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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is dp being unreasonable?

33 replies

just1moreplease · 29/12/2009 21:05

firstly let me apologise in advance, this may be long.

dp and i have lived together for 18 mnths. he moved in with me and my 2dc.

my relationship with dc father was a disaster and he left me up to my eyeballs in debt.

because of this i am fiercely independant financially. dp knows this and respects it.

when he moved in we agreed that he would pay x amount towards the running of the house.

this arrangement has been fine. the way i see it is if he decides to up and leave 2moro it would have a very minimal effect on us money wise.

so, the point of my thread...i wrk pt time, dp works full time. a few times recently dp has made comments on things not being done around the house. some of his jeans not been washed, blah blah blah.

i told him if he wants things done he should maybe learn to do them himself. his answer was that as he works full time i should be doing ALL the house work.

my reply was 'well you dont work to support me, so no i wont be doing everything'

he has really taken offence at this and i cant see why.

he is very generous with his money when it comes to me, dc and our home so this really isnt a character assasination and i dont want to hear i should be making him pay more etc etc. i am very happy with the financial arrangement as it is.

so is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Plumm · 29/12/2009 21:11

Yes he is BU. You've made your feelings on your independence very clear and this includes looking after him. He's a grown man, he can do his own washing.

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 21:13

he is unreasonable in expecting bulk of his domestic chores undertaken by you. can he not do them himself.the money is a red herring he needs to take some responsibility for his chores.simple as that

SleighGirl · 29/12/2009 21:13

you need to remind him that bringing up 2dc and running a house/home is more than a full time job.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 29/12/2009 21:13

He should pay for a cleaner if he doesn't want to help. He is BVVU.

jasper · 29/12/2009 21:14

sounds like you have made very sensible financial arrangements but the household domestic chore stuff needs a discussion.

Yes if you work part time you will probably do more of the household chores, but ALL of them? That's not fair, is it?

You need to have a chat about who does what at home .
Good luck

MrsSawdust · 29/12/2009 21:14

He is definitely being unreasonable if he expects you to do ALL the housework. Even if he did support you financiallyand you didn't work outside the home, that would be unreasonable.

You are not his hired housekeeper.
He is a grown man, not a helpless child.

HTH

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 21:15

we both work ft.dp gets shirts ironed and laundered.suits to dry cleaners and if he needs more he does it himself

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 29/12/2009 21:15

Tell him men who do their fair share of the housework get better sex and more of it. (THis is, in fact, completely true. Men who don't pull their weight domestically get less sex because their wives/girlfriends resent being treated like servants and sex starts to feel like another chore the woman has to perform for the man's benefit).

LynetteScavo · 29/12/2009 21:20

He is BU.

YANBU

ImSoNotTelling · 29/12/2009 21:20

Ouch.

Of course he is BU saying you should do all of it. Sounds like a nasty exchange of words though.

Then what others have said.

Could you afford cleaner & split the cost however seems right, might help.

Of course you shouldn't be doing all of it

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 21:26

think this will resolve easily.calmly discuss and be clear all his domestic chores not wholly your responsibility - he gets an ironing service or service wash or does himself

Original poster

just1moreplease · 29/12/2009 21:26

thanks all. although i work 5 hrs a day i am actually out for 7 hours a day with dropping off/picking up dc.

he seems to think i have loads of 'spare time'

i cant belive he reacted that way though. must of hurt his pride.

i know he would love for us to have a baby of our own and for me to be a sahm.

thing is he has always been good around the house. must be a spot of male pmt or something.

OP posts:

Original poster

just1moreplease · 29/12/2009 21:31

to be fair he does help and he does do the majority of the cooking.

i dont see why he has suddenly gone so anal about things.

if he comes home from work and says he is too tired to cook or walk the dog etc then as far as im concerned that is fine.

but if i havent done somthing then i have been made to feel lazy. although he has never actually says that.

looks like we need to have a chat doesnt it?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 21:33

if things are overall good then this is a glitch.so calmly discuss,no argy bargy,agree concrete plan

SleighGirl · 29/12/2009 21:37

Perhaps you draw up your day in time slots and how long chores take to do so he can see how much "free" time you have

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2009 21:38

The household used to be just you and your DC. He has since joined this household. Everyone in a household contributes to it, and is supported by it. It seems that he mas mistaken his financial contribution as being all that is required of him, and expects the support of the household in return for that and that alone. Maybe this is how he was brought up, in a breadwinner/homemaker environment. But this is not how your household runs.

He is being unresonable. He needs to understand that his contribution must be more than financial. I guess he just didn't understand that when the financial agreement was made.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2009 21:41

Oops, took too long to (cross-)post that (watching Triffids whilst I type)!

Heated · 29/12/2009 21:47

YANBU at all. He met you when you were fiercely independent and presumably he did his own laundry then? Well nothing's changed. No man is such a catch that you'd want to scrub his smalls. If he objects or doesn't want to do it himself then he can pay someone to do it.

Tryharder · 29/12/2009 21:58

I actually disagree with the general consensus on this thread. I suspect underlying issues. Given the fact that he pays you what amounts to board and lodging, he probably feels like a non permanent paying guest which you have confirmed yourself as you have based your arrangement on the presumption that he will probably "up and leave".

If you are serious about this relationship, then you need to overcome your trust issues and pool your finances/resources and work together as a team rather than 2 separate entities who happen to live in the same house.

Does that make sense? Sorry, am dog tired and coming down with another cold.

Original poster

just1moreplease · 29/12/2009 22:04

whereyouleftit yes , he was brought up as you said. breadwinner/homemaker etc.

he has said numerous times he would love for me to be a sahm. although i think he would be in for a shock!

i have absolutely no problem with doing the majority of house work. i am home more than him afterall.

my problem is with his expectation of what i should be doing with my time.

if i dont want to do the hoovering then surely thats my choice. i could understand if it was every day or if the house was dirty.

his argument is that he works ft and does things around the house.

my argument is that he is never asked to do anything.

he doesnt see any difference.

im sure it will be sorted quickly.

i should add that we have both been under a fair amount of stress lately. health issues on my part and he did have a spell of unemployment this year. so maybe that is a factor. who knows with men!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 29/12/2009 22:05

no,have to say maintain financial status.commitment isnt about a joint account.it runs deeper.imo,this isnt about money -the money is a red herring.it is about roles and responsibilities and expectations. and no amount of account swopping or merging will address that

poinsettydawg · 29/12/2009 22:07

how old are your dc, please?

Original poster

just1moreplease · 29/12/2009 22:13

tryharder what you say does make sense and we have had this conversation. i realise from what i have said it may sound like dp is just lodging but it really isnt like that.

dp is very much part of mine and dc lives and we do have plans to marry and have dc of our own if pssible.

when my relationship with dc father ended i was left in serious financial trouble and i came extemely close to losing our home it has taken me nearly 4 years to pay off the debts that he left me with.

i think i would be irresponsible to put myself in that situation again. or even put myself at risk of being in that situation again.

i really do think dp see's this as his home, he has done alot to the house, and we do have some shared(small) financial responsibilties together.

OP posts:

Original poster

just1moreplease · 29/12/2009 22:15

ds is 9 and dd is 5

OP posts:

poinsettydawg · 29/12/2009 22:22

Are the children at school? Maybe he just wonders what you do during the day on your days off.

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