to need help with looking after our toddler?

[London7]

Hi, I am writing this question and hope to get some unbiased replies that I can show to my husband that it is NOT unreasonable of me to ask him for help with looking after our toddler daughter. I work full time and spend 3 hours every day commuting. My daughter goes to nursery where I drop her off in the mornings and pick her up straight after work. My husband is away from Monday till Friday so I look after my daughter on my own the whole week and I do almost everything during the weekend as well. When I occasionally ask him to change her nappy or take her out, he feels I should be doing that. When I argue that he is also a parent and I need help, he tells me that I consider looking our daughter a duty and that there are thousands other women who do that without wanting to ask for any help. I love looking after my baby but I am constantly exhausted as on top of everything I do 95% of housework (I don't do anything for him as we are divorcing). Am I a bad mother for wanting a bit of help? Thanks.

I'm assuming you will have residency of your DD?

Surely he should be spending some time with her now, so she's used to him, so that when he has time with her on his own, after the divorce, she's not alarmed?

Oh, and you're totally not a bad mother for wanting some time to yourself. You're normal.

wow how have you got sucked into this lifestyle? YANBU at all. he is being an arse. sounds like some serious rejigging is needed.

No YANBU except in being married to such a twazzock. I assume of course that you both decided you wanted a baby and accepted it as changing both your lives?

Has your DH always been like this or just since the baby?

Until DS arrived DH and I both worked fulltime. I tended to take on more of the day to day childcare for DD because I worked shorter hours and near by but DH was equally expected to get up in the night to her and help out if I was busy or just wanted him to do it. Its called being parents.

I do think though that you need to have some serous conversations with your husband about how family/ house can be managed because it will only get harder. Can either of you change your working hours?

NQC said it so much better.

YANBU. But it doesn't matter if you need help or not, he should want to be a father to his child! Ask him to change the occasional nappy? So he doesn't even do that? How on earth is he going to handle seeing her after the divorce, when you won't be around?

Perhaps you could point out that there are also lots of dads who don't consider their children a 'duty' but actually want to interact and care for them?

If anything he should be doing more for her at the weekends if he does not see her in the week. Not from a 'duty' perspective but because he hasnt seen her!

how about he doesn't 'help' you at all with her,ever??

instead,why doesn't he do something to help hiss dd develop? why doesn't he look after her health,change a nappy for her,and take her out? why doesn't he just build a relationship with his daughter? its really about him doing it because he wants to,not in order to 'help' you!!

wonderingwondering puts it well, poor you he really should not see it the way he does but i guess that might be one of the reasons why you are getting divorced? maybe a proper talk about how he will cope when he has her after your divorce might be in order? will he know how many times a day to change and feed her? will he have her overnight? YANBU to want help, you must be knackered but he sounds like an arsetwit. maybe see how you can cope till its finalised and start thinking about what you can do when its just you and dd?

No, there aren't thousands of women who do that without wanting help. There are thousands of women who do it without GETTING help, which is an entirely different ballgame.

Ask him why he wants to disengage from his own child to the extent that he won't physically touch her during the 20 hours per week he is physically availabl;e to her.

YANBU. Show this thread to your DH and let him know unequivocally that he is being an utter twat! And that is the polite version of what I am really thinking.

I too do the majority of care for DS during the week as DH is at work. Come the weekends, I dont change one nappy/ do any bath/ bedtime. Plus DH takes him to rugbytots on saturday for an hour and swimming when they both feel like it on a sunday morning.

Is it his job? absolutely! DS loves the time they spend together and it is their bonding time. But DH wouldnt want it any other way. Why would your DH not want to spend time with your DC on weekends??? Have you asked him?

Rant over, the only constructive advice I can give is to find something for them to do together. Is there a class of something they can sign up to do together? Then it becomes a regular activity that is theirs and theirs alone. I have not once gone to rugbytots. It is strictly daddy/ ds domain.

NQC says it better than I! In fact he'll see more of her if that happens!

YANBU at all, the fact that some of us single mums do it alone, it's not out of choice believe me, and we are so tired we don't do anything else.

Actually, I've got some help now as it was I was going round the bend!

oh dear, shineoncrazy diamon, thats a bit full on don't you think??

I was thinking something more along the lines of WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE!!!

He is a useless parent and his daughter deserves more

London7 - no wonder you are tired. I would probably have left him by now - unless he has some serious redeeming features. He will be a stranger to your dd apart from anything else!

Sorry, did not read properly - I see you are divorcing . Hope you are doing okay with all that. When you separate, presumably he will look after her on his own some days. If he does not establish a bond with her by helping with her daily care, this will be upsetting for your dd and he will not have a clue about toddler care. Silly man - sorry you are going through this.

are you divorcing because of his revolting attitude to your DD?

is he going to have any access to her when you part?

If so, how is he going to manage ...

has he always been like this with her?

how sad for you, but of course YANBU

I am not surprised you are divorcing him. No doubt those reasons have formed some of the basis for that decision.

Get rid ASAP. At least that way you can drop your DD off with him alternate weekends or whatever arrangements you make and you get some time off!

No wonder you are divorcing him,sounds like a proper twat.
I work part-time(9am-2pm) and my husband works full-time.(4pm-1am)
He looks after our daughter in the mornings whilst I'm at work and takes an active share in looking after her at the weekends when we are both off(one watches the baby,one does housework,alternative hours until everything is done)

Although you are soon to be no longer husband and wife, He is a Father and if after the divorce is going to have access,he'd better damn well start acting like one.
You sound like you are doing a superb job but everyone needs some time to themselves,show him this thread and tell him to get his act together if he wants any sembelence of a relationship with his child!

YANBU. End of.

Stinking screaming row in this house when DH announced that he would be away all week every week with work one Sunday starting the next day for next 2 months, with no prior discussion, and when I complained I was told I was over reacting! (2 months has now become till end of Feb/March-ish ie 5 months, ie qualifies as taking the piss. Ahem.)

However, my DH learnt his lesson when one Friday night he got back and 6 month old DD took one look and screamed blue murder because she didn't want the strange man anywhere near her (5 days since saw him previously). Took her most of the next day not to scream if he was in the same room as her.

Does your soon to be ex-H realise that a relationship with a child takes effort from him? That he doesn't automatically qualify for limitless love and affection and respect from his DD? And that she will be picking his nursing home?

Congratulations on your divorce, he sounds like an arsehole that you will be far better off without if this is an indication of his general character! Presumably if he doesn't want anything to do with the care of his daughter now, he won't want any access once you're apart? Because franky with that attitue, he doesn't deserve to have a child.