Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if I loathe my DH my dcs would be better if we were apart.....

42 replies

MsDoctor · 28/12/2009 09:37

.....discuss.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 28/12/2009 09:51

well, more info would help. Maybe this is one for the Relationship forum.

Loathing and not loving? What's gone wrong and for how long?

What is stopping you from m aking the break if you loathe him?

Georgimama · 28/12/2009 09:52

Yes.

Why do you loathe him? Have you just come to feel complete contempt for him because he is boring or is he actually an arsehole?

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/12/2009 09:59

Just taking it on unexplained loathing i'd say no because it is hard to be the child of separated parents and it is likely you could fix the relationship if loathing is the only problem.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 28/12/2009 10:27

they'd only be better off if you and your DH allow your children to witness it and/or if you take it out on the children.

Agree with curiosity that for children there is a huge amount to be gained from living with two parents. Living as the child of seperated parents is not the easy option. You can have another husband but they only get one stab at living with their one and only mum and dad.

Does depend on why you loathe him as well of course. If you loathe him because he is abusive to you or the kids then yes they're better off without him in the house. If it's just part of the ups and downs of marriage (yes I've loathed my lovely DH at times) then no they're not better off.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 28/12/2009 10:34

"and it is likely you could fix the relationship if loathing is the only problem"

Um...thats a pretty damn big problem to get over!!!

Don't know whether a or a is apprporiate here

Original poster
MsDoctor · 28/12/2009 10:35

I'll just list a few things:
He lacks subtlety, you know when you quietly shh someone and then they say loudly 'why are you shhing me?'
verbally aggressive,
quite thick, dishonest, texted work colleagues at 6 am christmas morning, had three christmas work nights out, is going to a friends house (who lives with their parents) tomorrow night for a curry [My DH is 35 with four dcs}
Drinks too much, puts himself first, never makes me feel respected or important.....

the list goes on.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 28/12/2009 10:40

Is there any chance that with a 3rd party's help- such as Relate- these issues could be addressed?

Has he always been like this- before DCs?

Why did you marry him in the first palce?

thesecondcoming · 28/12/2009 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 28/12/2009 10:48

have you been to counselling either apart or together?

madamearcati · 28/12/2009 10:49

i don't think christmas is a time to be thinking of drastic life-taking decisions

NomDePlume · 28/12/2009 10:55

In my thesaurus loathe means the same as hate therefore I would think it is a pretty hard thing to come back from given that hate is a strong old emotion. I certainly wouldn't want to live with or stay together with someone I hated, kids or no kids.

I would certainly try some counselling though, however, and take steps to try to fix things and take separation as a last resort to know that I'd tried everything that I could to keep things together for my kids, but at the end of the day it is not healthy for children to grow up in a household where their parents hate each other and resent each others presence.

I speak as a child of divorced parents who went through a very acrimonous split (death threats, the works), it was not the 'easy option' but there is no 'easy option' unfortunately. Either way it will be hard. You both owe it to your marriage and your kids to try and save things but that does not mean you should spend the next 20 years of your life being miserable and resentful trapped in a marriage you hate. There is a limit to how far we should sacrifice ourselves, imo.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/12/2009 10:58

How big a problem loathing is depends on how seriously you loathe him surely? Agree that relate is the way forward. Feelings do change during the course of a marriage, periods of loathing can be very normal but what is most important is respect for each other, routine maintenance of the marriage through good communication and commitment to the marriage as well as each other. Sounds to me like you have lost respect for each other and stopped talking and this is impacting the commitment.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/12/2009 11:02

How big a problem loathing is depends on how seriously you loathe him surely? Agree that relate is the way forward. Feelings do change during the course of a marriage, periods of loathing can be very normal but what is most important is respect for each other, routine maintenance of the marriage through good communication and commitment to the marriage as well as each other. Sounds to me like you have lost respect for each other and stopped talking and this is impacting the commitment.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 28/12/2009 11:15

I guess I hold on to different things to stay in the relationship, when we argue a lot I hold onto the little support he gives with the dcs, when he's selfish I hold on to the good times, when he's disrespectful I think about my own worng doings. But right now the ONLY reason I stay is a belief that children deserve two parents. I don't like him, don't fancy him and have no respect.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 28/12/2009 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 11:22

The question is; can you begin to get back any feelings of love and respect?

what would he need to do to help that and is he willing to change? Have you given him any chances to change and established ground rules/boundaries of what is accpetable?

Have you really taked to him- not nagged- or is this all in your head and he doesn't know how you feel?

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/12/2009 12:05

I don't agree that the only step msdoctor should take is to leave thesecondcoming. They are married so presumably wanted to be together forever at one point. I think it is always better to at least try and fix things through counselling e.t.c. before you give up on things where marriage and/or children are involved.

thesecondcoming · 28/12/2009 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 12:37

Thesecondcoming- I think you are being unfair- thatpost was not patronising at all, it was simply stating another point of view.

Several of us- including me- have suggested counselling and doing whatever is needed to try to make things better before ending the marriage.

If, after trying everything possible, the marriage is still dead in the water, then end it- but not until.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 28/12/2009 12:50

thing is what gets me is the assumption that two parents having relationship problems are bound to be bitching and sniping at eachother. How about self control in front of the children, how about not allowing it to affect them, not taking it out on them? There is an assumption that parents in relationship trouble are making it difficult for their children therefore the children will automatically be better because the parents are better apart. Two seperate issues, imo.

ThumbleBells · 28/12/2009 13:02

my sis frequently says she hates her DP. They are still together - their DDs are still all under 6. It would be very difficult in many ways for them to split up; but it could be done if she really felt she needed to. He isn't dreadful (not violent or abusive I mean) but has many bad habits that annoy her and make her feel crap.

I suppose the question is whether the OP has these feelings all the time about her H or whether they come and go. Everyone has bad days (don't they?) when they could happily do away with their DP/DH; but then other times it's ok.

I don't know which is best - only the OP can decide whether she thinks it is worth it to work through it - but I know people who have stayed together, despite hating each other, for the DCs sake and because it would have been financially very difficult if they had split. One woman I know of even divorced her H to get away from the marital rape, yet stayed "with" him for a further 10+ years (in separate rooms) until their younger DS was 18 because she didn't want to split the family.

Again, only the OP can decide how much she can put up with.

purplepeony · 28/12/2009 13:05

yeah, but kids pick up things- you don't have to be arguing hammer and tongs for kids to discern bad feeling or tension.

But in this case,the OP's DH is acting like a lad- he needs to grow up- having said that, most men these days are infantile til they are mid 30s, and I feel that 4 kids at 35 is a hard slog for any one-male or female. Still, that's no excuse for his rebellious teenager behaviour.

NomDePlume · 28/12/2009 13:12

cirrohosis - even if parents who are not getting on are not sniping at each other in front of the the children they will still be showing strain. There will be signs that all is not dandy, no matter how smiley or happy a front the parents try to put on. It will look strained. The kids will pick up on it, no matter how subtle you may think you are being about avoiding raising your relationship issues in front of your offspring

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/12/2009 13:28

thesecondcoming - I didn't say I thought it better to stay together forever just that I didn't think leaving should be the first option when there is difficulty (not abuse). I think kids are fairly robust and can gain a lot of security from watching their parents overcome difficulties in their relationship. Two of my four children are from a previous relationship, he left me however so I don't have much experience of cutting out the deadwood. Totally agree on that point - if something is dead then get rid but I think I'd feel more comfortable having or suggesting counselling to establish whether it really was dead or could be revived first, more so when there's marriage and children involved.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 28/12/2009 13:36

We do argue, he does name call...not always out of earshot of our dcs ....he is not the only one at fault but he makes the biggest and least acceptable mistakes. We have had counselling before, but money is rather tight....not sure how we could afford it.

OP posts: