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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a bit mean?

57 replies

RobynLou · 28/12/2009 12:56

bil is a strict veggie, has been since he was a teenager, sil became sort of veggie when she moved in with him, doesn't eat meat at home but does occasionally when out and about. their dd is being brought up a strict veggie, fair enough so far.

at mil/fil's for xmas, they have all sorts of nice bits and bobs on the coffee table to nibble before the meal, including chorizo/salami type things and some fancy marinaded sardines etc.

everyone's digging in, our dd (2) is enjoying some salami, sil is also eating some, her dd (2.5yo) asks to try some and is told she's not allowed because its meat.

isn't it abit mean to not let her try a little taste, I could understand if her mum wasn't eating it, but to sit there and eat something, commenting on how nice it is while the girls cousin is also enjoying it and tell her she's not allowed... it struck me as rather mean....

OP posts:
ThumbleBells · 28/12/2009 13:52

I think the child wouldn't have asked to have it if her mother wasn't eating it too - it doesn't take that much to exercise a tad of restraint and either eat it out of eyeshot of her DD or refrain entirely. Still a bit mean to be chomping away happily and refusing her DD to try it.

midori1999 · 28/12/2009 13:55

kat you talk about your husband respecting your choice over what your son eats. What if he wanted your son to eat meat, and strongly felt that way? Would you then respect his views and allow your son to eat it?

bruxeur · 28/12/2009 13:55

It sounds as if kat's DH is picking his battles. Very wise, by the sound of things.

bruxeur · 28/12/2009 13:57

lol @ "compromise" = "In my opinion I choose what my DS eats".

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2009 14:08

Fuck me - you are making me out to be some kind of little hitler.

When DH and I were dating I told him how important it was to me that my future children did not eat meat. This is in accordance with my ethical views.

My DH told me when we were dating that he would want sons to be circumcised.

He would never raise children veggie, I would never circumcise sons. However, we were (are) in love and wanted to have children together, so we compromised.

If DH suddenly turned round and said he wanted DS to eat meat it would be a problem, because he would be reneging on something pretty big and moving the goalposts. It would be about on a par if I told him that I would let DS eat pork - or refuse to circumcise him. I would be moving the goalposts which would be unfair.

We do compromise, and I said that I decide what DS east since I do 95% of the food prep for DS and 100% of the food shopping. I actually meant I rather than he choose what he eats since he is only 15 months old. The OP is talking about a toddler as well. A toddler can't decide what is good to eat - today I found DS trying to eat sick from the carseat that he puked on yesterday

ImSoNotTelling · 28/12/2009 14:09

It's all how it's handled isn't it. Kat and her DH are bringing up their child vegetarian - all fine and good.

If her DH were roasting joints of meat and making bacon sandwiches and then gleefully wolfing them down in front of the child, saying yum how delicious and smacking his lips then that would be terrible.

I have things that I don't let DD have, but I tend to have them when she's not looking/not make a fuss.

DuelingFanjo · 28/12/2009 14:10

no - it's not mean.

pigletmania · 28/12/2009 14:10

YAB a bit U but there should have also been some nice veggie treats. It is unreasonable though once ds is older to prevent him eating him eating meat if he wants to and to expect that to carry on till adulthood.

ImSoNotTelling · 28/12/2009 14:12

So YANBU to think it was off that the mum was wolfing the stuff down with every expression of gleeful enjoyment and then saying DC couldn't have any even though the other children were.

The mum should have at least refrained from lip smacking, at best refrained from meat products entirely.

pigletmania · 28/12/2009 14:28

Agree that the mum should have eaten them discretely without drawing attention to it and how nice they were.

Ripeberry · 28/12/2009 14:34

Kids should be allowed to try all foods and then when they are older they can decide what they like to eat.

grumpypants · 28/12/2009 14:39

What I find very interesting when this crops up is that everyone says the children should make an informed choice when they are old enough, but in my experience it's only me as a veggie mum telling my kids what meat is. My friends non veggie kids happily chow down on burgers etc not associating them with the cows in the farms they visit on days out. So, by not telling them what meat is when they are little, their children aren't making any sort of choice - that's being left til later. Does that make any sense?

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 14:57

Grumpy yes it does make sense, but I can't see that you can hide the source of meat very long from kids.

Kat- I think both you and your DH have made choices for your son which he may in time not thank you for! Poor mite- losing part of his willy and not even having a say in it! But that is another topic.

I am surprised that in the UK today boys can be circumsised for religious rather than medical reasons. (if you are in the UK).

You don't really seem to understand the meaning of compromise. What you have done is not compromise- which means finding a middle way, or a half-way point for 2 people - you have made a deal: circumcision for veggie.

I wonder what you will do if you both run out of deals? If you want your own way and he does and there is nothing to swap with?

If you don't mind me saying so, you are both imposing your own very strongly held beliefs on a child who knows no better and cannot choose. Is that right?

Morloth · 28/12/2009 15:00

I don't think it is mean to raise the DD as a strict veggie even if SIL is not. But it is a bit mean of SIL to sit and clearly enjoy something when DD can't have it.

grumpypants · 28/12/2009 15:01

It's kind of difficult to compromise on eating or not eating meat! I am in the same position as Kat - I feel strongly about not eating meat/ meat products, dh doesn't. So, I take responsibility for their diet and dh respects my views. Equally, we either agree or whoever feels strongly 'wins'. I think that's how most parenting goes otherwise you have two people trying to get their own way when they can. How on earth do you cope with disagreements about discipline, sweets, bedtimes etc - you can't always compromise. (genuinely interested)

Original poster
RobynLou · 28/12/2009 15:08

My OP wasn't about their decision to raise their dd veggie - thats their decision and fair enough as I stated.

it's about mmming over and eating something which other children are eating and then saying she's not allowed... you could substitute the salami for choc/crisps/biscuits and it'd be the same - if i'm going to eat something in front of dd I'm always prepared to offer her a little, if I don't want her to have it I don't draw attention to it.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 28/12/2009 15:10

I find vegetarian bashing threads very odd. Why are people so outraged by the idea of children being raised vegetarian? I mean, it's so totally harmless, it doesn't affect anyone else, I really don't understand why every time it comes up usually 50% of people seem to think it's wrong or cruel in some way.

One of those MN things I struggle to get my head around.

pigletmania · 28/12/2009 15:10

My dh and myself both eat meat so does my dd 2.9, she kind of knows that a chicken that she sees in pictures is the one she eats but is still too young to understand. She will know in good time and if when she is older wants to be veggie than so be it, at the moment she just eats what we eat.

ImSoNotTelling · 28/12/2009 15:10

robyn my last post wasn't aimed at you, but at some of the responses.

ThumbleBells · 28/12/2009 15:19

ImSoNotTelling - it isn't any different to people who don't allow their DC to watch TV/ eat chocolate/ drink fizz etc. - there will always be people who think that restriction of anything involves depriving the DC in some way.

To be fair though, being strict vegetarian may affect other people in terms of party food; and it may be unfair on the DC if the vegetarian diet they are on isn't sufficiently well-balanced in terms of nutrients. However, generally it is as you say, not really a problem.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2009 15:23

grumpypants is right - you either eat meat or you don't. I see what we do as compromising - I'd be interested to know how you compromise if you don't make deals!

StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 28/12/2009 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RobynLou · 28/12/2009 15:36

here here stayfrosty, she's helped me understand my bil alot better I'm horribly strict about what dd has, DH isn't, but tows the line, all gone out the window over xmas - hence her munching merrily on processed, salty salami, ah well.

OP posts:
StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 28/12/2009 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 15:52

At the age of 2 yrs anyone can expect to have total control over what their DC eats, which is fine as long as they don't expect to retain the control. It is more difficult at 5 yrs and if they try to do it at 8yrs they will hit problems IMO. The DC isn't a vegetarian, they are the DC of a vegetarian and they might follow.....or they might not. It is similar to being a Christian or a Labour voter etc-you can have your own strong views but it isn't up to you to say what your DC's views are going to be.