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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Second time aroun

32 replies

Kirkers · 05/01/2010 15:47

I met my dp June 05. He had been separated since 5 August 04. We have been together since then. Since I got together with him, ds and I have been excluded from all their family gatherings for the sake of his children aged, now, 19, 23 and 24. My son, now aged 12, has watched this since 2005. NOW; because more than 5 years have passed, he is finally getting divorced. Now I am invited finally to his family gatherings. AIBU to think (if not acually say) Take a Hike? We have managed the lonely Christmas's, and being treated like a marriage breaker, which I am not; see dates. Thanks allxx.

OP posts:

nannynobnobs · 05/01/2010 15:57

We're supposed to say take the high road, show his family just what they've been missing and why your dp loves you by being kind and friendly... But I'd be really annoyed with them too! Why are you now good enough because of an arbitrary legal procedure? You and your ds are humans with feelings.

nannynobnobs · 05/01/2010 15:59

Was his xw refusing to divorce him? Was he the marriage breaker? (its clear it was not you) they could have been punishing him in a roundabout way for moving on from his 'old' life.

Original poster

Kirkers · 05/01/2010 16:07

Thank you Nancy, for answering. I feel as though I have just put down what has been my life since June 05. He had never been unfaithful, he does admit that he feels desparately guilty about being/getting divorced. I have been treated exactly as if I had broken his marriage which is why the dates are so crucially important; he was separated Aug 5th 2004; 10 months before I met him. Thanks anyway Nancy. I am ridiculously nice in organising his own dates with his own children, own parents, etc etc. It's that, after all these years, I don't want some random legality suddenly deciding I am human. And my son has watched his mother being ostacised. And now, the big change...

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 05/01/2010 16:08

So, you want to continue being excluded?

mrsjammi · 05/01/2010 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Kirkers · 05/01/2010 16:14

Well, soupdragon, and thanks for answering, and very much at the risk of BU, I would not go. I fear I would be sarcastic. Once I was made to sit outside a family gathering in case anyone caught sight of me and I do fear that that experience is etched. I think I kinda thought at the time (April 07) 'Well, don't come running to me for a Walton's set when you finally get legally divorced. Am v possibly being u here but it Has Been four and a half years of this.

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harimosmummy · 05/01/2010 16:14

I suppose it's relevant to ask: Did his family / children know he was separated?

I mean: Was it formal? A formal (agreed through solicitors) separation? Or had he just moved out? it could be that his ex has said she had no idea or that they believe that you were on the scene and he just kept it quiet until a reasonable time had elapsed (I know people who have done this) = I am not saying that this applies to you... I hope that makes sense!

if they had a judicial separation, then it makes sense that he would have had to wait 5 years for the divorce. Are there religious / cultural reasons a divorce would not be acceptable?

As to your question though: No, YANBU... But, if you don't want to go / be invited, then you should say that and stand by it.

How do you think / feel his family will treat you (and, crucially, your son) ? If I felt I / my DC would be treated in such a fashion, I would continue to keep my distance.

ThumbleBells · 05/01/2010 16:16

So - his family refused to invite you, despite knowing the situation, because he wasn't legally divorced? Have I got that right? Or was it his choice that you didn't go along? Did they still invite the now-exW then? Bunch of nutters, if you ask me but your DP could have stood up to them.

I dunno - I totally understand your feelings but you would be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you refuse to go now. I think I'd reserve going along for only the most important events though.

LIZS · 05/01/2010 16:20

I'm with TB , wondering why dp didn't assert himself more if he wanted you included. Maybe it suited him not to have you there , avoiding the awkward questions and comments?

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 05/01/2010 16:20

You don't need to love them. You didn't make any committment to a relationship with them, but with your dp. But in the interest of family harmony within your relationship, it may be as well to just accept what they are able to offer, without being grateful or resentful - just neutral. Gracious, I suppose.

Who knows how they felt about your dp's ex. Perhaps it has taken time for them to come to terms with the changes in his life. The random legality does make a difference to some people.

People can think in very weird ways: my mum struggled to accept that I was pregnant without being married. Once I got married it was all right, so, as far as she is concerned, my first pregnancy only lasted 5m! She can't see that I find that attitude hurtful - what difference does a random legality make? I just have to let it slide and try to ignore such silliness.

Original poster

Kirkers · 05/01/2010 16:22

Harimo; yes, the family knew he moved out because it caused tremendous upset all round, but this is all before I knew they existed. He has not been loyal to me. This has been the only only source of arguments. And now, conveniently, we are meant to forget all about it. And yes, ds has been severely affected, which is fcuking pertinent. Thank you all.

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scottishmummy · 05/01/2010 16:23

depends whether you actually want to be included in their family do's or have they treated you so badly that you both chose to not be involved

realistically,can you all tolerate social gatherings together or will there always be a simmering resentment and undercurrent.if you have,managed without them thus far what will change by being cohesive with them

what is dp take on all of this?

depends whether you wish to put previous bad treatment aside and start anew.and whether they too are gracious

shame it even came to this.really very petty of them

Pikelit · 05/01/2010 16:24

YANBU. I'm quite sure his children would be horrified to discover they weren't able to be trusted with the quite reasonable knowledge that he had a new relationship. I also feel very sad for you and your ds. You will have been worth a great deal more than being kept hidden like a horrid guilty secret.

But do you want to finish the relationship? I'd feel very mixed, it has to be said, but ultimately you are the only person who can know whether there were adequate (or at least forgivable) reasons for your dp's behaviour. Although having seen your son hurt, I'd not be up for giving this man any further chances.

harimosmummy · 05/01/2010 16:25

If he had a judicial separation, then there is nothing that can be done for 5 years without both parties consenting.

my (now) DH had a judicial separation. His (then) wife said that she wanted to formally separate and he didn't think to argue / question that.

So, (if that's the case) that would explain why the DP couldn't get a divorce.

If there are religious / cultural reasons why his family would require a divorce / remarriage before accepting a new relationship, then again, that would account for the behaviour.

If that is the case, then there may well be no reason that the family would not welcome the new partner.

But, I think I would feel cautious about it. As I said, my DH had a judicial sep, so we were together for a long time before his divorce came through, but his family were always totally accepting of me.

Original poster

Kirkers · 05/01/2010 16:26

BTW, his x has dictated that I have to get out of the car before we drop of ds, in case she catches sight of me. And he has gone along with this until, suddenly, it's all, full frontal lobotomies all round. The last time I was ordered out of the car was Nov 08. Haven't seen them since then. But they are now all grown up, one in action in Afghanistan (guess who has sent a weekly parcel since Sept). My own ds is now 12.

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scottishmummy · 05/01/2010 16:28

jesus wept your husband needs to grow a spine and not be hen pecked by his ex wife.why did he acquiescence to his family and ex wife so readily

harimosmummy · 05/01/2010 16:30

Yep... I have had to do that too... She couldn't cope with the sight of me in the car - even though she knew full well the kids had been with me for the last however many days (often at her insistence) The difference for me, though, is the kids (at the time) were preschoolers.

Yours are adults.

BIG BIG difference.

I'd keep a wide berth, to be honest - for your own sake and the sake of your DS.

In fact, I think I'd be questioning the whole relationship, but I appreciate that this might the only problem in an otherwise good relationship.

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine · 05/01/2010 16:32

YANBU. All of my DH's siblings split up with their partners when they had young children and their new partners were accepted into the family whether there was an overlap or not. The attitude was, "You love your new partner and so will we". DH's family has also gone to great lengths to maintain contact with the 'old' partners and it has all worked out very well over time.

It is admirable that your DP makes his DC's happiness a priority, but I can well understand your anger about being excluded when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Are his family deeply, deeply religious?

Trifle · 05/01/2010 16:33

Were you only ever excluded when it involved his children? What about meeting his parents/siblings etc when none of his children were present, did that ever happen? Have you and your ds spent Christmas day alone for the last 5 years because he spent it with his children? If you have met his family (apart from ex and kids), how did they treat you? Do you think his family have taken their cue from your dp and gone along with what he wants rather than impose their own restrictions?

pooexplosions · 05/01/2010 16:45

And why exactly have you put up with being treated like shit for so long? You have allowed yourself to be put in this position and you have allowed your child to grow up thinking this is acceptable.
Why are you with a man who thinks so little of you?

Original poster

Kirkers · 05/01/2010 16:50

I am very grateful to all who have responded.

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Original poster

Kirkers · 05/01/2010 16:54

Thank you, Poo Exclusions. I have put up with it in some bizarre hope that things might be fine, and I have to be nice. DP has actually told me that he is surprised at my displeasure because he thought I was a nice person. My actual thoughts run along the same lines as Poo's, but I have tried to hide it to be ..........'nice'.
For Somebody Else's Children. (now adults; hence the famiglia)..

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ThumbleBells · 05/01/2010 17:03

For "nice" you could use "mug", "sap", "compliant" in your DP's sentiment. What he means is he has got away with this treatment of you for this long, why are you kicking up about it now?

Good on you for trying to keep the peace and make it work - but I don't think I would have put up with it for more than one year.

MrsSawdust · 05/01/2010 17:08

I think you have put up with this for far too long. I think your dp implying that you are not a nice person because you don't appreciate being hidden away like some dirty little secret is appalling. I would seriously question his attitude on this point.

I would personally be tempted to stay away from his family. If you and your son weren't good enough for 5 whole years, why should you be good enough now? Why should you appear to be grateful for the few crumbs you're being offered now? Fuck em. And have a bloody strong word with your dp. How dare he make you feel as if your relationship is something shameful?

scottishmummy · 05/01/2010 18:16

dp wasn't coerced into your relationship yet treats you like a shameful secret.given you are about to marry id say a few candid words about respect and boundary setting are necessary

also we maybe get the treatment we allow ourselves to have.what i mean is if you allow him to treat you this way,he will.if you are so unhappy then tell him.but dont put up with it or it sends message it is acceptable way to treat you

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