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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want the holiday I want NOT the holiday my husbands friend wants?

38 replies

bendyJo · 04/01/2010 13:20

Money is tight and my husband suggested that in order for us to have a holiday this year, we go away with his friend's family, who we are close to and share teh expense.

I was happy for this but then costs started to get out control. So I started to look at other ways for us to go away together that would please everyone but reduce the expense.

I have come with a solution that involves, dh, dd and I camping. His friends can stay in an apartment as they do not like the idea of camping (even though our tent is plenty big enough) I have also found out the cheapest place to hire a 7 seater to transport us all and enable to do day trips whilst away.

His friend however wants us all to stay together so we could split the cost of the apartment, but this would end up costing us £50 more than camping for the week.

He also wants us to take the afternoon (ie cheaper) train down there as this would cost less than hiring a car. But firstly I dont want to travel in the afternoon as we would lose a day of our holiday and also in the long run I think a car would work out cheaper as we wouldn't have to use public transport whilst away.

DH wants a peaceful life - and a holiday away with his friend so is saying IABU. His argument is that once we have got the stuff we still to get for camping (sleeping bags, table and stove)our holiday will cost more than theirs in the apartment.

There is also the added point that I'm not sure if I can live with another family for 7 nights and have a happy holiday.

So who is being unreasonable, dh or I?

OP posts:

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 04/01/2010 13:24

I am not sure who is being unreasonable but I strongly advise you not to go on holiday with this family if you are already disagreeing before you get there...

moomaa · 04/01/2010 13:25

You should camp so each family gets it's own space regardless of money.

Him wanting the train and you wanting a car would be rining alarm bells with me, will he want to stay at the apartment all day everyday, that is some people's idea of a holiday, whilst you want to be out and about?

diddl · 04/01/2010 13:41

What´s it got to do with him how you get there?

He sounds odd!

ginnybag · 04/01/2010 13:46

Well, your DH may have a point about the costs of camping. If there's only £50 difference and you still have that much stuff to get, it may well end up being more expensive, and there's the comfort factor as well.

As for transport... I tend to agree with you. The convenience of having transport to hand is worth the extra cost (if there is an extra cost - public transport for that many people will not be cheap).

However, I tend to second a pp here... of you're falling out already, you may want to rethink this plan altogether, because there is nothing worse than being stuck on hols with people with radically different ideas about what a holiday should consist of.

Morloth · 04/01/2010 13:50

Travelling with people is a BAD idea especially if you are having disagreements before you even go anyway. Bail on the whole thing, you will end up ruining a friendship!

Pikelit · 04/01/2010 13:53

I agree with your husband about the cost of camping stuff when compared to the extra £50 it'd cost for the apartment. If I was the friend I'd also want us all to share the same accommodation if you are planning any sort of joint holiday. The daily logistics of everyone scattered about would get on my tits.

But I wouldn't go on this holiday with this family at all since you clearly have quite different expectations. It's just not worth it and there must be cheap enough alternatives for you, dh and dd to enjoy your own holiday.

belgo · 04/01/2010 13:53

Cancel the whole thing. Save some money and just have a short weekend away camping just you and your family.

Going away with another family can be very hard work, even if you are not sharing an apartment.

Original poster

bendyJo · 04/01/2010 14:02

I don't scraping the idea is an option as far as dh is concerned.

We are not actually disagreeing yet, we are just trying to negotiate the logistics.

We if hire a car without them (ie a small car) once we are there it will create problems with us trying to organise day trips. So its a case of hire a big car or nothing, will we all then have to agree on as we need to spilt the cost of hire.

If we camped we would literally only be 5 mins away from them.

OP posts:

mii · 04/01/2010 14:04

i still shudder at memories of camping trip away last year with close friends

you couldn't pay me to repeat the experience

Pikelit · 04/01/2010 14:07

Having had the misfortune, once, to go on a shared boating holiday where the warning signs were apparent long before we set foot on the boat, I'd really invite caution!

Only I can see a week of failed expectations, forensic analysis over the last pennies on every bill and a great deal of logistical grief. Is this what your dh really wants from the family holiday?

belgo · 04/01/2010 14:10

bendyJo - why does your dh get to decide on the family holiday, Don't you have any say in it?

compo · 04/01/2010 14:15

Yabu not to be able to tell your dh the whole thing sucks

pandora69 · 04/01/2010 14:21

I would organise your own. It's not as if you are married to these people.

I'm on the other side of your situation. We go on a ski holiday this Saturday with a group of my best friend's new NCT friends. I organised the holiday and they all muttered that it was too expensive. The holiday I organised was (IMO fabulous!) I backed out of organising though when it became apparent that the others would not bend to my way of thinking.

So we have now saved £30 a person (which is not a lot compared to the overall cost of a holiday) and they are now worried about the 2 flights of stairs to the chalet, the fact there is no pool, how are they going to get a babysitter etc. All of this was included with my hol, but not with the cheaper holiday. I received an email this morning asking if I would chip in to pay for a babysitter for their babies (I booked my own separately when they said they didn't want one initially.)

I'm hoping the holiday turns out to be a success, but if anyone grumbles about anything at all to me I will have to bite my tongue, as I feel I have been done out of my perfect ski holiday by a bunch of people I don't know in order to keep best friend happy.

You DH's friend may be sitting there grumbling about your attitude to their holiday even as you grumble about them. Go to the same place if you want to spend time with them but agree to differ on the accommodation.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 04/01/2010 14:21

Has the 4 of you sat down together to discuss this in detail, or are messages going back and forth between the "menfolk"?

If this is to work, all the grown ups need to sit down together and work it out.

If you havent camped before, and you dont have the gear, I would not even consider this option..... You will need a lot more than just sleeping bags, a stove, and picnic table and chairs. This is not cheap, and it takes up a lot of space. 7 seaters are not well known for bootspace!

Dont get me wrong, I am a happy camper, but it is not everybodys cup of tea. Especially if you have young children.

Original poster

bendyJo · 04/01/2010 14:38

yy QS it is just the 'menfolk' trying to orangise everything - I have said to dh that we need to see them but so far it hasn't happened.

It will be our first camping holiday, I did start to get some of the gear last year. We have a tent, headlights, a double airbed, chairs, drybags and pots & pans.

Is it not feasible to fit this, plus their luggage in a 7 seater?

It's not really dh arranging our holiday but I did agree to it at the start and would feel I was letting everyone down now

OP posts:

birdofthenorth · 04/01/2010 14:45

You def need a car if camping, lugging heaps of stuff plus kids in public transport is not a recipe for relaxation!!

Morloth · 04/01/2010 14:50

Compromise, either stick with camping and get train down or go the apartment and rent the car.

I think you would be pushed to get 6 people (assuming 4 adults 2 kids) + luggage + camping gear into a 7 seater. You could do it, but it will be miserable.

annh · 04/01/2010 15:01

I wouldn't go away with these people. You both sound like you want completely different things from the holiday. You want to camp, they want to stay in an apartment, you want a car, they want to take the train - and you haven't got there yet! What about when people want to go on different day trips (or not at all?)? Who gets to use the car, will they demand money from you if you use more petrol than them? What about eating - what if they want to go out every evening and you are planning a week of barbeques on the campsite? I think going on holiday with anyone else is difficult even if you are in complete agreement beforehand about how things should be. If someone feels hard done by from the outset, it's a recipe for disaster!

annh · 04/01/2010 15:03

Actually, looking at this thread title, your dh's friends wife is probably saying exactly the same thing! Why shouldn't she have the holiday SHE wants rather than the one YOU want?

RubysReturn · 04/01/2010 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pikelit · 04/01/2010 15:08

Somewhere on MN is that other thread!
(I predict that as well as a holiday riot)

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 04/01/2010 16:01

Under the circumstances, I think it would be a lot more relaxing to go away and spend a week in an apartment or a villa.

I have "done" the camping thing. Both on campsites, and in the wild (totally al fresco I kid you not, with a loo behind every bush ) with friends and just us.
Despite loving camping, both with tent and campervan, with some friends on site, others off in b&b, I think we have tried to lot!

And now we are looking forward to our Easterbreak, in an apartment with other friends, Skiing in the North of Sweden. 4 adults + 4 kids, I think it will be a hoot.

Tell your dh, there will be no holiday together with this family, and no further planning of this holiday, till all of you sit down together and work out what you want out of this holiday!

Hando · 04/01/2010 16:24

I would not being going on this holiday.

Firstly you want to camp to save £50 in a week? I think you'd spend more than that on cooker fuel, little comforts, perhaps other camping essentials. I love camping but wouldn't want to do it for a whole week - surely an apartment would be lots more relaxing.

Secondly, you say they dont like the idea of camping "even though our tent is plenty big enough". Surely you were not proposing sharing a tent with the other family? I don't think I'd even want to do that with my best friend or family when there's kids there and for a WHOLE week. I'd feel suffocated.

Then the car - I would rather get the train personally and use public transport to get around, unless it was an isolated area. However, surely sharing one car is going to be a pain? It means you'd all have to go everywhere together every day!

To be honest I have to say unless I had enough money for a comfortable week long holiday not having to worry about every penny then I would rather save up and go later or cut it down to just a long weekend and have more spare cash to spend on it. I booked a great trip to Disneyland Paris then got made redundant before we went. I had some money but not loads and it's really expensive there. I ended up quite stressed looking at prices the whole time, choosing less expensive restaurant to eat in and having to say no to dd wanting to buy souveniers and toys whilst there. If I hadn't have paid alot for the actual holiday I not have bothered going in hindsight.

lucyellensmumagain · 04/01/2010 16:47

I suggest that your DH goes on holiday with his friends wife as they seem to be the only one ones who are happy to go with the flow - you and his friend can stay back and bicker - it does seem like you feel the need to be incharge here - sorry YABU

EightiesChick · 04/01/2010 16:52

I have been on holiday with my very dearest friends and we have still argued because that's in the nature of going on holiday in a large group. So I agree with people saying you should really rethink this plan. You ought to get a say as well as your DH.

In my view, 50 quid is well worth it not to have to camp but I don't like camping Seriously, I don't think it's a lot more for the benefit of indoor accomodation for all of you.

I do agree that you need a car though. The train plan will leave you stuck during the holiday. If your DH insists you do on holiday with these people, I would stick out for him agreeing to hire the car in return.

As has been said, I'd also just look for a cheap holiday of your own as it'll save loads of hassle. Look for a house swap or a special offer on camping / a cottage perhaps?

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