To not invite anyone from dd's class to her party?

[mrsshackleton]

DD1 will be 5 in a couple of weeks. She's in reception. She wants a princess party - fine. Last year, I invited about 15 kids mainly from her nursery and a few old family friends to her party and hired an entertainer.

She's had a bit of a hard time making friends at school, largely because she wasn't in the nursery like most of them but also because she's a stubborn and shy child who's taken against a lot of the children for not particularly brilliant reasons eg "I don't like X because ahe eats messily"

Her only friend is a Somali girl and her mother's already told me she wont' attend the party because the family don't do that kind of thing . I am friendly with some of the mums and would happily invite their dds over but when I mention the names to dd she says she doesn't want x, y and z "because she wouldn't let me go first on the swing" or whatever

Given this, I'm tempted to forget about school and just invite a couple of dd's old friends from nursery and limit numbers to around five. OTOH, maybe a party would be a good way for dd1 to become more friendly with some of these girls she professes to dislike, because I suspect it's more about shyness and this is her way of putting a brave face on it.

I know this isn't a world shattering problem but any advice for wiser mnetters than me welcome

Gosh that must be pretty upsetting for you. I certainly know I would find it really hard if I felt my ds wasn't settling or making friends easily (he is a year behind your dd - due to go to school next year)

No words of wisdom as he and his younger brother are too little for this to have been an issue yet but hope someone will come along with some advice x

I fond friendships change daily at this age , dd1 will be 5 tom , she had her party at the weekend.
Due to costs i restricted her to ten school friends and even on the day she had changed her mind to whom she wanted to come.
I think she will be happy with either idea , but agree inviting a few classmates round will prob help with the firnedship thing.

Cor that's a tricky one.

I think either way you choose to go has benefits. You've clearly thought about it, you'll choose a direction for the right reasons; don't beat yourself up about it.

Have 'fun' at the party!

Have you asked her teacher if there is anyone in particular she plays with or seems to get on well with? Children can be very fickle at this stage and can fall in and out of friendships at the drop of a hat - or an imagined drop of a hat! Personally I would try and keep suggesting inviting some friends from school as it does help with forming friendships - if she is finding it difficult to fit in having the party and handing out invites etc might help make her the centre of attention for a few days and give them all something to talk about IYSWIM.

I really feel for you on this one. My DD was in a similar situation. It upset me soooo much when she would come home and say forlornly "Mummy I was nearly invited to a party.
Eventually after about 2 yrs of distress about party invitations, and who was/wasn't invited I thought enough is enough.

When school broke up I invited the whole class [30]to a big summer party in the garden.
Ever since, that is how I do parties. Once a year it has become a tradition to have a garden party when school finishes. Even some of the Muslim children have come, it is sooooo sad that they are not allowed to mix with their peers outside school.Why is that???

I agree with Leslaki - ask the teacher/TA who she gets on with

Also, sorry if this is a bit obvious, but does she play with any of the boys. Have you asked her about them ? - maybe they might not want to come to a princess party, but you never know.

It's a tricky one isn't it. I wanted ds to invite lots of schoolfriends but he only wants 4 (he is also nearly 5) and then lots of his old friends from preschool. I have let him choose and it's actually nice that he wants to stay friends with people he doesn't see so often. I'd go with what your dd wants, and let the school friendships grow naturally.

OMG, My last post was intended for another thread. Please ignore

Could not be more inapporpriate !

I agree-ask the teacher who she plays with and have a very small party so that she really interacts with those few and they all have a good time. It is far better than having the impersonal whole class-which is madness to me. One guest per age of the DC seems the best plan to me.

James, you deluded fool, what dost though over here! Get back to your own thread, sharpish!

I would ask the teacher for the names of around 6-7 children that she might like over (presuming that 1 or 2 might not be able to come). Hopefully these will all be girls otherwise it might have to be princesses and pirates or whatever. Anyway, get those children round for a party and it might open up friendships for your DD.

i am watching this thread - sounds a bit like my ds who will be 5 in august - opposite to my dd who has too many friends to invite. i would LOVE to have a big summer party for his 5th; I actually love organising the whole thing. However, i don't know if it will happen. he is minimally friendly with several people though has no firm friends/playdates. i might have to resort to inviting his friends from the early yaers who have moved far away and prob wouldn't come

There is no rule to say that you have to invite children from your dds class, if she is not keen on them whats the point. Like you have said just have a small party with the dcs that your dd does know from before, hopefully once she is a bit older she will make friends more easily. Dont worry, i dont think that it will impact on her ability to make friends in the future, children change and social skills advance. I never had many friends at primary just a couple of the 'odd' kids but now i make friends easily and have a group of close friends.

DD2 is also in Reception. Her best friend at school recently turned 5 and had a party without anyone from school. I think they had family and nursery friends. I don't think anyone batted an eyelid. DD2 certainly didn't notice.

Invite whoever you think will make it a fun party!

I wouldn't do a party at all, just have a family/friends day and save the stress for when she'd appreciate it more and not worry about it

IME the teacher would be v reluctant to name children as suitable invitees-I was able to get a class list but no advice on narrowing it down!

That's odd snice! I work in year 1 and it's somethig we get asked a lot!!! Benefits kids - no parent has ever complained and head must be ok with it. teachers and TAs see a diffrent side to most kids!!!

I think its because of the 'invite them all or none at all thing' if school are in any way involved eg in distributing invites or in this case assembling an invitee list

I wouldn't have thought the teacher would want to pick put children for you to invite. If your dc has not asked for anyone in particular then I would just do it so no school friends are invited, just outside people.

We always invide the whole class but that's because we hire a hall, do disco, games, prizes, or and entertainer and there's not much difference between 15 kids and 30 - plus they never all turn up.

I think it's awful that parents say their kids cannot socialise outside of school because of where they come from or their religion. Exceptional circumstances excluded of course, but why can't a Somali girl come to a birthday party or a child of a certain religion come to a childs summer garden party? Personally I think it does nothing but teaches the children to isolate themselves from their peers. Doesn't do much to teach children to be accepting of others beliefs and cultures now does it!!!

I once invited two muslim girls to my DDs party and apparently caused offence as they didn't celebrate birthdays-felt terrible as I had no idea

YANBU. If your daughter prefers the friends she's made outside of school, I don't see the huge deal. I wouldn't force her to invite kids she doesn't like to her party.

She's going to have to learn how to get along with her classmates or she'll be living in a walking nightmare for the next ten years. That's a separate issue from who gets invited to her birthday party, though.

'I wouldn't have thought the teacher would want to pick put children for you to invite'

Why ever not?! The teacher knows who she plays with and it is very easy to say so-it isn't a dark secret! It isn't excluding-there will be DCs in the class that she has nothing to do with.

I think you need to encourage her to try and make friends and be nicer about people or she is going to have a horrendous school life in front of her