to get even more worked up when DH tells me to 'stop shouting'

[moanymoo]

Okay. I know how terrible it is when people actually shout at each other. I really do.

But quite often when we're discussing something, and we disagree or whatever, I get a bit worked up, and my voice goes shriller (ouch). But I'm not shouting. Really!!
But DH immediately says "stop shouting" and then stops listening. This gets me even more worked up.
I sulk.

Discussion over.
I know it's crap.
How do I stop getting worked up?

I do know that my family is particularly...er... animated/ vocal(?) whereas his could quite happily sit at the dinner table for hours hardly saying anything. But it's not just that, is it?
I know I get worked up too easily sometimes. But I also think he doesn't help by just saying "stop shouting" and shutting off.

Am a coward, so have name changed.

There's nothing quite as patronizing as dh saying 'calm down'. I want to hit him - and I'm honestly not physical!!

Classic Passive Aggressive crap - wind you up, then play Mr Calm and accuse of shouting or aggression if you betray a trace of upset. Very nasty trick IMO.

Oh that happens here all the time...

If I get slightly worked up at all, I just get "there, you are shouting now, I'm not going to listen to you if you are going to shout"...

He's never heard me ACTAULLY shouting...

I'll be watching your other replies with interest because its a major upset to me in my life too.

DH does that too. I am always very surprised because imo I am NOT SHOUTING !

Wow! Glad I'm not the only one then :-)

prettypeonies, I appreciate what you're saying, but I don't think he does it on purpose. I'm not exactly known as the least highly-strung person in the world.
I also know deep down that if I was writing and saying DH raises his voice every time we discuss something and disagree, people would say that's unacceptable.
But I also think it's a bit of a cop out on his part just saying "oh! you're shouting! not listening any more...."
I'm honestly not shouting. Just worked up and emotional.... (I think...!!)

erghmph. don't really know what I'm saying actually, so thought I'd see what other people think.

But it's reassuring to know it's not just me, anyway, I guess!

My mother does this - it's a way of ensuring I can never disagree with her or criticise her because immediately she accuses me of 'shouting at her' and refuses to listen on that basis. I am usually speaking very calmly and quietly.

It's a horrible passive aggressive trick as prettyponies says. Designed purely to stop any discussion they don't want to have. Leaves you feeling frustrated and unheard.

Try really shouting very loudly 'NO, I THINK YOU'LL FIND THIS IS SHOUTING'?

Actually... update (already!!)
I think you're right, prettypeonies and TheArmadillo.

Just had a typical exchange.
DH told me off for eating a bit of avocado that he'd asked me to make guacamole with (there were 3 of them. I'd given a bit to DS for lunch anyway, was just eating the left-overs).

I tried to explain that it was just leftovers and there were still some avocados etc etc

He said stop shouting/ being aggressive. I got worked up and said I wasn't. I was just trying to explain.

He walked off.

I took a deep breath and went to him. Explained that actually, we were only trying to use them up anyway. He'd already had his lunch. I was going to make the guacamole later....
(and I'd tried to make it last night, but he said he didn't want it cos he'd already had dinner)

He just told me he "hated my voice", "wasn't listening", "leave him alone"... etc etc

So I guess when the "stop shouting thing doesn't work, he uses something else.

Had never looked at it like that before. But it's just an avoidance tactic, isn't it. Conscious or not.

How can some men be so bloody immature and maddening....? I'm going to try with all my might to make sure my Son and Daughters are equally strong yet compassionate and good partners to someone someday; and that I will not be an old bag of an MIL to my childrens partners. I will not insist they spend Christmas with us, or get pissy when they do not; and will try to maintain the family unit without being dictatorial.Okay, it will be bloody difficult but I will try!!!! follow the classic lines is someone

I guess thats unwittingly making the shouting the issue not what you were speaking about.

Could you write a note & hand it to him maybe?

I realise this doesn't help with the actual issue!

....I have to admit, I have tried emailing him sometimes!

But then he comes back and says "why do we have to email each other? Why can't we just talk?"

???!!!

yes... maddening....

Oh Hoorayhenrietta, if you manage to work out how to do that, can you let me know?
Am not doing very well so far, if DS sees this stuff going on

Well my dcs find the talking-very-quietly-but-very-insistently voice I do incredibly annoying, and would definitely rather I shouted! Maybe you could try this with him ....

Seriously though, I think men do zone out when your voice reaches a certain pitch - I mean shrillness rather than volume. Can't win either way, I think, but he sounds like he needs to grow up a bit IMO.

I love Edams suggestion

The next time you are having a chat about general stuff bring it up and ask him why he does it. Ask him if he realises it is just a mechanism to get off the topic you are discussing and allows him to walk out of the conversation. Ask him what he is worried about that he is to scared to discuss things with you but has to chicken out using shouting as an excuse.

Make sure you exert some self control and take a breath and keep your voice calm and it will then put all the pressure on him.
If he raises it next time you argue then you can use that to stop him ducking the issue so - when he says "stop shouting" you can say " oh don't you want to talk then, are you going to use that lame excuse to chicken out of the conversation - again"

Call him on it

mrmellors
I do that with DCs and DH !

I used to get wound up and whilst I wouldn't shout I would get a bit quick to respond and agitated. It just meant I lost my thread and got flustered. Now I slow everything down and take my time. I will even say " i am getting really annoyed with you - I will reply in a minute when I am less angry" and go and make a cup of coffee.

Brilliant! I may try that

Okay am going to practice that so it comes out, even when I'm worked up.

Ah. But obviously then I'll get accused of "walking away" and being "unwilling to discuss anything" blah blah blaaaaah!

It's like being a kid again. Really! I'm one of 3 kids. I know how to get worked up with people I love, I really do!

YANBU - that sort of behaviour drives me crazy too.

My mother used to do this. She's get me wound up about something then say ' Don't shout at me' or 'I'm not arguing with you' thereby taking what she thought was the moral high ground because 'she doesn't argue'.
She then wonders why we never talk about stiff and things just build up slowly till we all have an almighty row.

You can always start with " you are fucking annoying, fuck the fuck out of my way while I calm down" and work your way up

oh no! how do I delete a post??!
I didn't mean to write the R word.
Sorry
Will try and find out how to edit

I really apologise.

Mmm! Not sure about the passive-aggressive thing. I might be the voice of dissent here. I know a lot of people, myself included, who really, really don't like it when a dispute gets to the raised voice level and feel quite justfied in not engaging in a discussion if it looks like it is going to head that way.

Over the years I have reached the conclusion that there are two schools of thought over how to handle disagreements - those who think it is a good idea to clear the air by having a good row over whatever it is. And those who loathe and detest a scene and will do anything to avoid it.

If your DH doesn't like it when you get "shrill" but you really fo feel you have a valid point to make, would it be really so hard to take a deep breath, make your voice stay as low as possible and try to talk slowly and calmly so tht even he cannot accuse you of shouting?

Ahhh yes. I used to be 'shouting' all the time. Then it was 'using a horrible tone'. Until I pulled out all the stops and kept my voice as sweet and liltling and light as Mary fucking Poppins.

then, of course, I was talking down to him.

to counter 5foot5, I find the people who say they don't like having voices raised to them actually simply don't like being disagreed with.

coldtits: Don't think it's that. Well maybe with some people, but I know loads of people who are quite happy to argue a point but would be horrified if this led to shouting. My DH for instance loves a good argue but in 24 years I can hardly ever remember him raising his voice.

I have a BIL whose wife was a "shouty" sort when she got upset. We were all at PILs once for a Sunday lunch when she got upset with other BIL about something - to this day I do not know what. She really went off on one shouting and screaming and ended up storming out of the house. PILs are very reserved people and were very upset.

Anyway, that got resolved eventually but about a year later there was another occasion when she got upset and stormed round to their house to "sort things out". She was so hysterical that poor FIL ended up showing her the door. She and BIL subsequently broke off all contact with family, including us who had never had a cross word with them.

I think the point I am trying to make is that there is no point trying to expect those who hate that sort of "shouty" behaviour to take part in a screaming match. It has nothing to do with not liking disagreement, just not liking uncontrolled emotional outbursts.