To not want to have anything to do with baby sister, 40 years my junior

[RedTartanLass]

This is a long story worthy of an East Enders episode, but my father has been a crap dad, he had me when he was 21 in the 60's when he had to do the right thing by my mother. He was in the forces so never saw him when we were growing up, when he was home he kept himself to himself in his study. He was never negligent or abusive so I know he wasn't the worse father ever. He and my wonderful mum split up when I was 13 and he moved 200 miles away I rarely saw him, mostly my choice as I was a stroppy teenager who would rather be with her mates at weekends.

Anyway blah blah blah, I had a baby at 18 and he didn't bother to visit me or even drop me a card. He eventually got married to my mum's cousin and brought up her 2 sons, gave them the best of everything, private schools, wonderful holidays and all that money could buy, my ds1 saw his grandfather when he was 2 years old when I tried to get our relationship back on track, but after that we never really saw each other.

Anyway roll on 20 years with minimum contact, he didn?t even bother to send me card or phone me when my mother died. 2 years ago I was told that he had split up with his wife and had nowhere to live, another long story but he ended up living with me for a year.

We semi-built up a sort of relationship and he got to know my youngest children, who called him granddad but he asked ds1, who by this time was 22, to call him his Christian name. He explained that his 2nd wife had been jealous of our relationship and became violent if he visited me. So he chose her and her sons over me, but we worked through this and recently ended up with a relationship, of sorts.

However he got married last year to a girl 10 years younger than me, and has just had a baby daughter, so this is the crunch question AIBU to not want to have anything to do with this step-sister. I cannot stand his 3rd wife she is a princess of the worst kind and does not make my father's life easy. She is controlling and manipulative and at a time when he should be retiring, my father had started new full-time job at the other end of the country.

He never visited or sent cards when any of my 3 Los were born, AIBU to do the same. I so know I am going to get roasted but I do not want anything to do with this baby. I know I'm behaving like a jealous little girl but my RL friends all agree with me, they have seen me in tears over the past 20 years about his behaviour. Please come and give me a sharp talking to and tell me if I'm being totally unreasonable.

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation - not a good relationship with my Dad, a very poor (although no where near as bad as it was) relationship with my 'step mother' (who is pretty much the same age as me...) and a half sister who is about 35 years younger than me. I felt pretty jealous and disgruntled about the arrival of said baby, but have since developed a lot of fondness for her. So much so that I have asked my Dad to consider me and my partner as guardians for her in the event of anything happening to her parents.
But given all that, I'd say you have to consider your own happiness too - some relationships are too much pain and trouble. But maybe try and keep the door open...?

I am just looking at it from the sisters view and how it might be further along the line. As i have no other brothers or sisters only the ones from my dads first marriage i would have loved a good relationsip with my half sister.

What if the half sister wants a relationship with you and to get to know you when she is older would you reject her because of your fathers bad behaviour.

DHs' children from a previous marriage went through so much heartache with their parents divorce. I was surprised and touched to my heart that they have accepted my DD as their very own sister and loved her, been kind and generous toward her, regardless of the problems they have had with their Dad.

It was not what I was expecting, but she is a huge part of their life and they have their OWN relationship.

Not sure what advice to give you but wanted to share this with you - you can have a relationship on your own terms with this child. She is your blood.

OMG thank you everyone who has posted, I'm sitting here sobbing. How pathetic am I? Oh yes I sooo know I am jelous, of course I am. Doesn't every girl want a dad in her life. I also know what a hypocrite I am, my ds1 was 18 when I had the 2 other Los, but obvioulsy the circunstances were very different.

pigletmania your posts have really sruck a cord and made me think and expat you speak so much sense as well. harriedandflustered I totally agree with you you but that's another thread altogether

Basically I am a very confused, upset middle aged woman who should know better and am pathetically grateful of teh people who have taken time to post here.

I cut my father out of life several times 'cos of upset, but this time I thought it would be different. How can I look at all the millions of baby photos there is bound to be of her, knowing that there is not one of me, as wife number 2 "lost" them.

Just worth noting that some men just don't talk, especially about emotions.

I've been the new stepmother and had the new baby and been resented by both ex wife and children just because I married the Dad / ex husband. (They had been divorced for several years before we even met and still I feel as though I am blamed for everything - nothing to do with me!!!)

It's a complete no-win situation from my point of view unless people learn to accept that when families sadly fragment - for a whole host of reasons - that life goes on and bitterness, resentment and anger only eats into our own lives making us miserable.

Our DS is now 4yrs old and both half sisters (both in their 20's)cannot bring themselves to visit. They do occaisionally talk briefly about him, which is a start, but it can be very hurtful.

And of course, I wonder how I'm going to explain that he has two half-sisters and when asked 'why haven't they visited / met me?' etc... what do I say? "I really don't know"...

Just a gesture of goodwill could help boths sides to move forward?

i would send christmas / birthday greetings but nowt else.

leave the door open for contact when she is older, til then, just get on with pouring all your love time and energy into yourself and your own children.

YANBU!

to be honest, if this woman is 10 years younger than you, the relationship is not going to last is it? not with his track record - so really, getting involved with this baby is only going to lead to heartache for you. Keep a polite distance. No fool like an old fool eh!

Go with your feelings. don't have anything to do with them if you don't want to.

Well hope that telling my story has helped a bit Redtartanlass, at the end of the day its up to you how much contact if any you want with your half sister. Though it would be nice to especially when she is old enough to understand but ultimately the decision is yours. You could see her sometimes, than build it up if you want to later when she is older.

Its really sad that some posters on here are saying keep a distance, dont have anything to do with her, but ultimately you share the same dad and genetics, and she might want a relationship with you and to have a sisterly bond later, shutting her out wont make things better and go away. I would have loved a wonderful relationship with my half sister and to share a bond but unfortunately that did not happen. She told me when i was an adult that she felt jealous of me, and that she wished i was a boy so that she would be daddys little girl. All this coming from a grown married woman at the time not a child.

Do what makes you feel right with yourself and what gives you most peace of mind.

Never particularly warmed to my own step-mother, who was a good 20yrs younger than my father; she very likely married him for the GB citizenship & better life he would give her and her son but my father got what he wanted from the relationship too. She is now dead but have always had a civil relationship with her son who had little choice in what happened and he is not her but his own person. We don't send cards to each other or anything like that but when we occasionally meet it is always very cordial. He is also an equal inheritor in my father's will which doesn't bother me in the least (although I think it does my brother).

Maybe in your circs. I would send a card and even a small present. But actually forming a relationship with your half-sister is probably not going to be down to you but them. If, as you strongly suspect, the relationship fails, then even if you wished to, it would be very difficult to keep any kind of sisterly bond going. But she is her own person and you might find that you like her, even if you don't like her mother who sounds cringingly awful.

YANBU
I feel very sad for you that your Dad has behaved this way, and it sounds to me that despite his bad behaviour you have been very forgiving towards him.

This half sister is only a baby now, so I would advise to do nothing. I agree with others that I cant imagine your dads relationship with this women is going to go the distance, and maybe a few years down the line you might want to have a relationship with your half sister? however you may not either, and that it perfectly OK too.

So maybe send cards, keep your distance but dont 100% shut the door on her?

if you are genuinely happy for your dad then I would send a new baby card.

Must be a very difficult situation for you but if you want a relationship with your dad then maybe do the card and the occasional coffee with him. See it as a gesture to him, not the new wife or the baby.

it's a hard place to be, fil is in a relationshiop with someone younger than dh and we know she wants children.
I really don't know how I'll feel when a baby materialises but I know dh will want nothing to do with it, not as a protest, just because his emotions are taking over and he feels sick at the thought of it, you can't help the way you feel sometimes.
I think it's a shame to loose the relationship with your dad but I know there is only so much crap you can put up with. (sorry, not much help).