..and controlling or is my DH crossing the line here???

[Pheebe]

First can I start by saying I have a generally lovely, supportive, fun-loving and deeply caring DH. However, there is something thats starting to bug me and I really can't decide if I'm being unreasonable (DH thinks so) or if DH is crossing a line in our relationship.

We live oop north, DH is from down south. Recently has been re-establishing shildhood friendships which is great and I'm all for and his friends are generally lovely. However, one friends wife is starting to annoy me. She is VERY naive and is openly unhappy in her marriage, is very critical of her DH (my Dh's friend) face to face and in the internet (IMs and the dreaded facebook) and often says things about him that I find VERY inappropriate. DH had struck up quite a friendship with her, she's a SAHM and is on the internet most days almost every day. DH and I split the child care so there are often days he's home all day too. Now my problem is the amount of time they spend talking to each other (via the internet). If he's home he has ALWAYS got an IM chat going with her and is often talking via facebook at the same time. Nothing is hidden, I could read it all if I want so no secrets but frankly haven't the time or inclanation.

I'm uncomfortable about this for several reasons:

1. The sheer amount of time they spend talking to each other - its increased gradually over the last few months to the point where they talk every day (sometimes her H is talking too which is obviously fine, but mostly its just her)

1. Occassionally the conversations are imo 'flirty'. She, as I said is V naive and sometimes I don't think she realises what she's saying. Also I know DHs sense of humour and while he does mean it in jest I'm just not comfortable with it.

1. Sometimes these conversations are played out in public on facebook with other bods chipping in. They never seem to have conversations on there without one another and I worry about how this looks to other people.

So am I being controlling or is it reasonable of me to ask him to cut down on the amount of time he spends talking to her and think a bit more about what he's saying?

Could it be that your husband is enjoying the ego-boost he gets from this flirty woman?

I get the impression she isn't an ideal candidate from which to get an ego boost (marriage to his old chum is falling apart etc..). I'd suggest to your DH that he's putting himself in a risky position with his friend and possibly giving the wrong impression to the wife.

Once it's all calmed a little, how about giving him a ego boost yourself - a romantic date and getting dressed up. Now I'm not saying this has necessarily happened in your relationship, but sometimes we loose the romance and flirtyness after years together leading partners to flirt elsewhere. Doesn't mean they love us any the less, just miss a good old flirt, spot of romance, old fashioned date.

WE had a long chat last night. he wasn't happy and I ended up feeling like a total kill joy but I stuck to my guns and laid it all out for him and asked him point blank to moderate how much he talks to her and to be more considered in what he talks to her about. I think that was reasonable, I refuse to tell him who he can and can't talk to, I don't feel I have any right to do that but hopefully he now realises how innappropriate and risky the situation has become. We shall see.

curlychloe I don't feel we're in a rut, don't think thats where this comes from, more likely its DHs friendly and caring nature and in his own way trying to support someone who's clearly struggling. That said I think you have a point and shall make more of a fuss of him cos he is a lovely lvoely bloke

Pheebe - I hope this works out ok for you. I have been both sides of this 'issue' and neither time it worked out well... lots of chatting soon gets inappropriate on IM, which often leads to feeling like the grass is greener... which leads to normally trustworthy and sensible people doing stupid things and hurting people . I would be checking in the background of your computer too - see how much is now being deleted so that they don't appear to be talking as much as they may still do...

It is good that you had a chat. But if you really think that your husband is spending hours online when he is at home with the kids, chatting to a flirty woman because of his good and caring nature, then I worry you are the naive one. If he had a good and caring nature, he should care for YOU and your kids, and his friend.

He should support his friend, rather than actually playing an active part in breaking up his friends marriage.
Because this woman chatting so much with your dh, is going to leave his old friend seriously pissed off, and might possible be the straw that breaks the camels back in their marriage. I would also mention to your friend that he should be careful, as his old gang down south might be talking about him and his unacceptable behaviuor with his old friens wife.