To not invite anyone from dd's class to her party?

[mrsshackleton]

DD1 will be 5 in a couple of weeks. She's in reception. She wants a princess party - fine. Last year, I invited about 15 kids mainly from her nursery and a few old family friends to her party and hired an entertainer.

She's had a bit of a hard time making friends at school, largely because she wasn't in the nursery like most of them but also because she's a stubborn and shy child who's taken against a lot of the children for not particularly brilliant reasons eg "I don't like X because ahe eats messily"

Her only friend is a Somali girl and her mother's already told me she wont' attend the party because the family don't do that kind of thing . I am friendly with some of the mums and would happily invite their dds over but when I mention the names to dd she says she doesn't want x, y and z "because she wouldn't let me go first on the swing" or whatever

Given this, I'm tempted to forget about school and just invite a couple of dd's old friends from nursery and limit numbers to around five. OTOH, maybe a party would be a good way for dd1 to become more friendly with some of these girls she professes to dislike, because I suspect it's more about shyness and this is her way of putting a brave face on it.

I know this isn't a world shattering problem but any advice for wiser mnetters than me welcome

She is only 4 yrs old-I think she will improve her social skills given time!
I think that asking the teacher just for 3 or 4 names would be a good idea-just a few would be encouraging her-I would agree with that part of Kimi's post.

Thanks for all your lovely comments

I would love not to have a party at all but dd is obsessed with the idea and has been planning it ever since her last one.

I could invite a couple of boys but they'd be in a minority so I'm inclined to go the princess route. I'd be lying to say I don't worry about her a lot but given she has great friends from nursery and the Somali girl, I think she does have some social skills. It's just hard to find your feet in a class of 30 where you know no one.

My instinct is to invite about five "old" friends and five from the class whose names get mentioned more than most and see how it goes. She never plays with the children of the mums I get on best with, so I won't invite them, much as I'd like to, and hope they'll understand. Wish me luck

yes that sounds like a wise strategy; i have the same issue regarding the mums i get on with. ds plays with a Romanian boy and a Polish boy so i'll be inviting them - getting round snooty old dh is another matter though...

Good luck! Hope it goes well.

You could invite boys just make it a Knights and princess party

my ds was the same -knew noone whereas most of the class knew someone or had a sibling in the school. He was august born so was the last to have a party, but i did make HUGE efforts to get to know the other mums to help him with friends. You may find that a one-to one play date works better as they only have each other

The problem with one to one playdates is the only girl dd claims to like is the Somali girl who doesn't do playdates. She occasionally plays with one girl who seems to like her, despite everything, and is always coming to complain she doesn't like her [exasperated emoticon]. I feel a bit silly inviting over another girl whom dd claims not to like - gaah!

I'd invite that girl and see how it goes. You'll be able to see if they really don't get on.

I've had kids over in a social-engineering -type way. Sometimes it works, sometimes they clearly have nothing in common. It's worth a try.

But also, don't worry too much. It will most likely sort itself out

helpYOUiWILL - sometimes you can do all this and still no joy

after years of struggle have accepted that my DS doesn't especially like parties and has a small group of close friends that he's happy to rub along with. he's not bothered about being mega popular - i wanted him to be i suppose - but he just doesn't seem to mind, and as long as he's happy and not upsetting people then so am I. DD another kettle of fish - likes lots of friends etc.

therefore given my experience i would recommend you listen to your DD and not force anyone on her. birthday parties are enough of a stress anyway.

i tried social engineering for a few years too, concerned he needed a wider circle, playdates etc. didn't work for me - he likes who he likes and that's it. knows his own mind! stopped fretting now and we are both much happier.

AlpenCrazy - i might end up going this way; at least he has dd's friends visiting on her playdates (even they are much older and not v interested in him)

much easier to be led by them - if they aren't stressing about it then why should you? we have enough to worry about eh

I've had a brainwave

I'm going to invite all the girls from her class, there are only about eight and some are sure not to show. That way she can't moan if some girls she "doesn't like" are invited and I won't feel bad about leaving people out. Have run this past dd and it's met with her approval so fingers crossed

sounds a good idea.

Been reading this with interest as my ES is in reception and the last 2 yrs he's had big parties. But this time I have asked 10 friends to come for tea and games. I invited a couple we knew prior to school and some from his class whose names are frequently mentioned. I look for a thread on what games to play.....

I didn't know muslims didn't do birthdays... That explains why one of his mates is never at the parties we've been to.... But he's coming to ours.... Is that cos' it's not a big soft play thingy and more of a little tea party?

"I didn't know muslims didn't do birthdays." whaaaaaaaat??? dcs have loads of muslim friends and they would laugh aloud at that comment (even the three year olds). are you for real??

Yep - I am deffo for real. Dead thick but real.

mrsshaklton - i've just done the same, invited all the girls from dd's reception class. she doesn't seem to play with anyone exclusively so thought this would be the best option. hope it goes well

I didn't know about Muslims and birthdays either until now, one of my bfs at school was Muslim and she always came to my birthday parties, I remember my Mum having to cater something other than ham sandwiches. So am also thick!

having discussed this with my lebanese neighbour, I can state categorically that Muslims have NO issues with celebrating birthdays whatsoever. if there is an issue with catering then that is a completely separate matter

My muslim niece and nephews definitley do birthday parties. But I have heard of this kind of thing before - never experienced in my ginormous muslim famiy spanning 3 continents though.

This whole saga makes me feel faint - it is horribly similar to my situation with dd (4.6, reception). Parties are a nightmare. She has a couple fo particular friends at school but does seem to ahve taken random and inexplicable dislike to various other girls (inlcuding those whoe mummies I get on with of course ).

Dd is also eager to have a party even though she rarely enjoys them. Can hardly bear to think about it..... (very helpful post I'm sure...).

Acinonyx

It actually really helps to hear there is a dd out there behaving exactly like mine. Perhaps we should invite them to each others' parties and they can take agin' everyone whose mummies we like

Or you could make like me and rarely have parties ...

(mean ol 'mummy)

I do think that it would be a good idea for her to have a few people from her class, because it will help her make friends. I would suggest she comes up with a few names. If she objects, gently point out that they may not invite her to their parties if she doesn't invite them... If she really digs her heels in, there probably isn't much you can do but I find that the reciprocal invitation argument normally works quite well!

They are fickle at this age though. DS1 (4.6) refused to send Christmas card to a boy (who he actually plays with a lot), because 'he asked me to play a game I didn't want to play today'. We did send the child a card in the end by the way!

I just wanted to post again on here about the whole muslim/birthdays thing. I think paople were interpreting what I said as "Muslims don't celebrate birthdays". The point I was making was that this particular family had a problem with it as do some other sectors of the muslim community see reference here