to hide my mini bottles of wine from dh?

[issysmilkbottle]

dh likes a couple of beers most nights and in the past has drunk anything else in the house once i've gone to bed.

I bought him a box of ten guiness to have at xmas and some mini wine for me... He drank the guiness xmas eve/day and has bought himself various beers/been to pub each day since.

As i was trying to settle dd who is 5 weeks he came in asking where i'd hiden my wine, i told him he couldn't have it and got in a strop... This unsettled dd and i tried for another hour and half to settle her during which time dh fell asleep downstairs... I then woke him and asked him to help me settle her as he'd unsettled her earlier... He got angry but went up and tried, she wouldn't stop cryimg so i went up and took her. He then raised his voice and slammed the door. I called him an alcoholic.... He said i was a deeply unpleasant person...

Was ibu? Think this might end in divorce....

Ummmm, you have a 5 week old DD and you are hiding and arguing over alcohol?

YANBU - he does sound like an alcoholic. They get very aggressive when alcohol is withheld .

How dare he drink every last drop of his drink and then demand to have yours too and rant and rave when you say no

I think you need to speak to him calmly about this.

The fact you feel you need to hide alcohol from him in the first place is a very telling sign.

If I was in your shoes, I would be seeking professional advice tbh. Maybe AA would be a good place to start.

i don't drink to be honest, prob only a glass a month and nothing at all for the past year due to pregnancy. I specifically bought mini bottles for me so that i could have a glass as a treat, problem is dh thinks any alcohol not drunk within a day is fair game....

I think we are both stressed and over tired which doesn't help and he thinks that me doing this makes me a control freak... perhaps i am, i just kike to be organised and for treats to last more than a day. I have a ds who is ten also and dh has a 14 year old dd, who incidently was found to have drunk her mum and step dads gin behind their back today....

yanbu to hide them from him, they are your special Christmas wine and not just everyday wine in the house. What right does he have to them? If you offered them it would be different. Also, being the child of an alcoholic father, it is my opinion that a person drinking up all the alcohol in the house on a regular basis (and getting angry when it is denied to them) is a very bad sign. I know you were speaking from a tired, frustrated and hurt place, but calling him an alcoholic obviously hit a nerve. And it is of course unpleasant when someone forces us to face our demons. It doesn't mean that you as a person are unpleasant.

Is there any possibility that he could have a calm and rational discussion about it with you in the light of day?

how do i raise the subject without him getting all het up about it?

This arguement, like in the past will 'be all my fault'... He says i try and make him feel guilty and he never admits he was in the wrong...

his dad was an alcoholic... But because he doesn't drink all day/spirits etc he says he doesn't have a problem. He admits he is a heavy drinker at times but thinks its ok cause he works hard, which he does!

I know he idolises the kids and they love him, as i do, i just worry about his health but anything i say or do is wrong...

"But because he doesn't drink all day/spirits"

it's astonishing how people can bury their heads in the sand and tell themselves they don't have a drink problem because they don't drink spirits, or they can't be an alcoholic because they don't drink in the daytime.

It's the total number of alcoholic units drunk in a 24 hour period that count. What time they were drunk is irrelevant.

Never underestimate the power of denial

he went out for a walk and to try and make peace i've given him my wine... I know its giving into the strop and the wrong thing to do but i don't want to argue anymore and in future i just wont buy any alcohol for either of us...

He's not talking to me now and i think he might decide to leave... V sad with a 5 week old...

I'm sorry this situation has turned out so poorly for you Of course you know that giving him your wine wasn't a good solution, but I have done similar in the past so I understand your choice.

However. He needs to decide which takes priority in his life; you and the children, or drink. I will not say that you're well shot of him if he chose drink. Part of me thinks it, but really, what I think is that you and your children deserve so much more. I love my dad dearly, but there is still a hurt little girl part of my heart that doesn't understand why beer was more important than me.

He needs to straighten it out, or you are going to have very difficult choices to make.

Oh dear, alarm bells... He certainly sounds like my DH who is a self-admitting alcoholic.

Telling him he is an alcoholic will only send him on the defensive. Far better to raise the issue with "your drinking habits are affecting me". You may still hit a brick wall but this way you are putting the focus on the behaviour rather than on him iyswim.

There is nothing you can do to stop an alcoholic from drinking. You can't hide booze, persuade, nag, cajole, threaten etc. Well, you can do these things but they are futile and can actually exacerbate the problem. All you can do is get support for yourself.

There are 2 sources of support that I use at the moment (my DH still drinks himself to sleep on the sofa every night). One is a thread on here in the relationships section 'support for partners of addicts'. The other (and most significant) is an organisation called alanon, who help family members or partners affected by someone who is an alcoholic. (Sorry I have problems doing links when I post using my phone)

Your DH may beleve that an alcoholic is someone who drinks all day, every day, and can't hold down a job. Not so. But he has to come to the realisation himslf and if he does ever change his behaviour it will be because he wants to change it, not because you want him to.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's fucking awful. Take pride in yourself and your dc. You are not responsible for saving him. You can only look after yourself and dc.

thank you for your kind words and advice. I've left him downstairs now and am in the bedroom with dd and crying under the duvet.

I will step right back and like you say, concentrate on me and the dcs... Its my second marriage and i am gutted its going wrong, i have my phd to concentrate on when i come off maternity leave too so the future looks good with or without him, hopefullt he will change and we can griw old together but if not then i will know i put the dcs first at least....

Best of luck issysmilkbottle.

Do please try alanon. I find it a massive help at the moment. It keeps me on the straight and narrow - ie looking after myself and my dd only.

And keep posting.

Hi Issy, echo Mrs S....I've been there too. So I know exactly what you are going through. The main thing here is not whether he is/is not an alcoholic, but the fact that his drinking habits are affecting you

Please, give Alanon a try, it has help a lot of us to deal with the same situation - you need to start putting the focus on yourself & your DC.

Please allow your H to hit his own rock bottom as this may just be the very thing that gets him to sober up. Re-iterating Mrs S - don't nag, scold, berate, confront.

You have a choice on what to do about getting help, your children don't.
Just remember that:

You cannot Control this
You didn't Cause this
You cannot Cure this

If you have time, please read the 2 threads on support for the partners of addicts. There are lots of us out there; you are not alone and we can offer you the support that you will need because we know exactly what you are going through.

Good luck and keep posting. SSX

thank you.

Do your dh's know that you use alanon? If they do, how did they react when you told them?

I don't think dh will take it well as he denies there is a problem....

He came up to bed around 2 i think and gave me a little hug. Dd woke a little while ago, just fed her and trying to get her back to sleep but dh is snoring really loudly. I've poked him a few times but he has a go aT me... Wish he'd have stayed downstairs! Dd keeps waking and i know i wont sleep through it.... Arghhh thank god for mobile internet to keep me sane!

Sorry you're having a rough night, Issy (I'm only up at this hour 'cos I'm on a nightshift!)....but take it one day at a time - today is another day. I so know what you are going through....

Yesterday was shit, but today you are going to do something +ve about helping you and you C. It sounds like you have hit your rock bottom - don't be scared; the world is not going to end because you are going to make that call. I promise [holding your hand emoticon!

I only told my EH about going to Alanon when he asked me where I was going. It should be 'need to know' basis - it's really none of his business where you are going!

Your H will try to dissuade you from going but you stick to your guns. You are going FOR YOU, not him. We do not talk about the alcoholic in Alanon, though he will assume that that is all you will do. He will make all sorts of wild promises because he doesn't want anything to change - but a change in how you react to his drinking may be the thing that helps him find sobriety.

And even if it doesn't, well you will still be so much better for it because you will be with the only people who can really help, You will no longer be a screaming harpy because you will have a better understanding of why they behave as they do. We can support you because we will have experienced exactly what you're experiencing - unlike your friends & family in RL, who may be well meaning but have absolutely no idea at all and cannot hope to give you that level of support.

Try to read the partners of addicts thread - there is more info about detatchment (from the mad behaviour), meetings, websites & contact no's. Ring the General Service Office to find out where your nearest meeting is (sorry, not got no. on me as @ work). I'm not that good about linking things.

You can always CAT me if you need more info. about meetings. SSX

I'm glad secretsquirrel saw this - she talks a lot of sense.

I hope you got some sleep eventually issy. I couldn't stifle my bitter snort of laughter when I read what you said about snoring and wishing he had stayed downstairs. Every night I sneak up to bed quietly, hoping dh won't wake and join me And when I hear him coming to bed I get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not a good state of affairs is it..

As for telling him about going to alanon, I echo secretsquirrel on that one. It's on a need to know basis. My dh knows I go to a meeting and yes, he assumes that it's a load of women sitting about bitching about their husbands which it really isn't. He doesn't like me going and he can sometimes be very difficult about it but I just stay quietly firm about it and go. I said that my dh was a self-admitted alcoholic but he is still in a lot of denial too, thinkIng that the problem isn't that bad and I'm over reacting, etc etc.

Do something positive today for you and your beautiful dc.

thank you, i was up at 7 with dd and spent some time reading the support thread while she slept. Dh has a day off today and as usual is still in bed.... We were supposed to be going into town together today, not sure if thats going to happen, i am still not supposed to drive yet but am feeling ok so might take dd to supermarket later and have a coffee in the cafe....

Thank you for all the support and advice, must go and change dd as she's been making some funny faces so i suspect she has a pressie for me! Lol

You gave him your wine?
Poor you. I have no sensilbe advice but I can'tbelieve you were so worn down that you gave him your wine to make peace

and the funny thing is he didn't drink it, 'to prove i'm not an alcoholic...'

Well we had a nice afternoon in town but instead of coming back with us he's popped to the pub 'for a cheeky pint or two', he asked if that was ok and i refused to say either way, only saying that it was his choice... So much for giving dd a bath together tonight!

On a plus note, he's realised he needs to set better example to his dd, aged 14 who helped herself to her mums gin because she 'felt down'. He had a go at her on phone and has said to me that he'll totally not drink next time she's here

Not drinking that wine proves nothing, I'm sorry to say. Most alcoholics are able to not drink one drink, or for one night, one week or even longer, in an attempt to prove to themselves and those around them that they are in control of the drinking. But it always comes back - always - until they are able to admit it's a problem and get proper treatment or help.

Also going for a 'cheeky pint' is an attempt to make it sound friendly and innocent. This reminded me of my DH yesterday when he texted me a list for the supermarket. Next to 'red wine' he put ;-) as if it somehow makes him a bit of a cheeky lad, endearingly naughty rather than an addict.

Having said all that, I'm glad you enjoyed your time together this afternoon though Issy. Maybe you feel there is indeed hope for your marriage yet. I haven't given up hope on mine yet

he did ask and she said nothing much. I think she gets bored at home, her mum and stepdad arent very proactive... Whereas my ds has loads of after school activities dsd has none, never has, and she often stays up on computer until 2-3am and at weekends is allowed to stay in bed all day, once on fb i saw she'd not gotten up until 6pm!

Quick update on yesterday... Dh came home about half eight... Was a bit annoyed but said nothing and i think that shocked him! He went to bed just after ten as has to walk to work at half six in morning - rubbish buses here at the mo! And he seems in a brighter mood. He went to sleep in ds room, he's away at mo, at about half twelve - think i might have been snoring! and just checked we were ok while i was feeding dd... At least his snoring wont keep us up! Am checking threads on my phone while dd settles back - great technology eh?