to be fed up with friends who don't contact me if I don't contact them first?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

The title says it all really.
AIBU?

YABU

I am one of those friends right now. Last few months have had a lot on my plate and tbh, have no room/ time to text friends etc.

Thats life isnt it? We dont always have the time to be contacting people...

And if you're that fed up with it, don't contact them anymore.

YANBU to be fed up, but sometimes life does get in the way and if your friends are worth it then just get in touch with them. Some people will always be the organisers and others would just leave it, meaning to to get in touch but not getting around to it.

YANBU to be fed up BUT that's life isn't it?

I'm very bad at keeping in contact with friends as I live aboard so don't get to see them very often and I also have a 4 year old and 2 year old and I'm pregnant with number 3, so have little free time.

My real friends understand and don't hold it against me.

YANBU but I'm one of those who tends to be out of contact . It's not deliberate at all but when you've got a young child; a full time job; and approx one hour per evening to yourself it's all you can do to waste time on MN read the lastest Booker Prize winner...

YABU. I've had a hideous few years and have struggled a great deal. I'm very proud of being able to get my children to school and nursery on time, feeding them properly and making sure they are clean and tidy. But fuck, anything else has been impossible. I have been so, so grateful to my friends who have made the effort to stay in touch while I have been swimming through treacle. Thats what real friends do, not ponce around wondering who's turn it is to call.

And while most people know of some of my difficulties - a life-threatening illness - most do not know how depressed and introverted it has made me. They don't know because I appear to cope. I've learned who my real friends are as they are the ones who know I can't manage to pick up the phone, or if I do, I probably can't manage to follow through the arrangement unless they help me.

YABU are you 14 ? If not stop keeping track of who contacted who first and just be a friend.

"whose", not "who's"

Also agree with DavidTennantAteMyHeart.

When my mum was a teenager she had a boyfriend who she was very much in love with. One night he went home and promised to call her the next day. He didn't call her the next day and so she didn't call him either. She never called him again and was heartbroken. A few monthes later she found out that he had fallen down the stairs and died.

There may be a million reasons why people don't call, just pick up the phone yourself if you care about them.

Oh Minty that's so sad..

DavidT and Minty your posts have made me quite tearful.

DavidT - I hope things are better for you now.

YAB a little U.

I have friends like this... That I always contact first - I also have friends that always contact me first... I don't really worry about it - people are busy - if you get on and you want to stay in touch with them - then keep in touch, whoever has to do it first..

Of course if you are not fussed - then don't get in touch with them again.

I can empathise with both sides of the argument here. As someone who is currently suffering from depression I wish that people would pick up the phone to me sometimes, even when it seems that i'm being very stand off-ish.

However i know what its like to feel like someone doesn't care enough about you to pick up the phone and call you. I had a friend who would never call me, never visit me etc etc. I was always driving miles to visit her, with a newborn baby. It was always me who picked up the phone in the few spare minutes a day i had to myself. It hurt that she didn't return the favor.

But its a tough call...one that will show you who real friends are tho. I'd rather have just 1 real friend that a whole stack of acquitances (SP?).

I agree with davidtennant i had a rough couple of years (bereavement) and I lost a lot of friends as I was busy, and then introvert, dealing with the loss of someone close and a newborn baby. It sorted the wheat from the chaff. I lost some friends, and I became much much closer to others because of it too. Many people presumed as I was not an outward nervous wreck all was ok. And I have become a lot more wary of people because of how they reacted.

YANBU - yeah life is busy but who's to say the OP hasnt got a busy life/having emotional or relationship problems. Why should it always be one person who picks up the phone? I agree there are times in life when it is great when people do all the phoning ie just after a baby is born but the rest of the time there has to be a bit of give an take. Its not about keeping track of who called when but if you are the person doing all the phoning gives the impression that that person would be quite happy never to speak to you again - if you are friends then it should never be a one way thing. Expecting people to call you all the time is selfish in my opinion.

Just to make it clear - I do not actually check my records to see who made the last call/text before contacting someone. But with one person who I considered to be quite a good friend it got to a stage where I want but feel unconfortable contacting her - feels like I am intruding into her life. I know I will contact her regardless, it just makes me feel angry and frustrated and I wanted to vent on MN.

Yes of course, canella. Depression following a life threatening illness and dealing with the life-long consequences of the illness is clearly selfish.

vent away - i'd be frustrated too!!

I can see where mozarela is coming from. Years ago a really good friend and I used to bitch about a friend who we both adored but was part of a club/ clique. She never, ever contacted us because she was always caught up with her clique friends.

Then one day I realised that my co-bitching friend never, ever called me, either - that I was always the one to call, and it felt like if I didn't contact him we'd never talk or see each other. So I decided to leave it and see whether perhaps I was wrong.

That was in the late 90's. We've not been in touch since . We had a great relationship at the time, but it felt very much like if I was the one doing all the legwork it meant the relationship was not equal and that he didn't value it as much as I did.

Now, I too am crap at contacting my friends regularly (and am trying to improve!), but I do call/ email/ text. If I had a gap of 10 years with no contact that means I don't value that relationship.

So no, mozarela, YANBU.

YABU/YANBU in equal measures.

I have friends who hardly ever contact me and I accept that I have to do all the legwork as it is the only way I will see/hear from them. When we do see them it is wonderful and worth the effort.

I suspect I am that kind of friend to an equal number of friends.

If the friendship is one you value then just accept that there are some people who are not going to get off their lazy/busy arses but that it is worth sticking with it. If you feel that the entire friendship is totally one sided, that is a different thing altogether.

YANBU.
But you must not let it upset you, its just the way it is. And we not talking about misletoe, we all have times when we have alot on our plates, but if it carries on, then you have to let these 'supposed friendships' go.
and I say supposed, becaseu true friendship needs both parties to want it, both parties to put time and effort into it, as it were.
I had a friend from uni. always me phoning, always me visiting. then I realised. I just stopped. heard hide nor hair since. what does one assume ? that I wanted the friendship more than her ? guess so ??

try not to let it get to you. go and make more friends.
I still have my bf. and have now made a very good new friend round the corner.

I've had this from one of my friends. I never hear from her or see her unless I get in touch. I find it v. hurtful, particularly as she says she gets bored (she has a toddler and doesn't work at the moment) and she admitted that she doesn't reply to my texts and emails because 'she just can't be bothered'. I do work, so I can't be as flexible about when we can meet up. I'd love her to call and suggest meeting for lunch like I used to until I gave up trying.

Also makes me annoyed that on the occasions I do see her now she comments in a critical way about how she never sees me.

I keep thinking the reason behind her behaviour would become obvious & understandable if I had some insight into what it's like when one has kids (I haven't any yet). But on the face of it it just seems rude and careless.

YANBU
I stopped calling several friends because I was the only one that ever tried making contact. If they were that bothered they would text or ring etc

scrimble - and you're still friends with this woman because...?

I can see where you are coming from but I have to admit that I fall into the category of being the one that rarely initiates contact. I really have to make an effort to contact people, I'm not very sociable and don't feel a need to make arrangements to meet up all the time whereas I have some friends who need to be with other people all the time. Its nothing personal, I like my friends but my own space is very important to me.