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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to slap dh around the head?

46 replies

issysmilkbottle · 06/01/2010 22:51

dh is doing my head in big time!

He can be an irrational worrier and has in the past had anxiety issues and a bit of a hyoochondriac...

We have a 6 week old dd.... For weeks now he's been mithering about having food or drink near her, people having germs, it being too hot or too cold, ds not holding her right etc...

We have a bt baby monitor and since realising her collic was due to over stimulation we/i have been putting her to sleep around 6/7pm (this issue was another thread!) and once she is down I have been using the monitor to listen to her and going and checking (at dh's insistence!), I'd be happy to check every 30-60 mins and monitor is v v good and we are in a small house with stairs in front room... Dh wants me to check every ten mins and when I do check on her and say she's ok, he always says 'how do you know?' arghhhhhhh

He is driving me nuts! Can I bash him? Aibu in thinking he's being neurotic and insulting my ability as a mother? I've just told him he's insinuating I can't look after her and he denies it!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 06/01/2010 22:55

let him go and bloody check if he wants to! why on earth are you going up and down stairs to check on her at his insistence?

yes, he's being OTT, but i guess it's nice that he cares so much

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/01/2010 22:55

He isn't insinuating you can't look after her but he is being obsessive and way over the top. He's anxious, it's natural, but he needs to chill out. Not sure how you can get him to though. I'm sure as time goes on he will chill out...we all do!

Rindercella · 06/01/2010 22:55

Steer clear of actually ABH, but YANBU in being totally wound up by this.

Simple question, but why do you have to go and check on your DD? Why doesn't he go - at least sometimes??

Congratulations on your baby btw

Rindercella · 06/01/2010 22:56

Hmm -- "actually ABH". Must learn to read what I have typed before posting!

EcoMouse · 06/01/2010 22:57

YABU! Violence is never the answer

Is it possible he has PND? He's displaying several of the markers.

MrsSawdust · 06/01/2010 22:58

Why the hell isn't he checking her himself if he's that worried? It's very ott to check a sleeping baby every 10 mins anyway!

winnybella · 06/01/2010 22:58

He is obviously suffering from OCD and hypochondria.
Must be a nightmare for you.
My exP would freak out if a shell of a BOILED egg was touching bread on DS's plate, as it came out of chicken's ass and was so unhygienic. Bonkers.
Really, my sympathy and I think it would be a good idea for him to see a therapist, as his behaviour is unlikely to go away on its own.

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 06/01/2010 23:01

problem is if he checks he's so bloody noisy and pokes her to see if ok that she wakes up and then I spend half hour or so getting her to sleep again, she's Bf and dh hasn't sussed best way to get her to sleep at night so I get up all night with her too and then he has a lie in because he's tired! Arghhh, another thread on that I think...

Not sure if he has pnd, he had anxiety and depression in past but seems ok in that sense, other issues at the moment but this is leading me to remove a piece of his anatomy!

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 06/01/2010 23:10

PND doesn't necessarily display with classic depression symptoms milkbottle, maybe discuss with your HV?

Must be extremely difficult for you! Don't take it personally, for whatever reason he's having trouble rationalising his anxiety and it has no reflection on your mothering capabilities.

WingedVictory · 06/01/2010 23:22

My DH is also neurotic, and his utterances of "We should...." often fill me with dread. If he had his way, we would live in A&E or have our own private doctor. He can't seem to understand that, often, taking DS to the GP's or Children's A&E would expose DS to more lurgies, not to mention wasting our time together and making life extremely boring and limiting opportunities to play (and wait till your DC is able to walk - it's hell keeping an active child entertained at a doctor's office/ A&E).

However, do choose your battles, as I have, to my shame, downplayed a few things which turned out to be important, simply because the endless hypochondria triggers some real stubbornness in me. But don't for God's sake, mention such an idea to him, as, if he is very neurotic, he won't ever trust you!

Good luck.

And going mad for 10-minute checks - with or without a monitor - is nuts.

Also, for the record, I do understand how you feel it is an insult to you as a mother. He may deny it, but clearly doesn't trust you. But nor does he trust himself, and perhaps by asking you to check so frequently, he hopes at least one of you will catch any signs of something serious (God forbid). You have the better chance of catching it, he must think. But how wearing for you!

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 06/01/2010 23:56

he's the same with my ds who is ten and unfortunately ds is very very very accident prone, we go to a&e at least once a year for x rays etc and deal with endless minor injuries at home, ds is very active Plays hockey, does cubs and sails with the school and so I've come to accept it and touch wood, he's hardly ill... Just injured, dh has a 14 year old dd who is very lethargic and inactive and so it was a shock to hush system! little dd has many of my ds's traits already and as u'm v accident prone too I think we may have to have a season ticket for a&e! Lol, dh needs to chill out big time or else he'll have a heart attack!

Btw, dh has just apologized for keep going on but I know tomorrow will be the same... think I might adopt the use of sarcasm on response and keep the nut crackers handy!

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 07/01/2010 09:23

Nut crackers?! Ouch.

By the way, I'm sorry to suggest an expensive solution, but have you ever thought of a video monitor? I was dead against one when DS was small, as I was convinced it would make us neurotic parents. However, we now have one which we use to check if DS is scratching (he has eczema), and if not, we leave him alone to grumble and move about in his cot. Therefore, it has meant less intervention, not more.

We have the Lindam monitor which Kiddicare sells (not sure of the model off-hand).

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 07/01/2010 10:28

thanks, the video monitor is a nice idea but at £113 its an expensive solution, perhaps if I'd not bought the bt one I'd have gone for it... Will just encourage dh to chill...

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 07/01/2010 14:11

Yes, it is a bit drastic. But heigh ho!

ChilloHippi · 07/01/2010 14:12

Give your DH a little slap. Knock some sense into him.

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 07/01/2010 15:04

dh has gone to work and sent a text 'keep tea away from dd'... Arghhh! No, I'm gonna pour tea all over dd as if! Lol....

OP posts:
ChilloHippi · 07/01/2010 15:47

Cor, it's a good job he told you that, eh?

thisisyesterday · 07/01/2010 16:41

omg!!! now THAT deserves a punch.

seriously.

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 07/01/2010 18:20

I think I may adopt a higher level of sarcasm and feed back some similar comments and see when he realises.....

OP posts:
MummyDragon · 07/01/2010 18:44

"Aibu in thinking he's being neurotic and insulting my ability as a mother? I've just told him he's insinuating I can't look after her and he denies it!" -

Yes, YABU because you've already said that your DH has suffered from anxiety in the past, and he is obviously doing so again now. He is not able to control it, and he needs some help.

However, YANBU to be pissed off/stressed that this is happening now when you have a 6-week-old baby to look after.

Seriously, anxiety sufferers need professional help. I know this, I suffer with it too. Ask the GP for referral for counselling/CBT etc.

MadamDeathstare · 07/01/2010 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmumagain · 07/01/2010 19:40

Oh the poor guy Having suffered from anxiety myself i know how obsessive it can make you. There is a natural obsessive urge to check ones child is still breathing and DP and i would catch each other staring at her intently to make sure! but when he is waking her up, that is not a normal level of anxiety. He suffers from anxiety and no is responsible for the most important person in his world - you need to get him some help, i know he must be driving you mad and you are tired but please show some patience. If he has had treatment for depression in the past then its relatively easy to raise it again and suggest he sees the doctor, maybe some medication might help.

If a woman was to post on here and said she felt overly anxious about her baby she would get sympathy not derision - some of the posters on here would do well to observe that!

WingedVictory · 07/01/2010 21:46

Hi, lucyellensmumagain. You make a fair point about double standards for mothers and fathers, but leave out the un-nerving effect of an absent but constantly-fussing parent, who wants an exhausted parent to do all his/her fussing by proxy. I sympathise with issysmilkbottle, over the extra aggro and anxiety.

issysmilkbottle, could your MIL possibly help, by talking to DH about expectations and probabilities, soothe him a little?

roulade · 07/01/2010 22:02

Get an Angel Care Movement and Sound Monitor, i have been told they are very good and cost around £60.

roulade · 07/01/2010 22:04

Angel Care Monitor