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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if a couple split up both should stay nearby for the dcs,,,,,

58 replies

MrsNarcissist · 02/01/2010 15:07

My cousin recently left her dp, he was never abusive to the children although perhaps financially controlling with her and they had a fair few problems. He offered her the house and he'd find somewhere else to live. She had lived in the town for 18 years and 11 or 12 of which were with him so her entire adult life and the life of all of her dcs, 11, 6 and 1 were in this particular town. She left him and went to live in her hometown over 300 miles away. She has only been back about ten times and her mother, who she doesn't get on with, and sister live there. So she uprooted her children from their home and father in an impulsive moment, and they are left to see him only in school holidays.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you have children, except in cases of abuse, that you must remain in some sort of area so that they can see both parents?

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 02/01/2010 15:09

Don't think it is your business really.

overmydeadbody · 02/01/2010 15:09

life isn't that black and white though.

Original poster
MrsNarcissist · 02/01/2010 15:11

FAb, why isn't it my business? Her children, left without decent access to their father, are my nieces and nephew. (she had lived with my parents for about five years throughout her childhood.)

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 02/01/2010 15:12

Because they are not your children and you can't possibly know what has gone on in their parents relationship.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 02/01/2010 15:13

Your cousin's children are not your nieces/nephews.

Pikelit · 02/01/2010 15:14

YABU. I see your logic but actually, why should someone be denied the chance to return to their hometown? Or indeed be limited to where they can live just because their relationship has broken down? I have a couple of friends whose only link with here was their exH/P and when they split, wanted the support available from family, regardless of how they might have got on with that family previously. This family support in a familiar environment was actually better for the children involved too. If you are going to move children, best to do it before secondary school too.

hbfac · 02/01/2010 15:15

Hmmm.

I think women should not leave a marriage AT ALL if they have had dc, except in cases where the abuse is directed at the dc.

I think that we have come to a very sorry state if women can just leave and pull their dc hither and thither on some emotional whim.

I completely agree that these women should have their freedom of movement removed and be forced to remain where they were. Perhaps we could set up boarding houses for flighty mothers, if they persist in using economics as an excuse to move?

Yes. YABU. I suspect most women do not leave in an "impulsive moment" and take the decision to "uproot" children very seriously indeed.

Thank goodness legislation around divorce has moved away from this sort of mindset.

Ivykaty44 · 02/01/2010 15:17

Your sister can move where she likes - the to older children have a choice to stay with there father in their home town and there father can take this to court and it would be looked on possibly favrable to let the children live in thier home town.

I don't know the full circumstances or what the two older dc want though???

ChippingIn · 02/01/2010 15:22

hbfac - I was reading your post thinking 'wtf'???????

OP - I think it would be ideal for them to stay close (both parents), but for many & varied reasons it's not always possible or desirable... sometimes life sucks.

sarah293 · 02/01/2010 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

paisleyleaf · 02/01/2010 15:25

You say she's only been back 10 times.....how long ago did they split?

BitOfFun · 02/01/2010 15:25

"I think women should not leave a marriage AT ALL if they have had dc, except in cases where the abuse is directed at the dc."

Really?

So if a woman is being physically abused or sexually abused by her husband, she should just put up and shut up?

And she should happily allow herself to be demeaned and belittled, violently treated or put up with infidelity and poor treatment, which the children will all see, and which creates a template for miserable relationships for them as adults? All because she married him and the abuse is directed at her rather than the children?

Sorry, but is quite loonily simplistic.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 02/01/2010 15:27

YABU totally.
This woman has as much of a right to get on with her life after seperation children or not.
We are in a situation where dss has been moved by dh ex 400 miles away and yes it is damn hard but we all deal with it.

We only see dss in the holidays now and that is from having him Monday to Friday every evening.

I know it is hard and hurtful for all involved but nobody can be expected to put their entire life on hold in this situation and it is obviously where she felt happier and more supported being.
I also left the town my dc's had been born in after me and ex seperated although it actually moved me closer to to my ex. The reason I did this was because my whole life in that town was intertwined with my old relationship friends, his family etc.
I moved to the town I grew up in despite my parents and family not being here anymore as it was where I felt my homwtown was.

paisleyleaf · 02/01/2010 15:28

I believed hbfac for a moment too

ChippingIn · 02/01/2010 15:28

BOF - chill pet - hbfac was just making a point - if you re-read her post you'll see it's not what she was actually saying at all

Shodan · 02/01/2010 15:30

I think hbfac was being ironic/sarcastic or something, wasn't she? (/he?)

paisleyleaf · 02/01/2010 15:30

It is sad when families split.
but as she is keeping the children I would imagine that her decision has been made with them in mind.
You can understand her wanting a fresh start and support in her hometown.

Shodan · 02/01/2010 15:31

Dur. Slow typing = x-posts!!

Pikelit · 02/01/2010 15:31

Flighty piece!

BitOfFun · 02/01/2010 15:32

Ahhhhhh, I did not see the sarcasm in my initial apoplectic rage

sarah293 · 02/01/2010 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

overmydeadbody · 02/01/2010 15:32

Sounds to me like MrsNarcissist doesn't live in the real world.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 02/01/2010 15:33

Seriously hbfac?

What if there is no trust, no happiness, or whatever?

People have the right to end a relationship, but I do think both should always remember that they are both parents.

So in answer to the op, I do think parents should try and maintain as much stability for the children as possible.

But the op really really doesn't know what went wrong, so perhaps your cousins wife felt terribly unsafe, or frightened... who knows!

hbfac · 02/01/2010 15:33

BoF - I must defend my honour - read the post in it's entirety.

I was attempting to highlight some of the hidden premisses behind the seemingly innocuous opening question.

I'm getting really, really fed up with how it seems that women's desires to leave unhappy situation - which don't involve serious DV - are trivialised. I can read that in the OP.

I read post after post on the Relationships threads from women putting up with all sorts, from misery of the soul to abuse, in relationships but not wanting to leave because of the dc. and I'm afraid I just lost it when I read this post ... .

I know there are some women out there who do just impulsively trot out the door, but the number is surely vanishingly small, while the numbers who end up staying, and putting up with situations that range from abusive to just sad are large and documented.

And then this Christmas the bloke shooting his ex and their child ...

I think it's urgent to change the mind-set and actually assume women with dc are thinking, sentient, feeling beings, who don't act trivially or "impulsively", especially when it comes to their dc.

BitOfFun · 02/01/2010 15:35

I gotcha in the end

Phew!