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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have anything to do with baby sister, 40 years my junior

39 replies

RedTartanLass · 30/12/2009 18:04

This is a long story worthy of an East Enders episode, but my father has been a crap dad, he had me when he was 21 in the 60's when he had to do the right thing by my mother. He was in the forces so never saw him when we were growing up, when he was home he kept himself to himself in his study. He was never negligent or abusive so I know he wasn't the worse father ever. He and my wonderful mum split up when I was 13 and he moved 200 miles away I rarely saw him, mostly my choice as I was a stroppy teenager who would rather be with her mates at weekends.

Anyway blah blah blah, I had a baby at 18 and he didn't bother to visit me or even drop me a card. He eventually got married to my mum's cousin and brought up her 2 sons, gave them the best of everything, private schools, wonderful holidays and all that money could buy, my ds1 saw his grandfather when he was 2 years old when I tried to get our relationship back on track, but after that we never really saw each other.

Anyway roll on 20 years with minimum contact, he didn?t even bother to send me card or phone me when my mother died. 2 years ago I was told that he had split up with his wife and had nowhere to live, another long story but he ended up living with me for a year.

We semi-built up a sort of relationship and he got to know my youngest children, who called him granddad but he asked ds1, who by this time was 22, to call him his Christian name. He explained that his 2nd wife had been jealous of our relationship and became violent if he visited me. So he chose her and her sons over me, but we worked through this and recently ended up with a relationship, of sorts.

However he got married last year to a girl 10 years younger than me, and has just had a baby daughter, so this is the crunch question AIBU to not want to have anything to do with this step-sister. I cannot stand his 3rd wife she is a princess of the worst kind and does not make my father's life easy. She is controlling and manipulative and at a time when he should be retiring, my father had started new full-time job at the other end of the country.

He never visited or sent cards when any of my 3 Los were born, AIBU to do the same. I so know I am going to get roasted but I do not want anything to do with this baby. I know I'm behaving like a jealous little girl but my RL friends all agree with me, they have seen me in tears over the past 20 years about his behaviour. Please come and give me a sharp talking to and tell me if I'm being totally unreasonable.

OP posts:

LisaD1 · 30/12/2009 18:09

Hmm... Not sure.. I don't think YABU to feel like having nothing to do with your father after all he has put you through but the baby? Well, is just that, a baby, completely faultless in the mess that seems from your post to be your father's life.

Not sure I could cut out a step-sister for no other reason than my dad being crap! But you need to do what sits best with you...

Sorry to hear you lost you mum , what do you think her advice would have been if she were here?

AMumInScotland · 30/12/2009 18:09

It doesn't sound like he's ever really been your father IYSWIM? Would it help if you thought of him as some sort of distant uncle, and didn't expect any more from him than that? You don't have to like his new wife, or have anything much to do with the baby, specially if they live far away. But I'd probably send them a card, wish them luck, and leave them to get on with it.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 30/12/2009 18:11

Yanbu. Does he seem to want you to have a relationship with her?

escape · 30/12/2009 18:12

do you have any kind of relationship with him at the moment? If you are in the same room as them regularly, it could take more effort to 'ignore' baby than just act neutral. If you are not really in each others lives at the moment, don't work yourself up about it. FWIW I know where you are coming from. I adore my dad , but he was over strict and controlling when we were growing up. He's remarried now, and the way he acts with his step daughter is of course, totally different.

I don't begrudge her one iota, she deserves the Dad she never had, and he, well, I think people grow and learn from past mistakes. I do feel sad that he couldn't have been like that for me though, I must admit.

Miggsie · 30/12/2009 18:14

YANBU, you are being human, and I doubt there are many peole who would rush to embrace a half sister 40 years younger by a woman who is 10 years younger than you and whom you don't like.

I agree that sending a card is the maximum effort you should make

salbysea · 30/12/2009 18:15

I think that you are either in or out

either your dad AND his new child are in your lives or they're not

I dont think you can try and salvage some sort of relationship with your dad without including the child, but YANU for having bitter feelings about it, YwouldBVU if this bitterness is EVER passed on to or picked up on by the little girl, its not her fault but I understand your feelings

all or nothing I say.

the christian name thing would have been the final straw for me FWIW

JustAnotherManicMummy · 30/12/2009 18:16

She's not your step-sister. She's your half-sister. And blameless.

If you want a relationship with that side of your family (ie your dad, her and her mother) then have one. If you don't, don't.

I don't think you can just exclude the poor child.

Original poster

RedTartanLass · 30/12/2009 18:27

JustAnotherManicMummy good point must have been a parapraxis, I know she is my half-sister and as been mentioned completly and untterly blameless. I would never ever blame the wee soul, but so not want anything to do with her, plus what the point of building a realtionship with her even if I wanted to. Her mum will bugger off in 2 years when her marriage visa is finshed and she becomes a British citizen.

For what it's worth when my dad first married her, I tried my best to be nice, I was just happy my dad was happy. However she is such hard work, she has to have the princess cup when she visits etc (I kid you not)I do believe she loves my dad but I also know it's not going to work and he's going to get screwed. I am still nice to her, we see each other about once a month, however I do not want to see her anymore. A cofee every 2 months or so with my dad is all I want now :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

RedTartanLass · 30/12/2009 18:28

Also thanks everybody for your restraint, thouhgt I was going to get flamed.

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 30/12/2009 18:33

It is up to you who you choose to have relationships with. You don't have to but if you do stay loyal and constant.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2009 18:33

I would not have anything to do with the baby sister, OR your dad.

He sounds like hard work for little return and toxic.

confuddledDOTcom · 30/12/2009 18:35

I'd do the cards at relevent times but otherwise I'd have a similar level of contact as to your father. I would, however, be careful, it sounds like your relationship with your father has been on and off which could be difficult for your sister so make a choice. If you are going to see your father then you should think about keeping up the same level of contact with your sister whatever happens - that means either you just see your father and not your sister or you continue to have contact whilst you are in an off phase of your relationship.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 30/12/2009 18:38

YABU to take it out on your new baby sister by not bothering with her. Your father and his wife won't care if you don't so don't do it to pay them back.

nighbynight · 30/12/2009 18:44

I would be pretty angry with him, but try to have a reltionship with little sister.
she is your blood relative.

pigletmania · 30/12/2009 18:47

I was the baby sister that you are talking about, it was me 32 years ago, when my mum married my dad (both second marriages for them) and had me. My dad had children from his previous marriage, 1 girl and 3 boys, though my sister was 21 and married she was insanley jealous of me because she saw me as competition for dads affections . I did not feel as though she was like a sister to me, and could be really nasty despite being a grown woman.

Dad would do anything for her, jump and he would say how high, and mum did try her best to be nice to her and to build a relationship with her but she would not allow it and treated her like rubbish. I know that this is hard, and i would feel the same as you if i was not in that similar situation myself, please try for the baby its not her fault she is only a baby.

I dont have a relationship with my sister at all now, she disowned her brothers and i when we sided with her lovely ex husband after she did the dirty on him and had an affair. I have a good friend that is like a sister that i did not have and my SIL is also like a little sister to me and treats me how my half sister should have. Please dont do it, try and have a nice relationship with your little sister its not her fault, you are the adult in this not her.

pigletmania · 30/12/2009 18:49

I am an only child between my mum and dad so no other sisters or brothers aparty from those mentioned above. My mum had no children from her other marriage

MummyDragon · 30/12/2009 18:52

You sound very angry and resentful of your dad, and with good reason, given what you've written in your post.

But do you want your half-sister to feel the same way about you in years to come? Or are you not bothered? Do you feel any sort of sisterly responsibility towards her?(That's not a loaded/judgmental question). If you're genuinely not bothered about any of those things, YANBU. But don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You might find that your half-sister grows into a wonderful woman, despite her princess mother (who sounds awful!), and you might end up having a lovely relationship with her.

I wonder if you are asking yourself these questions because you are worried about being hurt/rejected/taken for granted again??

I don't envy you being in this position, and I hope that nobody on MN would judge you for feeling the way you do, as you've obviously had a lot of sh*t to contend with over the years regarding your dad, and none of us can really put ourselves in your shoes unless we've been through something similar. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.

(Personally, I would send a card now, and work out my feelings in the years to come. You have plenty of time to decide whether to have a relationship with your half-sister or not).

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 30/12/2009 18:55

i think you should absolutely do whatever is in your heart and what you know will make you a happy bunny.

i have no relationship with my mother, my choice, it was just too difficult and made my life too unbearable. she was just too abusive.

if all you want to do is have a coffee once in a while with your dad then do that. he is responsible for his choices and his life, not you.

you must do what you want to do in this. you shouldnt feel you have to have a relationship with anyone just because they are family - you cant choose your family but you do have choices in how you conduct any relationship with them. i have never been happier than when i finally let my relationship with my mother go, she was making me ill.

your life, your decision, just make peace with whatever that is.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2009 18:55

'Dad would do anything for her, jump and he would say how high, and mum did try her best to be nice to her and to build a relationship with her but she would not allow it and treated her like rubbish. I know that this is hard, and i would feel the same as you if i was not in that similar situation myself, please try for the baby its not her fault she is only a baby.'

Yeah, but the difference here is that the OP's father is a jerk who doesn't seem interested in doing what it takes to have a relationship at all with the OP.

Brunettelady · 30/12/2009 18:57

I think it is like the others said, if you want to maintain some sort or relationship with your dad, then its not going to be possible to cut out your half sister entirely. FWIW, blood means fuck all to me. I have a half sister who I'm not overly bothered about and I have a 'sister' who is technically not related to me at all (my dads exP's daughter) but we grew up together and to me, she IS my sister. My mother, obviously blood related, disowned me when I was 4 and still wants nothing to do with me now, so to me, its how you feel, not who you happen to be related to. I also do not blame you for wanting nothing to do with this wife and sister, it sounds to me like the problem you have is more with his wife (I would too have a hard time with the situation you are in as well), so YANBU.

FiveSoloRings · 30/12/2009 19:02

Half sister, not step sister.

harriedandflustered · 30/12/2009 19:03

Some people are just useless

Up to you if you want to have a relationship with someone useless - but you have to be prepared for a lot more heartache.

Ridiculous and irresponsible to have children in your sixties IMO

FiveSoloRings · 30/12/2009 19:08

As it happens, my Dd's half sister is 30 years older than Dd and she doesn't want to know Dd which is fine by me...she's jealous and I wouldn't trust her with my Dd even if she changed her mind now.

Kbear · 30/12/2009 19:12

No one would blame you after the crap you've been through. If I were you I think I would send cards to the baby and maybe a present too - if it makes you feel good to do so, if it doesn't, don't.

Perhaps in years to come when you're 60 and she's 20 she will remember the lovely big sister who welcomed her into her life when she was a baby even though their father was rubbish and you had an axe to grind and you will be thought of highly and have no conscience about the baby you wanted to love but tried not to.

Sorry, sounds a bit like emotional blackmail doesn't it, but she's a baby who has no blame in this scenario and she might bring you much happiness!

pigletmania · 30/12/2009 19:19

Well of course its up to you and who can blame you, just wish that i had a better relationship with my half sister, dad was a wonderful man (died when i was 11)who tried to please everyone and would be upset at how my sister is behaving now. i guess it is slightly a different situation you have been doing your best for your dad and seem like a very nice person. My sister was a spoilt princess and its not only me who thinks so, the rest of our family agrees. Apparently she is unhappy now with her second dh as he has retired and money is not as much as it used to be and so she cannot have as much material possessions as she would like.

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