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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men - a meal ticket for life?

429 replies

marantha · 14/01/2010 10:05

Reading the amount of abuse the poster Washwithcare has received here over the past few days for suggesting that her husband does not offer more money to his ex-partner (not NOT married, no contract signed) and her (not biologically HIS) children it strikes me that feminism doesn't really exist- or only exists when it suits women.
Women are still baby machines that try to get as much money off a man as they can, when the chips are down.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
marantha · 14/01/2010 16:15

No I am NOT paying any of you maintenance!

OP posts:
nighbynight · 14/01/2010 16:44

How many people on this thread have actually been faced with the possibility of having to pay to their ex after a divorce?

A UK court might easily have ruled that I had to pay my ex, to keep him in the style to which he had become accustomed while he was married to me.

He is a control freak, who exploited me financially throughout our marriage, and refused to go out to work, or earn any money himself.

I strongly resent the idea of having to carry on subsidising his laziness after divorce. As it is, I have the children and a full time job, and he still contributes nothing.

Money should be for the children only, not for the ex spouse.
I understand Peachy's point, but would say that the money for a SN child after a divorce should have to be higher perhaps?

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 17:08

nighbynight I guess the spousal contribution is there to cover situations where one partner has sacrificed their career to enable the other one to have a great career.

Thinking about these banker types whose wives pack everything in to raise the children and be able to support the OH fully in their career, thus knackering theirs. I think in those cases it is reasonable for the partner who continued working to support the other, in situations where they have been married for donkeys years.

nighbynight · 14/01/2010 17:11

Well, tough, they shouldnt have "sacrificed" their whole careers. They have a responsibility to behave like adults, not kids who've just landed a meal ticket.

Xenia would be proud of me

Blackduck · 14/01/2010 17:28

blimey marantha you really have it in for people who live together but aren't married don't you? Why???

MaggieMnaSneachta · 14/01/2010 18:17

yeah i wouldn't recommend it either because when i left after 8 years of childrearing, cooking and cleaning i had no rights to jackshit, so now i live with my parents and i haven't a pot to piss in. I wouldnt advise anybody to have children not married either. I never wanted to sacrifice my career, but as i earned less it was always argued that it made sense for me to give up work etc..... it's hard to fight it when you have small children.

So at least get married so that if you split up, you're not totally bloody screwed.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 18:29

nighbynight that is the unwritten deal in a lot of relationships.

if it were otherwise then a lot of people would thnk hard before having children, surely. I am not unusual in having put my career on the back seat to bear my children, the "deal" is that DH looks after us while I am not earning. Most women (xenia aside) will have their careers at least dented by childbearing.

I for one would not want to return to work within the minimum legal timeframe and work the hours I did before - I would never see the children. Then there's BF of course, that would have to go out the window. Yes it works for some people but a lot of people do like to have the first months/early years. Childcare is also very expensive so it is sometimes not practical for both partners to work.

In the event that DH and I split I think that these sort of things should be taken into consideration, and i believe that they are in the divorce courts.

You realy think this approach is childish? I have been thinking a lot recently about my career and how it's fucked and whether i have done the right thing in all of this, it is a help to hear that in others eyes yes I have done exactly the wrong thing, and am in fact childish for doing so.

MaggieMnaSneachta · 14/01/2010 18:35

yes imsonotelling, and a decent fair man who loves his wife and doesn't view her as unpaid help around the house will appreciate and value that role.

Any man who places NO value on that role whatsoever sounds like a bit of a knobber to me. either a pompous knobber or a tightfisted knobber.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 18:42

Thing is that even in situations where it is the other way around and the man is SAHP, the maternity leave is still taken by the woman and all that flows from that in terms of loss of earnings.

I know xenia did go back in a matter of days but I think that is a very high bar to set.

And anyway in the event it;s the other way around then presumably the man is being childish.

Why is it childish to make sacrifices to raise children?

I have taken the full maternity leave both times, I am ashamed to say.

scottishmummy · 14/01/2010 18:47

badly composed,provocative posts deserve the derision they get.and responding to such posts with faux indignation and argumentative comments is equally bonkers

but hey you know that already and enjoy the argy bargy

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 18:51

Oh marantha isn't so bad. At lease it's obvious that teh aim is to get everyone worked up.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 19:00

I'm just mulling over this idea about not getting anything.

you would end up with a lot of destitute old women if you did that, as pension rights etc would presumably be lost as well.

My mum is a doctor and took 8 years out to raise my brother and I, then she returned part time which was usual in those days. Those 8 years meant that she stepped off the ladder, she tried to revise for exams but found it too hard with us on at her. As a result her pension from work and her personal wealth is small.

My dad worked and earnt well and has a fantastic pension, however he left a few years ago for someone else (he came back in the end though).

At the time my mum was about 55 and they had been married for 30 years. I honestly don't think it would have been fair for her to lose her house, share of his pension (ie all her future security), and to have to carry on working til god knows when, while he swanned off with his ££££ and new bird.

Or would it? Based on her childish decisions earlier on. i don;t know this thread was quite fun but it's turned rather gloomy now.

caramelwaffle · 14/01/2010 19:02

youknownothingofthecrunch - You. Licked. It. Off? Then gave it to me? Bleeeeurrghh get thee' to the skanky thread

Morloth · 14/01/2010 19:03

Argy bargy is the point of AIBU isn't it?

nighbynight I take it from your comments that you don't think people who want to be able to devote a lot of time to their careers should have children?

If I suddenly disappeared, something would have to give in DH's life. He would either need to be a crap father or a crap employee (because of the number of hours/travel required to maintain his job). My presence makes his choice to be both a father and a high flyer possible.

I actually do expect some acknowledgement of that fact from him, both now and if we ever split.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 19:06

She seems to be saying that no-one owes anyone a living, and it's each man for himself (as it were).

Which leaves women screwed really, options are childless or penniless. Or xenia

MillyR · 14/01/2010 19:10

Lots of people are very poor in old age.

Someone who works all their life in a low paid job may end up with no pension and not be married to a rich man, or any man at all.

So is there a reason why society should interfere and make a man pay out pension money to a former SAHM.

Who decides that she is entitled to more money in old age than someone else who wasn't married to a wealthy man?

Should we pay decent pensions to all childcare workers?

I really don't know what the solution is.

scottishmummy · 14/01/2010 19:12

no the point of aibu isnt argy bargy it is the sentiment AIBU?certainly that can provoke argy bargy ,but that shouldn't be the sole determinant in composing the post

and to an extent the composition and facts need to be accurate.ideally not a stage managed drip feed account

some of the best AIBU are the genuine inane bonkers posters ho dont know they are BU

eg mil wants to travel and see her only grandchild. i said only if she arrives in a hermetically sealed box,with full personal protective suit on.i dont want her breathing the same air as my pfb.AIBU

Morloth · 14/01/2010 19:14

So it would seem ImSoNotTelling. Same for men though, it would seem their choices are great careers or children.

DH can find out on Sunday that he will be in New York for 3 days from Monday and is usually out of the house from 8:00am until 9:00pm and we have changed countries (and therefore schools/daycare) since having DS. How on earth would a single parent (with no family support - they are all overseas remember) manage that?

I shall tell DH when he gets home that he is clearly having his cake and eating it too. Lucky bastard.

Morloth · 14/01/2010 19:16

scottishmummy I have to say one of my favourite AIBUs was that one where the MIL used the wrong font in a letter to her GC. I mean really? The wrong font?! You need to ask if you are being unreasonable by being upset about that?

scottishmummy · 14/01/2010 19:23

haha yep mil threads usually vindicate the poor mil and reveal the dil to be an unreasonable histrionic raver

wrong font.lol.bet mil licked envelope wrong too

Peachy · 14/01/2010 19:30

FILleft MIL after 35 years together (40 years inc.time before amrriage)

She abrely got apenny, he amnaged toworkeverything perfectly,having taken time whilst living it up with his new GF before even telling her he was off.

Somehow she only kept a tiny proportion of the pension,and a house that was intended for her in a will anyway...... he kept pretty much everything else.MIL worked and had her own business much of the marriage, but not always and she ahd just retired when he went.

'luckily' BIL has satyed tolok after her (in lieu of having any life of his own) but it shouldn't be like that

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 19:39

So it is fair that men walk out on women when they have been married to them for say 50 years, and take all their money with them?

Really?

That does not feel right to me.

It seems that at the moment I am in the minority with that though.

Peachy · 14/01/2010 19:46

it'snot fair Imsonot.

I actually can't stand MILand rather like FILnd his GF but even I an see he ripped her of and treated her appallingly. I suspect there may bemroeto come in terms of willsand BILas well but cant do anything about that unless he tells me for certain (in which case we will give half of anything we get,although GF isn't much older than DH anyway and it will go to her first)

shatteredmumsrus · 14/01/2010 19:56

what if the mother gave up her career to raise the children or gave up the chance of a career to raise them?

scottishmummy · 14/01/2010 20:05

mayebe a saluorty lesson hy not to give up everything in a relationship,if possible keep working.maintain career, earn oen money.and if relationship goes tits up you have work experience,ability to earn money