DH thinks DD gets too much attention...

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DD is 2 (and 3 days!). I work freelance, from home and when I'm working she is looked after by an au pair who lives with us, so I guess from the perspective of the amount of attention she gets it's the same as having a nanny. We're having another baby in February.

DD plays up some days. Like today, she's very grizzly. Yesterday we had a big family event (catching up with DH's family for xmas, four hours on train, no nap for DD, no proper meals, lots of excitement) - she behaved really, really well all day but went to bed v tired. It often happens that she's great on big days like that and then a bit grizzly the next day. Anyway, DH reckons she's getting too much 1 to 1 attention and it's not good for her so she should start nursery.

I think that, compared with other kids her age she's actually very well-behaved most of the time and that some grizzliness is to be expected. I think he's being a bit Dickensian about the whole thing and that it's a bit much to expect a just 2-year-old to entertain themselves quietly while you read the paper (which is what he does).

Also, with another baby due in 8 weeks she will (a) be getting a lot less attention before long anyway (b) be feeling a bit insecure when said baby arrives and therefore not need the extra upheaval.

On a practical note, it seems crazy to pay for a nursery and an au pair, when I'll be finishing work in the next few weeks anyway.

I'd planned to start sending her to nursery for some half-days when she's 2 and a half - that way she'll have had a chance to get used to the new baby.

But, this is a genuine AIBU, I honestly don't know and part of me wonders if DH is right and DD is getting a bit spoilt. So, please be gentle, I really do want to know what if I'm being over-protective of her - any thoughts?

YANBU at all.

Children cant be spoilt with too much attention. Just doesnt happen, it makes them feel secure and loved.

It never ceases to amaze me how unrealistic men are when it comes to any change in their life as a result of having children.
Mine on the whole is fantastic, but we have 4, so he has no choice. Up to no3 he was useless and generally a bit miserable at not being able to live as he did before we had any children. No 4 put that right it has to be said.

Does he ever look after your Dd by himself?

I did wonder whether his mum might've said something, as it has happened with us. My mil and actually my father as well, have many varied opinions on how my children should behave, all of them feckless and unwanted (opinions, not children)

Good luck with the new baby

Agree that fathers can be a bit clueless about babies. They always think they know what is going on and they don't have the maternal instinct.

I think he is wrong - I don't think you can spoil a two year old with affection and/or attention. As you say things will naturally balance out when your second child arrives.

He is wrong.

OP,if your husband didn´t get much attention as a child, you would think he would want to make sure his own children get as much as possible.

It´s as if he coped so why shouldn´t his children.

oh FGS are there still people in the world who think attention is harmful to a child?

Do you have mums-plus-toddlers you meet up with when dh isn't there? Could you have a weekend meet with a few so he can get an idea of the range of two year old behaviour? That might let him see that your dd is doing fine. And, fwiw, my oldest was a child who hardly ever entertained herself till she was past 3 - kids just vary.

Small children need as much 1-1 as possible. All 2 year olds have their moments, and tiredness certainly fuels it. I think you are right and your DH is wrong.

I have exactly the same setup as you (freelance, working from home, with au pair) with my baby incidentally, and it works brilliantly for me. The au pair is wonderful and has been with me since the baby was 2 weeks old.

ooh, sorry for absence, thought the thread had died, v nice to hear from you all though

sorky spot on, I think it's about not accepting that actually we do sometimes have to do things differently because of our kids somehow. He seems to worry about everything becoming a bit too childcentric. Doesn't often have her on his own for more than an hour or so TBH. But to be fair, he is really good at helping out in many ways - v happy to do his share of nappies for example. But I think you kind of build up your patience quite gradually when it comes to small children - I know that when I've been really busy I sometimes forget quite what it's like to spend a whole day with a toddler.

I've also discovered since the OP that DD has actually got chicken pox (the spots have put in an appearance now) so can be forgiven for feeling a bit sorry for herself. After reading lots of your reasoned opinions I told him again that I think nursery is a bad idea right now but suggested we have a chat about making sure she's encouraged to play for short periods on her own when she's being looked after by the au pair if he's still worried about it. The more I think about it, I honestly do think her behaviour is really pretty good - she's chattering away too her teddies quite happily at the moment for example. He seems to have accepted my take on it although I still think he feels that a bit too much is focused on her.

Redcurly v good idea re getting him to spend a bit of time with a group of rowdy toddlers.