To Expect DSC To Visit DH Here?

[midori1999]

Due to DH's job, (army) we live in Northern Ireland. His children (DSS aged 13 and DSD agd 17) live in England. Currently, since living here DH has either visited the DSC in England, which involves him having to pay for a guest house and then having to take the DSC out all day each day he is there/sees them, and buying them lunch and dinner prior to returning them home. Obviously this works out expensive.

The other option if for DH to collect his children, fly over here with them, then fly home with them again when he returns them home. This obviously involves two return flights for DH and flighs for the DSC. Still expensive, but the less expensive of the two options, and it also mean she gets to see the DSC more as they are staying here, and I get to see them too. However, due to DH's work constraints it means he sees the children less than he'd like, due to the time taken to collect/return the DSC.

DH has tried to push for DSC Mum to allow them to fly over on their own, but their Mum so far will not allow them. She also says DH shoudl visit the DSC there as it is important for them to spend time alone with him. (in fact, she is generally very difficult and I suspect this is one reason she wll not allow them to fly alone). I can understand the children want so spend time alone with their Dad, and we always make sure he has some 'alone time' with them here, even if it is just a trip to the cinema or walking the dogs together.

I'll be honest, I am pretty fed up with his ex wife demanding he visits there, and feel it is not unreasonable to expect the DSC to stay here and husband not to visit them there, or at least only do so in exceptional circumstances. Not least as due to his job he sees his children little enough as it is and spends enough time away from home already.

Is it unreasonable to expect DSC to stay here when they see their Dad?

There is a difference between having an opinion, and trying to make decisions.

I have lot of opinions on things relating to my step kids, but I wouldnt insist on any of them being enforced-in fact I wouldnt put them 'on the table' so to speak, unless I was asked for my views! Thankfully I get on with my step kids mum so there is no real friction!

When you enter a relationship with someone who you know has children, I think its important to realise what you are taking on, and where you need to take a back seat. Of course there are financial issues involved, but again this is something you should realise in advance, same as fitting step kids into the larger extended family. Its not easy work, and things wont always be as you may want them to be, but in my opinion, these are issues that need to be dealt with by and between the parents, not the step parents. Thats when the friction arises-especially when so many step mums seem to have such issues and negativity toward birth mums! I guess this is partly because from the get go they have probably been branded as nasty etc by the dads. I know my ex husband did not speak kindly about me to his new wife, thankfully a few years down the line we get on great too and she realises every decision I make regarding my children is based on what I feel is best for my kids and not in any malice toward them, even if it isnt what is best for their dad and his wife!

We all do things our own way, and for me at least my way is by far the best! It works for us and as a result we dont have the problems so many other step families seem to experience!

My husband also thinks the children should be allowed to travel alone (if he didn't, then that would be the end of the discussion) and I doubt anyone can say it's not his business.

I do have 'issues' with their birth Mum, yes. However, they are only caused by her behaviour and nothing my husband has said. They get on fairly amicably, provided Dh does as she wishes, otherwise she threatens to stop him seeing the DSC and refuses to answer her phone etc.

I take 'back seat' on many things, despite being desperately concerned for DSD. She cannot and does not confide in her Mum or anyone in fact (although I assume she does talk to her friends) and I can't help but feel having an extra adult to chat to and maybe confide in if she needs to would be of great benefit to DSD.

Slightly off topic, but...to the poster who said her dad still worries about her travelling from England to N.I. My ex partner was from N.I and I have flown there mnay times during our time together (no children with him). I found that on most visits I would have at least one scary/worrying time/event because I was English. This was usually when visiting small country towns and little places though. Anti- English graffiti, people making anti-English comments, singing loud horrible songs about wanting British soldiers to all go home/drop dead etc. I found it extremely uncomfortable to have people turn and stare everytime they heard my English accent and really felt quite scared on occasion. This wasn't ages ago - we're talking 2-3 years ago only.

Having said that I love the place and would go back there anyday.

I still stick by my opinion that the dc mum has every right to refuse them to travel to another country. Surely it doesn;t have to cpst lots for your DP to take them out for a few days (free days out, 2 for 1 vouchers) etc, cheap lunches/picnics in the park etc. Compared to the cost of having them with you full time (as you do your children from a previous relationship) then it's probably relatively little.

He could always leave the forces and get a job which doesn't require him to live overseas? What if he gets posted to Germany / Cyprus / further?

Of course, you're right, she does have every right to refuse travel. Sadly, I really don't think she has the children's best interests at heart.

DH leaving the army would leave us in a hugely unstable finacial position. On top of which, he has already served 18 years and is doing well career wise, hoping to have a job until 55, so it seems rather silly to leave the army and have no secure job when I am expecting a baby and in seven years time DSC will both be old enough to decide for themselves. Plus, I doubt his ex wife would chose him seeing the children more over the cash she gives him.

NI is hardly 'overseas', it is part of the Uk, afterall... Hsi ex wife knew his job when she chose to leave him, he offered to leave the army then in order to keep the family together, she declined. I hardly think it is reasonable to expect him to leave his job, especially one that offers financial stability when the country is in rescession.

I didn't say he should leave his job - I said it was an option for him if he wants to see his kids more.

Does she give him cash or do you mean the cash he gives her? Surely that is cash he gives her to pay towards the children they have together?

I mean the cash he give her, maintenance. Yes, it is money he gives her to pay for the children, over and above (well over) what the CSA would have him pay. if he changed jobs he would be earning a lot less than he does now, and I doubt his ex wife would be happy about the subsequent drop in maintenance. He has previously discussed lowering the maintenance slightly to enable him (for finacial reasons) to see the children more, but she isn't happy about that.

As for the comment in ther pevious post, if my Dh visits his children for ay, five days over a half term or holiday, it costs around £300 for the ferry trip, (he needs the car if he visits the children and stays there, plus about £80 fuel getting from the ferry to their home town, plus £20-£50 a night B&B. If it is winter he can't really have them outside too much, so they might take a cinema trip (£20) plus lunch, (£15 doing it cheaply) the same again for dinner and then maybe an afternoon walking round the shops or whatever. DSD isn't really into zoo trips or anything liek that, which maks it hard to find things both DSC like to do. So it all adds up and DH has trouble filling the days. It is easier in summer, as they can do kite flying etc, but it would still be much less expensive for two return flights for the children.

Midori - how about you go & pick them up next time, she may re-think her ridiculous decision to not let them travel alone FFS I left home when I was 17.

In all seriousness, why don't you reduce the money you pay her over & above the amount the CSA would have him pay & use that to visit the children (children - at 17 pah!). She can't have it all her way.

They are old enough to travel alone and also old enough to decide how and when they want to see their dad.He is the other parent no some second place parent who has to jump to the others tune!There are many step parents who wold be obstructive too but the OP seems more than welcoming and I think having them in a happy 'home' is preferable to endless expensive days out.

Why don't you pick them up and bring them back on the ferry?? Or do you want it to be no effort at all on your part?

What does this mean OP?

"Hsi ex wife knew his job when she chose to leave him, he offered to leave the army then in order to keep the family together, she declined."

Why was your dh "offering" to leave his job to be able to see his family? Since he and his ex were splitting up it's his choice whether to change jobs to be in a position to keep his children close isn't it? The words offered and declined are very confusing, why should he ask her if to leave his job to stay close to his children?

littlemoominmamma I would happily collect the children if I were abe to, althoug having my own 3 DC, particularly as the youngest has Downs Syndrome, makes it hard for me to be able to. If DH wasn't working and therefore able to have them, then obviously he could collect the chilren himself. As DH's ex wife will not even low me to park in te street outside her house, I can imagine all hell breaking loose if I actually turned up to collect the children, in any case. The ferry is not practical in any way as it is an overnight journey each way, and much more expensive than flights.

megapixels Sory, I wasn't explaining myself well. What I meant was, people are suggesting DH should lave his job in order to see his children more often and suggesting this is the reason he cannot see them as often as he'd like/should. However, part of the reason is his ex wife decided to leave him and break up their family. At the time she said it was because he was in the army she couldn't stay with him, so he offered to leave so they could keep the marriage going. She declined and it later transpired she wanted a divorce in order to spend more time with her married boyfriend.

I really think expecting a man to leave his secure job and putting his family in a poor fiancial position purely because his ex is being an idiot is a litle ridiculous. Of course, ultimately it is an option for him, but hardly a sensible one.

His ex is the sort of woman who smokes around her asthmatic son in the house and then refuses to stay in hospital wih him when he is hospitlisd as she cannot smoke there. She is not the sort of person who puts her children first.

I believe the air companies won't let a child fly unaccompanied by an adult until they are 14, so the youngest couldn't fly. It is different for different companies though, so you have to check the terms and conditions

Thanks, they do allow them to fly, we have checked. They insist on a paid for 'chaperone' service until the children are 13, but will not provide it after that.

Midori - sorry my post sounded rude, what i meant was are you fed up with making all the effort, I was rushing my reply!

We go over on the ferry from stranrar and it is a daytime, not overly long journey but driving there from the west midlands is. The only time we flew was from Liverpool, also a very long journey. Does the childrens mum have an airport nearby or would this be hard for her?

Why dont you all go and rent a house for a week, at least it would be more like a holiday for you all

It's fine, don't worry. I'd happily make any effort require dif it meant the children could see their Dad more.

Yes, the Stranraer crossing is a lot quicker. Sadly, DSC live in the very South West, so it's not possible to make the drive from Stranraer to there in a day with only one person driving. (I'm not sure it would make it easier with two, tbh) Flying is much easier for all, including the children.

There is an airport about 35 mins from the childrens house, and their Mum would have to drive them there regardless of DH collecting them on the plane or not.

There's nothing I can do about it all really, and I know that. If she says she won't put them on a plane, there is nothing we can do about it. She just says 'no sensible parent would put children of that age on a plane' but it is something I would do for my older two to see their Dad, and they are 13 and 9. It's just frustrating, especially as she leaves them at hoem alone, whent here is far more risk of them fighting there than ona planbe IMO, and that is what she is using as the reason not to allow them to fly alone.