to think that if I loathe my DH my dcs would be better if we were apart.....

[MsDoctor]

.....discuss.

surestart sometimes offer free counselling - I have had it before. They would have given us free couples counselling too. The counselling wasn't particularly successful last time?

It was good but as soon as it really started to impact upon us we found out that the counsellor and I had mutual friends, by the time they found another counsellor I was a week away from dc4!

worth another try do you think? If you can find a way to get some free or for cheap? It is not great for any of you to live with the status quo, I believe you are right to think that something needs to be done.

I just think dcs need to be surrounded by happiness and kindness not people tolerating eachother.... there may be some free counselling somewhere.

yes, you are right - in the long run. It won't harm them in the shot term providing you are doing something to sort it out whether that is counselling or a trial separation etc. How long has it been like this? Do you really feel you've reached the end of the road or is it just christmas?

that's a lovely ideal, MsDoctor - although I don't suppose that there is a huge number of families where it is always the case. Tolerance is a valuable lesson for your DC to learn as well; and I am sure that you and your H are still loving and kind to your DC, aren't you?

I hope you find some free counselling and resolve your issues, or at least find a mutually acceptable way forward.

It's been a while...keep going through these bleak spells.

"I just think dcs need to be surrounded by happiness and kindness"

well, they do- but that's an ideal- many marriages are based on just tolerance- and not a lot of that all of the time.

You might find somelow cost counselling in your area- lots of places offer it, with counsellors who are still training, or for thelow/unwaged.
It's worth a shot- and even if it means going without other stuff like holidays or new clothes.

I don't think that staying together for the sake of the dc is ever a good thing tbh. Regardless of what is right or wrong in the relationship. If you are not happy and have no inclination to fix things, then it would probably be better to leave.

Having said that, like others have said happy relationships take work and compromise. They don't just happen and even the most loving couple will have bad patches.

The question you should be asking is 'is there enough left for you to want to work at it?' If not, then yes, the dc would be happier if you were apart.

haven't read the whole thread, but having grown up with two parents who stayed together "for the sake of the kids", I'd say everyone is better off apart.

the kids don't have to witness anything to pick up on the lack of love between their parents. kids need happy parents more than two (unhappy?) parents under the same roof

I have found an organisation that take 'what you can afford' and so I'm calling tomorrow. So my DH is not my dream, but perhaps he could be my 'happy ever after'? Besides fours dcs and a body that clearly tells the world that I jave had 4 css means I'd better make the most of what I have!!

Thanks for letting me moan, I feel I've had a virtual 'wake up'.

YADDDDDDNBU

I wish my parents had split rather than sticking together cos neither wanted to leave or sell the house. Had they split, my sister wouldn't be so fucked up and I'd have been much more open to relationships rather than avoiding them in case I ended up like my parents.

Good luck whatever you decide, but if a relationship's dead, it's dead, and it's not fair on anyone to make them stand around and watch it rotting.

mine would be 'selfish, can't hang a shelf, misses the point but great in the sack....'

Mine is completely inept at everything of any use but very caring and obedient... lol, he sounds like a dog...