DH thinks DD gets too much attention...

[somethinganything]

DD is 2 (and 3 days!). I work freelance, from home and when I'm working she is looked after by an au pair who lives with us, so I guess from the perspective of the amount of attention she gets it's the same as having a nanny. We're having another baby in February.

DD plays up some days. Like today, she's very grizzly. Yesterday we had a big family event (catching up with DH's family for xmas, four hours on train, no nap for DD, no proper meals, lots of excitement) - she behaved really, really well all day but went to bed v tired. It often happens that she's great on big days like that and then a bit grizzly the next day. Anyway, DH reckons she's getting too much 1 to 1 attention and it's not good for her so she should start nursery.

I think that, compared with other kids her age she's actually very well-behaved most of the time and that some grizzliness is to be expected. I think he's being a bit Dickensian about the whole thing and that it's a bit much to expect a just 2-year-old to entertain themselves quietly while you read the paper (which is what he does).

Also, with another baby due in 8 weeks she will (a) be getting a lot less attention before long anyway (b) be feeling a bit insecure when said baby arrives and therefore not need the extra upheaval.

On a practical note, it seems crazy to pay for a nursery and an au pair, when I'll be finishing work in the next few weeks anyway.

I'd planned to start sending her to nursery for some half-days when she's 2 and a half - that way she'll have had a chance to get used to the new baby.

But, this is a genuine AIBU, I honestly don't know and part of me wonders if DH is right and DD is getting a bit spoilt. So, please be gentle, I really do want to know what if I'm being over-protective of her - any thoughts?

Should add that I've got a deadline to hit so will be off the thread for a little while but have not disappeared, will check in again this morning...

I don't think you are being over protective with your dd and I don't think she is getting spoilt or "too much" 1 to 1 attention.
I think your dh is being a bit Dickensian (and a bit unreasonable) about the whole thing!

Having said that, my children benefitted from a few hrs of nursery a week, so it is an experience I def recommend. My ds started nursery months before the birth of his sister. Once she was born he liked the idea of going somewhere all "of his own" with no baby sisters around!

Ah bless her, she's only 2 - that's tiny.
She sounds just like any other two year old (and a lot better behaved than I'd be after that mammoth Christmas Day .
She'll have to adjust to having a new sibling around very soon, so I would think that it makes sense to keep her routine as normal as possible.
I think you should stand your ground.

YANBU. My DD had one to one attention until the age of 2.5 and even then it was just a gradual step in to nursery - 2 afternoons, then 3 mornings, etc until she starts full time in the New Year.

Like yours, my DD is an intelligent, thoughtful, well behaved girl and I put that down to having one to one attention almost constantly - she knows she's loved and never has to vie for an adults attention.

And your daughter's behaviour re being tired and grumpy the day after a big event is perfectly normal. Kids can be so well behaved on the day but then relax a bit more when it's just them and the parents after an event (ie they get to be tired and grumpy!)

Awww she's only two, and 1 to 1 attention doesn't make them spoilt, she sounds totally normal with the being tired and a bit grumpy after a big family event.

I can see what you're DH is saying, that he'd like her to be a bit more self sufficient, and the more you 'entertain' her the less she'll be able to entertain herself, but every child is different some don't mind doing stuff on their own and others do.

This is just my opinion, but leaving her to her own devices and getting her into nursery at the same time as having another baby may not be good timing as she might think she's being pushed out?

YANBU at all. Don't wish to be contentious but is it possible that your DH is jealous of either the attention that DD gets or of your relationship with her?

I've noticed that some otherwise ideal DPs can sometimes resent the attention given to children...

Thanks, folks - v useful to have a sounding board!

Sleighbelle - I don't think that's it really though I can see your point. He was third of 4 kids and had v little growing up. His mum was amazing - never had any help, survived on a tiny budget but with 4 kids 2-3 years apart each, none of them ever really got tonnes of attention. I think perhaps he just feels DD has 'too much' in general. But I've tried really hard to make sure she doesn't have stupid numbers of toys and to be firm and not give in to nagging. But I suppose although the au pair is brilliant - does loads of constructive activities with her, never sticks her in front of the telly etc - she does have a lot of concentrated attention, it's not like when I'm with her and also trying to do housework/answer calls etc.

But then I tend to agree with what Plumm says i.e. that plenty of one-to-one attention makes kids feel secure.

Having said all that, I'm am the classic doting mother so am wary of thinking DD can do no wrong as well - sometimes wonder if DH is more detached and can therefore see things more clearly. He also adores DD of course but works v long hours indeed and therefore doesn't spend all that much time with her, gets kinds snapshots of behaviour first thing in the morning and on weekends.

I don't think you can spoil a child with attention. Your DD sounds like a perfectly normal 2 year old, and every first born has to make an adjustment when they get a new sibling.

I agree with you that sending your DD to nursery just as the new baby turns up wouldn't be the best idea. It'll probably just make her feel negative about both nursery and the new baby. I'd keep everything as much the same as possible for her for the next 6 months, let her get used to things, then send her to nursery.

And warn your DH that her behaviour is likely to deteriorate when the baby is born!

Oh thats exactly the type of sweeping statement that my Dh can come out with after 1 incident...

I've been told all sorts of things about 95% of my abilities as a mother, cook, housekeeper and laundry maid based on 1 instance.

She was tired, she was grumpy, it was Christmas, no need at all to change a long term child care arrangement.

YANBU and I agree with everyone above. Stick to your guns.

Ditto

Bathsheba - yes, thinking about it, he does come out with this sort of thing every now and again. (Usually with the caveat "I'm not criticising, you, I just wonder..." - which tends to have the opposite effect and makes me feel defensive but that, in all fairness, is my problem...) He took some time off when she was a baby so we could spend time together as a family and he was convince she was (at the age of 5 months) getting used to too much attention because both her parents were tending to her...

I just never quite know what's normal and what's not when it comes to levels of attention. I suppose it varies so much from culture to culture and from family to family and I guess comparatively she does have a lot both materially and in terms of nurturing.

As long as she has boundaries as well - (eg, at this age, routines, and is given directions about not hitting or biting, not being allowed to get her way by tantrumming), then she can't be having too much nurturing.

Jamie no hitting or biting for now (she went through a biting stage about 9 months ago but nothing since) and tantrums are really quite rare. It's mainly just endless, very noisy and persistent demands for things she wants (apple juice, chocolate, oranges, sweeties, TV) which generally get ignored, occasionally throwing things, which she does get told off for though admittedly I haven't worked out a consistent punishment/telling off strategy - it's just speaking firmly and taking said toy away if appropriate.

She's no good at sitting at the table for any length of time and just starts pouring water over her high chair tray/place setting or banging cutlery about to get attention. But again, I've always assumed that was all pretty normal.

Yep - she's really little. Sounds like your DH just doesn't really have a conception of what a 2 year old is like.

Hopefully DH will pull his finger out when the baby is born - my DH says what a shock it was, as it really becomes "all hands on deck". I'd encourage him to take her out on her own as much as possible, so he gets to spend nice times with her and gives you a rest.

My DSs are 2.7 apart, and playgroup was a godsend for me and DS1 , but you are right to pay attention to the timing of starting that.

Is it possible for a 2yr old to have too much attention?

I think nursery when your baby is a few months old sounds fine.

It almost sounds as if he is jealous!

YANBU.

Agree that nursery/pre-school for a few sessions when 2.5 and settled with new baby will be good. DD started preschool 2 mornings a week at just over 2 and she loves it. Plus will give you a bit of time to yourself with the new baby.

YANBU at all.

I smiled wryly at your sentence re noisy and persistent demands for what she wants. Yep. She's 2. (And it doesn't get any better for a few years, either ...)

Your plan of putting her in nursery when she's 2.5 sounds very sensible.

Your DH's idea that she was getting too much attention at 5 months old with both parents around doesn't sound sensible at all.

Babies and toddlers need attention. Lots of it. And as you said, when her sibling comes along, your DD will find the amount of attention she get rapidly reduces. My DD, 4 when her brother was born earlier this year, has found it hard having to wait for me to act on her demands for a drink, etc, because I was breastfeeding/changing a nappy. But she has coped.

Changing your DD's routine now would be a bad idea when she's happy. In any event, you could put her into childcare fulltime now, and she would grudgingly get used to sharing with other children while at nursery, but you'll still find that when she's alone with you, she'll make demands and grizzle. Children behave differently with their parents. They test boundaries. It's all tediously normal.

He's being ridiculous. If this were me I would buy him a book on child development. Seriously.

I actually find it really upsetting that a father would want to deliberately limit the one to one attention his child gets in their pre school years. This attention is what will help her reach her potential as an individual and will contribute in a completely positive way to her confidence, her sense of identity and her social skills. All the things which are the bedrock of coping skills for the rest of her life.

Yes nursery can have a place if you want it to, for a break from eachother's company or for the company of other children (unecessary in pre school age imho but some people disagree!) but not for the reasons your DH is giving. He needs more understanding of child development.

Definitely don't change her routine at this time. As others have said, she will connect it to the new baby and may feel 'replaced' in which case her behaviour will probably get worse. I think your DH probably does have slightly unrealistic expectations. As long as you don't always give in to tantrums, I think it's fine.

At 2yo, there is no such thing as too much attention....

Chuck the bloody paper in the bin and tell him to actively play with his daughter.

She is a baby and thrives on one to one attention-ignore him!

sorky I have considered that! My heart does sink when the paper and its 73 supplements get delivered every sat/sun. I read 3 or 4 articles tops whereas he is determined to plough his way through the whole thing.

Thanks all - very helpful, found myself getting adsurdly emotional about the whole thing this morning, weeping over the fact that she's only going to be the baby of the family for a really short time etc I blame the hormones.

Re DH, I hope I haven't been too hard on him above. He's generally very reasonable and adores DD but just sometimes gets a bee in his bonnet about something that he sees as getting out of control. He only has one friend with small children and he lives abroad so perhaps just doesn't have anything to compare her with and thinks she's too demanding. His family are quite conservative when it comes to discipline too, which I think probably has an impact.

He is being a bit thoughtless, especially with a new baby on the way. Bad idea to send her to nursery just as the new baby makes an appearance - will give her the wrong idea.

My DH sometimes makes sweeping generalised statements too - his best one so far was "shouldn't DS be potty trained by now?" (just before he was 2). I countered that with "if you want to train him now, you go ahead - I'm planning to wait until he's ready, but no, you seem to be an expert on this so away you go with it"

He didn't say it again.

ThumbleBells - laughed out loud at the potty training thing. DH has a habit of asking if "we" have done or should have done this, that or the other, which irritates me beyond belief because it's invariably something that I will have to do one way or another.