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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have told another 5 year old off at a party for hitting my ds?

34 replies

blardyfreezing · 05/01/2010 22:31

Was at a kids' party on Saturday and a child from ds's class started hitting him and pushing him during the disco bit. Totally unprovoked but I guess they're four/ five and these things happen so I don't want to make a huge deal of it.

I left it at first thinking ds needs to learn to fight his own battles (hopefully not literally) but this boy carried on so I intervened. I calmly told the other boy not to hit ds and scooped up the crying ds out of the way to a corner to calm him down as he was upset.

Did I do the right thing or was I being overprotective?

I know a few mums mentioned it to the teaching assistant and am a bit worried this is because they think I over reacted or something or would it be because the boy concerned has a bit of a track record of this and they wanted to make her aware of it?

I have name changed in case any of the mums from ds's class is a MNetter!

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 05/01/2010 22:33

What else could you do? You stayed calm and polite, that was fine.

odisco · 05/01/2010 22:34

How is that overprotective? Perhaps teach him how to walk away sooner but good on him for not fighting back. I'd be happy for it to be mentioned to the teaching assistant so if there is a problem in the classroom then they are 'primed'.

Where was his mother/father during all this?

Coldhands · 05/01/2010 22:35

I think you reacted in the right way. You didn't make a huge deal but you couldn't leave your DS to keep getting hit. You weren't being overprotective, particularly if this boy has a redutation for this sort of behaviour. I wouldn't have put up with it.

JaynieB · 05/01/2010 22:37

I think I would do the same.

Original poster

blardyfreezing · 05/01/2010 22:38

Ds far too wimpy to hit back and not his style.
Second time that I know of this boy has done something like this to him. I want him watched closely at school as otherwise it might start putting ds off going.

Mother was nowhere to be seen at the party until the end.

I know it's pretty normal to drop reception age kids off at parties but if I knew my son had a track record of doing this sort of thing (which he does), I'd be going and watching him like a hawk. Most of the kids did have a parent who stayed so she wouldn't have been the only one.

Dh said I should have said something to the mum when she picked him up but there was no way I was doing that. Did not feel appropriate at all.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 05/01/2010 22:38

I think you did the right thing too... Hard to see what else you could have done.

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 22:39

YANBU you were polite and calm, i would not stand back and watch my dc get hit and beaten, its the mamma tiger in me. If a child does something wrong they have to be corrected, gosh its got to the stage where children can do no wrong and children know their rights but not responsibilities.

TigerDrivesAgain · 05/01/2010 22:39

I think you did the right thing and shouldn't worry about it. You were lucky you didn't have the other child's mum giving you an ear bashing though

shockers · 05/01/2010 22:43

I would say ( and have often said) "please don't do that, it isn't kind". I then try to engage both children so that other mum doesn't think I'm picking on hers

Original poster

blardyfreezing · 05/01/2010 22:46

Am still trying to work out how the teaching assistant heard about it though. Is this the sort of thing other parents would mention at school? Just curious as I can't see how she'd have heard about it.

OP posts:

Dawnybabe · 05/01/2010 22:47

I'd have done a bit more than just calmly tell him off, I'd have raised my voice to get everyone's attention, including his mothers, and made him realise he was in the wrong.

There are far too many little shits in this world getting away with awful behaviour because their parents daren't tell them off and neither does anyone else. Grrrr.....

neveronamonday · 05/01/2010 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shockers · 05/01/2010 22:51

Maybe they told the TA because they are all concerned about this child's behaviour and thought that, as another parent had acknowledged it, maybe she could pass it on at school?

Casmama · 05/01/2010 22:51

Parents probably just gossiping with the teaching assistant -I wouldn't assume an agenda of any sort. I think you did exactly the right thing and admire your self control. If anything it maybe worthwhile for you to have a quick word with the TA so she can keep an eye on this boy.

shockers · 05/01/2010 22:51

How old are they?

WingedVictory · 05/01/2010 22:56

Oh, so the other mums tried to get the TA to do their dirty work (intimidation) for them?

You are perfectly reasonable to intervene in a situation which was unpleasant for your DS. I don't understand why some people think no-one has the "right" to tell of their children.... particularly if they b** off and don't supervise, as you described. If anyone ever has a go at you directly, you can use the charge of hypocrisy with a very clear conscience!

I am also often stunned by some reactions I get in the park when I tell off DS for shoving - "oh, it's all right, etc." Don't these mother care about their children? DS once gave a kid a shove near the top of a ladder, and I was so horrified I took him home rather than risk another shove (also, didn't want him to "enjoy himself" like that!) I know, he sounds lovely, doesn't he? And I don't want him to stay this way!

Well done for bring so calm, by the way.

WingedVictory · 05/01/2010 23:00

Oh, dear, I meant:

don't these mothers care about their children.

tell off your children.

being so calm

Sorry for the typos!

FultonMcKay · 05/01/2010 23:20

YANBU - I think you should have said something to his mum though if you had the chance ('specially with so many other gossipy mummies around). All you would have to say is "Hi - just wanted to let you know that X and Y had a little disagreement earlier and Y hit X so I had to split them up". I know that there are some harridens out there but the majority of us would apologise to you and make sure that the child apologised to the other kid. This way, if anything else does happen you are on friendly terms with the mummy. Children, especially boys, of this age very often push each other, hit each other and get their fists out when they are frustrated. It is perfectly normal and part of learning to deal with conflict. It is not always a reflection on parenting prowess

Original poster

blardyfreezing · 05/01/2010 23:26

re "think you did exactly the right thing and admire your self control. If anything it maybe worthwhile for you to have a quick word with the TA so she can keep an eye on this boy."

Ha ha re self control, I did have to hold back a bit as my natural instinct was to shout get off my ds at him!!

Shocker - they are four/five (reception age).

This boy seems to have some issues going on as the TA wasn't remotely surprised.

Fulton - it really was totally unprovoked as I was sitting very nearby. The kids were all dancing and this boy decided to just push and hit poor ds. Not surprising ds was a bit upset as he was just minding his own business.

My first AIBU where no one has said I ABU. . Does show a bit of a lack of confidence that I had to ask I suppose but I really wasn't sure.

OP posts:

claig · 05/01/2010 23:29

you were absolutely right, I personally would have stepped in earlier than you did as well. I agree with Dawnybabe, I would not have been polite about it.
I would have also mentioned it to the TAs or teachers or whoever and asked them to have a word with the other child's mother. Someone other than you should have got the other child to apologize.

Original poster

blardyfreezing · 05/01/2010 23:33

Thinking about it, I think Shockers you might be right re how she heard about it. Maybe if one of the other mum's kids had been one of this boy's 'victims' in the past, she will have mentioned it.

There's always one isn't there....actually I was this kid when I was little as I used to hit out at children when I was about five. And I turned out okay. Kind of.

OP posts:

shockers · 06/01/2010 00:03

A lot of us did blardy

CardyMow · 06/01/2010 01:28

I had an awful incident at my 6yo DS2's party. There were about 15 children in a hall, 10 of the parents stayed, but the others left. Three of the girls were in the toilets (all their parents hadn't stayed), and one came out in fits of tears...turned out one of the other girls had told her she was going to shoot her daddy in front of her and then shoot her in the eyeballs!! (this was from a 5 yo girl to a 6yo girl!). I thought nothing of insisting that the girl apologised to the other one, and telling all the parents involved as well when they came to pick up their 'DC'. I just couldn't believe it. Aparrently the 5yo was upset at the fact that her dad had stopped seeing her, so she wanted to shoot everyone else's dad's?? (that was the story from this darling girl's mother). Some children really do make you .

ChippingIn · 06/01/2010 07:50

Absolutely not. I'll tell any kid off - real 70's style parenting here! Of course, I'd tell them off much more gently than my own, but they'd know they were in the wrong.

I wouldn't have said anything to the Mother unless I knew her, once told off it's over. I'd also have told my DS to give the kid a wide berth in future.

bubblagirl · 06/01/2010 07:57

i always intervene and say play nicely with each other or not at all then i will leave ds there if nothing changes i walk ds away and tell him if somebody doesn't play nice walk away and find another friend

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