Advice needed - kids n drugs...

[OhGodHereWeGo]

Dh has just found cannabis in ds' room. This comes after about 18 months of battles with ds over slackness at school, don-t-care attitude etc etc. About three weeks ago Facebook sent me a pic of ds smoking a joint, which was kind of them!, ds wriggled off hoiok by saying it was taken six months ago "before I cleaned up my act". though tit was bollocks at time but dh fell for it.
Am guessing his next tactic will be to say stash from months ago too - yeah right. I htought he looked stoned as he went to school this morning at 9am.
Dh fuming, is now on warpath.
WWYD guys?
On one hand, I used to smoke myself - though not when I was this young - but grew out of it, as you do. plus it never really took over my life iyswim, whereas ds has been such a soner/slacker all through sixth form, done abysmally in exams etc and is worryingly immature and unmotivated.
Dh is much more old-fashioned than me and has never even smoked a cigarette. I fear he will either go down the "that;'s it, we;'re chuicking you out route" or might be bamboozled once again as he is such a straightforward upright sort of guy that I don;'t think he can credit what a liar ds can be these days.
If anyone has been through similar and survived, would be ever so grateful to hear about it. In essence ds a nice guy, albeit terribly young for age and weak-willed. peer pressure I fear is enormous.
Am doubly upset cos v close friend of mine's teenager ended up in mental ward with psychosis recently, suspected to be caused by cannabis.
F*ing kids...

There has been some brilliant and realistic advise here. However, I do believe its right to be firm and fair and set the boundaries within your own home. So many young boys seem to be falling into this lifestyle of being permanently stoned, morning, noon and night. As a teacher I have seen numerous from around 13/14 . Some people definately seem to be more prone to developing a habit which can then lead to addiction though and its worth keeping an eye on him in your own home.

Trouble is young people/teens like to bullshit their parents and anyone else who tries to stop them taking their drug of choice. Be firn, you know what he is doing, it is commonplace (but illegal)smoking every day and in the morning is a habit not recreational use. If he loses his job, messes up it will be his fault, his choice and you will support him emotionally but not financially.

Mt brother is an addict now, cannabis did lead to other things!but looking back to when he was 17 and smoking weed in our parents house, they put their head in the sands. They did not understand the facts and ignored it, he took the mick ever since (now 31) borrowing money and eventually stealing. This isn't relevant to your son but make it clear early on that he can not disrespect you ,his dad or your home. Good Luck and keep calm.

I would come at him from all angles, perhaps inform the college/school to watch out for any suspicious behaviour etc. Obviously think about his friends and influences. And to be honest if that was my child I would give him no room for error. Weed is a danger at this age and far to life intrusive for it to be okay.

Alot of people will disagree with my comments but I have spent a time in my life where drugs were involved (proir to child). I think you need to speak to him in a adult way, getting upset (which of course you are) or angry may push your son into being even more secretive and he may end up being pressured by others to try harder drugs. Kicking out or exclusion from the family is giving him permission to get into all sorts of trouble By no means at all am I sayign roll over and do nothing, tell him that smoking doesnt impress others, it makes him insurcure, depressed and withdrawn and that you even did it when you were younger this will most certainly take the "cool" factor away. Ask him why he started - friends, issues problems at school? there is usually a underlying reason for drug use. Please please make him aware that grass often has chemicals sprayed onto it or even tiny glass charreds to increase the weight, and solid (hash) is often cut with shoe polish and rubber this should make him sit up and listen - your knowledge of cannabis will help you discuss why and what he should do
I truely hope that you are able to encourage him that it is not helping him but quite the opposite and that he will be much better without it

Warning qwuite a long one - sorry.
Thank you all so much for your good advice. DH had quite a sane sensible talk with ds yday along the lines of all your thoughts here and I hoped we might be getting somewhere.
Then today, dd1 (19) rang her part-time job and heard that ds had phoned in sick - he also works there after school. We got hold of him and he said he was at the doctor's (in our local town) having an appointment.
Dh rang the doctors where they rather indiscreetly said ds hadn't been in and had no such appointment.
Then Ds said his friend was going to drop him home - dh said no, as is too snowy, and we would come and get him from our local town square. When dh got there, ds not there, natch, but came sprinting towards him some minutes later. He said he'd "seen a locum" re an ear infection...then dh told him he know he was lying, and ds was gobsmacked into silence, came home and went straight to his room.
God knows where he actually was while all this was going on... or what he was doing. Haven't had a chance to ascertain whether he seems stoned or not.
He is now being talked to by dd1 who is exasperated with him too, so we are leaving her to it for now. He is in floods of tears, dh says, whcih in a way is kind of good as suggests actual remorse. I think he might listen more to her than us, they were always v close till all this crap started.
Realise this is probably about more than drugs. but what would you do. How can we live with someone who is clearly not sharing our values at all, and is messing his own life up at the same time. He is only still at school by the skin of his teeth as it is, and only has p/t job cos they are family friends who run the shop...
Do we have to let him hit the bottom and decide for himself - or can we in some way force, persuade him to see things differently?
I feel like Julie Meyerson...

Be reassured that this is reasonably standard behaviour for a boy of his age (to a greater or lesser extent) and it's likely to just be a phase, if handled correctly perhaps...

Most teenagers have a demotivated, hedonistic period where studies take a backseat and they go off doing things behind their parents back. Some kids get into clubbing and take pills, some binge-drink, some sit in an available bedroom and smoke pot. I don't know about everybody else but I did lots of things I wouldn't have wanted my old-fashioned parents to have seen and often said I was going to x or y and would actually be at z. Doesn't make it any easier when you come to deal with it as a parent and I'm dreading it.

The problem you have is that he clearly enjoys smoking weed and not only is it the foundation of his social life (it so often is with boys...all their friends do it and it becomes an integral part of, say, playing computer games) but he has a real habit if he's stoned in the morning. Short of grounding him, denying him contact with his friends and then planting him into a completely different social group, he will realistically continue to smoke weed whether you like it or not. Can't smoke at home? He'll smoke just before/during/just after school.

I think a very, very honest and calm, non-judgemental conversation about his habit is required. It is relevant how much he had - although there are different strains, an eight of skunk is different from half an ounce...likewise, an eight of resin is different from an eight of skunk. Somebody who buys a large quanitity of weed is likely to smoke regularly and heavily and is apparently trying to ensure they don't run out. The worrying thing about modern weed-smoking is that it is so much stronger than previous generations there are much greater risks with regards to mental health. I wonder if he's aware of these? You could show him some information with the disclaimer of, "I'm not preaching or being hysterical but I'm your mum and I love you and I do worry about these health-related aspects of smoking weed." So many young people have the brazen attitude of 'it won't happen to me' and moderation isn't a concept they can grasp.

Could you live with his habit if he cut down greatly and you were very aware of what he was doing, where he was going and how much he was smoking? A total honesty policy. I just don't know how you will get him to quit entirely and perhaps the best to wish for at this stage is some sort of compromise and a greater balance between what he enjoys doing (smoking weed and relaxing with friends) and what he needs to pay more attention to (his studies, general motivation and his job).

Poor you Op. It is kind of impossible to know how much of his lying/shutting you out of his life, is normal teenage behaviour or how much of it is related to drugs or any other more serious issue. You don't want to alienate him any further by blowing this out of proportion. Yet if it is more serious that we think, we would be kicking ourselves it we didn't approach it more strictly now.
What an impossible situation.
I am so sorry I don't know what to advise.
can only offer a listening ear to listen to your woes.
We are here for you. Anything more I am not sure I can advise.