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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MIL's birthday

28 replies

maswera · 08/01/2010 07:06

DP can never remember other people's birthdays. I can't believe that at 36 he can't remember his own mother's birthday (although he does know it's coming up). I have it on my computer - but feel like if I tell him when it is we will soon descend into me having responsibility for remembering all his family's birthdays, and I really don't want to go there... (I hate the 'woman automatically responsible for remembering birthdays/sending cards/buying presents' thing)

So AIBU to not tell him when his mum's birthday is? If I don't tell him he will probably ask his dad (but he might forget that as well)

And if he doesn't remember between now and then, AIBU to send her a birthday message just from me?! Am very not sure about this, but I really wouldn't want her to think we hadn't bothered/were completely thoughtless. Hmm, really can't work out how I could do that and not look like a twat... any suggestions welcome!

OP posts:
MamaG · 08/01/2010 07:10

Ah don't be mean. Don't think of it as "woman's role" bollocks, just think that YOU are good at remembering dates, DH is good at [insert something here].

Who cares if it's a bit stereotypical, really?

gizzy1973 · 08/01/2010 07:17

Put the birthdays on a calendar for him to see and deal with

Hassled · 08/01/2010 07:19

I think you have to think how gutted you will be when you're a MIL and your DC forgets your birthday. And how grateful you'll be to the DIL who remembers. Tell him - but I can see how it's annoying.

malovitt · 08/01/2010 07:41

I used to buy a birthday card for my mum, stick a stamp on, put it in a larger envelope and post it to my brother to send to her, as I know he would never remember.

My mum would ring me on her birthday so touched about the lovely card with beautiful words that my brother had obviously spent time selecting...

It meant so much to her, it really did.

To send a birthday message just from you? No, really petty.
Remind him.

Shoshe · 08/01/2010 07:46

Put a note on his phone a couple of days before her birthday, I make DH do this at the beginning of the year, then leave it up to him.

skidoodle · 08/01/2010 08:01

I feel your pain. My dh might lose contact with his family altogether if I didn't remind him to call them occasionally

The dates on the calendar thing is a great idea. Don't send a card just from you. Reminding him of his mum's birthday is such a small thing to do and the fact that he remembers probably makes her very happy.

IMO this is too small to make a stand over, especially at mil's expense.

Also his family is your family now.

wilbur · 08/01/2010 08:14

Write it in big letters on the calendar every year when you get your new calendar and then nag him to look at the calendar regularly. He might learn a bit more about what's going on at the same time . Don't let him forget his mother's birthday - yes, it's crap of him, but if she raised a man you think is worth living with then she's worth you prodding him to get her a card.

Original poster
maswera · 08/01/2010 08:38

Thanks for the replies - you're all obviously much nicer people than me . That's a nice way to think about it MamaG - I am good at remembering dates; he is good at catching huge great big spiders and charming the pants off even the most wearisome of my relatives You're all right, I'll tell him. Wilbur - nice thought about his mum raising such a good bloke being worth reminding him...

OP posts:
Original poster
maswera · 08/01/2010 12:42

... although I'm a bit surprised that no-one who wouldn't remind their partners has turned up. Thought this one would make quite a good debate....

OP posts:
claw3 · 08/01/2010 12:57

Sounds a bit petty to me. Surely there are things which he does for you too. Give and take.

My dp for example will happily pop to the shop if i have forgotten to buy milk.

I will happily remind him of his mothers birthday.

CMOTdibbler · 08/01/2010 13:01

I don't remind DH about his mum and dads birthdays. I do remind him about the neices and nephews, although fortunatly Facebook tells you a few days in advance so I don't need to now.

He managed before I was with him (or not), so I don't think that changed when we married

Pancakeflipper · 08/01/2010 13:33

It's my MIL's birthday today. I sent the cards from us and the little ones. Ordered the flowers and got the present. Sent her a text.

OH won't remember it is her birthday until she phones tonight to say thanks and he'll pretend he did it all and she pretends he's a great son for remembering her birthday. But she knows its all me and is just grateful it is me who sorts it so she gets a decent pressie on the actual day.

I do the birthdays - it's how it is in this house. He sorts out other stuff.

FourArms · 08/01/2010 13:50

I remember. I buy card/ present/ flowers. I often write card and send card/ present/ flowers. I know, DH knows and MIL knows. But I like my MIL which makes a difference. Do I make the same effort for FIL......

cleanandclothed · 08/01/2010 13:56

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fillybuster · 08/01/2010 14:07

YABU. Without being the slightest bit gender-ist about it, I do think there are some things my dh is better at remembering and some that I seem to deal with more frequently. Present and card buying tends to fall to me...although not always.

Since you've remembered in good time, why not remind your dh tonight and, maybe, point out nicely that its his job to actually go out, buy the card and present etc. But there's a difference between reminding him to do it and actually doing it for him - I can understand you might not want to be made responsible for all the present shopping etc but there's nothing wrong with being keeper-of-the-diary if all it takes is a gentle nudge.

FWIW, its not necessarily a female thing: in my family, its still my dad who calls/texts to remind me about gp, aunts etc upcoming birthdays

MorrisZapp · 08/01/2010 14:47

I'd say it's fine to remind men about their family birthdays, but not fine to have to buy the presents/ cards etc unless you have discussed it in advance and decided that you'd like to do it.

It pisses me off no end that in my family, a card from my brother to any female relative is met with 'oh! how lovely! Look everybody! MZBro got me a lovely card!' whereas if my sister or I give a card or pressie it's met with politeness and gratitude but is clearly just expected.

What I'm getting at is that men seem to get more praise for these things than the gesture warrants, just because they're men.

KittyTN · 08/01/2010 16:10

Definately should remind DH about his mums bday. Unless you hate your MIL and actually want to have a poor relationship!

I have an embarassing situation re presents and PILs. PIL and I dont get on and following a particularly crap Christmas present from them to me whilst i was a guest at their house I decided that in future I would buy presents for my family from DH & I and DH could sort out his own family from us both. Rather petty, I know. DH insists that his family dont value presents much (I assumed as an excuse for the rubbish they get me) anyway he bought his mum a soap for Christmas - I think it was obvious she was disappointed. DH totally oblivious. I have to say I wish I had continued to buy from DH & I even though I have alot of trouble with PILs. Felt quite sorry for MIL even though she left her Christmas present to me at home 'by mistake' this year

LeQueen · 08/01/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 08/01/2010 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 08/01/2010 18:03

LeQueen - agree with you. Does you OH hiss at you "what did we get her?"... with a look of panic on his face when MIL is on the phone thanking him ... Ahhhh makes it worth buying and posting !

My MIL and I bicker like crazy. Could happily boil her head, but I'd hate her to not get a pressie or card from her grandkids just cos' I wanted to be a cow.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 08/01/2010 18:33

I totally understand your not wanting to buy into that whole thing, OP. I have unfortunately got sucked into that role of being the one who buys stuff and remembers these dates.

Personally if I had my time again and was in your situation, I would send my MIL a lovely card and gift from ME. If my Dh remembered all to the good - but I would avoid being the one who does it for him.

Batteryhuman · 08/01/2010 18:37

The unfortunate truth is your MIL will be upset with both of you if he forgets, so it depends on whether you are OK with upsetting her. I'm not so remember all the birthdays. My SIL is so my kids, my parents and my other brothers don't get cards and, yes, I feel let down by both of them!

CirrhosisByTheSea · 08/01/2010 18:49

Thing is, these MILs are not idiots - they must have gone years without their dear sons remembering, or with receiving a bunch of garage flowers or something

They know these gifts are from the DIL - so why not genuinely buy from you!

PeedOffWithNits · 08/01/2010 18:54

I always buy all cards and gifts for my family and DHs - and I am good at it and enjoy it. this year I was cautious about doing so,for FIL bday & xmas, as FIL is dying, so DHs last chance to do it However, I as a SAHM was the one with the time to trail around the shops looking for the perfect, not humourous, not twee, just "nice" card - and saying some of the things DH was feeling but finding hard to say to his dad.

Dh agreed he could not have found a nicer card and would have had to settle for something not really appropriate if he had gone out in a hurry on his lunch hour - and was grateful to me for putting so much thought into it.

HEIFERmerrychristmas · 08/01/2010 19:04

I always reminded DH but never picked the card myself, I had to remind him to write in it and I am pretty sure I usually posted it.

Sadly we don't have this problem any more, but I am glad I helped DH remember whilst she was alive.