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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really think that my mother ought to be able to understand the concept of working from home

34 replies

duchesse · 04/01/2010 17:42

She's driving me flipping NUTSO!!! She's been here since Boxing Day and that whole time I've been trying to get some work done. She seems to think that because I don't physically go out to work that what I do can't be that important. Every time I sit down to translate this flipping document she starts talking to me, asking me questions, consulting me on minutiae regarding meals and I swear I'm going to explode if she carries on. My wonderful au pair is away until tomorrow, and there is no way in the world that my mother is anything like a replacement for her. She KNOWS I'm supposed to be working because I keep saying I need to do some work, but will she bloody help me? Will she hell! Eve my bloody husband seems to think that working from home means I can look after the baby at the same time.

AAAAARRRRRRGH! I've had to throw a massive strop and shut myself in my bedroom just to get a little time unmolested by children or mother. Why don't they JUST understand?

OP posts:
lucyellensmumagain · 04/01/2010 17:48

hard for you - i had similar with my mother when i was trying to write up my PhD, it was a disaster - i didnt even have any lo's at home at the time - i was pregnant.

Difficult for your children to understand though - it will be better when your au pair comes though as she will keep them properly occupied.

Good luck x

Heqet · 04/01/2010 17:49

Bugger, isn't it?

Do you have a space in the house that can be designated The Office? Preferably with a lock on the door?

Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2010 17:51

LEM- the older ones are 12, 14 and 16 and certainly ought to understand but they seem to be on their own trajectory at the moment. It's brilliant that you got your PhD done despite her... I think they just don't understand what we do. My mother interprets what I do as "sitting in front of the computer all day" and is quite dismissive of what I do which pisses me off royally.

OP posts:
SerenityNowAKABleh · 04/01/2010 17:52

It may be a generational thing. I once tried working from home at my parents house, and they didn't get the concept either. My DM kept on trying to feed me and get me to have tea breaks. It was VERY annoying.

I agree that you should find a room with a lock. Preferably sound-proofed.

Heqet · 04/01/2010 17:53

I suppose if you get totally fed up of people dismissing your work, you could always point at it and say "When I finish this, they are going to pay me £X! £X. Pay. Me.!!!!!!!" and give them a really hard stare.

I'm not sure that's very helpful, but sometimes don't you just want to really just be blunt to people?

Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2010 17:56

I actually earn a pretty fair amount of money from doing this, but my mother doesn't seem to compute that with actually taking it seriously and not just doing it in my spare time. She seems to equate it with a hobby/ ancillary activity, whereas I actually have to be pretty organised about how and when I work to be able to offer the right level of professionalism to my clients. I manage to reach a pretty good balance most of the time but I am having one of those crunch moments this week and I'm pretty stressed with a large document and a deadline of Monday.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 04/01/2010 17:57

mine are just the same, and similar ages. heqet the office idea doesn't work i'm afraid - or not in this house. i've had to supervise rock cake making and diffuse arguments in the middle of audioconferneces -i live in dread of making mistake with secrecy button and telling people to go away on audio in not great language

lucyellensmumagain · 04/01/2010 17:58

Get a shed?? (well posh home office thingamajig - have set dinner breaks?) When will your DM be leaving, because my mother never got it, ever. Still does it, she will turn up, i might be mid email - i'll be like - i just need to send this and there she will be YAP YAP YAP!! I just want two sodding minutes to think what i am sending to someone instead of typing out whatever drivel about her next door neighbours cat she is spouting!!

Heqet · 04/01/2010 18:05

Dreaming, I know. It's hard. When we had the business, we started off working from the spare bedroom - that was rubbish. Then we converted the garage into an office and that was much better, felt like a proper office but still easy to be distracted. Still it wasn't until we rented space in an office block that it actually felt like a business. There is something about getting ready and leaving your home that focuses the mind. When we worked from home, I quite often did so in my pjs . It doesn't put you in the working frame of mind, iyswim.

abra1d · 04/01/2010 18:06

I hsve this all the time. Mainly in the form of SILs phoning me because they can't call my husband as he's 'at work'.

Apparently it's all right to interrupt my working day because I work from home.

I have to be quite blunt and almost hang up on them sometimes.

Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2010 18:07

dreaming- I can so totally relate to what you're saying, and LEM. Most of the time it works really well, but it's like Matrix. The clients think you're in a swish office when you're actually sitting there in your pijjies with your feet on the dog struggling to preserve the pretence that you are in fact V V professional and organised. Just sometimes the real world spills into the pretend one. LEM, I dream of a shed but DH thinks the house is quite big enough and we don't need any more space. He's right of course, but there's another one who doesn't really understand what I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2010 18:09

That's what pisses me right off abraid! My sister always calls on her days off, usually when I have a very tight deadline looming, and gets mightily offended if I tell I don't really have time to talk.

OP posts:
abra1d · 04/01/2010 18:12

You end up screening calls, which is a pain.

Or I sometimes take my mobile and laptop and sit in the car. But why should I have to?

Heqet · 04/01/2010 18:13

Just a thought, but when we were working from the garage, we had a childminder in the main house with the kids. Would that work for you? We might have been 'at home' but we were actually at work and so needed childcare.

didn't stop me going through and having coffee and a natter though. But that was my fault!

Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2010 18:27

They're all back at school tomorrow so should go a bit better.

OP posts:
Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2010 18:42

Husband just came in and said he'd go and fetch the au pair from the airport tomorrow! Hooray! Means I can get stuck in for ten hours or so.

OP posts:
issysmilkbottle · 04/01/2010 18:57

my dh is just like this... I'm on a funded phd and can pick my hours and work from home but have to do 37.5 hours a week, he think I can do housework while 'working' and doesnt think I need a break as I'm at home! Arghhh! I'm on maternity at the moment and its gonna get worse... Apparently we won't need childcare when I go back... We'll see how he moans when I insist he comes straight home from work and hand over dd and ds so I can work!

dreamingofsun · 04/01/2010 19:04

but think of the alternative - 1 hours commute, having to dress up when you don't feel like it, picking parcels up from post office, walking dog in the dark....

WingedVictory · 04/01/2010 20:53

Hequet's suggestion of explaining how much a piece of work is worth is a good one. How else are they supposed to understand?

As for DHs and DMs and DMILs and DC understanding that you cannot look after the house and children while working.... maybe the answer is to remind them how annoyed they get when "one" is on Mumsnet, ignoring the house and children - evidence that one can't pay attention to more than one thing at once? Or leave said DH/DM/DMIL in charge of kids and with list of housework. DM and DMIL did it once, sure, but not recently, and their being out of practice should make it seem harder

Or is this itself dreaming?

minouminou · 05/01/2010 21:37

Set a clock/stopwatch running while she's mithering you, stop it when she stops, and tell her how much her interruption has just cost.
You may need to repeat it a few times.
It's a pain in the arse, i do understand.

BicycleBelle · 05/01/2010 22:02

I think its not just working from home that the older generation do not understand, its the whole concept of a woman working and it being as important as a man's work. My MiL has driven me mad this Xmas with all her questions about "did you make this cranberry sauce? No? but you should . . . " That's because I've been at work every day. "Oh, did these mince pies come from Tesco, don't you make your own?" No, because I have been very busy at work. "You could recover that old sofa yourself you know" NO I COULDN'T BECAUSE I WORK!!! Not once did she ask my DH why he doesn't service the car himself.

I feel so much better having got that off my chest!

CMOTdibbler · 05/01/2010 22:09

My parents cannot understand working from home at all - fortunatly, they live too far away to interrupt. They just ask puzzled questions about what is it I've been doing this week when I'm just at home. As DH and I are both home based for different employers, it does cause a lot of interest for our elderly neighbours too

Katisha · 05/01/2010 22:15

My mother still does this after 10 years of me working at home two days a week and going to the office for the other three. Still asks when my "days off" are.

Katisha · 05/01/2010 22:16

And MIL thinks I only work to stop me getting bored. She hasn't ever had a job as far as I can tell and thinks women don't really need to work.

JaneS · 05/01/2010 22:34

Ok, I'm a student so not the same - but my grant comes to more than DP's (v.low) wages, so I am technically the breadwinner, and I do know a bit how you feel. Can you fake concentration deafness for a couple of seconds, then look very confused and say a lot of 'huh, sorry mum? I was concentrating so hard, repeat that please?'

Look very absorbed and abstracted, and with luck she'll see your mind is busy elsewhere even if you are physically present

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