MIL if mum can stay with her on that first night?

Depends how insane/heplful they are. My Mum & MIL had drinks on tap, did the shopping & cleared up so me, DH & DD could concentrate on learning to be a family. It was wonderful and earned them both valuable brownie points against future disagreements.

I found the first few days a bit of a nightmare tbh. I constantly had family wanting to come around and we put them off for a few days as we just couldn't handle it. Saying that, I would have appreciated some help as we didn't get much.

Grand parents visited in the hospital then again after we had been at home for a few days. I did find visitors very very stressful and I felt like I had to be up when all I wanted to do was go to bed. I would definitely do it all differently next time.

YANBU to ask for no over night guests! That would be a bloody nightmare imho. The older generation mean well but they do have a habit of constantly giving out advice of 'thats how we did it' and not accepting that things have changed a bit.

That may be a good idea for the first night, as it is the worst (or it was for us).

ubergeek thats really sad

Depends on your relationship and how the birth goes. I wished my mum couldve stayed with us for a few weeks when I came home as I needed hardcore looking after - more than DH could provide as he was shellshocked.

My MIL, though? Couldn't get rid of her. She came to stay and to be honest, it marred the first few weeks. I felt totally claustrophobic, no privacy, constantly judged and criticised.

If I were you I'd wait and see how you feel, but make a pact with your DH first, as he will have to speak for both of you if you end up wanting to fend them off for a bit, and he'll have to be diplomatic but firm.

YANBU but you could turn this to your advantage by training your mother and ILs from now. If they're both keen to help then let them. Let your mother stay, but give her strict instructions on how she will be most helpful whilst there. Cooking, cleaning, fetching things from the shops, running you a bath, making you cups of tea, and eventually holding the baby for five minutes while you go to the loo. It will free you and dh up to enjoy your baby and go for walks and have lazy lie-ins while you feed snuggle your baby. They will most definitely have to sort themselves out as you will not be making them breakfast or changing their sheets.

It's a very exciting time for them. If you believe that having them around will be an extra burden then you'll need to lay down the law now. Tell them you will need a few days to yourselves to work out feeding and sleeping issues and that you'll be more than happy for them to come for a longer visit once you're a bit more sure of yourselves.

But, as I found, I couldn't wait to show ds off to everyone and was a bit disappointed when people did stay away for a week or so.

YANBU

Say no to overnight stays. Why not let them come to see you in the hospital (if that's where you're giving birth) then they've at least seen your new baby.

Too many visitors can really interfere with breast feeding too as at that stage you're generally not too confident.

I would definitely not want anyone there when you first go home. You need to get settled and have your little panic about bringing the baby home while no-one's there.

I thought my Mum was gong to completely take over as she started referring to the baby (whilst I was pregnant) as her baby!!!! Anyway. Hormones kicked in and I turned into a rottweiler.

Second time round I did a visiting hours rota for all the GPs.

Definitely say no to overnight visitors. Sounds like a good idea to see if your mum could stay with mil. In my case it was the opposite, my in-laws stayed at my mum's place, we really did need to have the nights to ourselves so we could get used to being parents! I also agree with digitalgirl about training visitors- have a list of jobs etc that they can help you with, like shopping and washing up. Try to make sure that you and your partner do most of the caring for the baby. ANd don't be afraid to chuck visitors out when you've had enough, or go off and have a lie down when you need to. Are you planning on breastfeeding? If you are, it's the perfect excuse for escaping from visitors, very convenient!

I hope my Mum decides to set up a camp in our living room and never leaves me for the next 18 years !

Be prepared to change you mind if you have a c-section. I felt really, really crap and was in a lot of pain, so having someone to help was great.

YANBU about the overnight visits.

I'm very lucky in that my mum managed to stay close & involved but without crowding us or taking over. When we brought DS home from the hospital she made me a cup of tea, popped a shephards pie in the fridge & left us to it

Try to lead them towards helping you with cooking & cleaning so you can spend time just enjoying your new baby.

Good luck with everything.

I can sympathise with you as I was in the same situation. You MUST put your foot down. Tell them straight that you want to be on your own for the first few nights. I had to do this and they had to accept it. When it's your first baby you need time to find your feet and not feel that everyone's watching/judging you. They might mean well but that's no excuse for them to be there all the time. You really need some space to follow your own instincts. I let mine come over during the day to help with cooking/cleaning etc. but they all went to stay at my parents house (in-laws live 4 hrs away) at night.
Good luck. You'll be fine xx

Thank you all for your help. I feel much more reassured! x

They do stuff that means you can lie in bed feeding baby and sleeping = gift horse that should not be looked in the mouth.
They need anything that requires you getting off the sofa / dressed = people that should be encouraged to stay at home.

YANBU!

I'm pregnant for the second time now, and boy have I learned from the first experience! My mum arrived from Cornwall (I live in Kent) while I was in labour, and hung around in the delivery room until my son was born (sending my Dad home just half an hour before he appeared. My dad had taken me to appointments throughout, and drove DP and I to the hospital, so that was a real blow for me not to see him soon after. She then proceeded to hand around in the hospital with my brother and sister (my brother, bless him, was 16 at the time and built like a house. He has ASD, so lovely, but kinda awkwardly in the way.)

My Dad drove us home from the hospital after a few days of crowded misery in the ward, and we had a tiring but wonderful night alone with DS, which was terrifying but hugely important to our confidence. If you have any concerns that parents or in-laws might take over or sit there telling you what to do, say no. You have to work things out for yourself. I was so glad we had no one staying at night, as the first few days seemed to be full of people sitting everywhere in our small house, cooing over and holding MY baby, while I felt lost, in pain, and cranky. Never again.

You need to have set visiting times. If you feel you can handle more than you'd thought once the bab'y there, then fine, have people stay longer, but that's a lot easier to arrange than kicking people out when you promised them a whole day! And make sure the balance is there too - my mum totally hogged DS when my in-laws arrived, with the reasoning that she wouldn't see him for months. I don't think they even really got to hold him the first time they saw him, and my MIL has never really forgiven my mum. Nor has DP, though obviously his bigger problem is that she ruined the birth for him.

My dad, on the other hand, wonderful. Came round for short periods of time, did bits of washing up, asked DP how he was coping with all the changes (he was the only one who asked that, too) and generally was there when we wanted him, but away when we didn't. If you think that this is how a relative will behave, then you don't need to point it out to them. They'll act decently. But if you're concerned, it's probably with good reason. Set the boundaries now, because in the chaos after delivery you could well get swept along like I did.

OrangeAnge - the first night you have at home with your new baby and your dp is one of the most amazing nights of your life where you will probably spend half the time going "oh my god we've got a baby". Don't have your mum to stay - she would probably have a great time at MILs where they can both gossip about being grannys and remembering back to when you two were babies etc.
Do remember to let them know that if they would like to drop of any meals they would be gratefully received.

Good luck and enjoy you have an amazing time ahead of you X

i was very worried about visitors. really didn'y fancy having people round at all. not sure why i felt so strongly aobut it thinking about it now.

I told my dad and brother not to come sraight away, then I got upset that they could not come for ages (for various more or less valid reasons) and we had to go and see them when the baby was 3 months old.
I dont think i would have coped with them around so, barely could look after myself, nevermind anyone else.

It'll really depend on your birth experience I think. I stayed a couple of nights in hospotal after my c-section, friend of mine had a natural birth and was home the same day

I had a cs and I know dh could have done with a hand but a cousin of ours came over a few times to give the kitchen a once over for visitors

it really depends if they are going to help or expect to be served really, which would be unreasonable.

"OrangeAnge - the first night you have at home with your new baby and your dp is one of the most amazing nights of your life where you will probably spend half the time going "oh my god we've got a baby".

Don't be too devastated if the reality for you is slightly different!

The first night I came home with ds1 was far from amazing. Starting by the discovery of various take-away containers and overflowing ashtrays in the sitting room! Having made me a cup of tea, ex-husband promptly disappeared to continue the headwetting party in the pub. I remember sitting on the sofa already concerned about the huge responsibility I had for this vulnerable little baby and desperately wishing that, for once, ex-husband could have rallied round and done the flowers and lovely clean house trick. I actually wanted my mother to appear and sort things out! In fact I'd have much preferred her to stay over and ex-dh to go elsewhere since it was quite clear that he wasn't going to be any help.

However, YANBU in wanting some time to yourself and I would be firm about limiting visitors in the very early days. You will be tired (even if you've had the most straightforward delivery) and you need to be enjoying your new baby without the pressure of umpteen people sharing your space.