..and controlling or is my DH crossing the line here???

[Pheebe]

First can I start by saying I have a generally lovely, supportive, fun-loving and deeply caring DH. However, there is something thats starting to bug me and I really can't decide if I'm being unreasonable (DH thinks so) or if DH is crossing a line in our relationship.

We live oop north, DH is from down south. Recently has been re-establishing shildhood friendships which is great and I'm all for and his friends are generally lovely. However, one friends wife is starting to annoy me. She is VERY naive and is openly unhappy in her marriage, is very critical of her DH (my Dh's friend) face to face and in the internet (IMs and the dreaded facebook) and often says things about him that I find VERY inappropriate. DH had struck up quite a friendship with her, she's a SAHM and is on the internet most days almost every day. DH and I split the child care so there are often days he's home all day too. Now my problem is the amount of time they spend talking to each other (via the internet). If he's home he has ALWAYS got an IM chat going with her and is often talking via facebook at the same time. Nothing is hidden, I could read it all if I want so no secrets but frankly haven't the time or inclanation.

I'm uncomfortable about this for several reasons:

1. The sheer amount of time they spend talking to each other - its increased gradually over the last few months to the point where they talk every day (sometimes her H is talking too which is obviously fine, but mostly its just her)

1. Occassionally the conversations are imo 'flirty'. She, as I said is V naive and sometimes I don't think she realises what she's saying. Also I know DHs sense of humour and while he does mean it in jest I'm just not comfortable with it.

1. Sometimes these conversations are played out in public on facebook with other bods chipping in. They never seem to have conversations on there without one another and I worry about how this looks to other people.

So am I being controlling or is it reasonable of me to ask him to cut down on the amount of time he spends talking to her and think a bit more about what he's saying?

Yikes. I have to admit I wouldn't be comfortable with this either, but I guess everyone will have different views depending on their relationship with their DH and how much they trust them. Sounds like she's making him her shoulder to cry on and if she's not happy in her own marriage, may get carried away with the attention she's getting from your DH. Difficult one to call - on the one hand, if you trust your husband then in theory this shouldn't bother you. In reality, I'd be asking him to back off a bit too I think, before it gets out of hand.

YANBU. I would be uncomfortable too. But I would put it to DH that you trust him but are more uncomfortable with where she might be going with this so that he doesn't get defensive and accuse you of BU.

YANBU, but could you phrase it to your DH in terms of this online relationship with his friend's DW possibly damaging his relationship with his friend and not being helpful to his friend and his DW improving their marriage rather than it being about you not trusting him IYKWIM?

Personally i would not be comfortable with this and if it were my DH would have to put a full stop on all contact.

But That is due to having already been in the same situation with DH. I would never want to go through that again. I trusted Him until this and took me years to fully trust him again.

It sounds like you do trust your DH but there is a slight doubt about where this is leading.

If there is even a glimmer of doubt about this situation then i would ask him to cut back on contact...Trust your instincts.

I think if he's being open about it and not hiding it from you there is no reason to worry. Its her DH who should be worrying.

If he starts hiding it? Then worry.

If you think she is naive then it might be worth having a word with him saying you are concerned she may think he is interested in her and you think it's a bit mean as she could get hurt. It may be that he is just enjoying the attention and not really thinking about how emotionally involved she might be getting.

If it's bugging you, then it's bugging you. However, stamping your foot and insisting all contact cease would not be a good idea as it would make you come across to your H (and possible various other friends) as a screeching mad monogamist harpy whether yo uare one or not. Kamer's advice is good - put it to your H that this woman might be 'getting the wrong idea' about him and how he should be careful not to 'lead her on' - this makes you look kind, trusting and (subtly) reminds him that the other woman is a silly clinging bint.

Thanks everyone. I do trust him, thats not really the issue for me its more where she is heading for this. She has openly said that her DH is on borrowed time and makes threats all the time about leaving him.

I do agree it could go badly for DH's friendship with his friend (her DH) as I don't believe he realises how much time they spend talking to each other or the amount of gory detail she goes into about their marriage (I had met her twice and she was telling me in graphic detail about their sex life!).

I have pointed out all this out to him but often DH doesn't 'hear' or take me seriously until I get REALLY pissed off about something. I think I'm going to have to lay it ALL out for him and see where we go from there.

It would bug me, not because I would be suspicious particularly but the fact that other people could see it and draw conclusions. And also, as you say, the sheer volume of time they spend chatting would bug me a bit. YANBU

a screeching mad monogamist harpy

hehehe that I'm not and I don't want him to have NO contact I just feel the current situation is OTT.

I definitely think she's forming an emotional attachment here that she shouldn't be. That I will definitely point out to him. He is a very caring bloke and I'm sure he won't want to hurt anyone.

YANBU, definately definately not. I have an online friend, a much older man, and I have "known" him for over five years now. Our conversations are very flirty and my DP read one of them and was less than impressed to say the least and accused me of sleeping with the guy. Understandable given what he had just read . I never kept the fact that i had this friend from DP and that i have had those sort of chats in the past - just something i did - meant NOTHING. Now, the thing is, i have had a tough few years and this guy has been brilliant to me and we are still very good friends, my DP is aware that I am still in contact with him and says its OK, but to be honest, im not sure he is 100% happy with it. But because in my mind, i know i wont ever meet up with this man - he is in scotland and im in kent! He is 25 years older than me with his own family - i feel happy to continue the friendship. He is a bit of a father figure to be honest and i have poured my troubles out to him and he has really been kind to me, a sort of unbiased mentor, but I cannot deny a sexual attraction and a sexual aspect to our friendship. I'm not proud of it.

What i am trying to say is, it is possible to have an online friendship of that type, I talk about EVERYTHING with this man at a time when DP and I have been struggling, in a funny way i think he has kept DP and myself together - he will basically tell me when he thinks its ME being an arsehole!

BUT, the key differences - We have and never will meet, he is old enough to be my father and there is no physical attraction whatsoever. Your DP is having long conversations with a woman who he has met, and would assume wouldnt rule out meeting in future? I would be VERY uncomfortable about it and i certainly dont think you would be unreasonable to ask that he knocks it on the head.

YANBU.

When your H is at home, isn't he supposed to be looking after the kids? Isn't there any housework/ironing he could be getting on with??

How is spending hours online chatting to complete strangers be considered a productive way to spend one's time? Oh hang on....

in significant relationships both participants need to feel valued and special.any other person muscling in be it friend etc will cause problems

the amount of time is inappropriate and frankly bit adolescent to be so gossipy-he said/he did.

does your dh friend know he is topic of theses derisory conversations.makes dh a disloyal friend to be gossiping too

and yep i would be annoyed by them both,but ultimately your dh is most in error as he has a commitment not to piss about and annoy you for no good reason.they are both being gossipy and a bit cliquey

is your dh flattered by all this

Well I least I know I'm not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about it all

DH is in many ways a bit naive also, I am only his second girlfriend let alone serious relationship and he is a very jokey open friendly sort of person. He is also fiercly loyal and I have no concerns in that respect but I think this situation can only lead to trouble. I also think she is taking advantage of his friendly nature but he definitely needs to learn that this is inappropriate and frankly adolescent.

Thanks all, you've given me lots to discuss with DH. I'm sure we'll be able to get this in persepctive

ps LOLOL tryharder at least you lot don't and never will know who I am and where I live

I can see both sides on this one. I talk every day to an ex boyf online and we flirt a lot but it is innocent in that I would never go back there and I would never cheat on DH I just enjoy chatting to someone who makes me smile who is online as much as me. I think so long as your dh is a trustworthy soul then nothing to worry about. Then again I must admit to having a bizarrely chilled non jealous dh, not sure how I would feel if Dh had such an online friend but probably wouldn't be too bothered as I completely trust him. But if it is bothering you I think your dh should take your feelings into account.

I think this woman sounds very needy and your DH is the one who is rather naive. You are right to be uncomfortable. Even though you clearly trust your DH I think this woman sounds like she isn't necessarily as trustworthy.
Thandeka - sounds like a classic case of don't do as I do...its not a problem when you do it - but I bet you wouldn't be too happy if your other half did....!

He has read some stuff and have told him other stuff. Is just the kind of relationship we have, completely open and honest but entirely monogamous and in fact I know it is a very unusual one as most Dp's probably wouldn't handle it, but it works for us and dh is only relationship I have ever had where I haven't cheated. Anyhow sorry for sidlining from op just wanted to try and explain further.

YANBU, I think you should tell her to stop being inappropriate with your husband.

YANBU nip it in the bud it would really piss me off. Have a word with both of them but tread carefully and choose your words well as you don't want a big drama here. Its not appropriate at all and they should both know that.

I think the bottom line is, that whether or not your DH thinks you are being reasonable / unreasonable, you are simply not comfortable with it and so that is reason enough for him to stop.

Who actively does things that knowingly makes their loved one uncomfortable? Especially when there is less cost to him if he stops than there is to you if he carries on?

Apart from my DH ?

YANBU, like others have said (I think) at least he's not being secretive about it.

I went through this with my OH and the damage it's done to the relationship is still ongoing, some 12 months later.

What a waste of time - think of the useful things your DH can be doing instead of IMing all day long You have a right to be annoyed I reckon.

I would be very very cautious about IM and the damage it can do. I have experience about how a friendship can turn into something more serious due to IMing. Because you're behind a screen you feel safe to say things that you wouldn't face to face.

I agree with 100% with biscuitstuffer. Hoorayhenrietta if it bothered my dh I absolutely wouldn't do it. Dh doesn't use im really so situation hasn't arisen with him but since majority of his mates are female there is plenty of scope for jealousy but I just don't feel it. OP if it does really upset you then yadnbu to ask him to stop.