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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To intervene in Teeenage girls life....urgent advice needed

29 replies

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 09:18

Briefly..

DS has a very troubled 12 yr old female friend. She comes to our house quite a bit and I like her a lot.

Found notes near my computer late last night (10pm) for someone to meet up....challenged my DS and he said it is this girl and she has arranged to meet a group of 26 yr old boys that she has met through facebook.

I have tried to ring her Dad, I don't know her mum, and even tried to find out his Girlfriends number.

She is apparently coming here to meet with DS just before 11am when she is due to meet them. DS is gutted she will think he 'dobbed' on her, but I feel sick at the thought that she goes ahead. All of my alarm bells are ringing. I have to do something. Her Dad still isn't answering the phone.

What do I do and say? I know she will hate me...she has real adult issues but I can't stand by and do nothing.

OP posts:

LauraIngallsWilder · 31/12/2009 09:24

I wouldnt want to knowingly allow that to go ahead either

Why does she want to meet up with 26yo lads? I would have been terrified at the prospect

Do you know where she lives?

I would sit her down and discuss it with her perhaps

Good luck

MrsBadger · 31/12/2009 09:25

could you offer to go with her?

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 09:28

She 'lives' in our village, but DS thinks she is at her Mums and I don't know where she lives.

I suspect she has lied about her age. She gets in quite a bit of trouble.

She is not completely 'daft' as she wants DS (11) to go with her. I have to talk to her but do I go to where they are meeting, insist she gives me her Dad's number or what?

OP posts:

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 09:35

I think I will try to go with her, not sure about Lads, they are obviously not completely on the level but are probably not aware she is only 12,

OP posts:

LauraIngallsWilder · 31/12/2009 09:35

No offence to your ds (who Im sure is lovely!) but what help will he be in this situation

And there is every possibility that having met them with ds she might meet them again entirely on her own

She needs to know why meeting a group/individual of men is not appropriate.
I am a single adult of 35 (eek!) when I propose to meet someone from a dating website one of my friends always wants to chaperone me!!!!!

THe motives of the 26yo's cannot surely be without some element of danger

Runoutofideas · 31/12/2009 09:36

I'd be tempted to follow her and keep an eye on what's going on, then if anything looks untoward you can casually walk by and help her out. It may be that the lads don't realise she's 12 and probably won't be interested once they realise her age - or is that hopelessly naive of me? Don't know if following her will cause trust issues in the future - if your relationship with her is good then it may be worth trying to talk to her about it first. Is your son supposed to be going with her? Do you know any older teenagers you could send along as back up?

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 09:42

Laura...I completely agree with you...he is not going to be any 'protection' whatsoever. He is a bit of a pipsqueak at the moment!

She is rebelling from what I can gather, but agree to try to talk to her and then keep an eye, she is meeting near our house. I have to tell her parents though, she is MSNing them. Just because I might divert this meeting won't stop her contacting them will it.

OP posts:

DidEinsteinsMum · 31/12/2009 09:43

mits is ds' brother about and could he help? (sorry cant remember whether he lives close by or away). Hope it is ok. txt if you need to.

LauraIngallsWilder · 31/12/2009 09:45

Kissing - that is my point I think, however you intervene today she will go ahead anyway at some point - with these lads or others

She needs to know and understand why it isnt a good idea

And even then she will probably go ahead - but at least you will have tried

Let us know how you get on

fortyplus · 31/12/2009 09:46

I know of a man who ended up going to prison for 4 years for having sex with a 12 year old girl - he was 39 and a blacksmith and used to shoe her pony. My own blacksmith took over the job and said that although the guy was a total arsehole to be having sex with a teenager in the first place (he was married with 4 kids) there was no way the girl only looked 12 - more like 18. The guy's defence was he had no idea she was only 12. So these 26 yo lads could get themselves into an awful lot of trouble, too - the whole situation is a disaster waiting to happen.

YANBU - you are doing exactly the right thing.

tinalane · 31/12/2009 09:46

This is a very difficult situation.

She must be pretending to be older or why would they want to meet her.

It is possible they won't be interested when they find out she's only 12, not all 26 yr old males are paedos are they?

But she is putting herself in a dangerous position.

There's not much you can do, except maybe your DS could take some friends to look after her as well.

Hope it passes ok & soon.

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 09:49

DEM, his older brothers are about, might be a thought, but DS doesn't want to go now. He realises it is a bad idea.

I am going to have to talk to her myself, her Dad is obviously not at home.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2009 09:51

wow at first i thought this was at night!
even so i think you need to tell her parents, sorry. And tell her to keep your ds out of it in future (or get him to tell her that)

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 09:57

My DSS's are 25 and 26, and no, I don't think for a minute all young men are paedos, but I know for certain that they wouldn't be arranging to meet '16' yr old girls that they had only met on FB / MSN either.

Whatever the motives, I don't really care, I just think this has something wrong stamped all over it.

I have family coming over for lunch at the same time. This is going to be an interesting last day of 2009.

Thanks for the advice so far, I need to gather myself and wake the DC's but will get back with what happened later.

Thanks for the advice, and it has helped boost morale, I am a bit of a wimp at the best of times..

OP posts:

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 09:57

Sorry Polar... head is a bit scrambled..

OP posts:

DidEinsteinsMum · 31/12/2009 09:58

I think sending ds with his brothers might be an option mitts as they wont seem so much lke adults to her, they are much older then ds and wiser to the world. They'd also more likely to call the police if things get out of hand and not worry about geting the girl into trouble with her parents - just worry about the safety. I dont think you're going to stop this. I think it is going to happen but your ds' brother can convince these older guys of her correct age and hopefully get them to see sense, if not it is then a situation that you could report to police (?) as it is highly dangerous for this to be occuring and the guys would obviously be fully aware of the situation and that the intentions would therefore be identifiable as not being pure.

Dont worry about txt if you need to. am only an hour 1/2 if needed.

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2009 10:01

no just re read & i'm very bossy! don't envy you! but you did say 11am not pm.

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 10:39

Well, she appears to agree it is a bad idea and has said she is going home at time she should be meeting them and I am going to keep an eye out and have a quiet word if they turn up.

It would hardly be fair for some youth to wind up in trouble because a young lass is on a course for self-destruction.

She turned up with a huge can of red-bull, but suddenly looked very very young and vulnerable for all her make-up and bluster..

I am way too old for this...I need a cuppa.

Thanks again...

OP posts:

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 31/12/2009 11:05

fortyplus - "oh but she looked 18" bullshit!! I hope this man pervertis on the sex offenders register now .

OP - definately tell her parents, can you not contact these guys over the 'tinternet and let them know she is a 12 yo girl, as it is entirely possible that she has been less than honest about her age. The alternative leaves a nasty taste in my mouth

BertieBotts · 31/12/2009 11:16

There is a book about this issue called "Amy" by Mary Hooper, I read it when I was about 14 I think and it did open my eyes to the danger, as the girl in the story makes friends with the guy first, meets up with him with a friend, obviously thinks she has taken safety precautions, but he still turns out to be dodgy. (I can't remember if anything happens to her though so not sure if suitable for a 12yo)

Maybe you could get hold of a copy or suggest she reads it?

coldtits · 31/12/2009 11:28

I went through a weird phase when I was 12 of experimenting with my granny's make up.

I frequently stopped traffic as I wandered around town. I had a peculiarly adult figure. Peculiar because by the time I was 15 I actually looked younger then when I was 12 and not actually trying to attract attention.

I remember some men in a car pulling up, and the driver and the shotgun passenger trying to persuade me to meet them in The King's Head. then the back window rolled down, and it was my mate's brother, who immediately started squealing "No! Noooo! It's Lynne's mate, she's only fucking 12, she's WAy young, fucking drive Daz!"

And they were gone.

But I was so innocent I probably would have gone to meet them, they probably wound't have asked my age, and it could have all gone very very wrong.

Alicehasamincepieintheoven · 31/12/2009 11:32

Mitts - it is possible this girl wants you to step in and stop her. If her home life isn't very stable she may be crying out for someone to put some boundries up iyswim? Make her a cup of tea and have a grown up chat with her. I would like to think this is what someone would do for my DD if they were in that position. Good luck, you are the right person for it

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 11:56

She is definitely a mess...came back down in tears because her Dad had yelled at her, (I know we all do that), but her brother was with her and said she didn't deserve it.

My Mum and Dad were here by then so the youngsters stayed for a bit and I gave them some money to go and have a hot chocolate somewhere.

Anyway, when she had gone Dad gave me a talking to about the trouble with girls, reminded me what a mess I made of my life, at a bit older than that.

The washing machine made a funny noise, spewed water everywhere. I am in the middle of 'fixing' it, the mop fell over, hit me on the head and then the washing rack collapsed.

DD and I ran out of the house giggling to get a chocolate fix and to get some rubber gloves.

...kicks 2009 firmly in the pants.........

OP posts:

Alicehasamincepieintheoven · 31/12/2009 12:00

Glad it worked out ok

Original poster

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 31/12/2009 12:01

coldtits...I guess I sort of identify with her for similar reasons, without make up I looked far older than I was but was incredibly naive, a very bad combination.

I know she goes between her Mum and Dad a lot and DS says foster care has been mentioned, but I have no idea of the facts or her Parents point of view.

I am pretty confident with her though and she knows she is both welcome, but I won't just say what she wants to hear, and will give as balanced a point of view as I can.

Anyway, does anyone know anything about mending washing machines now?

OP posts:

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