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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a bit mean?

57 replies

RobynLou · 28/12/2009 12:56

bil is a strict veggie, has been since he was a teenager, sil became sort of veggie when she moved in with him, doesn't eat meat at home but does occasionally when out and about. their dd is being brought up a strict veggie, fair enough so far.

at mil/fil's for xmas, they have all sorts of nice bits and bobs on the coffee table to nibble before the meal, including chorizo/salami type things and some fancy marinaded sardines etc.

everyone's digging in, our dd (2) is enjoying some salami, sil is also eating some, her dd (2.5yo) asks to try some and is told she's not allowed because its meat.

isn't it abit mean to not let her try a little taste, I could understand if her mum wasn't eating it, but to sit there and eat something, commenting on how nice it is while the girls cousin is also enjoying it and tell her she's not allowed... it struck me as rather mean....

OP posts:
purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 28/12/2009 13:12

huge grey area

I used to be veggie, but my children were not. I would probably let her try it.

I think parents impose their beliefs in all kinds of ways, so I don't think its wrong to tell her no, just a bit too strict.

ThumbleBells · 28/12/2009 13:15

tis a bit mean in my book yes - I have dietary restrictions that DS is being saddled with as well until he is big enough to tell me if they affect his bowels the same way they affect mine - but I always make sure there are alternative nice nibbles for him to have so that he doesn't feel left out or hard done by.

If the SIL were sticking to the veggie principle herself, it would probably be kinder for her DD.

coldtits · 28/12/2009 13:17

Well .... everyone has their own personal beliefs. If her father truly believes meat is evil, why would he was his daughter ingesting it?

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 13:18

YANBU

Well, I think vegetarianism, or being a Buddhist, or being confirmed C of E, is a personal, moral choice.

Unless it is for purely health reasons- which is a grey area.

Therefore I think that no child should be made into a veggie by veggie parents until they are old enough to choose for themselves. It's one thing to have meat and fish-free meals at home, but another to insist on this in company when a child wants to try something.

coldtits · 28/12/2009 13:19

the difference is that SIL is an adult and BIL has no right to tell her what she can and can't eat. The same does not apply to his 2 year old daughter. He does have that right.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2009 13:19

If my DH was eating meat and DS wanted some, I'd expect him to say no, because he respects my wishes that my son doesn't eat meat. So YABU, it is not mean, it is your SIL respecting her DH's parenting choices.

BlueBumedFly · 28/12/2009 13:20

My DH has been veggie for 30 years, I am not and neither are the 3 kids. He says it is his freedom of choice, therefore he absolutely will allow his own children their freedom of choice. If they wish to follow in his footsteps then fair call, we will support and help with the correct nutrition, however, if they don't then that is also fine.

DH cared for his 2 kids (previous marriage) alone for quite a while and always cooked them meat even though he is 110% strict. He does not see it as his job to make such a personal decision for them. If they ask him why he will give them a balanced and informed opinon but never try to sway them either way.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2009 13:21

Purplepeony
eating meat is as much a moral choice as not eating it. So ommitting meat from a child's diet until they can choose for themselves is no worse or better than including it. Eating meat is not a morally neutral act, it is a choice, and a parent who gives their child meat as a baby is making a choice for their child as much as a parent who doesn't.

LIZS · 28/12/2009 13:21

yabu , knowing that she is veggie. Salami hardly unprocessed either.

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 13:22

I think it is fair enough while she is small-but not when she is old enough to understand. BIL can't expect his DCs to have the same beliefs as him-he can hope and set by example, but nothing more.

Original poster
RobynLou · 28/12/2009 13:23

hmmm when you put it like that coldtits I can sort of understand... but it just seems crazy for her mum to eat meat ocasionally through being pg/bfing and continue to do so but to not be able to allow her dd to just try a nibble of something.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 28/12/2009 13:24

Kat- that seems rather confusing- a child has 2 parents so if I followed the post correctly, yhe mum is not quite veggie all of the time, but the dad is- so why should the child be pig (ha!) in the middle of two parents who believe different things- until t hey can make their own choices.

Humans are naturally omnivores- so unless kids can make moral choices I believe they should eat anything they like that is healthy ( apart from poo).

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2009 13:26

Robynlou
couples (hopefully) respect each others' views and compromise. For example, I strongly believe that DS shouldn't eat meat. DH eats meat. DH will not give DS meat as he respects my wishes. I do not expect him, as a grown man, to stop eating meat, but I expect him to respect my views with our son. Giving him 'just a nibble of something' would be completely unacceptable to me, a lifelong vegetarian, and DH knows that. So while he is free to eat whatever he wants, he is not free to give DS meat.

Is that clear enough?

Original poster
RobynLou · 28/12/2009 13:27

you've helped me get my head around this - thankyou. mn so useful for figuring out the reasons people act in ways you don't understand but which you can't question over xmas dinner!

OP posts:
DollyMessiter · 28/12/2009 13:27

I think SIL should refrain from eating meat in front of her DD if the child is not going to be allowed to eat it.
The mixed messages are unfair for the little girl.

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 13:29

Kat- I posted before reading your post.

Sorry- have to agree to disagree-man is omnivorous. Eating meat may be a choice now, but never was when stone-age man was a hunter-gatherer, and cereals as we know them today were not around, and neither were domesticated animals to provide milk to make into cheese etc.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2009 13:29

Purplepeony
parents will almost al;ways have things that they would do differently to each other. Crap parents each try to follow their own paths and confuse their children. Good co-parents compromise and follow the same script, even if it isn't exactly what they would choose. Good co-parents realise that they are not the only parent and so need to discuss and compromise on certain things.

As I said before, eating meat is as much a moral choice as not eating it. You may believe it is the default position but I and many others do not. It's not a big deal that you and I disagree on this, but I hope you can read and appreciate my point. It is a very big deal to me that my DS doesn't get given meat. My DH understands this and so doesn't give him meat. It's quite simple, and not at all mean.

Baileysismyfriend · 28/12/2009 13:31

I think the SIL is being mean, I wouldnt eat something that my DD or DS couldnt eat at a gathering like that.

Seems unfair to rub it in their faces!

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 13:31

ah..so KAT- you are talking from a personal point of view, whereas I am trying tobe impartial and more philosophical!

what you are saying to your DH is that he must do as you say, as your views count more than his when it comes down to what your DC eats. Fair or not? don't think so, I'm afraid.

Original poster
RobynLou · 28/12/2009 13:32

dollymessiter thinking about it I think that was the bit I thought was 'mean' while she's so little and doesn't really understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobynLou · 28/12/2009 13:34

and shes was mmmming over it aswell - just seemed abit off - if I was her I would've snuck it in when dd wasn't looking, as I do with choc!

OP posts:
purplepeony · 28/12/2009 13:34

KAT-"Good co-parents compromise and follow the same script,"

errr. what if your DH wasn't willing to be brow-beaten I mean willin to compromise?

I see your point of view utterly, but wonder just what you would do if your DH vehemently opposed what you think? Who would back down?

Maybe you are very lucky that he is willing to toe your line.

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 13:35

If BIL wants the DC to grow up vegetarian he would be wise not to be too insistent.

midori1999 · 28/12/2009 13:43

kat2907 this child DID chose to eat meat, she asked if she could try it and wasn't allowed.

I do think that is her mother eats meat it is unfair to expect the child to not eat it.

Far better, IMO, to explain to a child why her father choses not to eat meat and allow her to decide for herself properly when she is old enough. In the meantime, I feel if she asks for meat, she should be allowed it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2009 13:51

Purplepeony
That's called compromise. You may not agree with my parenting choices but there is no need to imply that I am browbeating or bullying my DH.
For what it's worth I was clear with DH when we were still only dating that bringing children up vegetarian was non negotiable for me. Likewise I was aware that any sons would have to be circumcised. We chose to get married and procreate knowing that we would have to compromise on these issues.

Midori - In my opinion I choose what my DS eats until he can make an informed choice. At the moment my idea of when that is is around 7-9, not a toddler.
You may see me as a fascist mum if you wish, but remember this is only one parenting choice, it isn't even a particularly important one. We are all different in what matters to us for our DCs and we should be tolerant of others' views.