To think Mumsnet's next book should be the guide to being a good MIL?

[carrieboo75]

With 3ds's I am terified of becoming the mil as there does not seem to be many good ones around! I am so worried that at some point I will lose all sense of decency and compassion and wake up one day not being able to see past the end of my nose. One of my Mum's friends has 3ds's and is turning out to be a fab mil, and I've joked to my Mum I will have to ask her to write the great guide to being a MIL .

I would love to be a hands on grandma and get on well with any future DIL's.

So how about it, what makes makes a GOOD mil, and what can those of us with sons do to minises the amount we piss off our furture dil's?

My DIL's can have my DS's no problem at all, I will have much better ways to spend their inheritance by then.

My MIL and I exchanged books one Christmas, bought completely independently of each other. Her's to me was basically "How not to be a lazy slattern" and the one I bought for her was "Don't be an interfering old baggage"*

We both thought this was hysterical and had more wine, would be quite happy to have the same relationship that I have with her with my future DILs. My son is watching this and is learning how adult children treat their parent's/their spouses' parents.

*I can't remember the actually names of the books so have summarised their content here.

notagrannyyet - I am very close to my MIL and I hope my DD learns from watching our relationship how to have a good relationship with her future MIL.

Seeker said it brilliantly. It's just a way of saying 'me and my little family come first' but of course the boot will be firmly on the other foot one day, when the grumpy DILs become MILs and have to watch their DILs raising the next generation without being allowed to comment.

Personally I think that both sides should just be realistic and aim for politeness and tolerance rather then love, joy and free childcare.

If you have a nice MIL you won't realise how awful some are. I moan about mine but she really is an evil old witch. But she always has been, she didn't turn in one after her son married me. Nice people don't usually turn into the MIL from hell.

If you have a nice DIL you won't realise how awful some are. I moan about mine but she really is an evil little witch. But she always has been, she didn't turn in one after she married my son. Nice people don't usually turn into the MIL from hell.

My point exactly!

I am the mother of a young only DD. An future son-in-law will learn to Fear Me.
I shall have have them write it in to their marriage vows Oh. Yes. I. Will

at popping back in to see what other lists had been put forward and finding that my own comments, despite me saying how lovely my MIL is, have been used as some sort of MIL bashing exercise!

RebeccaRabbit
My comment wasn't spiteful, merely acknowledging that sometimes parents and parents-in-law can try and put their own views of parenting across instead of letting the parents of the child themselves learn their own way through the minefield of parenting life! I don't think it's fair for anyone to interfere with other people's parenting styles.

"I don't think that dubb's points are spiteful - but I do think that they can be summed up as "the minute your son acquires a partner, you are superfluous to requirements until such time as you are honoured with an invitation to baby-sit, which you will do after leaving your brains and life experience in the jar by the door, following strictly the list of instructions provided by your DIL" "

seeker - I'm afraid 'the seeker synopsis' of my post is far off the mark.
I am in the camp that objects to people assuming that GPs exist to be used as babysitters and chidcarers and, again, if you have ever seen any of my posts on threads of that nature you would see that I am supportive of GPs being able to see their grandchildren as a form of pleasure rather than be expected to babysit and cover childcare needs. But in terms of following DIL's parenting style, I stand by my remarks in that I don't think anyone should think they have the right to impose their views on parenting to any other parent and that only the parent of the child should be the one who decides how they are brought up and cared for. It doesn't mean that advice and tips aren't welcome if sought, but it also doesn't mean that unwelcome and unwanted advice should be given or forced upon a parent by ILs or any other family member for that matter.

The OP was posing the question as a guide for the future for those of us who have sons and who might be fortunate enough one day to have happily married sons and so my list was based on the OP's ponderings about how we could be good MILs and avoid being the subject of an MN "I hate my mother in law thread"

My MIL seems to have got it right, from the first time I went there (I was 16) she started off a relationship in the style of ok we are in this together he has his annoying points I can warn you of them sort of thing. When we go there now I feel like she is an ally for me against the world! I didnt have anyone else really by the time I met her and especially after our first baby was born she just made sure I knew I was important to her because I was important to her son.

She IS blunt - if you do something silly she will tell you but she is not critical at the same time. Perhaps I am lucky that shee has 4 sons so I am her fourth daughter in law perhaps she has learned from experience!!

poor mil on mn.berated by bampot dil

some of the best mil posts are the genuine bonkers daughter in law who doesnt admit she is unreasonable

eg my mil wants to travel and see her only grandchild. i said only if she arrives in a hermetically sealed box,with full personal protective suit on.i dont want her breathing the same air as my pfb.AIBU

I think it's quite easy to sum up what both DILs and MILs should aim for - treat each other with courtesy and respect. If we have nothing else in common we do have love for our DHs and children. Just as we don't choose our MILs, they don't choose their DILs; neither side is perfect and sometimes it might be a good idea if some posters remembered that their MILs generally have a lot more life experience than them and sometimes their advice is actually worth having

I heart my MIL, she is wonderful

I think its important to be aware of the need for both sides to work at the relationship.I have been very lucky as I have a wonderful relationship with my step d-i-ls and I think that is because my bond with dss's is different from a natural mother's especially as they were in their teens when we became one family.My own d-i-l is Turkish and she seems very grateful because I dont fit the stereotype of a Turkish m-i-l.I am of course also m-i-l to myy dd's dh and we seem to have an excellent relationship but I do know what I feel I do wrong.I think I phone too often most days and I know I buy too much stuff for dgs's.I do one full day and two half days childcare each week and will babysit whenever I am asked though I am not keen on overnights and havent done one since dgs2 was born[10months].I care,I want to be a good m-i-l to all of them but I know they have their own lives.It is so exciting to see the dc grow,marry and have children of their own.It is natural to want to be part of that and hard not to be intrusive.
I had a good relationship with my m-i-lx2 but wish I had been more thoughtful of my own lovely mum.
It will come to you all one day whether you have dd or ds.

Thank you for your comments everyone. Sorry it has taken me so long to join in, so my dramas to deaq with so little time!

A lot of it seems like common sense, so why is it that it so often does not seem to work.

The comments suggest that a person is either nice or not nice but that doesn't change with the arrival of grand children. My worry is that my mil did change. When I met dh she was lovely and one of the things that atracted me to his family we all got on really well spent lots of time together etc. when ds1 arrived she appeared to be jelous of the attention shifting from her by the time ds3 arrived she had lost all interest in dc.

I guess that doesn't happen very often though, so if I stick to being laid back I might be ok!

I have a lovely MIL. I hope as my 2 DSs meet their future wives I can be a good MIL too. At the end of the day it's in my interest to be nice if I want to keep up a good relationship with my DSs and future grandchildren. I'm well aware that the women control this most of the time.

Perhaps it makes a difference when you meet your MIL? I was 17 and DH and I have been together ever since. My MIL is the only one I really moan about DH to, because ironically I know she won't hold it against him as she loves him in his own right. If I said the same things to my mum, I would be talking about the man who had upset her daughter, and I'd worry about her holding a grudge long after I'd forgotten about it!

I do think my MIL has got the right balance. Offer to be there if needed, but don't push yourself in uninvited.

Do you think being a mother of sons makes you a better DIL? I think I'm more sympathetic to my MIL now that I know I will only ever be a MIL to girls rather than a mother. {still haven't come to terms with not having a girl emoticon!}

I like my MIL too
"My MIL seems to have got it right, from the first time I went there (I was 18) she started off a relationship in the style of ok we are in this together he has his annoying points I can warn you of them sort of thing. ....she just made sure I knew I was important to her because I was important to her son.

She IS blunt - if you do something silly she will tell you but she is not critical at the same time."

sounds like my mil too
she can be a little organising but if these are her only faults I aint complaining. With 4 kids, 3 boys I'm hoping I get on with my dils as well asI get on with my mil

She is also incredibly generous in everyway I actually enjoy phoning her up for a good chat
I also have a great FIL

Communication and respect is a key in maintaining a relationships with anybody, and more so especially with families, extended or not.

My MIL is fab, she can be a pain at times, as can everybody, but she respects OUR parenting choices and if she doesn't agree she will say in a nice way from a different view point, sometimes she wrongs sometimes she right.

she also doesn't tread me like a DIL, she treats me as if I am one of her own.

Lovely MIL I have, always their when needed, for ALL of us, as we are too her.

I agree that many posts appear on MN where the DIL expects lots of concessions, understanding, help and accpetance from the MIL and is outraged if all demands are not completly agreed to, but DIL is not prepared to understand, help, accept and concede to MIL in any way.

Usually because 'I have a baby you know.'

I agree with whoever said there need to be some guidance on being a DIL and a MIL with give and take on both sides.

obviously this would only be helpful for those cases where both parties are essenially pleasant reasonable people who have lost thier way in their relationship, and not for those genuinely nutty/wicked DILs/MILs.

As one of the ancient Mumsnetters - but also not a granny - I've always assumed that I will continue to give my grown-up sons the space that we mutually thrive upon. So no, it isn't my business to make personal comments about their lifestyle choices any more than I expect them to tell me I'm too old to lark around blowing things up or doing amdram. I can't see why there's ever a need for power battles, let alone the sort of dreadful interference that, from anyone other than a family member would come across as inappropriate if not downright unhinged.

I love ds2's girlfriend and the way they live their life is up to them. I've had my chance at influencing his every move but that concluded round about the time he started primary school.

I do think that the relationship between mothers and sons can be different to that between daughters but fundamentally, with adult children you have to look back at yourself at a similar age and ask "Would I have put up with my mother behaving like this?". If the answer is "not a fecking chance", why should your children and their partners think differently? Only being a parent does not confer some sort of immunity from behaving appropriately.

MY DS1 is 16 and I have to say I am going to sit on MN for the next 20 years and laugh my arse off at some ofthe DIL who have posted here as they become MIL's.

I suspect the territorial, demandin, selfish, DILs who do all but urinate on their DHs to stamp their rights as first family will turn into the selfish, demanding territorial,MILs.
How I will laugh.

There are lots of genuinely difficult relationships out there. I have at least one myself

But my DS1 now has a girlfrind and watching my son now walk the difficult line between being part of his orginal family and the most important person to someone else ( and her being the most important person to him) is difficult.

She is lovely but a little insecure and being told off ( however gently ) for being too friendly and then not friendly enough within one week does get a little tiring.
Given that she is a sweetheart and we all want to be friends I am sure we will make it great - infact it is already really nice - but God Forbid he comes home with someone who views being faintly interested in his original family as some kind of betrayal.

The whole notion of managing that with much loved Grandchildren makes me feel tired just thinking about it.

I'd love a guide on how to be a good MIL. My son is not even born yet, and I already adore him so much that I worry I'll annoy any future DILs. Of course I will try to raise him to be independent and to respect women, and if he's anything like his dad, he'll be a wonderful husband to someone one day... but I'm already worrying about smothering him with too much love!

(I have huge problems with my own MIL, but none of it is really her fault, as she suffers from mental ill health and has done so for most of her life)

Coco talks sense.

You don't become a bad MIL (or DIL, or SIL, or wife, or husband) just because you marry someone.

You were always an evil cah.

My MIL is well-documented on MN. I know other MILs who are the most wonderful women to walk this earth. Because they were nice people to start with.