to get even more worked up when DH tells me to 'stop shouting'

[moanymoo]

Okay. I know how terrible it is when people actually shout at each other. I really do.

But quite often when we're discussing something, and we disagree or whatever, I get a bit worked up, and my voice goes shriller (ouch). But I'm not shouting. Really!!
But DH immediately says "stop shouting" and then stops listening. This gets me even more worked up.
I sulk.

Discussion over.
I know it's crap.
How do I stop getting worked up?

I do know that my family is particularly...er... animated/ vocal(?) whereas his could quite happily sit at the dinner table for hours hardly saying anything. But it's not just that, is it?
I know I get worked up too easily sometimes. But I also think he doesn't help by just saying "stop shouting" and shutting off.

Am a coward, so have name changed.

coldtits - I really don't think that's it. I don't mind arguing, but can't bear being shouted at. My husband used to raise his voice when he got worked up, but he's realised how much it upsets me and now if we disagree he makes a real effort to stay at normal volume. (No doubt a shrink would have fun with my phobia of being shouted at, but I really do hate it.)

Sorry, 5foot5, cross-posted!

gonna weigh in with 5ft5, in disagreeing with those who claim refusing to be shouted at is a way of avoiding criticism or passive agressive controlling nasty behaviour. The rest of it (I hate your voice/other excuses) have their merits but I'd be the same as the op's husband. I wouldn't involve myself in an argument/discussion if i was being shouted at and would remove myself from the conversation until the person was willing to discuss it with me civilly and with a bit of respect. Not trying to be controlling simply stating my terms as I've found that arguments which get heated and involve shouting rarely go anywhere and I don't like bing talked to in that manner.

StayFrostyTheSnowMam: I hadn't missed that and I am prepared to believe that the OPs DH might be a tw*t in some aspects of his behaviour. But the openeing subject was whether it is U to get upset when asked to "calm down" and most of the posts centre around whether or not it is OK for people to disengage from a disagreement when voices get raised.

Personally I think it is. I am quite happy to stand my ground in an argument but there is no way I would ever become embroiled in a shouting match.

coldtits said - "I find the people who say they don't like having voices raised to them actually simply don't like being disagreed with"

Which to me implies that some people think that the only way you can express disagreement is by shouting.

Silly behaviour and comments over avocados aside, I have to say that if I was with someone who got "worked up" and "vocal" when they were annoyed the I would probably take a similar stance to OPs DH and refuse to discuss the issue until it could be done calmly.

But it's a very human thing to do, to raise your voice when excited, upset, or angry. being scared of that is like being scared of laughter, or crying. It would be ridiculous to refuse to speak to someone who was crying, and control freaky to insist they didn't.

tbh, I think the worse issue is that he is telling you off for eating a bit of avocado. That sounds a bit controlling to me.

ds2 has a voice like a foghorn, and I often find myself saying Stop shouting to him. He doesnt mean to shout, his voice is just very loud!
Done in a passive aggressive way, it would be very difficult to live with, I should think.

5foot, I think this is just one issue on which people must be compatible to live together.

If someone's upset and their voice risses a couple of notches, do you really think the situation is going to be made calmer by you stating that you refuse to speak about the subject until they've calmed down?

Sorry, I think it was me that took this off-subject a little.

You're right, 5foot5. The original post was about shouting or not shouting or whatever.
StayFrostyTheSnowMam you're also right. He can be a complete twat. And if I'd read this, I would think that too!
In the post which I had deleted, I said that this IS just one aspect of his behaviour. He's also a very helpful, caring, loving DH/ dad.

He can be a bit controlling, but I'm afraid that I also recognise the behviour outlined by 5foot5 in myself too.
When I'm reeeeeally worked up, I do slam doors and storm out. I know that is unacceptable too.

(I don't do this very often, but I do do it)

So yes it is a part of me. And I am a very emotional person. And I'm interested to see that other people would find this unacceptable.
We have to live together (I really love him). So I'm trying to work out what I have to work on, and what is just him being "unreasonable" or copping out...

Also, I think it's my fault for posting when I was worked up with him

He did question why I was eating the avocado (god! how childish are we? ), but maybe I interpreted it as 'telling off'??

agh! sorry! emotive language?....

emotions = unacceptable????

wtf???

thanks

the one thing I have learnt from him is to "let it go" a bit sooner.

I guess the good side of him being less emotional than me is that he smiles and forgets things straight away, whereas I hold onto them more...

Still learning, still learning.....

and have you seen it frosty?

I think the OP's DH was being a tit. But I'm with 5foot5 on the shouting. If my DP raises his voice then I will walk away. As soon as the voice gets raised it means that a sensible discussion can't be had and that anything I say will be talked over. I've tried talking quietly and calmly when he gets like that, but it doesn't help, and somehow I doubt me yelling back would help either. So I walk away and will not talk to him about it until he's calmed down and can talk at normal conversation level.

Disclaimer: this doesn't happen often, and I know my method annoys him, but he always admits afterwards that it's more constructive that way.

I can't offer any advice, yesterday I shouted at my DH from the front garden into the kitchen and called him a 'fucking cleaning Nazi'

I would like to add however that I normally am of the brooding 'I'm fine' school of argument; as it was he conceded my point, the whole thing blew over and we had a really good rest of the day!