Advice needed - kids n drugs...

[OhGodHereWeGo]

Dh has just found cannabis in ds' room. This comes after about 18 months of battles with ds over slackness at school, don-t-care attitude etc etc. About three weeks ago Facebook sent me a pic of ds smoking a joint, which was kind of them!, ds wriggled off hoiok by saying it was taken six months ago "before I cleaned up my act". though tit was bollocks at time but dh fell for it.
Am guessing his next tactic will be to say stash from months ago too - yeah right. I htought he looked stoned as he went to school this morning at 9am.
Dh fuming, is now on warpath.
WWYD guys?
On one hand, I used to smoke myself - though not when I was this young - but grew out of it, as you do. plus it never really took over my life iyswim, whereas ds has been such a soner/slacker all through sixth form, done abysmally in exams etc and is worryingly immature and unmotivated.
Dh is much more old-fashioned than me and has never even smoked a cigarette. I fear he will either go down the "that;'s it, we;'re chuicking you out route" or might be bamboozled once again as he is such a straightforward upright sort of guy that I don;'t think he can credit what a liar ds can be these days.
If anyone has been through similar and survived, would be ever so grateful to hear about it. In essence ds a nice guy, albeit terribly young for age and weak-willed. peer pressure I fear is enormous.
Am doubly upset cos v close friend of mine's teenager ended up in mental ward with psychosis recently, suspected to be caused by cannabis.
F*ing kids...

So sorry about all the typos, hands a bit shaking, am really upset and worried for ds, dh and whole family....

Your dh needs perspective on this. I am like you, smoked a few joints whilst at uni, never affected me. But if your dh is clean, never a fag then he will see it differently.
This is not cool. But not the end of the world.
Sounds like it not come as a surprise. what is your sons personality. maybe just a good sit down and plain talking is required. you might need some advice from other parents who have gone trhough this, at a support group, to try and nip it in the bud before it comes an issue?

what age is yourf son? going off on a rant isnt goibg to help anyone, all you can do is face him with some hard facts, he's probably rebelling. have a look through this

It does appear that your DS doesn't consider it a big deal even though it's affecting his schoolwork. Perhaps if you can afford it a reward incentive? No weed for two/three weeks (long enough to regain a clear head, normal sleep patterns and become human again)and an upturn in grades and he gets something he wants (not a bag of weed! sorry.) It would give him the chance to remember what it's like to feel 'normal' day to day again without feeling logy.

Also it might help to find him a 'project'; martial arts? Woodwork? Sorting the garden out for you? Anything where he can see the fruits of his own efforts and regain some motivation.

Welcome to Mumsnet.

Do have a .

i would treat it as a very big deal and an impetus for making major changes. He needs to know it's not acceptable to get stoned in your home, nor go to school in this state. Definitely talk to the experts about how to talk to him about it and steps for going forward, but if it were me I'd advise him that it was now fair game to search his room and clothing for drugs, as he has broken your trust by bringing it into the house.

Hi everyone,
I think Nannynonnobs is a nice idea but short of drug testing him I'm sure he wouldn't be honest with us if we tried to do the "stay off drugs/incentive" thing - basically you can't really believe a word he says on the subject, I fear, he just comes out with whatever will get us off his case. He is a v childish 17 btw.
We don't give him pocket money so he is funding it himself from his p/t job - or maybe (worse) dealing, though I don't think so...
He has just come home, hainving received "Come back at once" text from dh. He went straight to his room and rifled through his cupboard, so will have discovered stash box is missing. Since when he has gone awfully quiet....! I am next door in my office "working from home", think I will not approach him till dh is home, as united front needed, plus I really, really don't know what to say.
Meanwhile DH has gone storming off to talk to ds' friend's parents. This other kid is the one dh blames for "getting my son onto drugs". Which is probably not at all fair, bet they just went into it together, as bad as each other. This couple are close neighbours and friends of ours, but they are very PFB, so I fear the worst...
Yes we could could try a parenting course.
Or are we just going to end up saying "well it's your life, get on with it" and putting up with him smoking dope in our home (and we have 2 younger kids)? Poster who is drugs counsellor, what would you advise?

Apologies - I am rushing so hope this is not too blunt

I think that honesty is the best policy here. Tell him why you are worried, tell him you smoked yourself, tell him how his attitude has changed, tell him that you are not putting up with it at home and you do not find it acceptable to be stoned in the morning. Same as you would not find it acceptable to be drunk first thing in the morning. I would say that (though not in these words) that you will lay off him a bit if he can prove that he is using cannabis sensibly (ie, not in the middle of the day etc) and if he agrees to talk to a drugs worker so he is fully informed.

It will not lead to psychosis but any drug can bring latent psychological problems to the fore.

Part of you may have to accept that this is his drug of choice and in many ways it could be worse. It might take him longer than you want to sort himself out but you do say that his is immature anyway. Make it very clear that he is not allowed to smoke in the house or store any paraphanalia in the house and he is to be extra mindful of his younger siblings. If you are upfront and honest and don't put him in a position to have to lie then he will not need to tell great whoppers. Maybe DH needs to learn some more too.

I have never been a smoker but someone close to me was, big time (at the same age as your DS). He was politely asked to leave school, managed to get an apprenticeship which he was sacked from. spent a couple of years with his own flat smoking a lot, taking acid, e and anything else (within reason) and clubbing. Afte a couple of years he went back to college, did his exams, got a degree, got a great job with the government did that a few years and is now a teacher. Lots of people do it, most don't (like yourself) go on to take any 'harder' drugs and grow out of it. It might just be more painful and frsutrating to watch your own DS do it, sorry.

Don't let DHs anger cloud everything too much and don't let him make threats that he might regret. It is not the end of the world!!!

Good luck and keep us posted.

How much weed was there? Only asking because obviously a huge bag of the stuff would perhaps indicate regular large consumption, whereas a few joints worth might be just that.

The slacker can't-be-arsed behaviour isn't automatically linked to his smoking is all I'm saying. Plenty of teenagers behave like rude, lazy feckers for a while without ever going near a spliff.

Until you know exactly how much he's smoking (tricky, as you can't rely on him telling you the truth) beware of pinning every aspect of any undesirable behaviour on his "habit".

There is nothing more irritating to a teenager than his parents going off the deep end and staging an intervention and forceable rehab over half a magic mushroom that he bought in Camden for a laugh.

ok, i used to smoke plenty at that age. im also a trained substance abuse worker.
first of all get informed - look on the Frank website, the info there will sort the fact from the fiction, and the probable from the improbable.
secondly do not bullsh1t him - ie scare stories will not work. if you tell him he's likely to end up on a psych ward, you will widen the distance between you - he will know plenty of smokers not on psych wards. if you tell him he'll be on smack next, again you deepen that divide as he will know many smokers not on smack.
thirdly - boundaries. this is your home, and you have a right not to have illegal substances brought into it, and consumed within it. also you need to point out and smoking in the morning is a huge no no. point out that although many people do use casually, people really do not have a spliff then go and do a well paid challenging job in the same morning.
while accepting that you may not be able to completely stop him smoking it you can and should assert the boundaries.
he could also do with some advice on where he stands legally if caught etc, it does happen.
best of luck

my DD smoked cannibis and of course, i was horrified!!! that was it, she was obviously going to hell - she was a nightmare at home and we were clashing terribly, so she went to stay with my mum - just in the next road so not far - to be honest, there was other stuff going on that was more of a problem than the cannibis. Anyway - i freaked out, but then stepped back - as people said and you have highlighted yourself, most people who experiment with drugs are doing just htat and dont go on to be junkies.

She was about 16 when this happened, she is 19 now and as far as i know, doesn't do it anymore - she has a drink now and then, but nothing to worry about, she has got a job she likes, and lives with her BF who i call Mr Sensible Shoes!

Definately confiscate his "stash" and tell him if you find it in the house again you will inform the police and MEAN IT! You cant do no more than that really, if he is going to do it, he will - just make him aware of the dangers (but then unless he lives on another planet he should be well aware of the risks) the problem with cannibis is that the strains now are much stronger - tell him you are worried about his behaviour, but to be honest, he sound like a normal obnoxious teenager. He at least has stayed on at school which is brilliant - maybe have a chat with his tutor at school? leave the drugs out of it if you feel they will react badly and ask for a review of his progress.

Soundslike he has 18yo itis to be honest - good like

I agree with others, I am a bit concerned, as I tried to say in my previous post, but not very well, about your sons basic personality and temperment.
I smoked hash and grass occassionally on a night out. smoked some at uni whilst writing my dissertation. Even had a couple of lines of coke aswell.
But never had any at home. never stoned first thing in the morning. was very studious and attended all alevel classes and uni lectures. was regularly rat-arsed pissed aswell.
But yuo never would have known that if you met mye shopping at 2pm on a saturday afternoon , in debenhams, if you see what I mean.
And all this, oh drugs are terrible, drop out , will end up, in ward or no job. well, i disprove all that nonsense.
But what I am trying to say, is that , is he quite ...... non driven, etc anyway. the drugs is only the superficial problem here. the fact that he is easyily influenced and 'hey man i'll get a job and life will be o.k.' - that is much more worrying to me - only becasue i am very definite, non influenced, knew exactly what i wanted, and had 4 jobs , loads of money and made sure i got it.

oh, i am per usual phrasing this all badly. can you see what i'm getting at?
the drugs needs addressing, but his underlying personality and attitude needs more work.

Let us know what happens.

Brilliant advice, secondcoming!

Poor you.
I agree not to threaten with kicking out or anything (not that you have said you would) but you do need to take a hard line. It is really addictive but when you're in there smoking it you don't realise, it's only when you look back (as someone else said). And if you're never really out of the fuzziness you forget what normal is.
I'm probably biased though having had a schizophrenic brother who smoked heavily and is now dead and a dope-smoking step brother who is depressed and angry, raking up issues from years ago.
Keep talking to him as much as you can.

ExP smoked after working as an IT bod every day. He was able to get up and go to work every day (just), but was totally trapped by the mediocrity which his habit caused in him.

Depression, anxiety, lethargy, no ambition, unusual sleep patterns, lack of motivation... I'm sure he could have been able to do much more with his life, had he not been stoned every night. I was never able to convince him that his problems came from smoking weed - he thought that weed was the thing enabling him to cope with how he felt all the time! I really felt like I let him down. It didn't help that I had the odd puff either - I'm such a hypocrite.

He built up such a tolerance that he started to smoke stronger and stronger joints, with less and less effect. When it's a really serious habit, the 'high' giggly feeling goes, and all you're left with is a fuzzy-headed feeling of calm and relaxation. He said it was like how he felt after a really hot bath. Just have a bath, then, FFS!

Sorry - not really helpful!

My middle brother is as corrie and undertone describe. This was always a mystery to me. couldn't grasp why it had affected him like that, but not me.
I always assumed that his personality made him more susceptible to it than me. or is that too simplistic and conceited. luckily he gave up a few years ago.
Now atleast my mum, brother and i don't need to sit through all his wierd distorted memories of our childhood. He used to really upset us all with his very odd viewpoints.

Just has an uncomfortable memory from that of my teenage brother ranting and preaching Rastafarianism to me my dad and stepmother at our once a week tea at our dad's house, with everyone trying to gently disagree.
DSb (40) recently

There are many, many more. But I think my view is too personal and not helpful.

What fulton says.

This is not the end of the world. Heavy handedness by your DH will absolutely not help the matter.

Hi all,
Thanks so much everyone, this is such a help.
You're right, lots of ds's problems are just his personality, v naive and seemingly unable to say no to people. He is a people pleaser, ie actually great around the house, very easy going and kind to younger sibs etc. But when his friends say jump, his immediate response is to ask how high. It's like he has no backbone at all, unable to put himself first.

Now, all you wise people out there, how worried should we be that alongside the dope there was something I've never come across, a cannabis grinder, sort of silver contraption that stores, grinds and seives dope. He says "some bloke gave it to him". It looks expensive/esoteric to me, the sort of thing an evil drug dealer would give to an impressionable kid, before inviting them to try heroin. But maybe I'm worrying unduly, it's just that in my day we kept dope in an old matchbox!

Today ds has been out helping his dad clear the snow and is now entertaining the little dss by playing bowling wii with them. So I guess it ain't all bad...

Grinders are very common within the wide range of weed smoking paraphernalia. I went into a 'head shop' in Greenwich with ExP once, and it was like Halfords in there! There were even these things which looked like a mad scientist's mobile laboratory called 'vaporisers'. Boys and their toys...

Grinders are used to break up compacted green buds into fine bits/dust which are then sprinkled into the tobacco in a joint. Saves having to pick the buds/leaves apart with fingers.