To wish that people were not so obsessed with how often my baby feeds and sleeps?

[jaggythistle]

I am getting just a tiny bit fed up with people my MIL asking whether my 3 and a bit month old son is a 'good' baby, how many times does he wake up at night, how often do i feed him etc etc.

As I hinted, my MIL is the worst for this and has been questioning us (especially about bf him) from the start.

"How do you know how much milk he is getting?" I restrained myself from saying anything grumpy about how you don't need to know, he just F&*%ing takes what he needs!

What is a good baby?? A very popular question, along with " is he sleeping for you?"

She actually asked " Do you feed him at night?" I wasn't aware I could just decide not to bother...

I know a lot of it is just people not knowing what to say and wittering, but others seem to think he'd sleep longer if only I gave him a bottle/let him cry a bit/picked him up less often etc.

Am I being unreasonable to get a wee bit grumpy - he is happy and so am I, will that not do?

I am in no way forcing any routine on him, this seems to confuse people. He is gradually getting his own wee patterns. which is ok for me.

Forgot to add, he is generally only up a couple of times a night and seems a happy wee thing,only really crying when hungry or tired.

Just waiting for teething grumpiness now

lie.... gets her off your back!

It is hard with your first. People are just interested usually, but there isn;t much else you can ask about a 3mth old really, other than does he poo a lot .

You will just have to get used to it I'm afraid. Fib, if it helps, and tell them he slept all night, then come on here and talk about the fact that he didn't. Or smile politely and change the subject 'yes, he seems very happy to bf - do you know he really smiled a few mins ago and seems to love that hat/toy/thingy you gave him. Would you like a cup of coffee'

YANBU, but unfortunately it's just the way it is. The first (and often only) topic people will talk to you about is your kids.

People constantly ask me about mine - do you not think DD1 should go to playgroup now? Don't you think it's time to give up breastfeeding DD2? Have you tried doing x,y, and z to get DD2 to sleep through? Does DD1 not need a hat in this weather and so on and so on....

I just try and let it all go over my head to be honest. If the questions are well meant then I just try and be polite, and if they are rude then I tell them to mind their own business.

They sound very normal questions to me. She is showing an interest in her grandson....she can hardly ask "is he reading yet?" I think you are being a bit mean to be irritated by these questions. At least she is interested and cares.

YABU - she is showing an interest in both her grandson and the fact that he is BF - she sounds genuinely inquisitive in a pleasant way.

My guess is she didn't BF is somewhat fascinated that you do and wants to learn about it.

When people ask if the cub is a good baby I tell them 'if you can side step his reactionary right wing politics he's lovely.' This makes them not ask any more stupid questions.

YANBUTiggaxx

When people ask if baby is a "good" baby, simply smile and answer "yes".

I have no idea what the question means either

I find the "is s/he a good baby?" really irritating. WTF is a bad baby?? I must admit though to being totally obsessed with sleeping/eating patterns when my DD1 was a baby-mainly because she did neither!
This time around, I just fix people with a steely glare and say "What would a baby have to do to be bad?" They generally look confused. Alternatively someone else I know used to reply blithely "Oh yes, he sleeps through the night, he just wakes up a couple of times for a feed" when/if pressed further, she stated "Well I wake up in the night for a wee, but I don't say that I don't sleep through the night". Usually shuts them up. YANBU its a veiled criticism.

cor blimey well I didn't realise that making small talk about someone else's baby was so irritating I certainly didn't take 'are they a good baby' as veiled criticism. Blimey. Life must be full of imagined slights if that's how you view this most inoffensive of comments!

YANBU. This gets my goat as well. Someone on MN suggested I answer any "how is DS feeding/sleeping?" questions with "like a baby". Which I do and it annoys the inlaws no end.
I also get extremely annoyed when they call him naughty for "keeping us up" - telling them that he's not naughty, he's a baby.
But I agree with nancy - MIL is probably interested. Maybe she wishes she BF and had known all we do now (my MIL almost apologised for not BF as sticking to a four schedule hadn't worked).
Although I did have an internal chuckle when MIL was talking about routines and making suggestions and her husband butted in to point out that none of it actually worked

I'm with you on that one cirrohsis.

Smile and nod is my credo.

Asking if baby is good is just something to say, it's like saying "how are you", it's not that the asker has thought about it at length and is asking it in a pointed manner. Normally they probably aren't even that interested in teh response! Just smalltalk.

You're right she's not being mean, only a bit repetetive - she just won't listen so goes on about the same stuff.

She asked me while we were eating lunch if I had tried him with any food, she is well aware that we have no intention of weaning early, she just thinks waiting till anywhere near 6 months is strange and wrong.

He is nowhere near sitting up unaided and happily pushed Calpol out of his mouth resulting in a lovely strawberry chin!

I do mostly ignore it, hence my grumbling on here [Grin]

My MIL does this too jaggy. (My DD just turned 6 months).

I met her "has she had any food yet" questions with smile and light cheerful "no no we're waiting for 6 months like the guidelines say" smile and nod and smile.

The best thing to do is to refuse to be drawn into a debate. Just "no that's not what we're doing thanks all the same" smile and grit teeth and smile

Before I had DS I did a breastfeeding workshop as part of NCT classes and at the beginning the breastfeeding counsellor asked us to split off into men and women, and each group wrote down a list of their concerns/worries/questions about breastfeeding. Nearly everyone said "How do you know how much the baby is getting?" and I was a bit perplexed and sceptical - I thought like you, why would you need to know? But now I have a bit more experience with babies, and I see mothers of bottlefed babies comparing constantly how many ozs their babies are taking, because you have to make the bottle up and be able to know roughly how much they want, so it becomes ingrained to think about how much they want, how often etc, and any change is very noticeable and can be worrying. So of course it's logical that with breastfeeding you don't need to know how much they have, but it's just that it's so ingrained that people tend to worry about it.

And with the sleeping I used to think it was a comment on "You are not doing this well enough!" but actually, I think it's usually concern for you - anyone who has had a small baby knows how exhausting it is in the first few weeks when they don't sleep and so for a lot of people sleeping through is really important, especially if the baby is formula fed, sleeps in a separate cot or separate room, and is difficult to resettle - or any combination of these, it must be much more draining than having a breastfed, co-sleeping baby who goes to sleep feeding. I chose to deal with it in the co-sleeping way, but if you had any of the factors in the first scenario, then it would make more sense to do sleep training etc to make your life easier. They are trying to help, honest - so if you don't want their advice it's better to lie or do what fanjolina's friend did and say "oh yes he sleeps through, wakes for a feed a couple of times."

I did say that I am aware that most of it is just making conversation, but I suppose my underlying objection is to the idea that I should be doing something to make him 'good'. "It'll be better once you get him into a routine" is another favourite.

I'm not cursing everyone for taking an interest, honest!

Sorry I took ages to type that so xposted with loads of people.

I think the "It's better when you get them into a routine" thing is also meant in a sympathetic way - they don't mean "Arr you lazy slattern, not having a routine!" they mean "Oh, poor you, I hated it when my baby was tiny and unpredictable. I found it so much easier to cope once he was settled in some kind of pattern and I knew what to expect. That will be soon, don't worry!"

i like your firend's response, fanjolina.

it just hits the nail on the head!
i wonder if it's because the baby is waking someone else that they perceive it as a problem?
like, i wake up several times because i'm uncomfortable or need a wee or a drink, but it's not a problem. but if i woke OH up everytime i needed a wee or a drink and asked him to get me one (or change my nappy..... ) then i can see it being an issue.
although..... he usually is happy to run errands for me, so maybe i should start doing that (not nappy, but drink). he'd love that, what with having to get up at 5 and everything!

anyway, point being: i am capable of sorting myself out in the night when i need something. the baby can't. parent responsibility is to sort it out for them.
yes?

I accidentally on purpose take the question literally and say "yeah, she's a great baby". I honestly think that 7 or 8 times out of 10 it's what well meaning people say because they want to take an interest. They don't really think that some babies are bad. They mean: How are you doing? How is the baby doing? Are you all more or less happy and surviving the harder bits of new parenthood like lack of sleep?

My parents still talk to me about bloody routine. Luckily for me, DS has got his own little routine that he made all for himself, so it looks like I'm doing something right in their eyes, when in fact, it's just a bit of a fluke.

YANBU, but if someone asks me "is he is good", I just mentally change it to "is he happy?" which is what I think most people mean by it.

Lol at Dawntigga and Igglybuff. I think you either go for "he eats as much as he wants whenever he wants and will sleep through when he is ready. He is happy and so are we so please don't worry yourself about it" Also I'm pretty sure that the evidence shows bottlefed babies don't sleep any longer at night than breastfed its just a common misconception.

Alternative response "good baby pah - he's a wee shit do you want him cos I'm not that keen really."

my m-i-l still does it and ds is nearly 3...i think its an in built mother thing. we will probably do it ourselves when our kids have kids.
people ask these questions, sit there and listen to the answers but dont really take it in i think...so it therefore doesnt really matter how you respond.
m-i-l is indeed just taking an interest but it does get a bit irritating after a while, i must agree. best to let it all wash over you, particularly if you feel you and baby are doing quite well thank you very much !
my m-i-l still has to tell me blindingly obvious things...'i hope you're wrapping him up warm in this weather' occasionally i cant help myself and have to come out with a sarky remark..'oh he's ok, he's just out building a snowman now in his vest and pants. i'm sure he's warm enough'...

Casmama - my H did indeed respond to the good baby question with "No, he's a wee shite"

I remember about being obsessed with the feeding and sleep patterns of my own DD (now 2). I used to note down her sleeping and eating patterns in a little notebook and would count how much she'd had each day, how many times she'd woken etc etc. Drove myself bloody well barmy.

i used to find it really funny when people asked "are you feeding him"? I know they meant BF over FF but I was always tempted to make a sarcastic reply about making him forage in the bins for food! Seriously, I used to change the subject PDQ by asking about them (most people are always happy to talk about themselves)and it was less boring that explaining again why I was mix feeding and yes, he sleeps etc..