Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Mumsnet's next book should be the guide to being a good MIL?

45 replies

carrieboo75 · 13/01/2010 22:52

With 3ds's I am terified of becoming the mil as there does not seem to be many good ones around! I am so worried that at some point I will lose all sense of decency and compassion and wake up one day not being able to see past the end of my nose. One of my Mum's friends has 3ds's and is turning out to be a fab mil, and I've joked to my Mum I will have to ask her to write the great guide to being a MIL .

I would love to be a hands on grandma and get on well with any future DIL's.

So how about it, what makes makes a GOOD mil, and what can those of us with sons do to minises the amount we piss off our furture dil's?

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 13/01/2010 22:59

Good MIL = my own MIL!

I would say to be a good MIL:

Don't breed mummy's boys
Don't do too much for your sons as they get older ie don't all their washing for them into their teens, don't run around after their every whim,
Don't have in-jokes with your son in front of his girlfriend
Don't suggest that you are present at the birth of your grandchildren
Don't turn up all the time at their house uninvited
Accept that they have their own family and want you involved but on their terms, not yours
Get on with DIL's own parents
Don't force your own parenting views on your son and DIL

Pretty basic stuff I would think! I am lucky, my MIL is lovely and so she doesn't do any of the above!
I have 3 sons and don't plan to piss off any future DILs as long as they are good enough for my sons

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 13/01/2010 23:00

wouldnt take many pages, shoot her!!

RebeccaRabbit · 14/01/2010 01:15

"Accept that they have their own family and want you involved but on their terms, not yours"

What a spiteful thing to say. My advice to MILs would be to encourage your sons not to marry insecure women who feel threatened if their boyfriend has a close relationship with his mum.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/01/2010 01:23

Can't say that that statement strikes me as spiteful in the least, RR.

RebeccaRabbit · 14/01/2010 01:54

Just because a DS has a wife and child/ren doesn't mean his parents aren't still his family. A family doesn't just consist of the parents and DC. And why should grandparents' involvement be on the terms of the younger parents?

seeker · 14/01/2010 04:55

I think a guide to being a good DIL would be more useful......

CarmenSanDiego · 14/01/2010 05:42

Wouldn't necessarily agree with all of dubb's points but think they're very interesting.

Spiteful? I'm so tired of people accusing others of being mean, spiteful, abusive etc. because they express a different viewpoint.

seeker · 14/01/2010 05:57

I don't think that dubb's points are spiteful - but I do think that they can be summed up as "the minute your son acquires a partner, you are superfluous to requirements until such time as you are honoured with an invitation to baby-sit, which you will do after leaving your brains and life experience in the jar by the door, following strictly the list of instructions provided by your DIL"

mrmellors · 14/01/2010 09:48

Unfortunately seeker this is exactly how my sil treats my lovely mum - except that it's not babysitting it's childcare 2 days a week . Don't get me wrong my own MIL winds me up no end, but she IS family and I just have to do a lot of "counting to ten"!

Morloth · 14/01/2010 09:51

Gawd no, the attitude towards MILs on Mumsnet is horrible.

It seems to me that today's mothers who are fighting to maintain only their little family and don't want anyone else involved in how things are done (unless of course MIL is needed for something) are tomorrow's nightmare MILs because they will still want their family to be the main focus and will resent it when a DIL comes along with her own ideas.

Scotia · 14/01/2010 09:57

Agree with seeker and morloth. I am a MIL, but I have a DSIL so I'm all right

BetsyBoop · 14/01/2010 10:04

I think it should be 50/50 how to be a good MIL/DIL

Yes there are difficult MILs, but the attitude of some DILs on here is appalling, I hope when they become MILs in the future they get a DIL just like themselves

(I have a fab MIL BTW)

CheeryCherry · 14/01/2010 10:07

I agree with display...especially adding 'don't continually criticise your DIL and Ds over their parenting and lifestyle' as it drives us insane, gets our backs up and results in major defence systems being set up...grrrr.

totalmisfit · 14/01/2010 10:22

RR are you a MIL by any chance? Why does the debate have to be so polarised? Yes, MILs do have to accept that their son's own family is going to take priority, that is why men grow up at all!

At the same time, if MIL isn't insecure herself, and prepared to loosen the apron strings, treat her DIL as an equal and respect her basic human rights, there's no reason she can't be a huge part of that developing branch of the family. It's called give and take.

hbfac · 14/01/2010 10:29

I'm of the Seeker/Morloth camp.

I really wonder about the attitude to mils on mn. I think it is going to be very, very interesting to see what happens as mn gets older and some of the women who posted as dil start posting as mil.

I think it's a shame that there aren't more older women on mn in general. I guess, it's because it hasn't been around that long, and women tend to find it as younger mothers (and then stay) and as a resource when they have a particular issue (and it's not geared towards older women so much - as yet).

I really wish there were more mils on here - I think we'd get a far more balanced view - and that would be really helpful.

I don't get the hostility either - you know most of us are going to be mil at some point. And whatever you say, a lot of the difficulties in the majority of the relationships (I grant, not "all", but I stick firmly with "most",) is structural and not because mil is a witch.

StrictlyKatty · 14/01/2010 10:37

My MIL doesn't need a guide. She is wonderful. I would truly say she is my friend. We have a lot of similar interests (not just her son!) and she doesn't try and interfer, but she will help whenever I ask.

I hope one day that my DS's wife likes me as much

SerenityNowAKABleh · 14/01/2010 10:37

I agree it should be split between DILs and MILs. Didn't someone do a thread of advice for MILs, drawn from other threads, particularly in AIBU? It was rather enlightening, and scary.

In-law relationships are VERY difficult, because you're going into a family, and families always have their own little worlds, with their own dynamics, unspoken rules etc. In mine, we have had problems with the SILS, who LOVE causing trouble and fights and drama, whereas generally our family is all a bit "yeah, whatever", laidback and not really into that kind of thing. Also, I think there is (most of the time) a power struggle going on between women in a family.

caen · 14/01/2010 10:43

I'd be interested to see what the advice for DIL is so I can see what I'm doing wrong.

notagrannyyet · 14/01/2010 11:29

I'll be one of the first to buy the book! With 5 DSs (&1 DD) I'm going to need all the advice I can get.

I already have 1 DDIL (wife of DS1) she's lovely and we get on well with her and her family, but I'm notagrannyyet.

I think dubbs list is a good starting point.
I don't live my life through my adult children, but I will always be there for them and their families if I'm needed.

I never visit DS1 & DDIL without phoning first because it's something my own PIL did (often!). I've also never (& never would) suggested they think about starting a family.

Also it's not just a MIL & DIL thing is it. It's how my, possibly five DILs get on as well.

chocolaterabbit · 14/01/2010 11:45

The 'good granny guide' is pretty good by Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall my db bought it for my mum she first became a grandma. I would say:

keep in contact - email/ skype/ letters to the children etc as well as phone but please don't call every night.

be nice to your DIL and tell her how great the DCs are

Take opportunities to see the DCs but not if it is imposing too much of a burden - ie can't do regular babysitting.

I'm lucky though and have a lovely MIL...

RebeccaRabbit · 14/01/2010 12:53

"RR are you a MIL by any chance?" I should bloody well hope not - DD is only 5!

SweetEm · 14/01/2010 12:57

From reading MN, it seems that MILs can't do right for doing wrong. If they visit too much they are overbearing, if the don't visit enough they are accused of being cold and uninterested, etc. etc, etc. I haven't always seen eye-to-eye with my MIL, but at some point I think you have to accept that neither of you are going to change significantly and that you have to find a way to compromise and get on.

Yes, my MIL still irritates me sometimes, but I just try to remember that we both love my DH and the DCs (and she is very good at not outstaying her welcome ).

Lymond · 14/01/2010 13:03

Great idea carrieboo75. My DH's parents both died during his childhood, and I've lost count of the amount of times that it comes up in conversation that he's lost both his parents, only for the listener to turn to me and say "Lucky you - no mil!" He finds it quite upsetting, especially as he gets on great with my parents.

mitfordsisters · 14/01/2010 13:16

I think it's a vexed relationship and if you can manage a good one, both DIL and MIL deserve a pat on the back. It's natural that DILs should let off steam about MILs on Mumsnet - when you are raising children there is a lot of contact with your MIL (if you have one) - it is a significant relationship.

But the fact is... DILs don't choose their MILs and vice versa. There are often unspoken territorial battles over the son/dh, that must be worked through. And you're with a family that does not know you in the same way your birth family does.

notagrannyyet · 14/01/2010 13:38

RR you have a DD. It is different if you have boys. It shouldn't be but it is. When your DD gives birth you'll have 20+ years of understanding each other, faults and all. A DDIL may well be a total stranger who will most probably prefer to turn to her own mum for advice.

Swipe left for the next trending thread