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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider leaving...

46 replies

Longo · 10/01/2010 14:49

Basically, Tuesday DP went out sledging in the snow with friends at 12pm, phoned from friends phone as his battery is dead at 3pm to say he was going for a drink and would be back in a bit, bit miffed but ok! I put DD to bed at 7.30pm, still not home. It gets to 9pm, getting very angry so text his friend and asked DP to ring me. He did, acted like nothing was wrong, so I got very angry and shouted that he didn't give a fuck about me or DD, he was calm and said I was wrong and that he was just chilling and what else would he have done all day other than sit in bored with me and DD. I said he was selfish and that I had enough of him and taking the piss out of me and treating me like a housekeeper and nanny. He said I was being silly, I was so angry that I said, I'm leaving and will go and stay with my mum, his immediate response was your not taking DD anywhere. I said so it would be fine if I went, he said do what you want.He basically has confirmed what I have thought for months, he is only with me for DD. I'm gutted. He said we'll talk the next day, he didn't come home that night, stayed at a mates. His acting normal now and we haven't spoke other than about DD and dinner etc.
I'm thinking I should just pack a couple of bags and go to my mum's. Am i wrong?

OP posts:

dittany · 10/01/2010 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 10/01/2010 16:17

I think perhaps when you spoke to him at 9pm - a cool stance would've probably been more productive, but I would've been pissed off too!

If I went out at midday with a friend and didn't get back until 8am the following morning, DH would be fuming with me and he's quite a reasonable chap.

Reading some of your other posts, it does sound like this is not just a one-off. I think you need to establish what you think is reasonable behaviour from him, discuss this with him and see if you can set some ground rules that will work for both of you. I wish you luck, I have a feeling he's not going to change

dittany · 10/01/2010 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmumagain · 10/01/2010 16:30

I dont think it is productive for you to just fuck off out and stay out, just because he did. Because that is almost saying that it is OK to do so, and you dont want to get roped into tit for tat behaviour.

If its the tip of the iceberg and you really feel you have had enough, by all means go - but i dont think it will improve your situation.

You need to talk to him to try and make him understand, if he wont, then i dont know where you go from there - relate? He sounds like he needs to grow up.

feralgirl · 10/01/2010 16:33

Reading your other posts, I think your DP sounds like an immature arse. I too am married to a man who tends toward immature arse-dom so I can sympathise.

HOWEVER there are always two sides to every story. And I know that my DH could tell you some really choice things about me too. Having a baby really brought out the worst in both of us unfortunately!

It all came to a head and we seperated por three months but sorted it out through Relate. I think that for some couples having a baby can be a huge pressure and can magnify any cracks that might have been there before but were too small to worry about.

Relate might be worth considering if you feel as though you're beyond dealing with it yourselves. We'd be divorcing now if it weren't for our counseller.

Lulumama · 10/01/2010 16:35

why didn;t you all go sledging as a family group and met up with his friends?

on the surface, it seems childish for you to threaten to leave ,but you obviously feel unappreciated, but need more detail

i think, superficially, if you were happy for hm to go out and then have a drink, you are unreasonable foir threatening to leave !

unless there is a lot more

but you need to talk and communicare, as hreatening to leave is a big deal and not an ultimatum to issue lightly, it will become meaningless if you say it often enogugh

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 10/01/2010 16:43

I think you sound a bit fed up in general- and you obviously feel that he should want to do things with you and DD without being 'bored'. I think all relationships hit this phase at some point.

Obviously things have lead up to this.

I'd say talk to him, tell him you're going to your mums as you need a break and it'll probably spur him into communicating.

Original poster

Longo · 10/01/2010 21:04

Wow, never had so many replies on here before, so thank you!
I wasn't surprised to hear I was BU, but being called a spoilt princess, nothing could be further from the truth. There are underlying issues and this isn't an isolated incident.
I do feel silly threatening to leave now, but I was angry and hurt.
We have tried talking today but not easy with a 16 month old running around wanting constant attention and not wanting her to pick up on any of it.

OP posts:

lucyellensmumagain · 10/01/2010 21:13

it is so very hard when you have little ones, it doesn't get easier on the talk front either because as they get older they want more time! So you have to make time! its important - can you arrange for a sitter? go out for a meal?

Write it down actually, not in accusatrory way just to let him know what is going on for you - i've only read this thread so dont know what the other issues are?

How old is he?

Its a big change having a baby and maybe he isnt coming to terms with the loss of freedom so well?

mummygirl · 10/01/2010 21:25

YANBU.
He "would be bored"with you and DD? And prefered to be with his mates rather than his family on a day off? For the whole day? This is simply not right.

Do go to your mum's, not as an "I'm leaving you", but like "I need a break, a day to myself". Don't ask him, leave DD and leave him to it. That's what I'd do.

Oh, and then DISCUSS. COuldn't your mum babysit for a few hours?

Original poster

Longo · 10/01/2010 21:28

He is 30, he didn't cope well with the idea of having a baby, even though she was planned! But we got through it, just about and things were good for a while. I accept most days that he is lazy when it comes to anything housework related, still bugs me occasionally but oh well! He has made some new friends lately and they are younger than him with no responsibilities, I think this is hard for him as they are out every night and he reads about all the fun their having on facebook! He does go out, alot more than I do, I don't nag, never wanted to be like that as would hate it done to me but I'm not ready to be made a fool and treated with so little respect. I think I deserve better.

OP posts:

lucyellensmumagain · 10/01/2010 22:05

all of this you are putting down here is perfectly reasonable - tell him! write it down make him read it! he's not a young boy anymore - time to grow up, yep its pants but thats life! fucking facebook!

PlanetEarth · 11/01/2010 12:40

At 30 it's hard for him because his friends have no responsibilities? How old does he have to be to realise it's time to grow up?!

AnyFucker · 11/01/2010 13:32

he sounds like a man-child and not somebody I would want to build a family with unless he did some major growing-up

it sounds like he is easily-led by these "younger" friends (are they all male, btw ?)

I can imagine him in the pub with them whilst they egg him on to "give the ball'n'chain a swerve"

horrible

unless you are happy for this situation to continue, you are going to have to have a "serious talk" with him

he may also, like all immature children people, have to learn there are consequences to his actions...

claw3 · 11/01/2010 13:54

Im assuming he doesnt need your permission to go out, but you expected him to let you know when he was coming back.

You should have said so.

Original poster

Longo · 11/01/2010 14:08

Claw, isn't common decency to let you partner know they are alive and not fallen off a cliff somewhere?
'The' talk is being had this evening, I accept I over reacted but this is not the first time he has done this sort of thing, as other posters have said, time to grow up.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/01/2010 14:11

good luck, longo x

claw3 · 11/01/2010 14:19

Longo, thats what i said!

He did let you know what he was doing, the confusion seems to be about how long he would be allowed to do it before you got upset. His idea of reasonable is clearly different from what your idea of reasonable is.

If you knew you would get upset if he didnt come back at a certain time, you should have told him 'be back at ....... as i want you to ...............'

pearlym · 11/01/2010 14:27

For what it is worth, I can understand youfeeling so angry, as it seems he was running about as if he did not have even a responsibility to check that all ok at home or to discuss whether yuo might like to have a bit of time off. I had the same prob with my partner when i first had the childrn, he would go off to work, go out for drinks now and again etc wihtout discussion and I had to actaully ask him ot do pick up on certain nights, then I said it was not fair for him to be in effect a free agent when i was not - we now both discuss ourplans a lot more and are more aware of obligations etc. I do not think you are being unreasonable in being annoyed.
Threatening to leave ws a bit extreme unless of course this is the culmination of months of lack of consideration and estrangement - if so, leaving may be the best option, but decide in a calmer mood, not in the heat of the moment.

Rindercella · 11/01/2010 16:37

Good luck longo. Try to stay calm and focussed. Keep to facts and try & keep emotion out of the discussion. Which is all terribly easy for me to say sitting here from behind my computer, I know.

scottishmummy · 11/01/2010 18:24

posters will respond on basis of post,cant be expected to know your history or relationship with dh.i do think ultimatums are a poor bargaining tool and don't address anything

get to root cause of the malaise.why you feel you need to make such ultimatums.

is it because you don't feel listened to unless it is a big statement

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