Is this person being unreasonable to be annoyed at sleeping DH?

[PavlovtheCat]

morning! Let me describe a situation to you and you tell me if you think this woman is being unreasonable.

There is a woman who has a newborn baby, and a toddler of 3.5years old. She is, of course, on maternity leave and her DH does a lot to help out in the day, he cooks lunch, looks after the toddler, attempts to clean and do some of the washing, although not all of it. She is breastfeeding her baby around every 2 hours or so normally, including through the night, but currently her baby is a bit poorly so he is feeding less, and therefore she is also expressing, which takes more time. For the last 2 nights, she has hardly had any sleep because her baby has been choking on his coughs and last night was sick a few times. She got up this morning at 6:50am when her toddler woke up, and took her just fed baby into the front room, where he played and smiled for a while before being given medicine and then dozed off.

DH is unemployed. He works hard to keep the house tidy and he looks after their DD when the woman is feeding and otherwise preoccupied with baby. In the evening, he has the time to himself after he has cooked dinner. Most mornings, he gets up with DD, which is at the moment around 7:30am, apart from this morning. He tends to huff and puff a bit, but does it nonetheless, and occasionally gets up earlier with DD if she is up. Yesterday afternoon, he went to visit a friend as he needed a break. Last night, he stayed up late playing the x-box. In the night, when the baby was being sick, he did not stir and had to be asked to find a muslin or wetwipes to clear it up (not much, over the womans neck mostly). He did this and goes back to sleep. This morning, when DD got up he said he wanted to stay in bed. He is still in bed.

Is this woman being unreasonable to complain that she is up with both the children (one of whom is asleep) after sleeping not very much at all for several nights? Or is she being a bit spoilt and expecting too much?

They must both be so tired.

I hope everyone can treat other with some patience & love. They both sound like they need a lot of support right now.

As usual the DH could do more to help, but on the other hand there are so many women with no DH or DP around to help.

I think DH needs a little 'encouragement' and a reminder that bringing up a child is both people's work, not just the mother and the woman needs a bit more support.

SINBU The DH isn't being much of a parent or husband, he's acting like a 14 year-old boy. The DW is in no way spoiled imho.

Does the woman have a lie-in (sometimes)?

I dont think either are BU, both are tired, and its shocking how different things are with a new baby and a toddler.

The woman does get 'lie-ins' yes. She gets to stay in bed with the baby and doze when he has not slept through. Usually. But the baby is feeding 2 hourly through the night so does not ever get more than 1.5 hours sleep in one stretch. Baby is also a night owl currently.

I don't think either is being unreasonable either.

An occasional lie-in for the DH is OK if he really does pull his weigh the rest of the time.

However, he has probably chosen the wrong morning to claim his lie-in given the bad night had by the DW.

If he is around the rest of the time, does the DW not get to sleep whilst the baby is sleeping during the day, which most of us don't manage when we have a newborn and a toddler. If she doesn't normally claim the right, when he is up, she should claim the right today.

Oh you poor thing Pavlov (I guess this is about you?). Sleep deprivation is the worst thing about having a newborn baby. YANBU to expect your DH to be out of bed by now and helping out.

I am guessing though that in 3 months' time I will be writing a very similar OP. I have a 2.4 yr old DD1 and am expecting DD2 in March. DH is not currently in any formal work and the man is still in bed, even though I was up at 1am and then 5.30am with DD (who normally sleeps brilliantly, but her sleep has been a bit distubed recently), I have (yet another - 4th in 6 weeks) cold and I am 29 weeks pregnant. I am seriously, seriously pissed off with him. And I know it'll just get worse when the new baby comes along. DH is normally pretty good, but I could burst into tears about this just now.

Pav, YASINBU!!!!

Send DD to jump on him!

yes it is me! I wrote it in the third person to try to gain some perspective, see things more objectively and to try to be impartial in how i wrote it (not very well!).

On the one hand i expect him to do everything while he is not working and let me enjoy what most other women do not get to do. But then, on the other hand, he is not my servant, and he is allowed to enjoy his life too and I do not want him to become resentful for being the 'dogsbody'.

So, i have decided to let him 'have' this one, without a fuss. I am even making him a cuppa. He has a crying baby now after DD woke him to tell him it has been snowing, and when he gets his cuppa, he will get a bottle of expressed milk to give to him. DH seems in a good mood, and I will be too.

Any more days like this when I have not slept and I will not be happy, but maybe this will give him some momentum to continue without grumping about it .

Rindercella I so feel for you, I was there in pregnancy too, as he was out of work then. I have had many threads moaning about it. For the most part, it is all good. Just nights like last night make me wake up grumpy!

No, at this point he should be out of bed. He had a break yesterday afternoon and chose to stay up late last night.

Given that she's been up most of the night, he should be trading off now to give her a break.

If he was working I'd feel differently, but he's not. He's had a good few hours now - trade off time.

You're probably both being very reasonable, just tired, stressed about him not being in work, stressed about baby being ill, feeling rubbish because of cold horrible miserable weather. Sit and have a nice relaxing day, sod the housework, drink tea and eat biscuits then take the kids in the garden to build a snowman!

I think you both sound as if you work hard in the home and with your kids. I think though that he should get up in the mornings, because you are up numerous times in the night. I think that's only fair. But occasionally, everyone needs a lie in so if this is a very occasional thing for him then yes I think you're right to let him 'have' this one. You are dealing with a toddler and a newborn, there IS no more tiring time in life imho so it is very good to be kind and appreciative to each other. It's all about balance isn't it.

I think you need to go out in the snow and make yourself tired form something else.
Sometimes a diferent kind of tiredness can be a good thing. Bear with me, if you are sleep deprived and then do a little physical excerise i.e. have a family snowball fight, then you can sleep better.
Although I do reccomend you inform dh that as you need some sleep today that you will not be disturbed when catching up.

Pavlov, it is one thing for a DH to claim a lie-in when he has been up late looking after the baby (DH used to do this - keep the baby with him downstairs till gone midnight to let me get some sleep, but then sleep late in the morning), it is quite another when he has been up late playing computer games! I think you are being saintly very nice to let him have this one, but he is not playing fair, IMHO.

Hope the baby feels better soon, and that you both find a way to get some sleep over the next few days.

But I think it's about give and take. this is a father whose daily routine is to look after toddler, cook and attempt to clean do housework, and to get up with the toddler first in the mornings.

From what I can gather this lie in is an occasional thing and I think we all have to do that now and again as part of appreciating eachother and acknowledging that having baby/toddler/sleep deprivation is damn hard. I don't see that one evening out with a friend and some time playing a computer game, as a one off ocurrence, is bad. People have to let off steam.

So long as Pavlov gets a bit of time later to re charge then it's striking me as fine.

I would say that he could have waited a few days until the baby was better to play the xbox. As he is unemployed, there are certainly other times here and there that he could play. Choosing to play a long time in the evening (thus obviously not helping her with the baby while he is playing), not really helping at night, then expecting a long lie-in... especially knowing she is so exhausted... it's mean to push all the responsibility on her. It sounds like he has been pulling his weight for the most part, just had a "brain-fart" moment and didn't stop to think that it wasn't the best time to opt out for a video game night.

We have a 3yo and a 5 month old, and I wouldn't have a problem with DH playing the xbox for a bit, but if he chose to play it late, and then didn't get much sleep due to helping at night and getting up early in the morning with 3yo, then I'd say that is HIS choice and he'll just have to deal with the lack of sleep. My DH is generally pretty good about this kind of thing (the sleep issue), but I will say that sometimes because I seem to be coping fine on the surface, he doesn't realise how tired I really am or how little sleep I'm functioning on. Best thing seems to be to simply tell him "sorry, but I'm exhausted - this isn't going to work - you need to do...." and then outline what needs to be done - whether it be taking over the kids while I take a nap, or whatever. Otherwise I tend to keep struggling until I have a meltdown.. which isn't usually pretty.

"yes it is me! I wrote it in the third person to try to gain some perspective, see things more objectively and to try to be impartial in how i wrote it (not very well!).

On the one hand i expect him to do everything while he is not working and let me enjoy what most other women do not get to do. But then, on the other hand, he is not my servant, and he is allowed to enjoy his life too and I do not want him to become resentful for being the 'dogsbody'.

So, i have decided to let him 'have' this one, without a fuss. I am even making him a cuppa. He has a crying baby now after DD woke him to tell him it has been snowing, and when he gets his cuppa, he will get a bottle of expressed milk to give to him. DH seems in a good mood, and I will be too.

Any more days like this when I have not slept and I will not be happy, but maybe this will give him some momentum to continue without grumping about it hmm grin."

Ah Pavlov, the above really touched me - you sound incredibly reasonable and wise, especially considering how sleep deprived you are! I think you've handled the situation brilliantly, probably avoiding a needless row. You're still a team, and you've banked lots of moral brownie points for next time you're not feeling so charitable. Enjoy the snow with your family x

Oh, and I thought PreRaphaeliteGirl's advice was really lovely

agree with you, Lucianne

get mother/father, friend, neighbour round.

express a bottle.

get both yer arses into bed and sleep.

his lie in is an occasional thing. the x-box, he plays most nights! he just doesn't get a lie in the next day| Unfortunately for him he is a night owl himself, always has been, so if he is not on the x-box, he will be up doing something or other til gone midnight. I have tried endlessly over the years to explain, say for example if DD has been ill in the night, or when she went through a getting up at 5am phase if he came to bed earlier at night, he would not struggle to deal in the morning, but he just cannot/will not do it. Unless he is ill. Which again to be fair he is not very often, so when he is, i give him some slack (not much though ).

He is now up, in the shower (before me hmm]) and then we are going to a friend's house for a cuppa. She has a HUGE garden with virgin snow, so DD will run wild there for a while (we have a yard with old doors and some rubble, covered in snow, not an ideal playground for a toddler!). He said thanks for his lie-in. So yes, i have some brownie points

Thanks for the both sides of the coin everyone. Nice to hear both as this was for a change a genuine AIBU, not a chance for you all to blow smoke up my ass!

2 children, 2 adults = one each

The breastfeeding mother needs to be getting up with the newborn, so the toddler is the father's responsibility. He gets up when she gets up. If he's knackered from playing x-box all night, that's tough shit. Same as if he had to go to work the next day after staying up all night.

THANK YOU Lucianne3

!!!

skidoodle see one part of me thinks like that (the grumpy part i think) but the other part of me thinks he needs to be treated well too as it is hard for him to not be working, and he does do lots around the house, stuff he hates doing, stuff he is not good at, and he is a househusband through no choice of his own (he wants to be working) and I need him happy and on my side. So, i felt, this lie-in, if it does that, shows him i love him and respect him and appreciate his help despite being tired, then we can get through this tough time and despite him playing on x-bos til the wee hours.

lucianne3 i am not wise! Just trying hard to avoid arguments, and keep harmony in our family unit! As preraphaelitegirl said 'patience and love' (i shall steal that if ok with you )

It's a gift PavlovtheCat!

Wish I could help more!

DH just said to me while I was having a shower 'looking sexy there babe'. So, this being nice business is clearly paying off already