Not to expect my mother to go into a full scale strop over a fecking xmas pudding!!

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

Oh god, my mother!!! again!!!!

She is lovely really, and very generous - but herin lies the problem i guess. She always gives us a large amount of money at christmas. And has bailed us out a couple of times this year and i am ETREMELY GRATEFUL. However, i dont act any differntly with her because she gives us money.

I help her out, as much as she will accept, we include her in our plans when it isnt always convenient and i think i do good by her generally. We cooked her a turkey over xmas even though we are veggie (although i did win the battle and have a small bird!), we took her to inlaws on boxing day - run her around the shops to do her shopping, etc etc.

Anyway, she bought xmas puddings around for xmas day, no one had one as we were all full up and we dont have a microwave - we just dint bother. So yesterday she phoned me, can i have a couple of the puddings, yes of course i say - she says she will pop round for them, i say, im going to the soft play with DD i'll drop it round on the way.

Well - i forgot, plain and simple, DP and i were having issues, DD was tetchy and a pain to get ready, I just forgot, gone from my seieve like head. So at about six she rings, "where is the pudding", i said, oh shit i forgot - i got screamed at, that i take the piss out of her and that she does so much for me - um, well, yes, she does, financially, and i am grateful i really am. But i just forgot, i had a lot on my mind yesterday and i forgot - so anyway, she slammed teh phone on me and left me in tears - i went round with the puddings anyway - but she refused to anser the door - have phoned several times today and no answer.

Both me and DP have said, OK put her xmas money in an envelope and give it back to her if she feels that way - i would, but that would make things worse really - it will blow over, it alwasy does, but it just pisses me off - she thinks all she has to do is throw money at me.

She NEVER looks after DD, but then moans that she doesnt spend much time with her - um, she is welcome any time - but she wants to take her to cafes after school and she is too tired. We asked her to look after DD for an hour while we did the xmas shop - she said, oh, i'll come with you then i can take dd to the coffee shop, i only need a few bits - i was a bit as i knew tesco would be hell on earth and said that DP would take her to do her shopping afterwards - easier all round. No no, she insisted that DD would like going to the coffee shop - so what happened, she disappeared, we ended up dragging dd around the isles, she was very good actually, but the queues were unbelieveable and we were ages - so, my mother had a go at me because we took too long!!! FFS.

I feel like a bag of nerves today, DP and i fell out yesterday and now my mother on top of everything and my anxiety levels are through the roof again.

I feel guilty, but im not sure what for - yes, i would have been mighty pissed off about the puddings, but it is the massive over reaction that pisses me off - i forgot, i just forgot.

Some people use money to control you. If a 'gift' comes with strings, is given in order to bind you - refuse it. Someone who throws their generosity in your face wasn't being generous at all, but had other motives.

YANBU. I feel your pain. Just breathe and put it down to usual Christmas fallouts. Forgetting stuff like that is expected at this time of year, this too will pass

You have to start refusing her offers of help if you possibly can. She is using money to control you.

Her not opening the door is so childish and nasty.

Xmas and mothers NIGHTMARE! Don't give the money back as that will impact on teh future.Nip round say sorry and give her the bloody things.My mum informed my sister and I on xmas day that salt is not bad for you and doctors are making it up.This is becuase my brother who can do no wrong covers his food in it and I was trying to get him to have less!

Hi - just wanted to reply. I see this argument is the last thing you need at the moment.

Good for you to let off steam. I don't think that anything you've told us is grounds for feeling guilty. The puddings were obviously more important to her than you realised, but you did not forget on purpose ! It was really childish of her not to accept your apology and to slam the phone down.

To reduce your anxiety, and get it out of your head, I 'd write a letter to her, then destroy it. I will stop you going over and over it in your mind.

Then hopefully you'll be able to talk to her at a later date....

i know mme, its pants - but the money has helped us out greatly, and in a way i take it because she has to feel useful, iyswim. She is 74 and very fit, but does have a medical condition that makes me uncomfortable when she does this because she really does need me to keep half an eye on her - especially as when she gets a strop on she doesnt take her medication and that could be fatal

I'm heartily sick of being manipulated!! And the money is empty giving in my book - she gave us the money to go and buy DDs present, well she said she would give it to us £150, very generous - she didnt have the money on her that particular day, we went shopping and i phoned to see what she wanted us to buy - she is perfectly capable of coming and choosing for herself, but anyway, we used our money and believe me, its short, and she hasn't given it to us, but gave us more than that for xmas money - so of course, i cant and wont ask for it. She is insisting we buy a matress with the money she gave us, but we need to pay the mortgage with it as we are broke after DP having to have two weeks off before xmas due to a client pulling out at the last minute (hes a builder). But we can manage without it, so still very tempted to give it back to her - but that would be churlish, it would alleviate my guilt!!

If you can manage to put by a little bit of emergency funds then do this, that way the next time your DH does not get paid, you can afford to pay your morgage or whatever.

Put the money she gave you away so that you have it for an emergency if you can do without it right now.

She does not forget to take her medicine if she is in a strop, she lets you think that as it is one more way of controlling you.

Stop taking the money. She is effectively buying a little bit of you when she gives it.

Mme, if only we have financial difficulties and pretty much every penny accounted for, nowt left for emergency funds, but things are improving slowly but surely so definately in our action plan! Just seems that at the moment, as soon as any money comes in, its accounted for - a very familiar tale im sure.

Am definately going to stop taking money from her - it makes me feel shit even when she isnt being an arsehole.

Money is often poison in families I have found. It just gets too complicated.

It was handled badly, but from her point of view, it was only a simple thing she asked you to do.

Give the money back, don´t take any more & stop doing so much for her!

oh i know that!! just phoned her and some miracle she answered, but couldnt get two words out of her - will just let her stew in her own juices for a while. she does this regularly and regularly it ties me in knots and reverberates through MY family, and im not having it!

You say your mum is 74, does she live alone? Could she be depressed or fearful of old age?

well quite possibly, stick to your guns, but then she has been like this for YEARS!

I do feel sorry for her, but if she chooses to behave like this then it is up to her, she can stew til she comes round in her own time - its like a child really, if you give in to tantrums, they learn that they work!

Usually when people give you money for birthdays/xmas it's for you to do what you want with it.
It's a bit unreasonable for her to stipulate what you have to do with it.
If she wanted to get you a mattress for xmas she could have ordered it and had it delivered to your house.

There's no point in having a mattress if you can't pay your mortgage.

It's very generous of her to give you that money, but you shouldn't feel indebted to her because you accept it. Gifts of money should just be gifts with no strings attached.

There's probably an element of control on her part in giving you the money, but from what you've written it sounds like you are doing what she wants and accommoudationg her more than you might usually, maybe because you do like and need the money and if you weren't as good to her she might stop giving it.

Now, please don't take that the wrong way, it doesn't mean that you're money grabbing or only see her in order to get money. I know how handy that money must be for you - my parents give me money and believe me I couldn't do without it, but they don't ask anything of me in return.

It's damn hard to refuse it especially when you're short, but if it's genuinely given as a gift you shouldn't have to refuse it, or be made to feel like you owe her.

Step back a bit, include her in your plans but only if it suits you (obviously she's your mum and you like to see her too presumably), but when she wants to take dd into a coffee shop, put your foot down if it's not what you want.

If the money stops then you know that she was buying you, as it were, and you don't want that sort of money anyway.

What undomestic housewife said.

My grandfather was very generous and always said that if you give someone a gift you give it freely - so if you give money you can't tell them what to spend it on.

He was a miserable old git in other ways but he had a point with that one I think.

Glad you got a small bird in the end BTW!

You are being unreasonable in not allowing your Mother to have a strop! You can at least come on here and have your's or sound off to your DP. Who can your DM let off steam to except you? - her nearest and dearest? It has undoubtably been a stressful Christmas all round (never had one yet that was not!)and probably most of us could come on here and post a long tirade of real and imagined slights. I certainly could - mostly on the topic of why the difficult in-laws get treated with kid gloves and have everyone dance to their tune, whilst we - the hands on, everyday, maternal GPs - are taken for granted.

However, I have been the struggling mum trying to keep everyone happy and create the perfect Christmas, whilst my DMIL would not sit in the same room as my DM, would not tell anyone what she had bought for the DDs, etc. etc. At that time, I would have been 100% supportive of your position in all this. Now I am one of the moaning elderly, who feels sidelined and included only when necessary or needed for childminding. I have at least a DH to complain to, if I can get a word in between his constant moaning.

I have also been a child in the midst of an extended family, where various folk tried to 'best' each other in terms of bigger and better presents, got drunk and walked out when other relatives arrived, etc. etc. And you know what? I thought all these Christmasses were wonderful and had no idea about the stresses and tensions behind the scenes, the epedemic of bitten lips, which is, of course, how it should be.

Please forgive your Mum for her lapse where the bitterness has spilled out. Remember that she has no one for whom she is their 'special person'. Maybe, occasionally, take her flowers or out for a 'girly' treat - something just for her, not as an 'add on' to a whole family treat.

Finally, 74 is quite old. Daughters who see their parents regularly do not seem to notice that they are getting old, tire easily, need to visit the toilet very frequently, do not sleep well, need to plan ahead for childminding and outings. It is only now that I am the Grandparent that I see the difficulties my parents were struggling with when I complained that they did not do enough with their DGs. In the circumstances they went way beyond what was comfortable for them. Thanks Mum! I wish I had been kinder to you then.

granny23 what a lovely post. We could use your perspective a bit more often!

granny, i appreciate your every point! but what can i do when she wont answer the phone or door to me, she did answer the phone to me last night but was so offhand and rude that i was really embarrassed. We are off to tesco shortly, will phone to see if she wants anything, but short of that i dont see what more i can do - i have spent far too much of my life being made to feel guilty for other people, i have to consider my family too - DP and I have come to blows many a time (not literally) because i have taken it out on him when my mother has been shit - its like a self destruct button i have and she knows how to press it.

I am genuinely upset - i don't like taking her money but i have really needed it. Also, and im not being trite here, for some reason - she just seems to grow money - not that she isnt entitled to various pensions and benefits etc but the money doesn't actually mean anything to her, it never has done. I guess that is my way of justifying it to myself.

I just wish she wouldnt be so fucking cantankerous - she fell out with her sister who is 80 and lives in australia - she was supposed to be goign to stay with her for three months, but it was called off and they ended up fighting in the streets - i kid you not, the police were called! She is affectionately known as Nana of catherine tate fame in our family, we havea hyacinth too

I hate to think of her on her own but i am sick of being manipulated. She manipulated and bullied my dad for his entire life and made his life hell and there is a small part of me that will never forgive her for that - that makes me feel guilty too - does it show that im a catholic!! i feel guilty a lot!!

I dont know, its all a bit crap - she'll get over it, i can't change a lifetime of behaviour, just have to ride the storm - but in truth, the one she is making the most miserable is herself - we will probably go for dinner today, little treat, we deserve it, we would usually invite her but of course now she wont come

Trouble is, her life has always been insular, but she always had my dad and her family, her brothers have gone now and she will sadly never speak to her sister again, who i have heard is in poor health.

Hmmmmmm, i could buy her flowers but its just pandering to her negative behaviour isn't it. No, i wont buy her flowers now - and to be honest, the dog only knocks them over but maybe i'll get her a plant or something AFTER she comes round. She will never apologies, she has NEVER ever apologised in all of her 74 years, she is often too embarrassed - i will just have to wait til she comes to her senses. Dozy old bat

YANBU. It was a genuine mistake on your part.

You sound lovely. Agree with the other posters who say to take a deep breath and wait for it to blow over.

Its that post christmas time of year. Its not fair that your mother has poured all this on you, but dont take it to heart. I am sure she doesnt mean it.

Agree with others that the money is being used to control you. And giving £150 for you to buy your dd's present from her is ridiculous! It's an obscene amount for a young child, and presumably more than you would spend yourselves, so it's undermining you too.

When favours come with strings attached it's rarely worth it.

so, rang her again tonight, well actually got DP to ring as i was "scared" - i suffer from anxiety and dont like confrontatin. DP rang and rang, she didnt answer, she definately would be home - so now im wavering between bloody fucking angry and worried - which makes me more angry because thats what she wants.