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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about my mother taking over once baby is born?

37 replies

OrangeAnge · 14/01/2010 19:52

I am due any day now (actually over due by 5 days!) so don't know if my brain is just doing overtime or not. I have become increasingly worried about how to handle my mother and the in-laws once baby is born.

They are chomping at the bit - first grandchild for both of them. I get a phone call everyday to 'see if there's been any twinges', and they are both ready to drop everything as soon as it does!

I am thinking that although they are keen to become grandparents, we are just as keen to experience being parents for the first time. My mother lives about 2.5hours drive away so when she comes down she usually stays at our place.

AIBU to think about her staying somewhere else on the first night we and the baby are at home? I have suggested that the grandparents come and see the baby when we get out of hospital and then to leave us for a day or two. Is this reasonable? or will we actually be glad of the help/advice?

How do you actually word it if you want to (politely) keep them away for a bit?

Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:

diddl · 15/01/2010 08:34

Would it be so hard for her to stay one night?

I think you have to play it by ear tbh.

You might have a night or two in hospital, so perhaps she could visit you there?

peacocks · 15/01/2010 08:39

Completely agree with those who say invite them to help when dh is back at work.

I mean, they can come and see the baby straight away but then just go off and come back. That's fair enough.

If you need an excuse tell them you don't want to make plans at first in case you need to stay in hospital.

GPs wanting to be around is natural but GPS around when dh and you are around is just a bit much. Well it's a nightmare.

Then it's "who comes first" and "for how long" -- welcome to the world of grandparent politics. The fun starts here.

MrsTittleMouse · 15/01/2010 08:49

One tip - do not tell them that you're in labour or that you're going to the hospital. That way they can't worry and you eliminate any risk of them trying to turn up at the hospital, or driving the MWs mad phoning the delivery ward.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/01/2010 13:02

You might find it goes okay. We've just had the first grandchild and both my mum and MIL were over excited in the run-up! However due to a 4 day hospital stay mum visited me in hosp and came home with us when we were discharged. She only stayed an hour or so and didn't take over at all. I thought she'd be up every week but in fact it's all worked out fine. Try not to get worked up about it and wait and see what happens. You don't have to answer the phone or door if you don't feel up to it

If things got a bit much with visiting people, I'd just take her into a quiet room for feeding so we'd have our own time together. Be prepared to firmly say she's hungry and you ARE going to feed her - DH's grandad wouldn't give her back to me and MIL helpfully stepped in

Henrietta · 15/01/2010 13:22

It really depends on your relationship and how much they will give you your space. If they're just going to coo over the baby then thats just extra work for you if they're staying, if they're going to help out with the washing/ironing making tea then maybe it will help. I had the best of both - mum came in the morning to help out with washloads etc but we had our evenings to ourselves as they went home to their own beds, which was great for our family (me,hubby and new baby) bonding experience.

If your hubby is at home on paternity leave why not suggest they come the 2nd week, but pop to see you in hosp when the baby is born so they can have their cuddle/pics? then you can always change your mind if you need their help sooner?

olderandwider · 15/01/2010 14:36

What does you DH think? It's going to be you and him looking after your new little one and isn't it best if you do it together right from the start? Having GPs over to help can interfere with this and it's very easy for partners to be made to feel redundant or clueless. My ILs and DF visited about a week after DD was born (they lived over 10 hours round trip away) so it was just me, DH and the baby. It was exhausting but wonderful too. Plus it was good for DH to see I was clueless didn't have any special baby knowledge and he was as good as me at changing nappies and walking DD round and round when she cried.
My ILs visited once DH was back at work and it was brilliant. They cooked and looked after DD if I needed to go out for anything. DF just came to coo, but that was nice too!

doughnutty · 15/01/2010 15:10

Let them visit but make them aware it won't be pass the baby. You and DH need to use these precious days to bond with your LO. Tell them they will have plenty of time to bond later and you want them to be involved in your babies life but for the first couple of weeks the biggest help from them will be cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry and shopping. If you are bfing your baby will be attached to your boob anyway and even your DH will get only a little bit of time with baby.

Let them know that priority is for you and DH to get to know your LO. They will have lots of time too but not before you.

2rebecca · 15/01/2010 16:47

My mum came up after my husband went back to work. This gave us time together. I really wouldn't have wanted any overnight visitors the first week. Husband's parents stayed with local relatives but would probably have got b&b if no relatives. They came the day after birth but live several hours nearer than my parents when popping up for a couple of days wasn't an option.
With the posters mum it should be possible to come up day after birth and stay in b&b or house for the night then go home and come back later. If she is likely to refuse to go home I'd be disinclined to have her in the house though.
I was overdue and once it got near my date all friends and relatives got politely told "don't phone us we'll phone you" as I hated the "has anything happened yet" phone calls.
You are in control here, no-one can take over unless you let them.
My mum was actually great once my husband went back to work, she did all the housework and cooking and left me to sleep and feed my baby. It was great.
No-one got told I was in labour until after the birth. We didn't take mobile phones into the hospital. I think husband (now exhusband although he was excellent when kids babies) went home to bed, turned all the house phones off so he wouldn't be disturbed as he was knackered and rang folk at a reasonable time the next day.

fillybuster · 15/01/2010 16:58

YANBU, but also dont underestimate how great it is to have help once your dc is born. My parents stayed over the first night when ds was born (they only live 2 miles away!) and that was utterly unncessary, but they weren't in the way, either, and it was reassuring knowing that some other sensible adults were in the house...especially after a 28 hour labour with no sleep and a self-discharge immediately afterwards from the hospital-ward-from-hell

We did have to beats my ILs off with a big stick the first few weeks (they also live nearby!), but overall the interest/support was a good rather than a negative thing.

Of course if people moving in equates to you looking after them (rather than them looking after you), or them interfering rather than supporting how you look after your new baby, then tell them you'd prefer a few days quiet time with the newbie first.

Original poster

OrangeAnge · 15/01/2010 17:54

Thank you all for your experiences and advice.

My mum must be a mind reader (or a mumsnet member!) as she said today that she only wants to be ehlpful in anyway that she can. And if that means staying away then she's fine with that too.

We have arranged that she will stay with the in laws, which everyone is happy with!

I guess the main thing is for me and DP to see how we feel as new parents and be firm with all visitors, not just GPs.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 15/01/2010 21:03

When DS 1 was born I lived 5 hrs away from my parents and when they got the call to announce I was in labour they made their plans to commence their journey more or less immediately. By the time DS was born they were in the delivery suite. I wouldn't have changed that for the world (only D(now ex)H was there for the birth, I mean they were there shortly afterwards). Nor the fact that by the time I was discharged they had returned home and my DM returned 2 wks later when I really needed her.

PIL, who lived locally, popped in and out over the first week or so but that was easily dealt with by disappearing upstairs to "nap")

If you feel your Mum taking over, I think you'll be surprised by your strength to say no (or your relief to say Yes)

sanfairyann · 15/01/2010 21:16

sounds like you've reached a good compromise

my mum was v bossy but she was also fab at building up my confidence at bf which I was having a rubbish time with, and she was great as an extra pair of hands. don't be too quick to dismiss the support she might give. also tbh I have never found dh to be all that useful for the first 6 months or so after birth - imo he came into his own as the babies reached toddlerdom - baby stuff is more suited to women (ducks and runs for cover )

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