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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider leaving...

46 replies

Longo · 10/01/2010 14:49

Basically, Tuesday DP went out sledging in the snow with friends at 12pm, phoned from friends phone as his battery is dead at 3pm to say he was going for a drink and would be back in a bit, bit miffed but ok! I put DD to bed at 7.30pm, still not home. It gets to 9pm, getting very angry so text his friend and asked DP to ring me. He did, acted like nothing was wrong, so I got very angry and shouted that he didn't give a fuck about me or DD, he was calm and said I was wrong and that he was just chilling and what else would he have done all day other than sit in bored with me and DD. I said he was selfish and that I had enough of him and taking the piss out of me and treating me like a housekeeper and nanny. He said I was being silly, I was so angry that I said, I'm leaving and will go and stay with my mum, his immediate response was your not taking DD anywhere. I said so it would be fine if I went, he said do what you want.He basically has confirmed what I have thought for months, he is only with me for DD. I'm gutted. He said we'll talk the next day, he didn't come home that night, stayed at a mates. His acting normal now and we haven't spoke other than about DD and dinner etc.
I'm thinking I should just pack a couple of bags and go to my mum's. Am i wrong?

OP posts:
ilove · 10/01/2010 14:50

Are you 12?

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 10/01/2010 14:51

Yes. You over reacted. You could have just said yo would like him to come home/let you know when he was coming home. Threatening to leave is OTT.

You need to calm down and both of you apologise and take back what you said.

Or do you want to throw away your relationship because he stayed out longer than you wanted him too and then threatened to take his child away from him?

stickylittlefingers · 10/01/2010 14:56

Well, maybe there's a huge backstory to this, but as it stands I would say sorry about threatening to leave, and have a chat about how you're obviously feeling (maybe the second at a different point in time). The way you've told the story, it's hard to see what is so very wrong with him.

addictedtomn · 10/01/2010 14:56

how old is your dd? is she new born, are you struggling to cope? how often do you get to go out with your friends with out dd - is this what its really about? (sorry if i'm way off the mark here)

i do think this may have been an over reaction, but it sound like there are deeper issues you need to talk through

addictedtomn · 10/01/2010 14:57

x post with sticky, my thoughts exactly!

stickylittlefingers · 10/01/2010 15:00

Is it as addictedtomn says? It might help to have a chat on here - loads and loads of parents can feel a bit trapped at home. Equally, lots of people have found good ways of sorting it out.

hope we can help

Heracles · 10/01/2010 15:00

What the hell is wrong with some people on here? It's no wonder women get a reputation for being hysterical and argumentative when you read some of the opening posts in this section.

As you say in the thread starter, you were shouting, he was calm; there's a wee lesson in there somewhere I feel...

scottishmummy · 10/01/2010 15:18

are you always such a precious princess.over reacting so

Hando · 10/01/2010 15:22

What exactly was the problem? He went out with friends and went for a drink.

Why don't you plan to have a day with friend next week, then you get some alone time too.

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2010 15:23

I think I'd be upset though if my partner said that spending time with me and our child was 'boring' I think I'd be pretty gutted to hear that.

And him pissing off to the pub all afternoon when he said he'd be back soon is not on, when does she get to go out?

overmydeadbody · 10/01/2010 15:32

Yes YABU

You are not his mother, you sound like one of those possessive dominating controlling woves than push their husbands away!

What would have been wrong with simply talking to your DH? Or just communicating more effectively. Presumably he's not a mind reader, if you wanted him home for something you should have asked him before he want out.

addictedtomn · 10/01/2010 15:39

actually the part "what else would he have done all day other than sit in bored with me and DD." would have got me very upset. and at 3pm he said he would be "back in a bit" and still wasnt home when she rang him at 9. i think she has reason to be upset and annoyed. threatening to leave imo is an over reaction but more than enough of a reason to be annoyed

StarExpat · 10/01/2010 15:50

I don't usually post on these boards. But my dh has said before "be back in a bit" then didn't come home for ages... then when I went out and was up front with him about how long I would be - text him often and let him know what was up, when I was on my way home...etc, he accused me of being dishonest and got angry with me!
I can feel your frustration because especially if he's said he'll be back soon, it leaves you to worry if something has happened, if he's ok... etc. Otherwise, presumably he'd text from a friends phone to say I'll be a bit later, just hanging out with friends... or something like that. I don't think that's unreasonable to expect at all.

And that "what else would I have done all day other than sit bored wth you and DD" is really mean. There are other ways he could have said that - like, "I jsut wanted some time on my own" or "I just wanted some time with my friends" etc etc etc.

Threatening to leave is ott, however you were upset and can be excused with an apology. it sounds to me, that you were more likely trying to figure out what his response would be to that since you said it confirmed what you had been thinking.

is there a way you can talk together about what happened and apologise for what you said but also let him know how what he did made you feel?

Heracles · 10/01/2010 15:53

Oh it's easy t osee why one might get annoyed by his behaviour, but threatening to leave? Come on. Either you're massively overreacting or you're making idle threats; neither option leaves you with much respect, does it?

posieparker · 10/01/2010 15:57

This is obviously the tip of the ice berg in which your DP takes you for granted? Talk about it. You were angry and he was defensive...but if this is the norm, him going off to have fun without you and you want something different from your relationship you need to work this out.

Pikelit · 10/01/2010 15:58

I'd have been pissed off if my dp went out for an allegedly brief time with friends but failed to come home. But having been through this situation (a quick pre-supper drink for my ex-husband always lasting til closing time) I now realise that my biggest mistake was failing to tackle the problem before we were right in the middle of it again.

Phoning your DP and going off like a banshee will only make him defensive and you even more pissed off. If I were him I'd stay out on a point of principle too!

So sort this out at a much calmer time and don't do the silent sulky stuff. It never solved anything.

Goblinchild · 10/01/2010 15:59

My Grandfather was married to a Drama Queen.
He spent a lot of time in his shed at the bottom of the garden.
It was either that or being sat in the house whilst she went on and on, and there is a limit as to how long you can hide behind the newspaper.
I'm sure the shed was responsible for their marriage lasting as long as it did.

lucyellensmumagain · 10/01/2010 15:59

You over reacted, but he also acted like a twunt for not coming home. You both need to sort this out before it becomes a cycle of behaviour.

Just had a very similar conversation with DP about my DD and her BF - something trivial really but he said, "oh perhaps he didnt tell her because he knew she would have a go at home" - i said, maybe he didnt tell her because he knew he was wrong! lol

Not sure if thats relevant to be honest

Goblinchild · 10/01/2010 16:00

I think it's relevant, a male reaction and a female reaction to a relationship issue.

lucyellensmumagain · 10/01/2010 16:01

have a go at him! im losing the ability to spell/type

diddl · 10/01/2010 16:03

He went sledging with friends-is he 12?

Isn´t that a family thing?

OP YABU to threaten to leave, but FFS he stayed out all night.

Sorry but he sounds like an immature twät.

addictedtomn · 10/01/2010 16:05

i just did a quick serch on logos name, and it does seem that this is only the tip of the iceburg. it would seem that this happens alot.

if people stop calling her a drama queen and such like and such she may come back and tell us alittle more about what she wants out of all of this

lucyellensmumagain · 10/01/2010 16:07

good post addicted

we are all entitled to be a little bit precious, i think she over reacted, but i certainly dont think her DPs behaviour acceptable iether

Goblinchild · 10/01/2010 16:08

I live in a commuter town with some good hills, they've been full of twenty-somethings unable to commute to London who have been sledging and snowballing instead. Some gigantic snowpeople build entirely by adults as well.
Yes, he's being immature, he's avoiding a scolding by stopping out.

dittany · 10/01/2010 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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