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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel confused and upset

40 replies

disappointed2010 · 14/01/2010 13:20

Firstly sorry for the name change its just that normally I post quite a bit and this is a bit sensitive, secondly another apology I know this is the wrong place to ask advice but its the only place I ever get any honest answers
Hi I'm sorry this going to be a bit long winded but last year I had "the talk" with my husband (we have been married for just over 18 months), I really put myself out there and told him exactly how much I want to have a baby (we accidentally got pregnant a couple of years ago and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks), how much it aches me inside when all around me I see people having children (my SIL and friend both told me they were having babies within three months of each other) also, his best friends then partner actually gave birth to her baby the day I lost mine and so whenever I see her I just feel so sad (I know it sounds pathetic). We had always talked about having a family and he has always been very positive about it. He said we should look at what we need and how much ot will cost, what I would be entitled to from work etc etc, we did this research and we felt really positive about it, he then said that we should wait til we are a bit better off financially, though TBH i cant see a time when we will be better off than we are, we both have good jobs and have enough money for holidays etc at the moment, but he still wont commit to having one, I just keep getting "we will have a baby just not yet, blah blah blah" and I am now at the point I cant take it, I cry every time I think I'm throwing away the chance to be a mother just because he is dragging his feet, but then I love him dearly and can't imagine leaving him, I can't be happy without a baby but then I cant be happy without him, why should I have to choose? I tried to google my problem to see if anyone else was in the same boat and the only advice people seem to get is "leave him" or "get pregnant without him knowing" and TBH I'm feeling desperate enough right now to actually to consider the second option, I know its crazy but I feel completely torn.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 14/01/2010 13:22

You need to speak to him again, show him what you've written here. Do not just 'fall pregnant'. That is a horrible deception.

StealthPolarBear · 14/01/2010 13:28

DH is a bit like this, but i pointed out there would never be an 'ideal' time (if you have more money you find you need more stuff!) and you can't live your life like that
i suggest talk to him, explain exactly how much you want this. Agree a date to start trying (maybe a year) and come up with a budget for before then so you have savings.
Also (and apologies if this isn't relevant or offends) does he know women's fertility drops sharply at a certain age? Men sometimes just don't realise & think they have all the time in the world

leftangle · 14/01/2010 13:33

Hugs for you. Have you told him what you've said here? How old are you both? I think you might need to set a deadline - eg I want to start ttc within the next 2 years otherwise I won't feel able to stay with you - gives him a little more time to prepare himself. He shouldn't need it though but men always seem think theres plenty of time. No real suggestions here but much sympathy.

crazycat34 · 14/01/2010 13:33

no, YANBU to be confused and upset. I think anyone in your position would be.

On a very pragmatic level - if money is a worry for him, why not do a bit of background work yourself and find out some facts and figures - use your work maternity policy and the gov websites, find out what tax credits you'd be entitled to (in theory as these are bound to change), and child benefit rates. Get an idea of nursery/childminder rates in your area and get a feel for whether you could afford it.

I don't think there's ever a good time financially to start a family (so long as you're not totally destitute!) because every family takes a knock financially. Just make sure you can keep your heads above water for the time from the baby being born to starting school (because that's the time that costs the most with childcare).

Don't follow internet advice - this is your life. So don't just leave and certainly don't 'trap' him.

If there really is a stalemate then you will have to consider your future together - that is the only option if you want children and he doesn't. Which do you want more?

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Have you had support in coming to terms with this? Is he scared of it happening again?

thumbwitch · 14/01/2010 13:33

There really isn't a "right time" for it - you have to talk to him again. You don't say how old you are but obviously age is a factor.

With my DH, he is a fair bit younger than me and has always wanted DC, so when we had The Talk it involved me saying we need to get on with it if you want DC because I am Old. He wanted to wait until he was 35, but by then I would be 44 so I said No Way, we start now or you go and find someone younger because my chances diminish daily as I get older.

So we started trying immediately and I got pg within 3m and had DS 2y ago. The second one is taking much longer - haven't managed it properly yet.

leftangle · 14/01/2010 13:34

x posted with stealth there

diddl · 14/01/2010 13:41

You definitely need to tell him how you feel.

Perhaps he´s frightened you might miscarry again?

But I do think that it needs to be a joint decision.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 14/01/2010 13:41

In one sense there is never a good time to have a baby...financially they are not good for you...

how old are you? I was 33 when I had DS1 - I had just started a new career, and then left it...not a sensible career/financial decision, but I didn't want to wait any longer. Things were a bit tight, but we managed.

You need to talk...and agree with SPB's suggestions. Ultimately if he doesn't want a child, you need to decide what is more important. Slightly different but before we were married everytime someone got engaged my DH would say "Another bites the dust". I left him a letter one day when I was going away for a couple of weeks saying that he needed to think about things...if we were going to stay together perhaps we should get engaged / married...if not, bearing in mind I was appraoching 30, maybe we should make that decision sooner rahter than later. He proposed very soon afer I got back.

Good luck - I remember feeling that everyone seemed to be having babies too. It was very depressing at the time.

Original poster
disappointed2010 · 14/01/2010 13:44

I am 30 and he is almost 33, I have researched what I would be entitled to from work and tax credits etc (all of this he knows about) and I have mentioned that my fertility is going to start declining soon, when we had the talk he said we could start trying "in a few months" I have mentioned that it has been more than a few months and he said "well we have a few things to get sorted first" a few things being a small loan we are paying my mother back (she helped us out with our wedding and has only just accepted that we pay her back now, she was convinced we'd need forever to get back on our feet bless her, that is £150 a month which will be paid in August and my brother is now on about getting married overseas so that will be another massive expense....

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/01/2010 13:49

fair enough, but that's life, there are always going to be expenses I do think you need to gently set an ultimatum, and barring absolute catastrophe (one of you losing a job etc) stick to it

slightlystressed · 14/01/2010 13:53

My DP was reluctant about me getting pregnant, he's always thinking about how much things cost aswel. I was adamant I wanted a baby, so I told him I was coming off the pill and if he didnt want me to get pregnant he'd have to use condoms, he never used condoms of course and I got pregnant within a month, 2nd time around it was HIM nagging me to come off the pill!
I know this might sound a bit pushy, but know my DP like the back of my hand and with big decisions he needs a bit of nudge.
What do you think you're DH's reaction would be if you did the same?

Pancakeflipper · 14/01/2010 13:55

As the others wisely say there is never an ideal time. You get through. Friends empty their attics with baby things etc....

And this brothers wedding of yours - sorry but that sounds like a naff excuse. I understand paying off a loan. - that will be a weight off you.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 14/01/2010 13:59

Wanting a baby can be stronger for the woman than the man and men can be more practical about it.

This really is one of those things that you can't compromise on as you can't have half a baby.

If you were never to have a baby would you resent him in years to come?

Do you want his baby or a baby as you may have to make a choice to choose him and potentially no baby, or make it clear to him that in x amount of time if he is still saying no then it is over as you want another baby.

FWIW I had a temporary job when I conceived which I gave up at 9 weeks and never worked since. We managed.

Original poster
disappointed2010 · 14/01/2010 14:00

slightlystressed - when I found out I was pg before the mc he was overwhelmed at first but then he was happy, and he keeps saying things like "when we have a baby I think we are going to have a little girl I think that would be really sweet" and he adores my baby nephew. I mentioned to him the other week that the "pul out" method we are using (a recipe for disaster on its own, since I stopped the pill - which he agreed to - we are using condoms and the withdrawal method)isnt the most reliable he just said well, if an accident happened it wouldnt be a big disaster, it would be a shock but we would cope. which annoys me further that he is willing to take and accept these risks but not try and get pg on purpose.

OP posts:
Original poster
disappointed2010 · 14/01/2010 14:02

Fabisgoingtobefab - I want his baby, I want us to be a family.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 14/01/2010 14:02

Having just read your last post I am a bit as you are taking risks with the withdrawal method, even if you use condoms sometimes.

leeloo1 · 14/01/2010 14:04

Sorry about the miscarriage - of course it makes total sense that you'd have huge regrets about that and feel sad about not having the baby/everyone else having them.

Is there any date that makes sense for you to be pregnant by? Just we'd decided to have a baby but couldn't decide when, as seemed like too big a decision. But as I was a teacher, it made sense to get pregnant in January to have baby in Sept/Oct (after summer hols). That meant we had 4/5 months to get used to the idea, try and eat healthily, take vitamins, stop drinking etc.

If not, then could you say to DH, right mum will be paid off by Aug, so I want to get pregnant by May(?) so will have 3 months of paying mum back and then 6 months to save up for when the baby comes.

(Wedding abroad seems like red herring, cos there'll always be some expensive thing to do and you don't want to look back in 10 years time and say 'well we didn't have a baby but we did go to some fab weddings, get a new car and the boiler fixed'!).

Original poster
disappointed2010 · 14/01/2010 14:06

fabisgoingtobefab - im too, its like I said its annoying that he is willing to take and accept these risks but not to try and get pregnant on purpose.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 14/01/2010 14:06

Maybe he just wants to be able to blame you..

slightlystressed · 14/01/2010 14:07

Ah just sounds he needs a nudge then. Forget the condom next time and tell him at the right moment to stay...erm...inside (sorry!!!) or something along those lines, once its happened just keep doing that he'll know what your up to of course, but if he doesnt complain then alls good!

Original poster
disappointed2010 · 14/01/2010 14:09

fabisgoingtobefab - as i was typing the last message to you I thought, may be he just does want it to happen by accident and then he doesnt feel as pressured.

OP posts:
Whiteybaby · 14/01/2010 14:09

Disappointed, do you think he might just be scared of making the big decision to "do it"? It almost sounds like he is a bit worried about it generally hence not wanting to "start properly" but saying an accident wouldn't be a problem? I know this prob seems like a stupid question but did you have a very rough time with the mc? Perhaps he is a bit worried of all the emotional stuff that can come with pregnancy.. Maybe worth sitting down with a bottle of wine (if your thing ) and having a good chat about fears.. yours as well as his? Just a thought...

Whiteybaby · 14/01/2010 14:10

Disappointed... x post !!

Original poster
disappointed2010 · 14/01/2010 14:11

whiteybaby - the miscarriage was unpleasant but not horrific, just very sad.

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 14/01/2010 14:13

I haven't read all the posts but perhaps a professional mediator like a trained marriage counselor maybe a good move, if none of the other suggestions you've been given help.

As otherwise it is like having an "elephant" in the room with you always that neither of you speak about. That's not good for you to continue with all these raging feelings if he won't see your point of view or listen understandingly, as sooner or later it'll start to come out in your relationship in other ways.

My husband and I are about to embark on marriage counseling for other reasons as we both recognise that we have to. I don't know whether your hubby would be open to this suggestion or not, or if there is a better way. But at least you'd both get to speak properly about your feelings here with a mediator and perhaps reach an agreement. The mediator may help both him and you to see each others side and reach a middle ground.

But as I say try the suggestions from others first of course. That's my opinion for what its worth though