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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Expect DSC To Visit DH Here?

65 replies

midori1999 · 03/01/2010 16:33

Due to DH's job, (army) we live in Northern Ireland. His children (DSS aged 13 and DSD agd 17) live in England. Currently, since living here DH has either visited the DSC in England, which involves him having to pay for a guest house and then having to take the DSC out all day each day he is there/sees them, and buying them lunch and dinner prior to returning them home. Obviously this works out expensive.

The other option if for DH to collect his children, fly over here with them, then fly home with them again when he returns them home. This obviously involves two return flights for DH and flighs for the DSC. Still expensive, but the less expensive of the two options, and it also mean she gets to see the DSC more as they are staying here, and I get to see them too. However, due to DH's work constraints it means he sees the children less than he'd like, due to the time taken to collect/return the DSC.

DH has tried to push for DSC Mum to allow them to fly over on their own, but their Mum so far will not allow them. She also says DH shoudl visit the DSC there as it is important for them to spend time alone with him. (in fact, she is generally very difficult and I suspect this is one reason she wll not allow them to fly alone). I can understand the children want so spend time alone with their Dad, and we always make sure he has some 'alone time' with them here, even if it is just a trip to the cinema or walking the dogs together.

I'll be honest, I am pretty fed up with his ex wife demanding he visits there, and feel it is not unreasonable to expect the DSC to stay here and husband not to visit them there, or at least only do so in exceptional circumstances. Not least as due to his job he sees his children little enough as it is and spends enough time away from home already.

Is it unreasonable to expect DSC to stay here when they see their Dad?

OP posts:

primarymum · 03/01/2010 17:47

To be honest, I am much happier for my sons to fly across the Atlantic than I would be for them to travel by bus or train across the country, at least when they are on the plane they can't get off until they arrive at the destination!

LadyBiscuit · 03/01/2010 17:48

That's absurdly overprotective stleger! Your poor friend - what a pita for her.

mrsjammi · 03/01/2010 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

glasgal · 03/01/2010 17:57

17 year olds don't need their parents' permission to fly solo, don't they?

Original poster

midori1999 · 03/01/2010 19:14

Thankyou. I will try to reply to everyone.

Jeremyvile yes, it is my DH's choice to follow a career that means he has to live away from where his chldren live. However, it was not his decision to end his first marriage, and at the time he offerred to his ex wife that he would leave the army, and she declined his offer. So it isn't his decision alone. She would be the first to complain if he left and lived locally so he could see them more, but had to drop maintenance because of that...

farkinbarkin when the children are here, DH sees the children for longer, as obviously he has them from waking to bedtime. He doesn't spend as much time alone with just him and them, but they join in our family life, and DSS is the same age as one of my sons and they get on fantastically.
They have been seperated for nine years, and I have been with DH for six. Personally, I think the whole 'not flying alone' is an exuse to be difficult/have some sort of control over her life.

My DH can collect the children and bring them here, but because of his work commitments etc, he cannot see them anywhere near as often if he has to make the extra time to do this. Also, it means he can only see them half as much for financial reasons alone due to the cost of the extra flights.

mrsjammi of course, I know you are right, there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. Sadly, DH can only agree to her terms and if he does not, the children will only suffer even further. I don't fel comfortable involving the children in any decision making, (although obviously they do get a choice in all this, they would happily fly alone) as I feel it puts them 'on the spot'.

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 03/01/2010 19:19

When my exp decided to leave the UK and return to his home country over the pond, I put my 5 year old on a plane by himself to go and stay for a month (cooked up by exmil and myself to ensure he reengaged with ds).

the hardest thing I have ever done, thinking about it still makes me cry, but it worked. Exp returned to UK and has a great relationship with ds now, in fact he lives with him 4 days a week.

I put my child's need for a father above my own desires.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 19:20

THat's ludicrous that she wont let the children fly by themselves. Yanbu - just sensible.

Hando · 03/01/2010 19:25

I'm in two minds about this.

I think they are easily old enough to fly alone. However, there is NO WAY I would let my dd (5) fly alone for a good few years yet!

Perhaps the children mother cannot afford the flights. How often are we talking? With all taxes, baggage and extras we pay about £60 ish for return off peak non weekend flights. So that's about £120 each time they visit.

Their home county is England, Ops partner chose to have a job that means he needs ti live away from England than he should be the one that makes the majority of the effort to travel.

So perhaps he can offer to book/pay for their flights and suggest they alternate the visits, one time they fly to N.I next time he flies to England.

butterscotch · 03/01/2010 19:31

I think even if OP's partner did pay for the flights (which I suspect he probably has) the ex will not let them fly alone...

I think it is 18 to fly alone without parents permission in which case the oldest will be able to do sometime soon...this might make the ex sit up and take notice if the oldest child decides to go for a month.

How tragic that ex's can't find compromise!

Hando sadly with a lot of the services you don't necessarily get a choice of postings so he could be on a long term post to NI with no choice, the services don't always make the lives of split families the easiest......

smittenkitten · 03/01/2010 19:39

their mother seems to be putting ridiculous barriers in the path of them seeing their father. It is good for the kids to have a relationship with their father, and how brilliant to hear about a Dad putting himself out to this extent to see his kids - how many posts are there on MN about ex partners who never see their children? He may have 'chosen' a career that causes him to travel, but NI is hardly the other side of the world - it's an hour on a plane, which is nothing. the kids are perfectly old enough to fly by themselves. Perhaps your DH could offer to fly with them this time if they're not seasoned travellers, and then they will feel comfortable doing the journey themselves? my friend's DSS are 13 and 16 and they do the journey themselves which is a few hours on the train and a change of trains - a much mroe complex and longer journey than getting on a plane!

LadyBiscuit · 03/01/2010 19:41

Hando - these are children who are 13 and 17, a lot older than 5! And the mother isn't being asked to pay for the flights. You can fly (or do anything you like apart from drink or drive a car) after the age of 16 in the UK, including taking any form of travel.

It does seem like she's trying to prevent them building a relationship with their father and his new family rather than anything else. How very sad

Hando · 03/01/2010 19:47

Butterscotch, I know how it works with no choice over postings, either around uk or overseas. We have lots of forces friends and my ex-p was RAF. I realise op's partner probably hadn't chosen to move away from his kids, but that's his job, and he did chose that job. Anyone in the forces knows they could be posted overseas. If the kids mother doesn't want them to fly over then he needs to visit them. Whether that be for financial reasons, safety or any other reason.

nighbynight · 03/01/2010 19:48

At that age, I would let my children fly.

MadameDefarge · 03/01/2010 19:49

Is no one impressed at my selflessness? boo hoo!

Hando · 03/01/2010 19:51

My last post didn't make much sense. I think I just imagine if me and ex-p had a child together. We split and he decided to stay in the Raf. I'd be quite likely to expect him to come back from whichever country he was posted in to see that child, rather than me having to send child out there.

Actually, I do agree the mother is being a bit daft if her reason for not letting them go is because she thinks they are too young to fly without an adult. But as the parent who has them nearly all the time I think this is her decision to make. Why doesn't op's partner fly to London and the kids meet him at the airport and they fly back to N.I together? As others have said, the 17 yr old will soon be able to come alone if they wanted to anyway.

LadyBiscuit · 03/01/2010 19:52

I am MadameDefarge. I was focusing on the unreasonable behaviour though

MadameDefarge · 03/01/2010 19:56

but ladybiscuit, its all about me! I tell you, me!

[wanders off into narcissistic dreamworld]

uglymugly · 03/01/2010 20:05

If the OP's DH was already in the forces when he and the ex married, then it's reasonable to assume that the ex knew what that entailed, that postings could mean that the father could be stationed away from the family home. I have known military families and I got to hear how difficult that was, but also how those families coped with that.

Nine years on, and the difficulty seems to be that the distance between the family home and the OP's DH's home is only realistically bridged by plane, but the ex isn't happy about a 13 and 17 year old making what is actually a relatively short journey on their own. This is not UK to overseas. In my opinion, that's not a reasonable objection. Either there is an underlying problem, or someone is being rather precious. Thinking back to when my offspring were that age, it wouldn't be a case of me allowing them to fly, it would be them telling me what they wanted to do and I'd have let them, on the grounds that flying that distance would be perfectly possible for them to manage.

butterscotch · 03/01/2010 20:21

Personally I think flying 1hr or so is considerably safer with drop off/collection at each point is safer than putting a child on a train/bus any distance!

littlemoominmamma · 03/01/2010 20:46

Just wondering if she is worried that you are living in Northern Ireland (the troubles).

We have visited Belfast quite a lot to stay with friends and a lot of people have questioned our choice to go there and wondered if it was safe (it was perfectly safe and lovely!)

If your partner is in the forces then she may have safety worries? - just a thought...

Stephief · 03/01/2010 20:49

I wouldnt let my kids fly on their own. As the resident parent, at the moment, she gets to make that choice. If my kids dad decided, or was posted abroad, he would have to come here to see them. Its not being precious, I wouldnt want my kids in another country to me. Even just an hour away.

But if the posters stepkids are allowed to fly out with their dad anyway, I dont see whay she wouldnt let them fly on their own. But she must have her reasons. Everyone seems to assume she is being difficult but her reasons may be genuine. We dont know do we?

Personally I think step parents need to keep their noses out of the things which are between the parents. And I say that as both a mum of kids with a non resident dad, and a step mum. I wouldnt dream of getting involved in differences between my partner and his ex when it comes to the kids. They are their kids after all not mine, just as I wouldnt expect my dp to involve himself in business of me and my kids dad.

Just my opinions though.

weegiemum · 03/01/2010 20:52

Is your ex-w being silly about NI?

Just wondered - cos I am scottish but dh is from Belfast.

My Dad is still crazy every time I go there - am I going to get shot/blown up etc?

If it is not this, then she is a loon.

Me, plus my sister and brother, flew to see my Mum in France (we lived with my Dad after the divorce, Mum moved to France with NM) when I was 16, sis was 14, bro was 8. Nae bother.

HerBeatitude · 03/01/2010 21:01

Surely the kids are old enough to have their own opinions about whether they can fly alone?

Is the reluctance actually coming from one of them? (It could be tht the 17 year old doesn't want to have to take responsibility for her sister, or tht the 13 yr old doesn't want the older sister to be in charge?)

mrsjammi · 03/01/2010 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

midori1999 · 03/01/2010 21:36

Stephief how he sees his children affects us massively fiancially as a family, so I see that it is my business, even if his children aren't. (however, I am expected to help care for them when they are gere, and cook for them, clean for them, be a listening ear when they want me to be, welcome them into our family etc, so I don't really see it as none of my business)

Sadly, her decision is nothing to do with NI. She is simpyl being difficult, the only reaon she can give is that they are not old enought o be truste dalone together, but if that is the case, why leave them at home?

Sadly, DSD is not allowed to make any decisions herself, and is regularly still 'grounded' by her Mum and generally treated like a child, which is the cause of a lot of the problems between her and her Mum. Both DSC would like to see their dad a lot more often, but the way things are it is just not possible.

My own childrne obviously have afather who iam divorced from. I make every effort to accomodate him seeing the children, as even if thinsg are at times inconvenient for me, it is in their best interests.

OP posts:

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