To feel confused and upset

[disappointed2010]

Firstly sorry for the name change its just that normally I post quite a bit and this is a bit sensitive, secondly another apology I know this is the wrong place to ask advice but its the only place I ever get any honest answers
Hi I'm sorry this going to be a bit long winded but last year I had "the talk" with my husband (we have been married for just over 18 months), I really put myself out there and told him exactly how much I want to have a baby (we accidentally got pregnant a couple of years ago and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks), how much it aches me inside when all around me I see people having children (my SIL and friend both told me they were having babies within three months of each other) also, his best friends then partner actually gave birth to her baby the day I lost mine and so whenever I see her I just feel so sad (I know it sounds pathetic). We had always talked about having a family and he has always been very positive about it. He said we should look at what we need and how much ot will cost, what I would be entitled to from work etc etc, we did this research and we felt really positive about it, he then said that we should wait til we are a bit better off financially, though TBH i cant see a time when we will be better off than we are, we both have good jobs and have enough money for holidays etc at the moment, but he still wont commit to having one, I just keep getting "we will have a baby just not yet, blah blah blah" and I am now at the point I cant take it, I cry every time I think I'm throwing away the chance to be a mother just because he is dragging his feet, but then I love him dearly and can't imagine leaving him, I can't be happy without a baby but then I cant be happy without him, why should I have to choose? I tried to google my problem to see if anyone else was in the same boat and the only advice people seem to get is "leave him" or "get pregnant without him knowing" and TBH I'm feeling desperate enough right now to actually to consider the second option, I know its crazy but I feel completely torn.

mixed messages much?

Wasn't there a thread similar to this fairly recently?

whoisasking - sorry I didnt realise this had already been done. Just needed some advice and didnt really know where else to turn.

hi
with my husband it has always been best to avoid the conversation of "shall we try to have another baby" altogether. We both wanted a baby each time but the thought of actively trying can be off putting for some men.

If it was me I would avoid talking about trying and turn it more towards not "not trying" something along the lines of saying you are taking risks anyway with the pull out method why not leave it up to nature altogether and use nothing btu at the same time dont time sex to conceive or anything like that. Make it sound like no big deal just another one of those things.

Of course if you want to time sex,using ovulation tests etc you can and if he asks dont lie abotu it just dont announce one morning that your are ovulating as it will put him off!.

you are not lying to him then or getting pregnant behind his back which is not a good idea!

I didn't mean it in a nasty way OP - I just remembered that there was some good advice on there and thought you could have a look at both threads.

Can't find it anyway! Sorry.

Disappointed, I think if he is happy to have a baby by accident then you need to stop stressing about it yourself. Actively trying for a baby can be stressful and pressurising for men (as DH knows too well, bless him) and perhaps he is trying to avoid this.

well, the fact he is saying things like "we will have a baby soon" is a big positive! Also the fact that when you got "accidentally" pregnant he was actually happy! It shows he is not ruling out the possibility.
A friend of mine was in a relationship 10 years when the topic of children finally came up and the OH said they simply did not want kids!! This was the end of the relationship and it was so sad that in 10 years they had never discussed their expectations about children.

It's so true what others have said - there is never a "perfect" time to have kids you can always find reasons why it is not a good idea. The fact is you just cope. It doesn't have to be as expensive as you think, yes you need stuff but a lot of it can be bought second hand. It's only things like the car seat, and matress that need to be bought new. I read a book recently about families living in the london docklands in the 1950s, it was very common to have as many as 15 kids, living in just a two bedroom tennement! People just coped, because they had to. Perhaps he is just terrified of making this commitment. A lot of men feel very heavily the sense of responsibility to be the bread-winner or provider. Perhaps a real honest heart-to-heart is necessary to find out what his issues are in delaying like this.

Yes you are 30 so need to start thinking about it, but by no means are you past it yet! You still have lots of time so try not to panic. My mum was 36 when she had me!

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant deliberately without his agreement, or it will forever be a breach of trust between you that will be very hard to overcome. It needs to be a joint decision.

good luck x

whoisasking - apologies, I just read my thread back and it souds like Im biting your head off, I didnt mean it that way I just typed it really quickly. sorry.

It sounds to me that he is scared of actually making the decision to say yes. By practising unsafe sex (such as withdrawal) and, frankly, rubbish contraception such as condoms (I got pregnant using those!)he sounds like he is almost willing it to happen so the decision making is out of his hands.

I would say that you want to stop using contraception (rather than saying I want a baby) and if he doesn't object then go ahead as he is agreeing.

I think this is utterly ridiculous tbh.

Sex without contraception can and will mean you will fall pregnant and you both should stop all this skirting around and living in dream world.

It has to be a 100% joint decision to have a baby not let's play around and if it happens it happens. This is a potential life fgs and while no man should be pressured in to having a child he should be grown up about it and sensible.

justmoon - what do you mean condoms are "rubbish contraception"?!?! I am in big trouble if that were true!

No problem disappointed! IIRC there were much deeper issues in that other thread anyway.

Disappointed First I would like to say I completely understand how you feel!!!

I myself was posting things like this this time last year as I was in a very similar situation with my husband.

I wanted another baby.

I asked him first in January 2009, he answered no. We have 2 children already.
I cried buckets, got to the point of desperation - just like you.

In the end I sent him an email detailing exactly how miserable I was - don't get me wrong I was very happy with my 2 beautiful children, I just wanted 1 more to complete the family.

We then sat down at home and had a huge tearful talk about it all and we agreed on a date we would start TTC. I was 23 at the time and said I would not bewilling to TTC after I reached 26 because I was worried that our 2 children wouldn't react well or adapt well to a new sibling.

Once a date had been set he was massively excited and we are now expecting a new arrival in July/August.

I hope you get your turn at motherhood soon - it may be nerves on your husbands part, it's such a huge step that requires some sacrifices. He may be afraid of that - offer him reassurance and support (even though you probably don't feel very supportive/supported - I know I didn't).

love
K xx

no advice, just best wishes, im sure he'll come round in the end, his biological clock with get him xx

I feel for you I really do.

When we got married I was desperate to start trying straight away and desperate to come off my pill but DH wanted to wait until we were more financially secure.

In the end he decided we might be waiting for this to happen forever and gave in. I had been tempted to just forget my pill but knew how angry he would be that I had deliberately deceived him and did not want to be dishonest in our marriage.

In my case we tried for a baby for 2 years. Had tests and discovered we were infertile (chances of conceiving less than 5%). However we were still young (I was 24) and although I couldn't face IVF, we knew time was on our side for us to be a family.

5 years down the line and we have a gorgeous DS who is 3 through adoption. It was right for us.I suppose what I am trying to say is the sooner you start trying the better from my experience.

I am in no way suggesting that there will be any problems by the way!

Apologies for the bold not working there btw!