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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH?

40 replies

cece · 13/01/2010 14:09

I think I need some perspective.

I am finding myself getting increasingly crosser/angrier with DH because of his lying in bed in the morning.

He works full time from home, so can get up 5 mins before he needs to start work. I am currently on Maternity leave with a 7 and half month old baby, a 6 yr old and 8 yr old.

I cannot remember the last time I have had a llie in - I am talking years here. I get up with the baby every morning. This can be anytime from 5.30 am, usually nearer to 6.30/7 am.

He on the other hand is lying in bed watching TV while I am running around feeding everyone, getting them dressed etc on school days. Often emerging about 8/8.15 ish to help get their coats on.

At the weekend he lies in both days. Although he says as he takes DC2 to rugby at 9.30 he doesn't lie in on a Sunday. He gets up at 9 am! I am up abd give DC2 his breakfast etc... I would love to lie in till 9 am!

Anyway this Sunday just gone he finally emerged from bed at midday... then asked me at the end of the day why I was being so quiet? and was everything OK?

Then today at 8 am I shouted up to him 'are you getting up?'. His reply was 'why?' - I could hear the TV on...

AM I being unreasonable or do I have justified grounds for asking for the odd lie in?

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 13/01/2010 14:12

If you have never said anything to him then maybe you are a little unreasonable.

But on the whole no yanbu

TubbyDuffs · 13/01/2010 14:12

Good God woman I can't believe you have let him get away with this for so long! Totally not being unreasonable.

fernie3 · 13/01/2010 14:14

YANBU especially about weekends.

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 13/01/2010 14:14

YANBU, but what lovebeingamummy says, no point in going quiet on him, you need to tell him that you expect some lie ins too.

Original poster
cece · 13/01/2010 14:16

I just feel so tired some days... I think perhaps I need a word calmly. I actually lost my temper this morning and started shouting at him!

When we had DC1 we used to share lies in over the weekend. One day each. Then DC2 arrived and somewhere along the line I seem to have lost out!

I think he thinks because I work part time/am on ML then I am not workign iyswim, therefore he is justified in getting them both at the weekend.

OP posts:
RollBaubleUnderTree · 13/01/2010 14:16

He sounds totally and utterly self-centred.

DuelingFanjo · 13/01/2010 14:19

YANBU but if he's asked what's wrong you should have told him.

Coldhands · 13/01/2010 14:23

YANBU. Ok maybe you should have said something, but he does have a brain. Does he honestly think it is ok for him to have both days at the weekend to lie in, and spend weekday mornings watching tv while you run around after the children. He is really taking the piss. I can't believe you let it go on for so long. One weekend would have been enough for me to say something.

And yes, he sounds very selfish indeed!! And you can also tell him that 9 o clock when you have children is counted as a lie in!!

Original poster
cece · 13/01/2010 14:23

I know I should have told him on Sunday but I truely was so angry that I would not have been able to do it in a reasonable way. I think I will try to find some time during this week.

Thnak you. I wanted to check first whether it was reasonable to ask for the odd lie in.

OP posts:
coppertop · 13/01/2010 14:26

I'm a SAHM. I get a lie-in on Saturdays. Dh has a lie-in on Sundays.

If there are two lie-ins available at weekends then you should get one each every week.

Cheappinkfizz · 13/01/2010 14:33

Agree with coppertop

if dp lays in bed all morning when he gets up i go out for a few hours or go and do my hobby. We've always done that even when ds was 6 weeks old. He getss a lie in and i get some time off

tkband3 · 13/01/2010 14:34

DH lies in on Saturdays and I get the girls up and dressed and take them to ballet, so he gets a lie-in and a bit of time on his own in the house. I get a lie-in on Sundays. In the holidays when DH is at work, he's quite happy for me to stay in bed while he gets the girls their breakfast and I come down when he leaves for work. Sometimes, I give up my Sunday lie-in in return for this, but as I'm always the one who gets up in the night and early morning for nightmares and toilet trips, sometimes I need the extra sleep! When we're both on holiday we alternate lie-ins.

So no you're most definitely not being unreasonable and one lie-in a week is the least you should be asking for.

Good luck .

SleighGirl · 13/01/2010 14:38

You have so let it all slip.

My duty was always the baby due to bf, dhs duty was getting the rest dressed and then breakfasted whilst I shower and get dressed.

People ask how I get them all out to school on time etc, errr because dh helps!

Perhaps you need to tell him that now that you have 3 dc he needs to help in the mornings and then take turns at the weekend for a lay in. You can get up with baby feed them and then handover and go back to bed.

lucyellensmumagain · 13/01/2010 14:47

BUCKET OF COLD WATER - sorted

GetDownYouWillFall · 13/01/2010 15:01

my DH works full-time but loves getting up with our DD on weekends as he sees it as his "special time" with her! So I get two lie-ins!

lorelilee · 13/01/2010 16:01

YADNBU - It never ceases to amaze me that some men don't realise that children are a 50/50 enterprise! 2 days at the weekend - one lie in each - easy!

GetDown - you lucky, lucky lady!

JamesandHisFlamingSword · 13/01/2010 16:14

YANBU. And he should be sharing the care every morning as well.

This is a ridiculous situation, and he is completely taking advantage of your previous good nature.

I am a SAHM, and me and DH always share the duties in the mornings, until he leaves for work at 8.15.

WinkyWinkola · 13/01/2010 16:21

He's taking the pss to the extreme. And you've let this happen? Oh my. Start delegating tasks now. He can't let you just run ragged like this every morning. Amazing. He sounds like a real* catch, your dh.

JamesandHisFlamingSword · 13/01/2010 16:23

Out of interest. Does he work really really hard when he's at home. Or is he watching the TV ?

Does he help in the evenings ?

lulabellarama · 13/01/2010 16:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Squitten · 13/01/2010 16:38

You should get a lie-in, esp on the weekend. A cold glass of water over his head would get things moving I'm sure!

I don't get any lie-ins but that's because DH does all the getting up with our DS during the night (bless him!) and he runs his own company so if can do it, your DH most certainly can!

Lulumama · 13/01/2010 16:41

he lies in bed whilst you get 3 DCs ready and out of the door?? and asks why he should get up?

perhaps he has forgotten they are his children too!!

need to get him out of this now, or when you go back to work , you will resent it even more

lucyellensmumagain · 13/01/2010 16:43

oh this makes me feel so guilty - my DP works all week, leaves the house by 6/30 every day, then has to get up with DD at the weekends because she only wants him - i get to lie in and sometimes he doesnt call me until about nine i know im very lucky and do take it for granted, it is very easy to let it become a routine. To be fair, he would probably have to get up anyway as DD wants her daddy at the weekends.

Its probably just a habit, have you actually mentioned it to him?

Original poster
cece · 13/01/2010 17:24

Thanks for the input.

To be fair. Since I had DC3 he has improved! He has been helping some mornings since I had him, before he never helped in the mornings. He has also been put in charge of putting the older two to bed everynight. This doesn't sound much but DC2 is a pain to get to settle. He also makes the older two their packed lunch for school every day as well.

He watches a lot of TV.

I think I have two issues with it.

a) I would like a lie in because I am tired, and get up with the baby everynight due to BF.

b) Even if I don't get the lie in, it then feels like a wasted day because we wait for him to get up and then he never wants to do anything. Just watch TV.

He does suffer from depression and also insomnia. But I have pointed out many times to him that he would get to sleep easier at night if he didn't sleep during daylight hours.

OP posts:
lucyellensmumagain · 13/01/2010 17:27

oh, its not so straightforward then - it does sound like he does help out which is great = maybe just have a chat about changing things around a bit. Maybe take it in turns to bedtimes etc. Although if your children are anything like my DD that might be difficult to change the routine.

I would definately encourage him up earlier at the weekends though, maybe by having pre arranged things to do?

He doesn't sound lazy or anything, but i certainly think things are a bit skew