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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this weird or am I being precious?

43 replies

BratleyBackToNormal · 10/01/2010 22:42

I have a friend who doesn't have kids. She has been trying for a long time, believes she can't have a baby even though Drs have told her there's no reason she can't.
I lost touch with her for a few years but moved back to the area last year and we've been very good friends since.

She loves my DS and he's quite taken with her too and even calls her Aunty X.
She's made a few comments lately that have made me a bit but tonight made me feel a bit more and I just wanted to know if you think she's out of line or if I'm thinking too much about it!

She's always said she loves DS and 'treats him like her own'
She says things like 'Oh you love me so much don't you!?' to DS
Since christmas when she visited family she's told me 7times that 'people probably think he's mine the way I talk about him all the time!'
Today she was sat on the sofa, DS was sat on her lap and he went to dip a biscuit in her tea, I told him not to and she said 'No its Mummy's tea... and Aunty X's'
She's just been round to my house and as she was leaving she said 'I'll come round before (DS) he has a nap tomorrow so I can see him. People would think he was mine the way I go on about him! Seriously, one day I'm going to kidnap him!'
When she saw I was a bit she said 'I'd bring him back by the end of the day though, he'd drive me mad!'

She's a really good friend and we get on very well, but the little comments about my DS like he's hers make me feel weird.
Would you? Or am I looking too much into it?

OP posts:
MamaG · 10/01/2010 22:44

I think you're being nasty actually, she obviously loves your DS very much. How mean of you.

Bleatblurt · 10/01/2010 22:46

It sounds like she's just very sad at not having her own and latched onto your son a little. I don't think there's anything wrong with what she's saying. My sister often says people must think my DS3 is hers when they are together as they are both blondes (I have dark brown hair).

I feel a little sad for your friend. She's been trying unsuccessfully for a long time - cut her a little slack.

Hassled · 10/01/2010 22:46

I think you need to tell her that she's freaking you out. And I can quite understand why she's freaking you out - that is all a bit much. But talk to her - she probably has no idea how mad it's all coming across.

tiredoftherain · 10/01/2010 22:46

I think she's probably harmless but a bit full-on. I bet it means a lot to be able to be so close to your ds, so I wouldn't worry too much from what you've said.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/01/2010 22:47

YABU
she loves your DS, she's not going to kidnap him! Get over yourself and stop being so mean. And be grateful you have such a nice friend for you and for DS.I bet she'd babysit without question wouldn't she?

alicet · 10/01/2010 22:47

I can understand where you are coming from to feel a bit awkward with her comments.

However I am sure she just genuinely loves your ds and her comments are almost certainly well intentioned. If she is as good a friend as you say I would let it ride tbh.

LowLevelWhingeing · 10/01/2010 22:47

Aww, that's a bit sad really. She yearns for her own child and loves being around your son...

defineme · 10/01/2010 22:48

It is weird and intense and is a product of her grief over her infertility. You can cool things off-you don't have to have her round. She's obviously having a tough time and maybe needs to find some child free friends so she's not obsessing about kids all the time.
On the other hand maybe it's nice for her to hang out with you-only you know if you can stand it....

BibiThree · 10/01/2010 22:49

I think she's being a little ott (without realising it) and you're over-reacting a bit too. She clearly loves your ds, I adore my best friend's son (I have 3 dds) and sometime refer to him as "my boy", but she also calls me his "Welsh Mammy".
I made a few comments about stealing him back to Wales with me when he was first born and bf was suffering with tremendous pnd ... ill advised, but I thought I'd help her see how adorable and wonderful her son was that he's a keeper, but alooking back I was probably not helping things at all!

Original poster
BratleyBackToNormal · 10/01/2010 22:49

No, I'm not being mean, I'm really not. I just feel a bit uncomfortable about some of her comments.

I know she loves him very much but I just think some things she says are a bit odd.

If people think I'm being horrid then I'll try and take the comments with a pinch of salt. That answers my question!

OP posts:
pjmama · 10/01/2010 22:49

YABU. She clearly adores him and having him to love perhaps makes not being able to have her own child a little less painful. He's lucky to have such a doting Auntie.

meltedchocolate · 10/01/2010 22:50

I understand how you feel, protective mum and all that but your friend is only showering her love on your son and I would think that was great.

If it bothering you so much it will affect your friendship maybe you should just say it to her, having a little convo to ease your mind, but don't make a HUGE deal out of it.

softhoney · 10/01/2010 22:50

She is a good friend of yours and clearly is very fond of your son. She is desperate for a child of her own and is simply enjoying the time she spends with your DS. It may be a little OTT by how you describe it, but as Butterball said just cut her a little slack as your DS is fond of her too.

Irishchic · 10/01/2010 22:50

Hmmm I think that's a bit harsh MamaG, you weren't there, and it does all sound just a teeny bit OTT to me too, I think I would find that a little bit odd. Not saying I would lose sleep or anything over it but I do think the friend is displaying more that the usual amount of affection for the child of a close friend.

It's not mean, its understandable.

Heated · 10/01/2010 22:50

She sounds a lovely, keen, child-friendly aunt and nothing in the post particularly alarms me.

Bleatblurt · 10/01/2010 22:50

Oh God, yeah, that's reminded me that I always say that when I'm round friends kids. I tell them they are so cute I'm going to take them home and keep them! The mums usually offer to pack their bags.

ChilloSTOPFOLLOWINGMEhippi · 10/01/2010 22:50

I think you should tell her that you find it a bit much.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 10/01/2010 22:51

she sounds like my BF towards my DS3....only difference is she's already got 5 children of her own (ranging in age from 5-22yrs) and 2 grandchildren as well.

MamaG · 10/01/2010 22:52

Just my view. She asked if she WBU so I gave my opinion

Spannerweb · 10/01/2010 22:53

When she takes to changing his clothing to suit her tastes, or turning up to parents evenings and school plays or if ever you come home and find yourself surprised to have having boiled rabbit for tea, you might have a problem.

Only joking.... Nah. I wouldn?t worry about it.

Original poster
BratleyBackToNormal · 10/01/2010 22:56

I love her to bits and don't atually believe she's going to kidnap my son!
Just sometimes she's a bit overpowering, I know I'm lucky to have her as a friend and DS's is lucky to have her as an Aunty as we don't live near family.
I just find some comments a bit intense.
I've gone through a lot to get my son and having someone I trust say (quite often) that he's their little boy and such like just puts me on edge a bit!
Gonna chill out a bit tomorrow when she comes round and be thankful for her and brush off the comments.

OP posts:
GrimmaTheNome · 10/01/2010 22:59

I think that might make me feel weird too, so YANBU - and you're not being mean as you've not really done or said anything in response - looking at her in the circumstances described doesn't seem to have thrown your friend.

Poor lady - but I think she's sad, not mad or bad.

Just a thought, would it be possible for you and your friend to do things together without your DS sometimes - maybe it could help normalise things a bit?

Original poster
BratleyBackToNormal · 10/01/2010 23:02

I'd love to be able to do stuff without him there, but DH works away and we're nowhere near family, got no one else to look after him.

She often comes round when DS is in bed, but we're still surrounded my his toys and stuff.
I think I need to look past the fact she hasn't got the baby she wants yet, I think I walk on eggshells and think about things too much TBH!
She doesnt have any family nearby either so we pretty much are each others family.

OP posts:
fernie3 · 10/01/2010 23:23

Sounds like she just wants a child in her life. If its making you uncomfortable then of course tell her but I would be tempted to just let it go in the circumstances.

EcoMouse · 11/01/2010 03:16

Bratley, how many of these comments are made in front of your child? It seems he's still young (sitting on her lap, has naps) but it is inappropriate for her to bang on extensively in front of him, particularly if he can comprehend what she says.

Particularly concerning is her saying 'Oh you love me so much don't you!?' to your DS, if she's doing so repeatedly. It infers an unhealthy emotional reliance upon him, a need for his affirmation.

It's fantastic that he has an extra caring adult in his life but her relationship with him needs to be healthy for him, not obsessive. She can't lean on him due to her own inability to conceive. Sad as that is, she is an adult, your child a child and you a mother with good instincts, IMO.

YANBU to expect her to be less OTT in front of and towards your child. This is well within your remit as his mum!

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