Not to expect my mother to go into a full scale strop over a fecking xmas pudding!!

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

Oh god, my mother!!! again!!!!

She is lovely really, and very generous - but herin lies the problem i guess. She always gives us a large amount of money at christmas. And has bailed us out a couple of times this year and i am ETREMELY GRATEFUL. However, i dont act any differntly with her because she gives us money.

I help her out, as much as she will accept, we include her in our plans when it isnt always convenient and i think i do good by her generally. We cooked her a turkey over xmas even though we are veggie (although i did win the battle and have a small bird!), we took her to inlaws on boxing day - run her around the shops to do her shopping, etc etc.

Anyway, she bought xmas puddings around for xmas day, no one had one as we were all full up and we dont have a microwave - we just dint bother. So yesterday she phoned me, can i have a couple of the puddings, yes of course i say - she says she will pop round for them, i say, im going to the soft play with DD i'll drop it round on the way.

Well - i forgot, plain and simple, DP and i were having issues, DD was tetchy and a pain to get ready, I just forgot, gone from my seieve like head. So at about six she rings, "where is the pudding", i said, oh shit i forgot - i got screamed at, that i take the piss out of her and that she does so much for me - um, well, yes, she does, financially, and i am grateful i really am. But i just forgot, i had a lot on my mind yesterday and i forgot - so anyway, she slammed teh phone on me and left me in tears - i went round with the puddings anyway - but she refused to anser the door - have phoned several times today and no answer.

Both me and DP have said, OK put her xmas money in an envelope and give it back to her if she feels that way - i would, but that would make things worse really - it will blow over, it alwasy does, but it just pisses me off - she thinks all she has to do is throw money at me.

She NEVER looks after DD, but then moans that she doesnt spend much time with her - um, she is welcome any time - but she wants to take her to cafes after school and she is too tired. We asked her to look after DD for an hour while we did the xmas shop - she said, oh, i'll come with you then i can take dd to the coffee shop, i only need a few bits - i was a bit as i knew tesco would be hell on earth and said that DP would take her to do her shopping afterwards - easier all round. No no, she insisted that DD would like going to the coffee shop - so what happened, she disappeared, we ended up dragging dd around the isles, she was very good actually, but the queues were unbelieveable and we were ages - so, my mother had a go at me because we took too long!!! FFS.

I feel like a bag of nerves today, DP and i fell out yesterday and now my mother on top of everything and my anxiety levels are through the roof again.

I feel guilty, but im not sure what for - yes, i would have been mighty pissed off about the puddings, but it is the massive over reaction that pisses me off - i forgot, i just forgot.

Does she have caller display?

Withold your number then she'll answer, and at least you'll know she's OK.

Just leave her for a few days and stoop fussing over her, of course she's OK, she's just being very childish and playing power games. If you keep trying to contact her you're just playing her games. Stop participating and get on with your life and leave her to calm down. She got OTT upset over something silly.
The whole thing is a storm in a teapot. Just leave it.
Some people need time to calm down and constantly hassling them with phone calls and knocks on the door doesn't help.
You are trying to control her by making her take your calls/ see you in the same way she is trying to control you by not talking to you as she presumably knows you get in a tizz if she won't speak to you.
Back off and forget her for a bit and the argument will fizzle out.

phoned her today, she answered, foul mood continued but has a bad cold. I phoned on the pretence of asking if she wanted anything from the shop - she said the classic "oh i can't think" i knew full well she would need things like bread, cat meat, milk etc - so i bought it, i bought her a couple of ready meals and some chocolate biscuits. DP was and said the very thing that everyone here said "she is controlling you" yep, but she is my mother and has no one else (partly her own fault). Dropped the shopping off - she said, "oh, well, ive been out already, i had to take the dog out (dig dig, it has been pissing down all day so she is letting me know she had to take the dog out in the rain - if she had asked i would have taken him but we took DD ice skating). I started to say about she should have told me that she had a cough and i would have got cough mixture, she took the shopping and shut the door -

At least i know she is OK, so thats my bit done - she can ring me if she wants anything.

She sounds like terribly hard work.

for you. You have done the right thing though.

'she is letting me know she had to take the dog out in the rain'....

I think you need a "I do not look for trouble" policy. Unless she TELLS you that she resents taking her own dog out (WTF?) then you need to find a way to not tap into the unspoken reproof that she seems to have got you very well trained to sense.

If you are going to sense her undertone and be stressed by it that just sounds so miserable

that is a very good poinot cirrhosis - it is unspoken, she doesnt have to say a word!! but anyway - i am getting better at ignoring it, and ranting on here certainly helps!

I feel for you. Your Mother is bloody hard work - if she wasn't your Mother I'd say she was barking - but that's just not polite is it

There seem to be some of us whose default mode is 'guilty' and we are easily manipulated by the 'undertone'... when you work out how to stop this happening let me know and I'll do the same for you!

Try not to take it out on your DH, make up from the other day and hang in there - you're not alone!!

its ok chipping, i'll say it for you - mad as a box of frogs!!

will have to ring her tonight for new year - she best pull herself together, because one of my resolutions is to take none of her shite!!

My mum is a bit of a pain re money. She was widowed 3 years ago. Since then she has had pension after pension thrown at her. Dad was reasonably well paid thus secured a good pension, and thankfully it didn't reduce by much at all for mum when he died.

Then, a year ago, in researching a slight difficulty in a proving of nationality thing (passports) for the DCs I came across a Widows and Orphans pension dad had paid into for 8 years whilst abroad in the 50s and 60s. We duly contacted them and mum was given a £4000 pay out and £1500 pa. She offered to put this money towards a family holiday for all of us (me, my family and DB) so off we went, very nice. But bloody hell, was she Madam Bountiful about it all!

Thing is she enjoyed it so much she's made me book a re-run THIS year (these hols cost £1500 all up) BUT has a) announced she's not funding it, and b) starting inviting her elderly rellies along to fill the 2 'spare' places! It's a canal boat, btw.

I want to make it clear that I am pleased we don't need to worry about her financially (though she often huffs and puffs) but I DO wish there was SOME understanding that HER house was bought on dad's single income; he retired at 57 with a mahoosive golden handshake and a very generous pension (those 8 trips to Oz they made didn't come cheap!); our further education was effectively free, and her 40 odd years of pin-money PT jobs and not working at all isn't financing her pension, MY NI is!... THEN she has the gall to infer very heavily that she feels I am letting my family down when I agree to work 9 hours every other Sunday at work for the over-time!

Thank god I don't get the door slamming routine (I left that up to MIL )....

You make a really interesting point there ampere, about an attitude which some women of that generation have.

I suspect it's down to a deep seated insecurity - often women in that situation have no real understanding of financial affairs, they either stayed at home or did little pin- money jobs, and then either end up living a life of poverty in old age, or, thanks to their hard working late husband, they may find themselves quite comfortably off. But either way, they have no real understanding of how they got there!

How's it going kiddo?

Has she calmed down yet?

I hope you can stick to your NYR!!

hi chipping, she is in a better mood yes, she has a bad cold so have been running about for her - thanks for asking.

My mum is the same, my dad died 20 years ago, she is on her own and I am an only child, my mum does use money to control i must say. She helped us buy a nice house and feels its within her rights as she contributed, to come whenever she wants, and have a say in what goes into the house. Arguments boil down to money and the fact that she helped us buy the house, i wish that i never accepted the offer. I keep reminding her that the money she gave is a gift and that she should forget about it, and that if she gives money it should be from her heart not with strings. She also helps me out financially as I am a SAHM, I know that i should refuse but i am too broke to.

ijustwant - sorry to hear your Mum has a cold - thus needing more running around by you! I hope she is at least a little appreciative - but I suspect that's too much to ask for!!

Piglet - let me 'arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' for you. What a horrible position to be in, it's hard to put your foot down when you need help huh....

OK, I suggest no more shopping for a woman who is able bodied enough to take the dog out in the rain. No plant as a gesture of apology FOR FORGETTING A CHRISTMAS PUDDING . Put the money into your new emergency fund account instead. You only need a few pounds to get started. Pay the emergency fund a few pounds a week.

Your mum is very well able to look after herself and her dog.

I know chipping, once dd starts school when she is 4 i would like a job so i dont have to accept money from mum.

She always says it's her house, its not my dh sold his house to help buy it, it our house, she gave a gift, it was money that she inherited from seling her mums flat. Mum hates to spend money,and would rather go hungry than eat out. I knwo that i am being VU saying this, my dh tells but when she passes away the money will go to me being the only child, my mum has also said this and made arrangements as such.

I do have half brothers and a sister but on my dads side so shes not their mum, ahhggghhhh so annoying. She is the most unfestive person you can find, i am glad that she chose to stay at home over christmas, does not believe in giving presents, putting up decorations, the commercialism of it all she says

Piglet - it's not nice of your Mum to say things like that (it's her house), it's not - it's your home. Whenever she says that you should say, 'No actually it's not, it's my home' and if she carries on about the money, then say it's thanks to Grandma/Nana that we were able to buy it and I'm grateful for that

Thanks Chipping thats what i say,i dont tell dh as he would be quite at her and wont be allowed to come which would be for my dd as she gets on quite well with granny. She kept offering and offering to help us buy half the house until we caved in. Its a gift imo and thats what i and her sister tell her to get over herself. Now she wants to buy a wardrobe for our hallway so that SHE can put her coat and stuff in when she comes to stay . Well she says its HER house and can put what she wants in it. No that wardrobe will not be going in, there is plenty space to hand coats we have a cloak cupboard and plenty of wardrobes upstaires he he

Cheeky farking mare - her house and she can put what she wants in it. Christ - I'd be working street corners to pay her the money back if that's her god awful attitude to it!

I know Chipping its awful. I would be working a lot of streets to pay back that amount of money

I find it horrifying to hear some of the situations people - adults!- find themselves in!

Nothing is worth this sort of emotional blackmail, not even a nice house being bought, or partly bought for you. It truly isn't. It isn't a gift - it's a bargaining tool.

My parents lent us some money for the deposit on our house - but they have not once mentioned it when we have been talking about our house, or when we talk about decorating or anything.... we have an agreement re paying them back and unless I bring it up, I know it wont be mentioned again and I know they do not, in anyway, feel they have a 'say' about anything to do with our house. [Don't get me wrong, they have an unlimited supply of 'annoying' suggestions on what we should do with it - but this would be exactly the same if they hadn't lent us the money!! It's just their way! Fucking frustrating at times - but nothing to do with money]. So, in some ways they drive me insane, but I've only to read some of the AIBU's to be reminded of how lovely they really are... some of you are saints not to have bodies under the veggie garden!!